Finding My New Normal

New Blog

2009-01-04T21:22:00.000-06:00

New year, new Blog home. I am going to be writing here: http://continuallycaptivated.blogspot.com. Come join me won't you?

No Birthday Here

2008-12-15T10:48:00.002-06:00

Here is the weather outlook for today and the coming week:
Don't you wish you lived here? Man! It's cold. How did the early settlers and Indians survive in this weather? For that matter, how do livestock and wild animals survive? It is bitterly cold. It is so cold that they are saying exposed skin could be frostbitten in 5 minutes today! Brrrrrrr.

We had a fairly good weekend. I baked a bunch of cookies on Friday; gingersnaps and peanut butter blossoms. I also made a batch of mint brownies. I wanted to take a plate to Bob's family Christmas get together and also have some to give to friends. I had a bit of a cookie emergency though when I realized I could not find our cookie cutters. I have no idea where they are. Thankfully my friend Laurie came to the rescue and loaned me a few of hers. I was also able to pick up a couple of new cutters at the grocery store. Turns out it wasn't as much of an emergency as one would think since I didn't get to the cut out cookies at all.

Saturday Bob and I were going to volunteer with our church's service project. However Bob was feeling so bad. He was in more pain than I've seen him in a long time. So he stayed home and rested while I went to the project. It was awesome. We were helping the Plymouth Christian Youth Center. They were hosting their annual childrens shopping event. Each child bought a ticket for $1 and can then come and shop tables of brand new items for up to 5 members of their family. It was awesome and the kids learn the joy of giving to others. They were so excited to pick out presents for their siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Each kid was also given a stuffed animal and a candy cane. There was live music and lots of fun for all.

Saturday evening we were supposed to go to Bob's family Christmas shin dig but Bob was still feeling crappy so we opted to stay home. When he pushes himself at times like that, it takes days for him to recover. So, no in-law family Christmas for us this year. Poor Bob. He was bummed but somewhat relieved because of all the pain he was in. I could tell he had been trying to get ready to go but when he decided he couldn't, it actually seemed to take some of the pressure to perform away and he seemed a little better. So we spent the rest of the day at home just chilling. I made chili, we ate cookies, and I uploaded pictures from the service event.

Sunday was my birthday but it was the birthday I did not celebrate. We went to church (which was awesome!) and even made it to the early service. Afterwards we were interviewed by 2 people who would like us to lead a ministry/meal group in our area of the Metro. That seemed to go well though both Bob and I admitted that we can't begin to know when to shut up. On the way to church, it was raining hard and we were wary of driving but with temps in the 40's, it wasn't bad...yet.

After church we came home and had lunch while we waited for the Lifeline lady to come and install the Lifeline system for Bob. Once she came, it took her all of 10 minutes to install and test the system and then she left. I feel so much better now that Bob has this. He wears a medallion around his neck with a bottom he can press if he falls or hurts himself and I'm not here. The signal is sent to our hospital and they ask him if he is hurt. If he is, they will send an ambulance and then call me and let me know what's going on. If he isn't, they just consider it a test. This takes such a burden off of me now.

Later on Sunday, I left to go to our church baptism service. I was asked to take pictures and gladly agreed. I got there early and set up but ended up moving when the dunking actually started because I was facing the wrong way. After the service was a potluck like I'd never seen. Lots of fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, yams, honey ham, and a chicken curry dish that made me think I'd died and gone to heaven. So good!

After the service I came home and Bob and I had birthday cake; pink frosted angel food cake with sprinkles. Yum. Then we just chilled out, kept warm, and went to bed. The perfect way to spend a birthday I didn't want to celebrate.

Today we awoke in the frozen tundra. Our apartment faces Northwest and it is freezing! Our cats are piled together in order to keep warm. This is when a wood floor is not so wonderful. Carpet is a terrific insulator and keeps the feet warm. Thankfully I have a couple pairs of warm slippers. Also, I will be making those cut out sugar cookies today and having the oven on will do wonders to keep us all warm.

Good News Bad News Kinda Day

2008-12-04T15:34:00.002-06:00

Today has been crazy. Crazy, I tell you!

Bad News: I got earlier than normal because I had some homework to finish up. When I loaded the pictures, I saw that all the changes I'd made in Photoshop the night before had not saved! So I had to do everything all over again. Grrrr.

Good News: Bob's social worker called and said she was going to order a portable ramp for him so that he can have access to places with, at most, 2 stairs! We can just throw the ramp in the van for when we need it. Also, they are going to cover the Ensure his dietitian recommended and 3 cases were ordered for us. Yay!

Bad/Good News: The medical supply company we were working with to get Bob's new chair is not Medicare certified so we can't use them for the chair. However, this was caught in time so we don't need to go through another whole evaluation, we just need to switch medical supply companies. We now have to work with a company we'd had rough relations with in the past. However, it seems those issues have been worked out and they are now a better company to deal with. So, Grrrr to start but Yay on the finish.

Good News: Meals on Wheels delivered their first meal to Bob today. Yay!
Bad News: He thought it started next week so was not home to receive it. Grrrr.
Good News: He's aware of the schedule now so will be home at delivery time from now on. Yay!

Good News: A lady is coming to help keep our apartment clean 3 hours a week. She starts on the 15th and will just do the basic cleaning like dusting, vacuuming, mopping, etc. Yay!

Good News: I emailed our church to see if they have any accessible small groups Bob and I can join so we can get to know people there. I received an email back saying it would be an answer to prayer if WE would consider hosting a home/meal group. Seems they've been looking for a host/leader in the West Metro. I talked to Bob and he's all for it. Yay!

Good News: I may have found someone to buy our antique/family heirloom dressers.
Bad News: His offer was much lower than I'd asked. Not sure how that will play out.

Good News: I was able to rearrange my class schedule for next semester so all my classes are now on Tuesday (starting at 8am and going through 8pm).
Bad News: This means I am unable to attend our church's women's small group I'd wanted to join. There are other groups but the one I wanted to join meets every Tuesday night. Sigh.

Good News: I can apply for scholarships at school to help offset the cost of school and the equipment I always need to buy. Yay!
Bad News: I missed the deadline for next semester by 3 days! Grrrr.
Good News: I can keep the application and resubmit it for Fall 2009 in March or April. Grray

Good News: Because Bob is on Medicare, his SSI disability check distribution day had to be switched from the end of the month to the first of the month. (I don't know why.) That means we got paid at the end of November and paid our December rent with that and our January rent will be paid at the first of January so our December paycheck is like an extra payday in our pocket! We used it to catch up on the bills we'd fallen behind on. It was like a cool drink of water and so timely! Yay!

Good News: Because of that nice little boost to our personal economy, I had a little extra cash in my pocket and was able to stop at my new favorite Indian restaurant. Turns out, you can get the buffet to go for about $7! I had a lovely lunch...and leftovers for dinner. It's all about the little things. :-) Yay!

OK, so it looks like the good news outweighs the bad news here. I'm just so bummed about missing the scholarship deadline that those feelings are weighing a little heavy on my right now. I'll get over it. In the meantime, anyone want to sponsor me this next semester? I can put your logo on my camera, bag, and tripod! Never hurts to ask.

Happy December

2008-12-02T23:14:00.002-06:00

The semester is winding down. After this week there are only 2 weeks of school left before the Christmas break. I am ready for the break. And I'm ready for my next set of classes to start. This next semester won't be so shooting photos heavy since I have a business class, a photoshop class, and a photographer's assistant class. I do have a black and white film class that will require shooting and developing but I hardly think that one class will equal the amount of images I've had to shoot for my three current classes. I am so thankful for the education I'm getting. It's hella scary and intimidating though. I hope as I go I can keep up, grow, and get even better. I talked to some upper level classmen tonight and said how reluctant I am to submit anything to the photo club's photo contests. They encouraged me to submit anyway because how else will I learn and grow? I guess. I am just a first semester student who only knows first semester stuff. How can I compete against students who have been in classes far longer than I have? Still, it doesn't hurt to try does it?

Bob continues to be visited by people nearly every day. Monday he saw a speech therapist, today he saw his OT and a new nurse who assessed him for homemaking help. He qualifies for 3 hours a week which isn't a lot but we just need someone to do basic cleaning. The homemakers would also do laundry (including IRONING!), run errands, grocery shop, etc. We are just asking for the floors to be vacuumed, swept and mopped, the bathrooms to be cleaned, and the furniture to be dusted. Yay! This will really go a long way to help me not feel so overwhelmed around here.

Bob is being visited by both his OT and PT tomorrow and next week we are seeing the gentleman that is helping us with the grant. Bob is getting sick of the visits but it's far better for him to have these people come here than it is to have to take him to all of these appointments. Also, all of these people have been helping him (us) with managing his disease. He is learning better how to conserve his energy so he has the energy to do what he wants to/needs to do all day. I am learning things too. Like what works for him and what doesn't. For instance, right now we are looking for a buyer for our antique dressers because he doesn't have the strength to open them to get clothes out anymore. We hope to replace them with something more accessible...probably from Ikea...something with shelves instead of drawers. Also, I'm learning how to help him with stretches and limbering exercises. He's surprisingly flexible and stretchy but needs help with some things due to not having the muscles to move certain ways. I am also learning to make sure Bob has healthy, protien-rich foods available to him at all times. So now we are stocking the fridge with hard boiled/peeled eggs, string cheese, cottage cheese in single serve containers, Ensure, and such. This is so when I'm not here, he has easy to eat, energy ramping foods within reach.

All these visits and all this education is helpful but it's also like getting smacked in the face with reality. Bob's disease is progressive, it's incideous, it has no cure, and it results in him getting weaker and weaker and losing more and more strength. It's conceivable that at some point (and this is nothing we want to think about right now) he will need help transfering, bathing, toileting, and eating. He may get to a point where I will have to puree his food. He may get to a point where he can't stand or walk at all on his own. These things are things we may have to deal with at some point. There is no telling when or at what point. What is good to know is that we don't have to face this alone. We have help. We have family. We have a church family (finally!). We have friends. That is what we will chose to think on right now.

Oh and finally, this month I turn 41. I am not ready. I don't feel 41. I hang out with kids half my age all week and I have a really tough time seeing myself as their mothers' age(Or nearly) . I just don't feel that old. I feel silly even saying it. I think this is why women lie about their age. I don't feel it so why should I say it? From now on, I will say that I'm 35. Anyway, my birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm not looking forward to it for the first time...in forever. Bob wanted to throw me a party but I vehmently declined. Plus the last party I threw only brought about 6 or 7 of my friends. Why add the humiliation of turning 41 on to that?

Loving the New Floors and More

2008-11-28T22:13:00.002-06:00

I am loving our new floors. They are really much easier to care for and definitely more beautiful than our old crappy carpet. Now that we are farther on the other side of the chaos that was getting them, I can say it was worth it. The cats are still getting used to them. There is a lot of sliding and slipping and scampering. Hee.

On Monday Bob received a lift recliner. He was so excited. It's a beautiful chair and Bob really likes it. Basically he has only lived in his wheelchair or his bed for the past 3 or 4 years. Other regular furniture is just too low for him to be able to get out of comfortably. So rather than sit down on our regular furniture and then struggle to get out of it, he just didn't sit in anything else. Now he has his own lift recliner and it's been heavenly for him.

Speaking of Bob, today we went to the clinic to meet with a team who assessed him for a new wheelchair. His is over 5 years old and has some mechanical problems. Also, it's not as good for him as it was over 5 years ago. His new chair with have some adaptive additions to help him with posture and pain. We are still a good 4 - 6 months away from actually getting said chair but we are on the road and we had a good start today. Now we wait for the medical supply company rep to call us. He will come out to our place to look over Bob's current chair and today's assessment.

Our Thanksgiving was OK. We had one with family yesterday and today we had one with neighbors. Yesterday's was one where I didn't have to do much other than host. Today I did everything and it was lovely. I made a turkey (of course), mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potato casserole, dressing (do not STUFF the bird), green bean hotdish, and left over scalloped corn and cheesy potatoes from yesterday's feast. Oh, and Sarah Lee rolls. It was so good. I don't usually toot my own horn, but I do admit to being a good cook. Everyone ate everything and pronounced it yummy. There were seconds and thirds offered and taken. People were sent home with leftovers and we still have some ourselves. Overall, a very successful post thanksgiving Thanksgiving was had and enjoyed. Plus I am using the turkey carcass to make a yummy wild rice and turkey soup. Score!

Things at school are winding down but are still going well. I am improving in my picture taking skills and finding new things to love and enjoy in it all. I had to take outdoor twilight/sunset photos of a skyline and while it was freezing, I got some of the best photos I've taken all semester. Tomorrow Bob and I are going to the Como Conservatory so I can complete a couple of other assignments. Classes end in 3 weeks and then we have a nice break before they start up in January again. When new classes start, I will be taking a black and white film photography class, a digital darkroom class, a photographer's assistant class, and a photography business class. I am really looking forward to next semester.

Leaving work in August was the scariest thing I've ever done and yet we haven't done so badly. Yes we are behind in some bills right now but we will catch up in January. Also, I am still waiting for some money from one of my Big Bank Co accounts but it's taking a long time for the paperwork to go through. Once it does we can pay off a bunch of stuff. Yay! Not so yay is the fact that since I've been home, I've seen how badly Bob's disease has progressed. He really does need someone to help him prep meals, get dressed/undressed, and be here in case he falls. He is being assessed for new life helps for showering, eating, dressing, etc. We even have to replace our current dressers with something more accessible for him because he can't pull the drawers out any more. Leaving work in August was the best thing I've ever done.

We found a new church. We think. We haven't been to a church regularly for nearly 2 years. We left our old church for a variety of reasons and never felt called or comfortable in any other church we visited until we started attending Sanctuary Covenant. On Sunday after the service we are meeting with the pastors and we are excited about attending church for the first time in over 3 years. We are also excited about what God might have us do in service to the body there.

Settling Down

2008-11-24T11:01:00.009-06:00

Well, Bob did his best and he did really well but when I got home from school, there was still a lot to do. Even though it was 10:00pm, I pushed up my sleeves, turned on some tunes, got out the cleaning supplies and went to work. I managed to get the kitchen and living room cleaned, organized, and arranged before the exhaustion really caught up with me and I had to go to bed. It was 3:00am.

The next morning I got up and started in with the cleaning once again. I had to work fast because Bob's physical therapist was coming over at 11 and another man from the county was coming over at 1:00. I managed to get our entertainment center set up and all the electronics working by the time the PT showed up.

Bob's PT is super nice and was very surprised at Bob's range of motion and flexibility. He really does have an ability to move and lift the muscles he is left with. It's kind of amazing. There are exercises I have to help him with, but surprisingly, those are few and far between. Bob does most of his exercises in his bed before he gets up in the morning. (He's less tired and more able to get them done first thing in the morning.) He's ingenious in the way he uses his bed for resistance.

After the PT left, another man from the county came by to talk to us about the program Bob qualified for. It's one that gives his an annual budget and with that budget he is able to pay people to come in and care for him. He can pay someone to clean, help him with meals, help him bath, get dressed, exercise, etc. He can also get a membership at the Y, hire a nutritionist, see a chiropractor or massage therapist. He can also get adaptive/assistive aids with this money. All this as long as he doesn't go over his budget. This is great news because there is a lot of stuff we have put on hold or gone without altogether because we couldn't afford it. Now Bob can afford these things and his life will get easier. The budget isn't huge, but it's enough. Also, I can get paid as Bob's personal care attendant. There are lots of checks and balances in place so as to not get in hot water with the budget and Bob can't pay me more than he would pay someone else to care for him. But with the money I get from my work study and the money I get from caring for Bob, we should be OK. Whoot! Another thing Bob is looking forward to is a YMCA membership. He wants to hire a personal trainer to work with him on flexibility since strength training is not an option. As his PCA, I can go and work out with him, so it benefits us both. Unfortunately, this program is slow moving so we won't officially be on it until January so right now we are just getting the paperwork done and jumping through the hoops set before us.

After all our meetings and more cleaning, we still had to go get the cats from the vet. I set out in the van to pick them up. On the way I called in a pizza to be ready for pick up on our way home. I got Maisey and Daisy first and buckled their carriers into the van. Then I got the large carrier that held both Zoe and Chloe. Chloe was crying that sad, mournful wail that cats use when they are at their scardiest. On the way to the van I caught a whiff of cat urine and it knocked me over. I'm not sure if she had peed her carrier prior to me picking her up and I just now smelled it or if she peed on the way out to the van. Either way, it reeked and I had to drive home, stop and pick up a pizza, and drive some more before getting them home. Gah!

Once home, I carried Maisey and Daisy's carriers up to our apartment but didn't let them out. Bob came with me to get the kittens (we still call them the kittens even though they'll be 3 in April). The smell of urine was so strong and gag inducing I had to step back. Once we got them into the apartment, we took the carrier to the bathroom hoping to coral them there while we cleaned them and the carrier up. However, the carrier is so big and our bathroom so small that both cats got out. Each one ran to a separate bedroom and hid. So now we had cat pee in the bathroom and both bedrooms. I carried the carrier to the patio and cried. I'd just spent hours cleaning up sawdust from everything we owned and now I'd have to clean cat pee from the rest of our stuff. Grrrr!

While I was on the patio having a meltdown, Bob was able to coral the kittens into the bathroom. I got myself pulled together and grabbed poor Chloe who looked to be the culprit of the peeing incident. She is normally a very fluffy and vain kitty. At this point her feet, tail, and tummy were all wet and she was acting sad/depressed/humiliated. Poor kitty. We ran a bath and bathed her as well as we could. Never having actually bathed any of our cats before, I wasn't sure how it would go but Chloe surprised us. She lay docilly in the water while we soaped and rinsed, soaped and rinsed her. As I soaped her throat and stomach, I could feel her puring away. Once clean, we lay her in a towel and wrapped her tight. She just lay there enjoying the act of us drying her off. Once dry enough, we let her go and she ran off to groom. We repeated the same with Zoe who, though not thrilled, let us bathe her with minimal effort. She did keep trying to get out of the bath but for the most part was compliant enough and never meowed or cried during the ordeal.

Once both cats were clean, we went to work on cleaning the cat pee from everything. I think we got it. Thankfully, it was all surface cleaning and not deep cleaning so that made things a bit easier. Still, I was overwhelmed and would be so thankful for a day that didn't involve cleaning things. Once everything was clean we were finally able to let Daisy and Maisey out of their carriers and FINALLY eat the pizza I'd picked up. The cats were all a little hesitant and freaked out but we knew they would settle down.

The next day, the cats all seemed in better spirits and more settled in. They were unsure of the new floor and there have been a couple of funny incidents when, while running, they couldn't catch their footing resulting in a cartoon like scene of cat feet moving but the cat not going anywhere. They also don't really like the sound Bob's wheels make on the floor but they will get used to it.
I was looking forward to Sunday since I didn't have anything planned other than church. Bob and I have been visiting a church we really like a lot. It's an urban church that meets in a school on the North side of Minneapolis. It's extremely diverse, quite large, and for some reason we feel at home there. Sunday was no different in our experience there. We really enjoyed the service and look forward to seeing if and how we might be called to serve there. Next Sunday we are going to an event called Pizza With the Pastors to meet the pastors and get our questions answered.

To end today's post, here are some photos of the new floor. Was it all worth it? Now that I'm on the other side of it I can say yes but last week I wasn't so sure.

Looking at living, dining, kitchen from bedroom areaLooking at living room into the bedroom from dining areaLooking at living room from dining roomLooking at living room from front entrySanta MaiseySanta ChloeSanta Zoe

Be Careful What You Wish For

2008-11-20T16:10:00.005-06:00

So we have new beautiful laminate floors in our apartment. We also have a nice find layer of wood dust on every single linear surface in our apartment. The guys who installed the flooring, cut it all inside our apartment which means we are left to clean up more dust than we had soot after the fire in April. Needless to say, I was a tad overwhelmed this morning as I surveyed the job before me. Still, the floors are beautiful.

We got up early yesterday, finished emptying the living and dining areas of furniture, boxed up the cats, and drove them to the vet's office. It wasn't much fun. Four kitties can make an awful racket when enclosed in a moving vehicle. Poor things. We were going to pick them up today but since we have to clean up the wood dust, we thought it best to leave them another day.

After dropping off the cats at the vet, we went to breakfast. I wanted to go to Key's but there wasn't really one near by so we settled on IHop. It wasn't a bad breakfast. I had a mushroom, swiss, spinach, tomato omelet while Bob had a ham and cheese omelet. We spent some time talking about life, money, the holidays, etc. and had a nice time lingering over coffee. After that, we went to Target to look for a couple of household items. Of course we left with more than our list showed we needed but that's always the way at Target. After Target we went to the wild bird store to exchange some suet. I had purchased some hot pepper suet because I was told the birds like it but the squirrels leave it alone. However, it seemed no one liked it. It just sat in our suet feeder getting old and yucky. I exchanged the red pepper suet for fruit and nut suet and that should make our downy woodpecker friends very happy.

We were told that the flooring guys were coming after 9am and should only take 3 to 4 hours. At this point it was about 11:30 and we still needed to kill a couple of hours. We did the only logical thing and saw a movie. Bob likes action and I like attractive men so we went to see the new James Bond movie. It was FULL of action and not as full of Daniel Craig as I would have liked. Still, it was an OK way to spend a couple of hours.

When we got back to our apartment building, the head maintenance man met us in the garage. He said the floor guys weren't done yet but that we could go upstairs to check it out. So we did. They had ripped out all the old carpet and were laying the under floor. Only one little strip of hallway had been finished with the wood floor. That was disappointing since we didn't have anything else to do to keep us busy and out of the way. Bob suggested he just go hang out at the gas station and I could go to school and work on any projects I had. That seemed logical so that's what we did.

Bob called me at school at nearly 7pm and told me the flooring guys were done and he was in the apartment but that the quarter round still had to be laid and the dust had to be cleaned up. When I got home I marvelled at the new floor. It was beautiful. Dusty, but really amazing. We couldn't begin cleaning up or moving things back in to the main living area until the quarter rounds were put in so we ended up going to bed. It was weird being there without the cats and Bob said it had been really lonely while I was at school. Also weird was how shoddy and dingy the walls now appeared. Huh. The crappy, gross carpet must have diverted my attention from the dirty, spotty walls. Nice.

This morning the maintenance men came and installed the quarter rounds but didn't clean up. I asked about that and they kind of inferred it was up to us to clean up. I said that didn't seem fair since we hadn't been told to put things away or cover anything with plastic sheeting. If we had been told, we would have done that. I said that every surface of everything in our apartment was now covered in dust and it was only just in April when everything had been cleaned after the fire. They said they would tell the office manager but she would have to get back to me.

I started cleaning. The job overwhelmed me. I looked at everything we owned and wondered how and when I would ever be done cleaning it. I had wash everything...the cupboards, the appliances, the containers and jars, the dishes that were left out, the sugar bowl, salt and pepper shakers, the cats food/water bowls, the photographs, paintings, and artwork that hung on our walls. I had to create a laundry pile for anything linen that could be washed. Our sofas had to be vacuumed over and over to remove the fine dust that had settled on them. I looked at the overwhelming task before me and did what any woman with a pioneer spirit would do. I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I washed the counters. Snot spilled onto the freshly washed microwave. My shoulders shook with sobs as I wiped down the aquarium and fish food. I knew I was crying out of frustration and that it would be over and I'd be fine. Bob did not see it that way.

When Bob came in the apartment, he saw me crying and immediately went back out to talk to the maintenance guys. He came back and told me to stop what I was doing, go to the bedroom, pick up a book and relax. I had a hard time doing it but eventually the futility of the job I was doing overcame me and I did as he asked. He said he would work hard while I was at school and work study today to get someone or lots of someones to come and clean our apartment. He promised that it would be at least 75-80 % clean by the time I got home tonight. I am skeptical, but he was adamant, so I left him and our dusty apartment and went to school.

I have no idea how things are going at our home. I only hope Bob is true to his word and able to get the help he promised. Otherwise I just may have to pack up and move. It seems moving would be an easier task at this point than completely cleaning fine wood dust from all our possessions. We'll see. Stay tuned.

Bob's Care and New Floors

2008-11-18T12:17:00.002-06:00

I thought I should blog about how things are going with Bob's care now that we are working with MA and Medicare.

A home health nurse just left after assessing Bob. The nurse was a very kind and gentle young man who, it turns out, does not live far from us. He said Bob is doing very well and since I help him with activities of daily living, we will not need to have a home health aid come in to bathe or make meals for Bob. That's good news. We will be seeing a nurse weekly for a month or so and after that, who knows.

Later this afternoon a woman is coming to either assess Bob for physical or occupational therapy, I can't remember which. Either way, we hope we can figure out a better way for Bob to use a telephone, computer, and other necessities for living. So, we'll see.

On Friday afternoon I am meeting with a gentleman who is going to go over the state grant program with me and next Friday morning Bob is going to be assessed for a new wheelchair. This seems to be the time for many, many assessments. Once they are all done we will receive recommendations and then we can make a plan of care, access, and ability.

In other good news, we met our apartment complex's new managers. I mentioned to the woman that our carpet is trashed due to Bob's wheelchair and asked her if it could be replaced with laminate flooring. (This wasn't out of nowhere, the apartment down the hall from us had been upgraded with new laminate flooring.) She kind of looked at me as if to size me up and said she would look into it and get back to me. She must have looked up our rental history because the next day she told Bob that not only will they replace the flooring, they will do it before the holidays AND if we sign a new 1-year lease in December, our rent will not go up. This works for us. We just signed a 1-year lease in June so this is like getting 6 months rent without the usual annual increase. We've lived here for 6 years and have never been late with rent. I think that impressed her. I cannot wait for the new floor! It will be so much easier to keep clean.

School is going well but with the semester winding down, the profs are loading on the homework. And since it's the end of the semester, the assignments are much more involved and stressful. At least for me they are. I have one assignment where I have to take 24 pictures of a pen. Well, the pen has to be identifiable in the shots anyway. I decided to do a photo essay on "A Day in the Life of a Pen". So far I've photographed a pen in bed, in a bubble bath, making breakfast, playing with the cats, blogging, and watching TV. I will get some outdoor shots and school shots later today. I also have another assignment to shoot 35-40 shots of something of my choosing but it must be superior in composition, lighting, focus, etc. I think I may use the photoshoot of the kittens for that particular assignment. Thankfully, there is only about 3 more weeks of class before winter break. Whew!

I asked my advisor if it's normal to feel overwhelmed and under prepared after the first semester of the professional photography program. He said it is and was I also wondering if I could even hack it as a pro photographer. I said I HAD been struggling with thoughts along the line of, "Will I ever really be able to make a living at this?" and "Who would pay ME to take pictures?" and "What the hell was I thinking?" He laughed and said that was very normal but to take heart...it gets better and promotes growth. He said he looks for growth and developement (ha!) in people in the program and that as long as there is growth and the applying of knowledge, he doesn't worry about his students. That kind of made me feel better. At least until I look at other people's work, compare it to mine, and come out lacking. Gah!

OMG! I just saw one of our complex's maintenance men and he said our floors are going to be put in tomorrow! Yikes! I am NOT ready for that yet. So I need to sign off and find out for sure. New floors tomorrow!

Thank God for Assistance

2008-11-11T14:19:00.002-06:00

So winter arrived this weekend.

I went out of town this weekend. Every year 7-12 of my girlfriends and I go to on a long weekend together. We always go the weekend of the deer hunting opener even though none of our husbands hunt. This year was lovely even though the weather was not. It alternated between snow/sleet/rain and was freezing cold. The overnight low was 19 degrees and our high was in the 30's. Thankfully the cabin we stay in features 2 lovely fireplaces. A good time was had by all.

I love our social worker and by the grace of God, it appears she loves us too. Because Bob qualified for lot of stuff and I qualified for nothing, she is going above and beyond in her quest to help us. In the coming days Bob is going to be on the receiving end of the following; a lift reclining chair, a new power wheelchair, Meals on Wheels on Thursday and Friday, housecleaning help, and food assistance. I am beyond grateful for all this help but I do wish the wheels of assistance moved with a little more zoom. With no actual money coming in yet I am a little on the anxious side right now.

I began my work study at school last week. It is apparent that I won't be getting quite the number of hours we first thought, but still, it's something. So far I like it but am surprised how much 10-15 hours of extra work change my outlook of my week. Not in a negative way but I am finding that I have to reorganize how and when I do things again just because of the extra work. I thought I'd be able to just fit it in but am surprised to find that I need to re-prioritize and organize.

Tomorrow I am going to my friend Lisa's house. She has 2 litters of 4-week old kittens I need to photograph. These 2 litters total 12 little wild kittens and I cannot wait! Pictures to come.

Don't Forget to Set Your Clocks Back

2008-11-01T21:11:00.002-05:00

So, we received word from the county that Bob has been approved for state aid benefits but I have not. Apparently I make too much money. Which is weird since I haven't made any money since I quit my job. Well, that's not entirely true. I did make $100 taking pictures at a theater opening but the actual job was nearly 2 months ago and I just got paid for it so it doesn't really count.

Anyway, the good news is that Bob is now covered medically speaking and is getting food assistance as well, so that's good. We also qualified for a program where he will get money to pay a personal care attendant to help him with the functions of daily living. Under the program, he can pay me, so there's that. However, I guess this program takes a while to get into gear so for now we are scraping by. Still, life hasn't been bad at all and we are doing OK.

It's been over 2 months since I quite my job and I am still OK with my decision. The temp jobs I signed up for have not panned out, nor have the jobs I've interviewed for on my own and I guess that's OK since they weren't at the top of my career list. However, I was offered work study in my program at school and am just waiting for the paperwork to go through. Could be a couple of weeks still. It won't pay a lot but it's better than nothing. It's also a great opportunity to get to know the photography department, equipment, and professors. I think it's a good move that will help me with contacts in the long run. Oh, and I had an interview at a local camera store. Not sure if that will end up being something that will work with my schedule but I will deal with that when the time comes.

So yesterday was Halloween. We didn't do much. We handed out candy but we only had about a dozen kids stop by. Now we have a huge bucket of candy. I gave out some more today to kids we know but didn't see last night. Still, we have a lot of candy left over.

I went out shooting today (with camera, not guns) and had a pretty good time. I managed to complete at least 3 assignments and will have Bob help me with a couple of others. Next weekend I am going out of town with friends and I will have my pick of models to help me out with newer assignments. Anyway, today everyone had the same idea. I was out at Minnehaha Falls Park and saw at least 4 other photographers out there shooting families and couples. And at one time a woman came up to me while I was setting up a shot and asked me if I was someone else. I had to say no and wish her luck on finding her photographer. I don't know if she ever found her. I'm going to miss days like today. It was beautiful, warm, and sunny and possibly our last truly nice day before the snow flies.

Well, I've already set our clocks back because last year we forgot and were early for everything on Sunday. Plus, I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I am already yawning and working at keeping my eyes open. According to my clock, it's 9:30. Looks like I'll be getting to bed early tonight.

Social Services

2008-10-27T13:50:00.002-05:00

I spent the weekend doing laundry and cleaning. I really deep cleaned our apartment. I vacuumed all the furniture and wiped down all the kitchen surfaces including all the cabinets. I got rid of a bunch of clutter and organized things that had become clutter catchers. I washed every single item I could in order to get the cat hair off of it. It felt so good. However, I did all this because we were expecting a visit from a social worker. I was so nervous and spent a lot of frenetic, anxious energy cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Oh, and carving pumpkins.

Our social worker showed up promptly at 10am this morning. The first thing I asked her was if she was allergic to cats. Thankfully she wasn't. Even more thankfully, she LOVED cats. She even asked for our cats names and patted her lap so Daisy would jump up and cuddle her. Yay! We ended up loving her and spent nearly 2 hours with her going over Bob's medical history, diagnosis, goals, plans, and needs. She said that a nurse recently told her that it is not possible for someone with MD to reach adulthood without a diagnosis. We said that is obviously not true especially since there are over 40 different types and not all are evident in childhood.

Our meeting with her went really well. Originally we thought we might have to slightly exaggerate our need in order to receive services. Well, it turns out we really REALLY qualify for quite a few services. Oh thank God. Bob is already on Medical Assistance and we are getting help with food purchases. I will eventually be on MN Care and we are working towards qualifying and getting help from a state program that will allow me to be Bob's caregiver and be paid. I guess the process for this really takes a long time, so that is slower in coming. Bob is able to get assistive aids/tools/products that are paid for including a lift chair and even possibly voice technology for his computer. All of this takes a HUGE weight off our shoulders. Now if only I can find some kind of income that will allow us to pay our bills.

Other good news our social worker told us is that the preferred vendor of medical/assistive aids is the one we already use! Of all the medical supply stores out there, the one the state uses is the one we are already familiar with. They know us, they know Bob's needs, they know Bob's issues, and we will continue to work with them. That really is good news.

Another spot of good news is that to qualify for one of the supports to which we apply, Bob needs to earn at least $75 per month. He can earn more, but he needs to earn at least $75 a month. He is so excited about this. He cannot wait to be working, earning money, and contributing to our household again. Even if it's not much, it is helping us qualify for a program that we need and it will go a long way to give him esteem in providing for his family. So. Awesome.

2008-10-24T14:51:00.002-05:00

2008-10-22T13:19:00.002-05:00

October is infertility awareness month and the this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
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People dealing with infertility are tangled in a mess of hope and grief. Most every month there is the hope of conceiving either naturally or through medical intervention. When conception doesn't take, there is grief, anger, despair, frustration, depression, and feelings of failure to deal with.

Grief is difficult to deal with in any situation but decidedly so in the case of infertility. If a couple has been unable to conceive there isn't a death to grieve. However, the couple dealing with infertility can feel as though something has died. And in truth, their dreams have died. Their dreams of an expanding family have died. Their dreams of passing on traditions, wisdom, family heirlooms, etc have all died. A woman's dream of carrying a baby in her womb and delivering a baby in birth have died. A man's dream of playing ball with his son or having an heir have died. A couple's dream of parenthood has died. Still, there are more websites and aids developed for couples grieving the loss of a pregnancy or infant than there are for couples grieving the loss of parenthood altogether.

In perusing the internet in search of help for grieving people led me here. This page was written by a certified grief counselor who also struggled with infertility. There is a lot of wisdom here as well as a reminder of the 5 stages of grief. The author also gives a lot of good resources for grieving people and the infertile.
1.) GROWW
2.) Fertile Thoughts

My own husband and I were talking today about the upcoming holidays. We usually spend Thanksgiving with either his family or my family but Christmas is spent alone together. Last year we spent Christmas at a hotel in downtown Minneapolis and we ended up having a great time together. This year I don't even want to put up the Christmas decorations. Why have holiday traditions if the traditions don't go anywhere? So in talking we decided we are going to save any extra money that comes in and spend Christmas at the casino hotel. That's how we are going to deal with Christmas alone this year.

Other online resources for people dealing with infertility:
1.) Infertility's Common Thread
2.) Online Peer Counseling List
3.) Blogs of others dealing with infertility, IVF, loss, and adoption
4.) Missing Grace Foundation. This organization holds conferences and retreats every year in the Minneapolis area for families that have experienced: pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility or adoption and to advocate for comprehensive, patient-focused prenatal care for all women. Five core areas encompass the heart of the mission: Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate.

Coping With Infertility

2008-10-21T16:24:00.002-05:00

Thanks Mary

2008-10-20T22:24:00.003-05:00

As a long time reader of blogs, I've found my favorites and have them all entered into my Google reader. One blog I've read for years is written by a day care/childcare giver.

As a former nanny and a hopeful parent-to-be, I've appreciated her no-nonsense, down-to-earth approach to childcare.

Last week she emailed me and asked if I would be willing to guest post during this week of infertility awareness. I gladly accepted and she posted my guest post today. Click here to read.

Thanks, Mary for the opportunity to share my struggle and give voice to a problem not usually mentioned in mommy/childcare blogs. I really appreciate it.

National Infertility Awareness Week

2008-10-20T11:47:00.002-05:00

While the month of October is National Infertility Awareness Month, Sunday began the official Infertility Awareness Week.

If you struggle with infertility, I recommend visiting Resolve's website in order to find some help.

If you don't happen to struggle with infertility but have loved ones who do, please read Resolve's fact sheet on ways you can help/be there for them.

As the week progresses, I will add other resources available to infertiles and those that love them so check in each day.

An Interesting Photo Opportunity

2008-10-17T23:07:00.001-05:00

Also, an interesting experience. If you are into and not scared by zombies, have I got an event for you. BRAINS!

Infertility: the Definition of Insanity?

2008-10-13T22:24:00.003-05:00

October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.

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I have been sick for about two weeks now and it's really getting old. It started with a sore throat and stuffy nose and quickly moved from my head to my chest where it has set up camp and made itself at home. I have a weird lethargy, low-grade fever, and a chest cough that has finally moved from an annoying tickle in the throat to a productive cough. I thought I was on the mend today but after running a couple of quick errands this afternoon, I had to come home and take a nap before class.

To be honest, I'd been hoping some of the illness I felt was from pregnancy. I was three days late (a rarity), had tender breasts for a week, and just felt different somehow. But no, Aunt Flo finally made her appearance today. I am assuming some of my lethargy and general malaise comes from that as well.

I think the hardest thing about infertility might just be the dashed hopes. For me it's been month after month for nearly 7 years. Every month I have about 2 weeks where I think...maybe this time? Only to have that hope smashed to bits with the appearance of my period. That's nearly 78 hopes dashed. Can you say that you have had something you desired, wanted, hoped for only to have it taken from you or not made an appearance at all? Can you say that's happened nearly 80 times? The Bible says hope deferred makes a heart sick. So not only am I infertile, my heart is sick.

While watching a program detailing the life of one of my favorite singers, I heard him say something that made me take notice. He was speaking about a painful instance in his married life and how instead of turning from God or being angry at Him about the circumstances, he asked Him to make a way through the pain. I am working on making that my prayer. I still have daily battles with God about this. After all, conception, childbirth, families...they are all His invention and design so how hard would it be for Him to just make it happen for us? I don't think it would be hard at all. So why doesn't He? Who knows. Hence, my battles with my Maker. I think I've made strides in healing just by being willing to ask Him to make a way for me through this pain. I know I have to get through it, I just don't know how. So He is going to have to do something to lead me through.

So anyway, I was thinking that THIS month was different and I might really be pregnant. Isn't the definition of insanity "doing something the same time every time and expecting a different result"? Well, we do the same thing every month. In fact we do it several times a month and never get a different result. I just don't know how much longer I can take the hope/devastated rollercoaster. Two weeks of hope, wishing, dreaming, planning, desiring, expecting only to come face first into the wall of dashed hopes, despair, sadness, longing, and failure. Then a week of trying to come to terms with it all and getting on with life. It's up, down, up, down, up, down, every month the same. I just wish that I could either just stop desiring pregnancy/children, get over it all together, or get pregnant somehow. I don't think I can take 8 more months of this let alone 78 more months.

Um, Hi.

2008-10-09T16:54:00.003-05:00

October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.

So, it's been a while. Let's catch up, shall we?

Bob and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary at the end of September. We were given a 2-night stay at a local casino's luxury hotel. It was fabulous. I'm not much of a gambler so I enjoyed the in room movies, the casino bowling alley, and the hotel pool and whirlpool (one night I had both all to myself for nearly an hour!). Bob won 2nd place in a Texas Hold'em tournament so we actually had some money to play with, which was nice. We also drove around the area in which we stayed and had a lovely day outside enjoying the sunny autumn weather. Bob surprised me with some Fiestaware for an anniversary present, so that was nice too.

School continues to go well. I find that though the work can be overwhelming at times, I am really enjoying what I am learning. My professors are knowledgeable and helpful without being condescending. I am getting pretty good marks so far and feel good about what I am doing there. I recently met with my advisor to go over next semester's class picks and while I am adding an extra class compared to what I'm doing now, I'm only adding an extra credit. Interestingly, 3 of my classes meet on Tuesday and my other class meets on Wednesday. That leaves the rest of the week open to more job hunting/working.

Speaking of...the temporary jobs seemed to have all but dried up. I used to get weekly notices of openings but lately I've not heard anything. I've called the agencies and they have my info on file but no openings ready. However, I do have an interview at a local camera store tomorrow at 11. They are looking for some type of manager. I don't have manager experience but I am hoping some life experience will qualify me for the position. I submitted my resume this morning and he called me at noon for the interview so it seems he is really looking for someone. Who knows, this could be a door into bigger and better things.

Things at my old workplace seem to still be in turmoil. One of my former co-workers keeps me abreast of what's going on and she says things are crazy. People are cashing in their annuities left and right which makes the workload quite large. Normal cash outs when I was working there were about 5-8 per day. My friend told me they are now processing hundreds per day. Also, it seems that they are beginning to treat her the way I was being treated. I am not happy that she is getting hassled but I am happy to know that it wasn't just me reading too much into things. It was really real and it really happened. I just hope she can stand her ground and take it or face it better than I could.

Finally because we are getting down to the last of the money we'd put aside we made a decision and followed through with it on Wednesday. We went and applied for public assistance. Bob needs medical assistance for sure and we are looking into a grant we'd heard about for familial care-givers for persons with disabilities. Applying wasn't fun. We got to the office around 10am and got our number. They called our number once to see what we were there for. We got the paperwork we needed to fill out. They called our number again to get our paperwork. Then we had to wait for our number to be called a third time to meet with someone to go over our paperwork. When we were done we had a list of more paperwork they require before they can make a decision on our acceptance into the program. I have all but one thing on the list as of right now. I am waiting for that to be mailed to me and when it is, I can fax everything else in. I don't know how fast the wheels turn, but I hope it's faster than our money runs out.

Bob was bummed to apply for assistance but I was less so. It's there for people who need it when they need it. When we don't need it anymore, we won't use it. I don't expect to need it for a long period of time...it's just to help us through this tough spot.

Being at the county assistance office sure was an interesting social study. Lots of faces of color. Lots of elderly. Lots of men. One woman got arrested while we were there waiting and that was interesting as well. She was compliant and the police officers were polite, quiet, and quick about it. As we were leaving, an African American man got on the elevator with us. Just as the doors closed a woman in head to toe coverings tried to get on but was unsuccessful. The whole trip down the gentleman (and I use that term loosely) spat the worst racist language I'd heard in a while. He spoke out loud to us as though we might share his opinion of "that kind of person". Unfortunately, he got off on another floor and we weren't able to respond one way or the other. I am not used to hearing such hatred spoken so smoothly and it sat with me (and apparently continues to sit with me) the rest of the day.

Oh! My friend is still pregnant and we are still friends. I look forward to an upcoming retreat we are going on with all our friends next month so we can talk even more. I got her a newborn size onesie while we were at the casino and a Target Baby gift card. All her kids are teenagers so for her, it is like she is starting completely over and I am sure she needs lots of new stuff. Right now she can barely think of that because she is sick quite a bit. The first trimester is kicking her butt.

This weekend is the annual MDA Stride and Ride. If you would like to donate to our walk for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, email me or post a comment and I will give you our mailing address. All gifts are tax deductable. Thanks!

Let me be clear

2008-09-26T18:21:00.005-05:00

My friend was discharged from the hospital today. I had planned on visiting her today but she called early on to tell me she was sprung and heading home. Let me be clear about my struggle with K's pregnancy. My struggle was NOT about her being pregnant (OK, maybe a little of it was) but instead it was about the fact that she was 9 weeks pregnant, had seen me, talked to me on the phone, and had not told me. The rest of our friends (6 other ladies that meet regularly) all knew and kept it from me. She thought that she was sparing me by waiting to tell me until conditions were right. As I told her today, I don't think there is any possible scenario that could have happened to make her news not hurtful to me (other than me being pregnant at the same time). That's just the way it is. I also told her that just because I am struggling with how things are doesn't mean I'm not happy for her. I am. I am thrilled they are having a baby at this stage in their life. It's a nice little surprise that will really make their family fun. I just wish I could share the experience with her. She asked if we were still getting together at my place next Friday and I said we were but that I might not know how to pray. Right now my whole attitude towards God is WTF? She laughed and agreed she knows how that feels. I still just cannot wrap my head around it though. The woman who has held my hand, believed with all she is, prayed with fervor and heart for something she believes will happen, and has listened to me cry hundreds of times is herself carrying the child we thought would be mine. Well, not exactly mine. I didn't impregnate her. We just thought I would be pregnant...not her.

Let me also be clear about our infertility. Infertility is defined as trying to get pregnant for a year without pregnancy. If you are over 35 the definition changes to 6 months without a pregnancy. We've been trying for...well, it will be 7 years on Monday. I've never been pregnant.

We went to the doctor and fixed what we could. I had dye run through my tubes to see if they were stopped up but the dye flowed freely. I had an operation that removed scar tissue and endometriosis. I had another operation that removed a pollyp from my uterus. I had 3 inseminations last year and another 3 this year before my insurance ran out. Bob was tested and while his sperm showed low motility, everything else looked fine. We assumed that the low motility was due to the water weight he'd put on and his heart/respitory issues. Now that those are doing OK, he should be better but he's not been tested for over a year.

We have done all that we can do medically and financially. Now that I'm not employed, we don't have medical insurance (though Bob qualifies and is in the midst of being approved for Medicare.) and we no longer qualify to be foster parents. Needless to say, without my income we don't have a lot of money so at this point, adoption is not an option either. Not that we would necessarily qualify for adoption either. A lot of agencies we looked at have medical, financial, and age qualifiers that we didn't meet.

So at this point we have done all we can do. We still try to get pregnant every month. We still pray for a miracle. But 7 years is a long time to want something, try for something, and be denied at every turn. I have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am OK with never being a parent, never having children. But then something like K announcing her pregnancy happens and all of a sudden, I'm torn from my place of acceptance and transported to a place of want, need, and intense desire for a child. I would LOVE to live in a place of a acceptance. I would love to be able to just let go of this and live my life with my husband. I try. I pray. I "give it over". Yet I cannot let go. It is a painful place and I hate it. Now that I'm 40, I am nearing an age where eventually I will just have to accept it is not going to happen and be OK with it. But with every period coming regularly every month there is still hope and because there is hope I seem to be unable to let go completely. It's something I'm still working on.

Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.

What People Don't Know About Being Infertile

2008-09-25T20:42:00.002-05:00

Being infertile/without children affects every aspect of life. EVERY. ASPECT.

Do you read the Bible? Do you come across verses that make references to future generations? If so, those verses don't apply to you because you haven't produced a new generation. The generation ends with you and your husband.

Do you and your husband enjoy doing things together? Do you enjoy seasonal opportunities? If so, rule out carnivals, parks, petting zoos, pumpkin patches, Disney movies, or other family/children-centric activities unless you wish to address the weird looks and stares from parents carting their children around. Adults in child-centric areas are looked upon as possible pedophiles/weirdos.

Do you and your husband talk about future baby names? Rules and boundaries for future kids? Have you ever caught yourself saying, "when we have kids..."? How long can you go without ever having those hypothetical kids?

Does school start and you don't have anyone to send to school? Does Christmas come and go without your household experiencing the innocence, excitement, and childhood wonder of the season? Are your shopping expeditions devoid of juice boxes, yogo, diapers, and licensed characters? Do you feel negated as a women because you haven't given birth or nurtured another human being?

The pain of infertility isn't just about not having kids while intensely desiring them, it's about living in that pain every single day and trying to come to terms with never seeing those dreams come true in the midst of a world full of children.

In regards to my friend K. We are not on the outs. I am hurt that she didn't tell me she was pregnant when everyone else in our group knew. I was stunned at the news she is pregnant but I am working through that. What continues to haunt me is that she felt she couldn't tell me she was pregnant and that everyone else kept it from me too. That's what hurts me. I am most likely, probably going to see her in the hospital tomorrow and we will talk.

Struggling

2008-09-24T19:31:00.002-05:00

I got a call today from my friend H. She told me our mutual friend K is in the hospital. K has some kind of severe abdominal pain. The doctors think it might be her appendix but they weren't sure. I asked if they were going to operate and H said that there were complications. I asked what kind of complications and H told me that K is 9 weeks pregnant. ?????? !!!!!

I was shocked. I had talked to K just last week. I had seen her weeks before that. K is the one person I can always go to when I am struggling with my own inability to get pregnant. K is the one who prays for and with me. K is the one I turn to in my struggle with infertility and she's...pregnant?

H told me that it was an unexpected surprise. I guess it must have been since all 3 of K's kids are in their teens and as far as I know they weren't trying to get pregnant. Anyway, in shock I told H that I would visit K at the hospital today since I don't have school.

On the way to the hospital I stopped to get some flowers and a card. When I got to the hospital I realized I could not see K today. I filled out the card explaining why I couldn't see her today but that I'd be praying for her.

On my way home K called my cell phone and left a voicemail apologizing for not telling me. She kept saying she was sorry and hoped I be OK. I got home and cried. Another of our mutual friends called to check on me and I found out that all the friends in our circle knew about K's pregnancy except me. She didn't know how to tell me and was waiting to tell me in person next week when we all got together for prayer.

This is so not fair. K wasn't even trying to get pregnant. K didn't want to get pregnant that I know of. In the 2 1/2 years we've been meeting together for prayer it never once came up. Yet every time it was my prayer to get pregnant and have a baby. I'm not sure how to deal with this right now. So far I've dealt with it by crying and telling God how unfair it is. I'm sure that's the mature thing to do, right?

Three Weeks In

2008-09-10T13:35:00.002-05:00

I am well into my third week of photography classes and I am learning a lot. Mostly I am learning that I don't know diddly. In class I am feeling overwhelmed and out of my league but when I am out shooting photos for assignments, I find myself having a lot of fun and looking forward to turning it all in. I am also finding that not working right now is pretty awesome as far as having time to work on my assignments goes. Monday I was able to have coffee with a friend and then go on a shoot downtown for stuff for school. Today I am able to work on/tweak assignments due tomorrow. It's also been good for me and Bob since we are spending more time together and rebuilding what was torn down during my horrible work experience. It looks like I'm learning more than just about photography.

Interestingly, I've been trying to pick up assignments from the temp agency but so far it's been for naught. I've thrown my hat into the ring on several job postings but haven't even been called. Equally as interesting, we are doing OK financially so far. We have cut back on going out and on extraneous spending and driving. Still, we lack for nothing. We won Twins tickets through our apartment management office so Bob is taking his brother to the noon game tomorrow. We also have been given a great gift for our anniversary that I can't yet talk about but came at a time when I thought we'd have to abandon any plans of celebrating in a special way. All our bills are paid for this month and we have a full pantry and freezer so we are good to go...at least for the next few weeks.

I do have to say that I have to fight my impulse to hoard. Not cats or collectibles but food and household items. When money comes in, I really have to fight running to the store to get stuff to stock in our pantry and freezer. We are good. We have all that we need and more and yet I find myself wondering, what if? So far I've been good about keeping the hoarding at bay but the urge is still pretty strong.

Spending time with Bob has been good. Last week we took a picnic lunch to a local park and had a good time eating, laughing, playing, and exploring. We found the park by just randomly driving around a lake and it was a lovely place to hang out on a breezy sunny day. Bob hunted and chased frogs while I took pictures and sat in the sun. We also played on the playground equipment and just generally goofed off. Yesterday we walked to our local polling place to vote in our primary. The day was warm and sunny and the walk was lovely. We have really enjoyed all the new time we've been able to spend together. It's been a great big gift.

The one big thing that still concerns me and has me struggling is health care. I got my COBRA letter yesterday and if we want to continue our health coverage as it was when I was working it would cost us about $900 a month! That's more than our rent. It would be like coming up with another mortgage or rent payment a month just for health care. Bob really has to get on the stick in talking to the social worker who is supposed to help him find a health care solution.

It is obvious that fall is upon us. Our temps have been chilly, the sun not quite as strong and warm as a month ago, and frost warnings and advisories permeate the local news weather reports. I'm not ready for winter but I do like autumn. I can only hope that our autumn lingers pushing winter back a few weeks or months. I don't have confidence in that happening but I can hope.

One Week Unemployed

2008-09-03T09:22:00.004-05:00

So I've been officially unemployed for a week now and I have to say that it agrees with me. So far, any way.

Our Labor Day weekend was uneventful to start. We didn't do much on Friday or Saturday. I cleaned and did laundry and...yeah that's about it. However, once Sunday rolled around we got busier.

Sunday afternoon we left home for Treasure Island Resort and Casino, the new home of the MDA Jerry Lewis Telethon. On the way we stopped by my friend and former co-worker's house to say hi. She was having an open house later in the day but because we couldn't make it then, we at least wanted to stop by and drop off a housewarming gift of a bottle of wine. Her house is cute and we liked seeing her and her fiance at their home.

We got to the casino around 2 and walked into the hotel to check in. There was a giant line of other people waiting to check in as well. When it was finally our turn, we were told there wasn't a handicapped room yet available but we said we would take whatever was ready. We were given a double queen room that was quite lovely. The room had a flat screen TV mounted to the wall. This was my first time in a hotel room with a flat screen and I felt quite fancy.

The telethon began Sunday night at 8 so after we checked in we had time to chill and to eat. We were given a free buffet coupon so we partook of a lovely meal of buffet food. I ate too much and had no room for dessert. They should give out coupons so you can go back later and get your pie!

The telethon was...a lot of things. I am thankful for the work Jerry Lewis does to raise money and awareness for the Muscular Dystrophy diseases but I think the telethon needs to be revamped. I think bringing in younger and hipper acts, celebs, and spokespeople would make the event more relevant to today. Still, the telethon managed to raise over $50 million nationally and about $1.2 million here locally, so that's pretty good.

I was the official event photographer and I had a blast. I had an official name tag identifying me as the event photographer and I was given free reign to capture the event as it unfolded and I think I did a pretty good job. It was a lot of time on my feet and they were killing me by the end of the event but I felt in my element and had so much fun with it. Some of my photos were featured on Twin Cities Live yesterday afternoon. It was really weird in a good way to see photos I took on popular local TV.

Bob met the president of the casino. Bob told him that he usually goes to Hinkley to play cards but now that he sees how funds are donated to MDA, he will change and come to Prairie Island. The president gave Bob his card and said he should call him directly when the card bug bites and he will take care of him personally. Bob said our anniversary is coming up and could he do something for us then? The president said to call him and he would personally see to our comfort. Whoo hoo! I wish they had a spa. I guess it's in the plan for the coming year but right now there is no spa. There is a pool/sauna/whirlpool area and a bowling alley so there is more to do than gamble. We could end up having a really nice anniversary at Treasure Island.

I had class again last night. It's weird to talk photography with my classmates, get all excited, share commonalities and frustrations and then find out that the girls you are talking to are 18 and just graduated from high school. I like it though. I like it because our passion is bringing us together to learn and grow and it's very exciting to me.

One thing that is weird is that I take pictures every day of different things like my flowers, my cats, my husband, our neighborhood. However I have one class assignment to take 24 photos of anything in the way I normally shoot and it's the hardest assignment I've had so far. I am being super picky and nothing is feeling good to me. The assignment is due Monday and so far I only have 12 of the 24 shots needed. I think I need more people shots. I am debating waiting for the school bus this afternoon and getting some shots of our neighbor kids getting home from school. Now that school has started, people are few and far between around here.

Monday's weather was hazy, hot, and humid. It felt like you could squeeze the air in front of you and get water dripping. Then yesterday was cloudy, rainy, and cold! I started the day in shorts but changed to jeans and a long-sleeved shirt soon after. Today is beautiful...sunny and breezy and not a cloud in the sky but it's only 65 degrees outside. Bob and I drove to the local MDA office to drop off a photo CD of the telethon pictures and then we picked up a pizza and drove to a local lake to have a picnic. The wind off the lake was chilly but the sun was warm and wonderful. We had a great time. I love spending time with my husband like that. I am glad that I am able to do so at this time.

My anxiety breathing is finally getting better. I believe it is because I am getting more and better rest, I am eating better, and I am getting exercise. I walk a bit every day...sometimes more than others. I am still feeling poorly about myself and my ability to do good work but I am hoping that will get better as I am away from the toxic workplace...I hope. I don't miss work. I don't miss Big Bank Co. I don't miss always worrying about the job I'm doing and what mistakes I might be making and who will catch them and when. I don't miss hearing gossip and slander and negative remarks spoken under the breath. I don't miss feeling like no matter what I did, I could do no right or good. I don't miss having a boss that didn't like me. I don't miss never knowing when the next shoe was going to drop. It was scary to quit, but it was the right thing to do. In the coming weeks, Bob and I will be formulating a plan for the future. I hope it turns out alright.

Coming Clean

2008-08-28T21:26:00.002-05:00

So I suppose I should write about what's really going on with me so I can keep track of things from today on.

Yesterday was my last day at Big Bank Company. The childishness, back-biting, tattling, divisiveness, and mismanagement finally became too much. The problems at work began to negatively affect my health, my marriage, and my self worth/outlook. Bob and I were fighting. I developed a terrible case of anxiety breathing and a possible ulcer, and I began to feel as if there was nothing I could do well. I wasn't sleeping. I was eating and drinking too much. It was just a bad situation. I couldn't find another job within Big Bank Co because of the written performance issue I incurred in May.

So after talking with Bob and praying about what to do, I signed on with a temp agency, started part time classes in professional photography, and quit my job.

Today was my first day of freedom. I slept until 7, was out the door by 7:30 for a walk. I walked 4 miles today and it was amazing. I felt more like me than I have in ages. I had class at 1pm so I got to school a tad early in order to experience the place at actual school hours instead of at night. I got a student ID. I sat through class. We were let out early so I came home and made dinner for me and Bob. Overall, it was a good day.

My friend and former co-worker came over to give Bob and haircut. She said I looked so happy...happier than she's ever seen me. I said I finally feel like me again.

Bob has said that he would prefer I did not accept a temp job for the month of September. He has enough business on ebay to get us through this first month so I've agreed to change my date of availability to Oct. 1st. He is meeting with a social worker and is filling out paperwork in order to sign up for Medicare and state health aid. He will be getting help from the state and we are also looking into possible state grants that will pay for me to stay home and take care of him as his PCA. As much as we are loathe to admit and accept it, his health is declining and the possibility of him falling or injuring himself is quite high. I am nervous about his being at home by himself because of his health limitations and the high probability of injury. In fact, I did not bring the cell with me on my walk today and as I neared our apartment complex an ambulance raced passed me. I realized that it could be Bob and quickened my steps to home. Thankfully, it wasn't Bob but I learned to always take the cell with me and expect the unexpected.

So, to recap...no more Big Bank Co. I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future and I am ready for whatever comes next. Both Bob and I felt that this was the right decision at the right time and though it may not seem like a wise decision in this economy, we know it was what was right for us. Life is short and our time together is precious. It should not be affected by a crappy job that has no place for growth, development, or movement.

Sounds of a Storm

2008-08-27T11:05:00.000-05:00

It was so hard getting out of bed this morning. First off, I’ve been going to bed later than usual because my new school schedule is throwing me off. Second of all, it is now officially still dark when I get up. When did that happen? What happened to my early morning sunrise? Sigh. Third of all, a lovely late summer storm blew in just as my alarm went off. I turned my alarm off and stayed in bed and watched the lightning and listened to the thunder and rain. It was heavenly but I wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed and drift off to sleep to the sounds of the storm.

Class last night was good but man; I am in for it as far as class work goes. The class I had last night is a design class and there is a ton of reading and writing in addition to photo work. Every week we have to write an essay on some aspect of design and there will be a review/biography of a photographer of our choice. The nice thing about this class is that there are no tests. Whoot! Something that surprised me is that students are not allowed to bring laptops to class. Nor are they allowed to bring cell phones, pages, beepers, or blackberries. AND we can’t bring personal listening devices to the computer labs. I guess they have found these things to distract students from the business of schooling. Who knew?

Another nice thing about this program is that I’ve been making connections with classmates. It’s nice that I have many of the same people in my Monday and Tuesday classes since it helps me get to know people and put names to faces. Last night I was able to chat and find common ground with two 18-year old young women. I like that. We bonded over the wonderful attributes of Flickr.

I really wondered how I would do in this program and I think it’s going to be great. When I checked out Brown College and was told that their degree is a Bachelor’s and the program furnishes a Mac Book Pro laptop and Cannon Rebel xti, I really wanted to go there. However, they didn’t have any evening courses and their program costs approximately $17,000 per year. That doesn’t include the cost of books and fees. The program where I’m currently enrolled is at the local tech school. It’s a two year degree and teaches you to use your own camera to start. I like that even though the majority of students have the obvious Cannon or Nikon, there are other students with Olympus, Sony, Pentax (me), and Fuji. We all have different cameras which lend to our different perspectives and eyes. I also like that we can get our own computers. I will probably get a MAC since that is what we will be working on at school but right now I am trying to decide if I should get a laptop or desktop. This program is practical, helpful, hopeful, encouraging, and so far…fun!

Tomorrow I have a lighting class and that’s my last class this week. Well, it’s the last class unless I can get into the digital darkroom class that has been full since I registered. I NEED to be in the digital darkroom class yet when I look at my workload right now I see that there is a lot more work involved than I would have anticipated so maybe it’s OK that I start out with only 3 classes right now.

I am looking forward to this weekend. We are working at the annual MDA Labor Day Telethon. It moved from the Mall of America to a local casino so we will be spending Sunday night at the casino hotel. I am the unofficial official photographer and Bob is the unofficial official runner/guy Friday volunteer. I’m not sure what we will be doing Saturday but I do know our apartment needs a thorough cleaning, we need to pay bills, and I need to give some attention to my patio garden. Not to mention I now have homework. So, we won’t be lacking for things to do.

Learning I have a lot to learn

2008-08-26T14:50:00.001-05:00

I was nervous about class last night. I’ve been struggling with being 40 lately and thinking that sounds so old. I was afraid that I would show up in this class and be the oldest person in the room. I just had a lot of anxiety. I think a lot of it stems from my job and the fact that no matter what I do, it’s not good enough and the fact that mistakes are sought out, pointed out, and made to be life and death. So now I feel like I am not able to do anything well or that if I do, it will be dissected to the nth degree and every negative aspect picked apart. This is what I was bringing to class. Fun, huh?

Anyway, class was AWESOME! Women outnumber men but there is a great age range. In fact the table where I sat featured 3 other women close to my age so we were all able to chat about “old lady” stuff. Our instructor was positive and encouraging. He gave us our syllabus and assignment schedule and it’s kind of overwhelming but he was so excited for us that I became excited myself. I am really going to get to know how to use my camera and its manual functions. I am going to grow and learn and become an even better photographer and I am so excited.

There are people at all levels of talent and knowledge. I am about in the middle (age and talent-wise). I don’t know much about the RAW format and I’m a dummy when it comes to f-stops and apertures, but ask me about it all at the end of this class and I know I will have the knowledge to back up my answers and work.

I already have homework, reading, and prep for a pop quiz in that class. I also have to purchase a wide angle lens and some sensor cleaners. I’ve been meaning to get a wide angle lens so this will be a good way to get one and learn how to use it.

I have class again tonight too. Last night’s class was Intro to Prof. Photography and tonight’s class is Photo Design. Many of the same people I was in class with last night will also be in class with me tonight. I am still trying to get into another class that is full and am hoping someone drops it in the next few days so I can add it and be set for the semester.

One thing made me feel so good last night. Our instructor was trying to get a gauge for our knowledge and talent and asked us, “How many of you have family and friends that always love your work and tell you to do this for a job?” About a quarter to half of us raised our hands. The instructor then said that this indicates that we have a natural talent for lighting and composition and will probably really enjoy building on what we already know. He also said it will be work and that we may get to a point where we get frustrated because, “shouldn’t we know all there is to know about photography already?” But no. If we ever get to a place where we aren’t constantly growing, learning, building, and getting better then we should hang up our cameras.

In response to my last post from earlier this morning, my friend Nan may have found a car. One of my other friends actually had an old car she has been meaning to donate but hadn’t done yet. Nan and her husband are going to check it out and it looks like it might work. My friend is going to just give it to them if it works out and that is awesome. LOVE! IT!

Seeing a Need

2008-08-26T08:58:00.001-05:00

Hey all!

I am just sending out an SOS on behalf of a friend. My friend Nan works in my building. I see her every day. She works in the cafeteria in my building M-F and at a local restaurant at least one weeknight and weekends. She is awesome as she always has a smile and a good word for me. It really makes my day to see her when I stop by the café.

Today she was noticeably upset and not her usual self. When we pressed her on it, she told us that she was driving her car to her other job when it started smoking. An electrical fire was burning in her car. She pulled over and basically watched her car burn to the ground. It was only insured for liability.

Nan is good people. She and her husband are working class adults just trying to get by. She’s not sure what they are going to do now. Her husband has a truck that he drives to work but his hours are just different enough to make it tough for them to commute. She lives in the Robbinsdale area of the Twin Cities and works in the St. Louis Park area.

Does anyone know where Nan can get a fairly good used car cheap or where she can borrow a car for a while to get by? It would make her day if we could find her reliable transportation. I offered her my car since we have 2 and live so close to work but she can’t drive a stick shift and I can’t offer her Bob’s van in case he needs it.

Does anyone have any ideas or know anyone who might be able to help Nan? I know it’s huge but I thought I would ask. I just feel compelled that when I see a need, I try to do what I can to meet it. Anyone know of a way we can do this?

Thanks!

Rock Gut

2008-08-25T10:16:00.001-05:00

Today is a new day. Well, every day that you awaken is a new day but today is special because today is the first day of school! Yes, summer has officially come to an end and the start of the school year is upon us once again and today I will be joining the ranks of the new students. At 7:00 tonight I will be ensconced in a chair at a local college learning all I can learn about professional photography. It’s weird because I don’t feel like it’s real. It doesn’t feel like school should be starting right now. I am not very prepared. I have not received my books yet and I haven’t even been school supply shopping. Granted, at this point I really probably only need a notebook and pen, but I don’t even have that. I will have to stop at Target or Staples on my way home.

Bob and I went to the fair on Friday. It was fun, but again, it didn’t feel right. It didn’t seem like fair time and there was so much we didn’t do. When we got home, we realized that there was a lot of stuff we neglected and wished we’d done. Maybe we will head back on Friday or Saturday this week. We didn’t go into any buildings or see any animals. We even missed the Miracle of Birth Barn. We did end up at the Pet Center though and that was fun. There were lots and lots of dogs there participating in obedience drills so we got to see lots of furry friends there. We also played some games at the midway and had breakfast at a church diner. I rode the sky gliders early on and had a good time doing that. I also took a lot of pictures. Still, it was fun but just different from year’s past.

Saturday was spent not doing too much, although I did do our laundry. It seemed like every towel we owned was dirty and I had to do our sheets as well so there was a lot of laundry to do. As I was folding the clean laundry I began to feel lightheaded and very warm. My heart began beating very fast and I began to sweat profusely. I finished up folding and went home to lie down. Don’t know what happened but I felt drained the rest of the day so I just took it easy.

Sunday we drove 2 ½ hours north to see Bob’s folks. We had a nice visit with them at their place and took them to lunch. Weirdly, after eating lunch I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Once there I began to heave as though throwing up. Nothing came up and after about 5 minutes the episode passed. I felt a little lightheaded and my heart was beating really fast and I was sweating again. When I came out, everyone notice I didn’t look so good so we paid the bill and went back to my in-law’s place. We chatted a bit longer and then Bob and I took off for home again. I slept most of the way home and once there, I just took it east. I ate a BLT for dinner and was fine though still a little drained. I went to bed early but didn’t sleep so well (I never do on Sunday nights).

Today I’m feeling OK. I ate breakfast just fine and since I just sit at a computer at work, there isn’t a lot of activity. I notice that I have a bit of anxiety breathing going on but that’s not unusual when I’m at work. Things at work just continue to go from bad to worse in regards to the back-biting, gossip, and division which leads to my heightened anxiety and nervousness. I haven’t been getting a whole lot of good rest which is probably where all of this stuff is coming from. I feel like I have a rock in my gut at all times when I’m at work and when things are the worst, I feel like that rock is on fire. That can’t be really healthy. I just wish I could find my peace again. Maybe I will find it in class tonight.

It's Time

2008-08-13T20:16:00.002-05:00

I contacted a local temporary agency tonight. After the day I had at work today (not just today...every day) and after coming home crying again, I decided that enough it enough. Since there's not much hope of getting anything within my company I decided my best bet was to contact a temp agency. I am meeting with someone at noon tomorrow. The company I am visiting has benefits and weekly pay and it's highly likely that I can coordinate my work around my photography school and can maybe add a couple of day classes to my current schedule. For the first time in months I have hope again.

I hope the meeting with the temp agency goes well enough that I can give notice tomorrow. I would prefer to give a full 2 weeks notice but school starts on the 25th and I want to be able to attend day classes if at all possible. So, we'll see what happens.

Who Wouldn't Want to be a Millionaire?

2008-08-11T11:54:00.001-05:00

Bob just called me from a local casino. He went down there early this morning to try out for Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. He didn’t make it to the show though. He said they passed out a test of sorts and he must not have done very well on the test because next thing he knew, they were thanking him and sending him on his way. They did give him a t-shirt which they didn’t give to everyone, so that’s nice. He said the casino gave everyone $10 to play with AND the buffet lunch is free for all people trying out for the show. So he gets a nice hot lunch before leaving the premises. Not bad for a morning’s play. It’s kind of a bummer that he didn’t make it to the show. He would have been AWESOME on that show. He said he did do a lot of book networking while waiting in line. He handed out a bunch of cards and recited some poems. We hope it goes a long way to get people interested in buying his book.

I can’t believe this weekend is over already. I can’t see where all my time went. Friday night we went to a wedding reception for some long-time friends of Bob. I only knew the groom, his brother, the bride, and the mother of the bride. Bob seemed to know EVERYONE. I took a bunch of pictures, I held the most adorable baby in the world, and I had a couple of drinks. Bob seemed to have a good time and enjoyed seeing some folks he hasn’t seen in a good long time.

Saturday escapes me. I know I went to Sam’s and I know I drove some flowers to a friend’s house for her birthday and that’s…really all. Oh! I did a little grocery shopping and we grilled out for dinner. OH! And I got an awesome floor cleaner from Sam’s. It’s called the Electrolux Pronto. Essentially it’s a dustbuster for your kitchen floor. I use it to suck up the stray kitty litter tracked through the kitchen by our cats. It also has a handheld dustbuster attached for quick clean up of messes not on the kitchen floor. It’s a great little appliance. The cats don’t like it so much but I LOVE it!

I got up early on Sunday and cleaned the cat boxes, kitchen (I used my new Pronto!), and living room. I vacuumed and did some spot cleaning on our awful carpet (I wish I could rip it all up and install laminate flooring), and I tended our neglected patio garden. I watered and watered and watered. Then I picked dead leaves and buds off all the plants and rewound the vines that had wound themselves around my flowers. Our morning glories still haven’t bloomed but the vines are going crazy. The rest of the day I worked on some stuff for Bob and the book, watched the Olympics, and grilled out pizza…so good. (grill the dough first then add the toppings and grill until cheese is melted. It’s got to be really hot and you have to close the lid to ensure cheese melts quickly and evenly)

I’m so bummed I missed the opening ceremony for the Olympics. The wedding reception we went to was at a local VFW but they didn’t have a TV at the bar or I would have stationed myself in front of it for the entirety of the opening ceremony. I’ve seen some bits and pieces of the pageantry while watching certain parts of the games and I am awed by every part of it. Anyone know if there is a place online where I can watch the full opening ceremony?

So, in other events and happenings, I’m on track to attend the technical school. My first day of classes is Monday, August 25^th! So far I am signed up for 3 classes and I’m still waiting for someone to drop out of the full class I want to add to my schedule. So far I have class on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights and if I get into my 4^th class, I will be in class Monday through Thursday night from the end of August to December. I received my financial aid award and it’s nothing at all but will pay for my classes, my books, my supplies and MAYBE have enough left to get a new Macbook. The 3 classes I’ve registered for cost less than $1,000 including all my fees and taxes. Now I just need to get my books and my student ID (and Macbook…and software).

Reap/Sow

2008-08-06T11:25:00.001-05:00

I submitted my FAFSA (financial aid paperwork) and am just waiting to hear back. I went to the tech school website to register and found out that after registering, I must pay for classes by Friday or lose my place. Most of the classes I wanted are already full and the others are dangerously close. So this MAY be something I need to put off for a semester. Boo! Oh, and I cancelled our appointment with the guy at Brown. Not only did the tech school have what I was looking for, they had it at a much more affordable price. I do not need another BS degree (that’s Bachelor of Science not Bull SH** but it might as well be) and am just looking for the skills I need to be competitive. I am thankful that there are options out there and I hope I can find an affordable loan to help me get there.

Yesterday Bob took our van to the place where we got it. The driver’s side button to release the ramp had fallen off and it was messing with the whole raising and lowering system. The guy that fixes our van looked at it and said it was not covered by warranty any more and might be expensive. Still, it needed to be fixed so Bob gave the go-ahead. The guy fixed the button, fixed some spare stuff on the ramp, made it look shiny and new, AND took a look at what had just set off our engine light and fixed that too. Bob was nervous about the bill but when he looked at it, all he saw were zeros. Bob asked the guy why our bill showed a zero balance and the guy told Bob that his boss gave the OK to do the work pro bono because of all we do for them. When Bob expressed confusion over just what exactly we’d done for them, the fix-it guy said that just seeing Bob being so positive and so outgoing and so willing to always help and lend a hand went a long way in making everyone’s day at the van place. Also, Bob’s been passing along coins to the fix-it guy who is also a collector AND we’ve sent some people their way to purchase accessible vans. So the lesson learned is that it pays to be nice, positive, and willing to serve. Thank you Roll-X!

Bob’s book is due out soon. We are waiting for (what we hope will be) the final proof copy. Once we receive it, Bob will look it over and if it’s all good, he will email the publisher to approve and they will print. This could be as early as Friday! Yes, this Friday! Bob is beyond excited. We have a website for the book here: http://poetryforthesoul-v1.blogspot.com/ where we will post updates and such. I will also post things here once and a while. If you are interested in the book but happen to miss it when we announce that it’s ready to buy, just go to Amazon.com and search for Poetry for the Soul. Bob also wanted me to remind everyone that 10% of the royalties are going to the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Also, he is thinking his next book will be a memoir about living with Muscular Dystrophy and the challenges he has overcome as a result. Nothing is set in stone on that one yet but I think that might be a very positive and uplifting read for anyone who struggles with adversity in life.

What is that smell?

2008-08-05T09:27:00.000-05:00

My ph seems off today somehow. The perfume that I wear nearly every day smells to me like bug spray today and nothing I have done makes it better. Then, I got to work and put some lotion on and it smells odd to me as well. Gah.

On Saturday I went to our nearest technical college’s open house to talk to them about their professional photography program. I was pleasantly surprised to find they had evening courses and their cost per credit is only $133.00 making the 10 credits I want to take only costing me about $1330. The 4 courses I want to take are: Intro to Mac, Digital Darkroom, Intro to Professional Photography, and Photographic Design.

At the tech school open house I applied, submitted my transcripts, and got a student ID and website access. I haven’t registered yet because Bob and I are going to meet with the Brown College rep tomorrow at 5:30. We are going to talk with him about costs, classes, and why I should go to Brown when I can go to the tech school for so much less. Granted at Brown, tuition includes a new Canon Rebel XSi and a new Macbook Pro. I priced a Macbook Pro yesterday at approximately $3,500 and the cost for the Canon body only is about $800. Lenses and flashes cost a couple hundred more at the very least.

So, if I go to the technical college, I can use my own camera but I am responsible for buying at least 3 new lenses (wide angle, telephoto, and zoom), a new computer capable of speedy photo editing (hence the Macbrook Pro used at Brown), a new flash system, and the books and software for each class. So the nice price tag on the tuition is kind of cancelled out by the cost of all the new equipment needed. If I go to Brown, the tuition is quite startling but the 2 costliest items are provided.

The biggest factor in me choosing the tech school despite having to drop dollars on equipment is that they have evening classes available. Brown does not. Brown has a program starting August 18^th and another in October but neither one has any evening classes. The tech school classes start August 25^th and every class I want is offered in the evening. I just need to talk to the guy at Brown and then most likely I will get on the stick and apply for financial aid and then register for classes at the tech school. I’ll know more after our meeting tomorrow but it looks like Brown is out and tech school is in.

In other exciting news we will be attending a wedding on Friday (08-08-08). This will be the 5^th wedding we’ve been invited to (we could have gone to one on Saturday but declined that invitation…this is the ONLY wedding we’ve NOT attended so far this year) and we have at least 4 more weddings coming up. I don’t know that we will go to all of those either. What is it about 2008 that made everyone decide to get married?

Five Years

2008-08-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

So today marks my 5^th anniversary at BigBankCo. In the past, this would entail a small celebration with a little bit of recognition, some cake, and a pin or some such thing. Today? I’m buying my own ice cream cake to share. ALTHOUGH, 3 of my favoritist co-workers caught wind of my plan and gave me money towards the purchase of said cake. That was nice and surprising and though a small gesture, it made my day.

What did NOT make my day was a big wig calling various and sundry co-workers from the midst of maternity leave and asking them if they would PLEASE consider attending our office outing on Monday. See, in an effort to appear as if our department is unified and plays well together, an outing to a St. Paul Saints game was planned for Monday evening. For the first time ever (in 5 years) I RSVPd my regrets. Since things have been so unpleasant at work lately I didn’t see a need to prolong the agony even at a fun event like a Saints game. Rumor has it that so many people declined the invitation that now the powers that be suggested to those who are going that they can bring a loved one as well. Apparently attendance is still such that now calls are being made in an attempt to personally invite certain individuals to attend the game. Was a call placed to me? Oh no. It is apparent that I am not part of the “in-crowd” and it is not important that I attend. Oh, and it wasn’t just me. There were others that were not called either. Only certain people were called and invited. This goes a long way in showing that I do not work in a mature business department intent in growing and seeing the growth, maturity, development and cohesiveness of its staff. I work in a jr. high school lunch room.

Tomorrow I am going to an open house for a local technical college in order to gather info about their digital photography program. Maybe there will be a more affordable option offered at this school that will fit better into our budget and lifestyle. At this point I would just like to throw my all into this photography thing.

The Cost of our Dreams

2008-07-30T09:41:00.001-05:00

Oh man. I am in so much trouble. Well, not really trouble, per se but it could get to be trouble I think.

I met with the college sales consultant last night. Technically he is probably an admissions advisor/counselor but he was really making the hard sale on me towards attending this school. And to be honest, he didn’t have to really do the hard sale on me. Just looking over what they offer as far as a major in digital photography goes makes me want to sign on the dotted line right this very minute.

What surprised me is that their digital photography program is a 4-year BS degree. I thought it would be a 2-year AA degree, but no. The sales guy (SG) said that most likely I wouldn’t have to take any generals due to my extensive college path and I could just jump right into the core of the program. If that’s the case, I would really consider getting a second BS.

The other thing that surprised me is the cost of this school’s program. The full 4 year program (which I hope I would not have to do) tuition costs $67,000! Yikes! After I recovered from my sticker shock, SG told me that the cost of the tuition not only includes the instruction and education of digital photography but also includes a 12 mp Canon Rebel XTI digital camera with lens, bag, tripod, and flash. It ALSO includes a Macbook Pro with all the software (Photoshop!) needed for the program installed! Drool.

I have to talk to Bob about this. He couldn’t make the appointment with me and since the cost is so high and the commitment so great, we really need to make this decision together. I don’t know how we can do it but I really, really want to. I feel like my dream is so close I can taste it and yet I can’t reach it because of costs and logistics. We could take out student loans but we are already paying so much on my loans already. Still, I just can’t stand that I could be THISCLOSE to doing what I really want and love to do and can’t quite get there.

We talk about me starting my own photography business all the time and I would LOVE that. While I admit to knowing a thing or two about taking pictures and admit that I am passionate about it, the things I don’t know about doing it for a living could fill an ocean or two. I would love to have more confidence about lighting, portfolios, Photoshop and editing software, and business things like contracts, invoices, receipts, taxes, etc. Going to this school would give me these things and I think it would be money well spent. I don’t think I could take a business loan for $60,000 and make my business successful. I DO think I could put $60,000 (probably less) into school and come out with far more knowledge and confidence and really make my business take off. I really do.

In other news not related to me going back to school, Bob received the first proof copy of his book. It looks so very nice. We met at Kinko’s last night and we made minor changes to the layout and saved them. Bob took the updates and uploaded them to the publisher. He is now waiting to hear if those changes have been approved and if so, the publisher will send what we hope is the final proof copy to us for review. If we review it and approve, Bob lets them know and they go ahead and publish the book. It is so close. Bob’s long-standing dream of being a published poet is nearly here. He is so excited he can barely stand it. It’s been a good lesson for him in patience but not one he has enjoyed learning.

If you are interested in following Bob’s dream and reading his book, here is the link to the book’s webpage: http://poetryforthesoul-v1.blogspot.com/2008/07/book-update.html. We update it as we go. If you have any questions about it, leave a comment there and one of us will get back to you.

So, I guess this post is about our dreams and what we are willing to do to make them come true. Are they worth the blood, sweat, tears, time, and cash? Bob thinks so now that one he’s had for nearly 20 years is finally coming true. I am still on the fence about the cost but if someone gave me $40,000 I would immediately apply to that college’s digital photography program so fast it would make your head spin.

Things on my Mind

2008-07-28T14:47:00.001-05:00

Things on my mind today.

Who is Leann Chin trying to fool with their new frozen yogurt line? Red Cherry, really? I am surprised Pink Berry hasn’t cried foul and put a stop to this post haste. Plus, who thinks to combine fast food Chinese and frozen yogurt? Good luck with that.

There is a commercial on TV right now that is advertising some kind of new trail-mix nut assortment. I’ve never heard of this snack or the company selling it before so I assume it’s new. However, they keep calling their product a nut snack and the 11 year old boy in me snickers EVERY time they say this because I cannot hear “nut snack” without really hearing “nut sack”. I know. I’m mature.

Bob found that Amazon.com has a book publishing site at CreateSpace.com where he can get his book of poetry published. They don’t require funds up front but will take a portion of any sales/royalties once it’s complete. Bob’s book is roughly 90 pages of a good mix of his poems from early days to now. We have edited it, created a cover, and we are waiting for a proof copy just to see if what we’ve designed is going to work. Once we OK the proof, they will print it and we can begin selling it. I created a website for the book at Blogspot and we had business cards printed for Bob to hand out as part of promoting it. He is as excited as a little boy at Christmas. Here’s the website link: http://poetryforthesoul-v1.blogspot.com/. We will update it as the publish date draws near.

All this business card creating and ordering made me realize that I have never had business cards printed up. So I went to a site that allows people to put their own photographs on the backs of each card and had some printed. I am calling the name of my photography company Captivated. I was invited to be the main photographer for the 2008 MN MDA Labor Day Telethon. Granted I would photograph the event anyway, but they told me this year that the other guy that shows up every year to take pictures is going to be assigned an area whereas I will be given carte blanche to photograph the event. Also, tomorrow I am meeting with a guy at one of the local community colleges to talk about their digital photography program.

I can’t wait until Wednesday! After work Bob and I are going to his sister’s town and we are going to join her family on their new boat! Yay! So much fun. And while today and tomorrow are hazy, hot, and humid with highs in the 90’s and dew points in the 70’s Wednesday is supposed to the be nicest day of the week! Yippee skippee.

Poetry For the Soul, Volume 1

2008-07-26T22:35:00.001-05:00

My husband wrote a book. It should be out in a couple of weeks.

Here is the Blog we created for the new book: http://poetryforthesoul-v1.blogspot.com/. Keep checking it for updates on when the book will be released.

Thanks!

Reaping crap since 2002

2008-07-25T15:02:00.001-05:00

This morning I had to stop by our bank ATM to make a deposit. I grabbed an envelope and filled it out; put the transaction paperwork in the envelope stuck my card into the machine. The screen, which normally displays instructions on entering a PIN remained blank. I finally noticed that the money distribution area was blinking and the screen said, “Please take your cash”. I pulled the money from the machine and counted out $60.00! I looked all around me to see if there was a car waiting to get the money earlier forgotten and there was no one but me. Sigh. I wanted to keep that $60 in the WORST way.

I finished my own transaction, looked at the auto bank hours and determined I had 20 minutes before they opened. I drove to the nearest coffee drive-through and argued with myself the whole time. Who would know if I kept that money? It’s almost nearly the same as if I had found it blowing around in the street. We could really use an extra $60. It serves the person right, being in such a hurry they forget the cash they stopped at this very machine to get.

Still, I couldn’t keep it. If it had been me and I had accidentally left $60 in the machine, I’d be frantic and angry and would most assuredly NOT get it back. So, after getting my coffee, I drove back to the bank drive-through and asked for a manager. I told my story and asked if there was ANY way to know who left their cash in the machine. The banker said there really was NO way to know but they would take the money, log it, hold on to it and hope the owner of the funds called or stopped by to inquire if anyone turned it in. She took the money and I went on my merry way confident that I had done the right thing and happy that the owner of the lost money could get it back if they just called or stopped by. Yay me!

Later this afternoon I stopped by our building’s convenience store and bought $4.74 worth of stuff. I gave the guy a $10 and he gave me a quarter back and I took my stuff upstairs. As I was putting things away I realized I was owed $5! I called downstairs and told him what had happened. He said to come downstairs. When I got there he showed me that on the receipt he had keyed that I had given him a $5. I said I had given him a $10. He kind of got snippy and said there was really no way to prove what I said but since I was a good customer (for 5 years!) he would give me the benefit of the doubt and give me $5. He did and I walked away feeling like I’d just kicked this guy’s puppy.

You reap what you sow?

Vacation Log: Thursday and Friday

2008-07-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

Thursday and Friday.

I woke up around 9am today. When I looked outside, I saw that the lake was nearly glasslike. That hasn’t happened since we arrived. I’ve wanted to take a kayak out on the lake but the wind, waves, and chop always made me a little leery of doing so. So I got ready to go out on the lake but by the time I was ready, the lake was back to it’s normal choppy, wavy self. Bummer. However, the good news is I finally got a signal from the wifi and was able to upload all the photos from Jennie and Troy’s wedding and reception. That took a good while. In the meantime, Bob got up and asked what we were going to do. I suggested lunch at The Cherry Hut. He agreed and off we went.

The Cherry Hut is in Beulah. It’s a restaurant that seems to cater to tourists but locals like it too. The food is simple comfort foods. For instance, I had the hot turkey sandwich and Bob had the ham salad on pumpernickel. They are famous for their cherry pie so of course I had a piece and it was divine. We bought a few items to bring home and then we had to decide what we wanted to do the rest of the day.

I wanted to visit the local radio shack to see if they had any lens cleaning equipment. They did so I bought it. I spent a good 5 minutes working on cleaning my lens and the inner camera sensor. It seems to be better now so will keep on that.

After the lens cleaning extravaganza, we drove to downtown Beulah which sits on the end of the Lake Crystal. It was a warm but beautiful day. Bob made friends with the locals while I poked around in the local shops. We ate ice cream and drank iceless beverages under the town park gazebo. Bob was feeling poorly so we came back to the cabin so he could lie down. I took a book outside and read in my favorite place, the swing. At one point, I was sitting minding my own business when a giant junebug flew by me and landed right on me. Anyone watching would have cracked up laughing to see me flail and run with arms akimbo and I tried to rid myself of the vial beast. I eventually used a nearby rake to pick it up and set it in the fire pit. Gah!

After a time it got to look a bit like rain so I came in to make dinner. Bob was up and decided he wanted to go to the store up the road. He left while I cooked. Dinner consisted of spaghetti and meatballs and sweet corn and it was good. The only thing about being on vacation and making your own food is that there is really no use for leftovers. I made a bit too much of the dinner so we had to throw the extra away.

After dinner, Bob went out to start a fire and I worked on the photos I’d taken for the past 2 days. It took a couple of hours to sort and edit them all. When I was done, I joined Bob by the fire and roasted a marshmallow or 2. It started raining so we went in. Just as we sat down, it started pouring rain. We noted that this whole trip it has only ever rained or stormed at night while the days have been beautiful and sunny. Now that’s a vacation!

As it rained, we watched the news and Miami Animal Police while we tried to decide what to do the next day. The weathermen said to expect a hot and humid day so I suggested we go to a beach and just chill. Bob said that sounded like something I could do and he would stay home. He’s been really challenged by pain the past couple of days and pushing it doesn’t help. So I said we’d see what the morning brought and we could decide then. Then we went to bed.

Friday Bob was not feeling well at all so he gave me the OK to do some exploring on my own.

When I woke up, it was still very cloudy from the rain we’d gotten overnight. So I did some packing in an effort to be ready for leaving the next day. I also made some breakfast of scrambled eggs and leftover potatoes. It was pretty yummy. After I cleaned up, I got dressed, kissed Bob goodbye and set off on my own adventure.

I first drove back to Glen Arbor. Along the way I stopped several times to take pictures of the amazing scenery. The dunes around Glen Lake are just so amazing that I could take pictures there every day and find new facets of the area. Anyway, I reached Glen Arbor around lunch time and the town was bursting with visitors. It hadn’t been quite so busy when we stopped there earlier in the week, but today it was hard to find a parking space. Once procured, my first stop was an ATM.

Money in hand, I headed straight for Cherry Republic. I was in search of their cherry BBQ sauce. I grabbed that, some cherry tea for my friend at work, more cherry salsa and malted milk balls, and some cherry wine jelly. Once I’d paid for all my treasures, I headed to the Cherry Republic beverage area. I sampled some wines and bought 2. I had intended to get some soda pop as well, but decided I’d purchased enough cherry flavored things.

After CR, I went across the street and bought some chocolate from The Grocer’s Daughter and a couple of prints from the art shop housing the chocolates. The prints feature a cat named Lilly posing at various Benzie County landmarks. Only in the photos, Lilly is a giant cat laying on a rooftop, playing with dune visitors, or checking out a nearby boat. They are cute and I bought 2.

On my way out, I got a wrap for lunch at the Cherry Republic deli and a cherry lemonade (have I ever mentioned that cherry is my all-time favorite flavor/fruit?). I drove back to Frankfort because the sun was coming out and I wanted to lie on a beach and relax. Along the way, I stopped some more for more photos. As I was driving, I caught the silhouettes of a group of 3 deer standing by the road. I would have stopped to try and take their pictures if there hadn’t been cars behind me. Sigh. They were the first deer/wild life I’d seen this entire trip.

Once in Frankfort, I parked and walked to the beach. It was fairly populated but not overly so. I laid out a towel, got out my book, and settled in. It was heavenly. I read on the beach in the sun for over 2 hours. After that, I decided to go back to the cabin to see if Bob wanted to go out for fish for dinner.

Bob was just hanging out by the cabin when I got there. He said he’d taken a nap, seen a bald eagle, and gathered kindling for that evening’s fire. We chatted a bit and then he said he was hungry and did I want to go for fish. I told him that’s why I was there and did he want to leave right then. He did, so we did.

We went back to Frankfort to a place called Dinghy’s. The line was out the door. When I went in to put our names on the list, we were told it would be 45 minutes to an hour. So we went back to the beach and hung out and talked until it was time to go back to the restaurant. The fish was really good. They had a choice of 2 kinds of fish…I can only remember the perch. I liked the perch best but Bob liked the other best. We each only ate about half our first basket and we were done. We should have shared 1 but I don’t know if they even do that at an all-you-can-eat place. The waitress was overly concerned about all the food we’d left behind but we reassured her that it was great, we just weren’t that hungry. She wanted to box it up for us but we said we were leaving town the next day and didn’t really have time or place to store it. She still took our sodas off the bill so we tipped her the difference in addition to the regular tip.

We left the restaurant and went back to the beach. I wanted to take pictures of the sun setting over Lake Michigan. It was still over an hour until sunset so I read while Bob explored. The sunset was beautiful but just before hitting the horizon; it hit a bank of clouds just rolling in. I was bummed that I wouldn’t be getting a photo of the sun sinking into Lake Michigan, but still, I got some good shots.

After we left the beach, we went back to the cabin. Bob began building a fire and I began packing and getting ready for our departure the next morning. After a while I went out to join Bob at the fire and roast my last marshmallows. It was nice but buggy so I went back to the cabin to finish what packing I could do before bed. For some reason, though we were both tired, we could not make ourselves go to bed. We watched the news to catch the weather and it looked like a big storm would be rolling through just about the time we planned on leaving. Great!

Interruption to Vacation Logs

2008-07-16T09:35:00.000-05:00

On Sunday my dad told me that my brother and his wife had spent some time in the ER because my sister-in-law had been having severe abdominal/pelvic pain. He said it could be nothing but it might be cancer. He didn’t have a lot of details and said I should contact my brother or my sister-in-law for more information. My brother had few details but said they were pretty positive because the ER doc said the CT scan showed rounded objects on her ovaries and round is better than jagged. An appointment had been set up with an OB for early in the week and we all waited.

The diagnosis came back as probable ovarian cancer. She has a tennis ball sized tumor on one ovary and a golf ball size tumor on the other as well as something on top of her uterus. She is waiting to hear from a UW specialist as to what’s next though we suspect a full hysterectomy and chemotherapy. Other than that, we have no other information. The waiting is truly the hardest part.

This is shocking news to us all. It is not supposed to happen to someone as young and vibrant and beautiful as my sister-in-law (not that it should happen to anyone at all). I thought maybe she was suffering from fibroids or endometriosis. Both of those could produce the pain she’d been suffering and were fairly easily remedied. It was not supposed to be cancer. She’s only 37 and she has 2 young sons to mother. Her youngest son is 11 and has asked her several times if she is going to die. He is a mama’s boy in the sense that he loves his mommy and thinks she hung the moon. Her eldest is 13 and not very outwardly emotional or demonstrative. He is probably processing this internally since he hasn’t really had much of a reaction to the news yet. My brother is a rock and is doing what he can to encourage everyone else.

Needless to say, our prayer lives have amped up considerably. If you are a praying person, could you please add my sister-in-law and her family to your prayers? We would really appreciate it, thank you.

Vacation Log Days Five and Six

2008-07-10T16:30:00.001-05:00

Tuesday and Wednesday

Today I only slept until 9am. Still, I stayed in bed and finished one of the books I brought. That was awesome. Bob got up and showered and I followed suit. It felt so good to get clean as I hadn’t bathed since Saturday and felt like I was a big creepy crawly.

Today we didn’t have a plan. We decided to go get some wood from the place we bought it on Sunday and then go to the grocery store and then…who knows.

We began the afternoon by stopping at the Trading Post for a piece of pizza. It was big and greasy and so good. After that we got wood. It didn’t go quite as smoothly since there were dozens and dozens of bugs on the woods and I did the girly thing and freaked the hell out. Bob did the guy thing and took over.

After the wood getting, we stopped at the grocery store for more supplies. After that we drove to a nearby town where we decided to stop and see the sites. We saw some giant bluffs next to a canal or channel. We decided to stop for photos. There was a woman there playing with her two dogs. She would throw a toy into the water and one or the both of them would go fetch. She said they’d been on their boat for 2 days and the doggies needed some exercise. NICE!

After that, we followed the canal to Lake Michigan! Here we saw the lake and a giant beach, a lighthouse, a jetty, and other amazing scenery. People were swimming and flying kites and just hanging out. The weather was weird as it would be sunny and bright one minute and then dark and hazy and stormy the next. It was truly a case of, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.”

We spent a lot of time down by the lake and I took a lot of pictures. For some reason I cannot get my camera clean and all my photos are coming out with lines and squiggles on them. NOT FUN!

After hanging by the lake, we decided to tour the town by the lake. It was a cute town called Frankfort and had a lot of cute shops. We didn’t really shop or stop in any of them but we did see one selling Minnetonka Moccasins! I did run into a coffee store for an iced coffee since now the sun was out and it was fairly hot. While the barista was making my drink, I sat down at one of the shop’s computers and did a little web surfing. Bob had been worried about a particular bill and our ability to pay it online. I went to our online banking site and paid the bill electronically and Bob was happy.

After Frankfort, we just took a scenic drive back to our cabin. I have to say that the scenery here is amazing. There are rolling hills and bluffs, lots of trees, and so many lakes. MI could compete with MN for all the lakes we see on any given drive.

When we got back to the cabin, Bob wanted to make dinner. He had it in his head to make dinner. He wanted to make a burger that had been in his brain to make for weeks now. He mixed some mildly spicy sausage with hamburger, crackers, onion, and an egg and divided it, made them into patties and grilled them. I made packets of potatoes and onions to grill as well as corn on the cob. It was all delicious.

After dinner we just hung around outside. Bob wanted to build another fire but it was so windy that we had to wait for the wind to die down. Thankfully, the sky was clear and we got to see an amazing sunset. I took pictures of the setting sun and then we began to see stars pop out.

Once the sun went down, it was time for a fire. Unfortunately, the wood was still damp from the rain the night before. Bob made a valiant effort but mostly we got smoke. He used paper, kindling, sparklers, and finally lighter fluid to get it going. At one point it was good enough to get a few S’mores out of but eventually, I gave up sitting by Bob’s fire and went to sit on the dock and look at the stars. It was a brilliantly clear night and the stars were shining by the millions. It looked like a rhinestone covered velvet cloth. Beautiful.

We went to bed late again and were both so tired that sleep came quickly.

Wednesday dawned bright and sunny but super windy once again. We got up and had some coffee before setting out on a day of exploring.

We traveled a bit south to check our Betsie’s Lighthouse. The lighthouse itself was closed but the view of Lake Michigan was astonishing. Poor Bob couldn’t get his chair down to the beach. We need to invent some kind of snowmobile tracks and ski adaptors for wheelchairs. Still, he was content to sit and stare at the lake from the road while I explored.

People were walking up and down the beach gathering rocks. Most of them were smooth as glass, polished clean around by the surf of Lake Michigan. Other people were swimming although I thought that even with the warm day, it might be too cold to swim in Lake Michigan. However, with the waves pounding the shores and the horizon stretching far beyond any land visible to our eyes, it did resemble an ocean and I wouldn’t fault anyone wanting to take a dip.

After Betsie’s Point, we headed North to the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Park. We got about half way there when we realized we were almost out of gas. We turned around and headed for the nearest gas station; an oasis of sorts selling canoe, kayak, and tubing rides down the river. They sold their gas for $4.25 a gallon but we were glad to pay it because we hadn’t seen any other gas station nearby. Oh, and they also sold the state park passes so it was good we stopped.

Once we were all gassed up, we were on our way again. We turned into the Sleeping Bear Dunes 7-mile scenic drive and oh boy was it scenic. We spent hours here. If I’d have been thinking, I would have packed a picnic lunch to eat like zillions of the other tourists seemed to have done. Still, we enjoyed the beauty of the park.

It was a contrast in scenic spectrums. There were wooded forests of pine and other trees. There were grassy areas. There were the dunes off the coast of Lake Michigan, and there was Lake Michigan itself. I took hundreds of photos (though my dirty lens still plagued me) and we had a blast. Bob was super patient with my hopping out of the van to shoot the flora and fauna and I was just so thrilled with all the views.

After we left the park, we drove to nearby Glen Arbor. We’d heard that it was a quaint town with good places to eat and a cherry store. Both turned out to be true.

Glen Arbor is a town located on Lake Michigan. We ate at a place called Boon Dockes that seemed to do swift business for the locals and the tourists. We shared a mushroom swiss burger and some appetizers. We ate out on the patio under a big umbrella since the weather was awesome but the sun so hot.

After lunch, (which was more like lupper since we hit the restaurant around 3 or so.) we walked about the town. We found the cherry place and bought some gifts for the people watching our cats and some yummy stuff for us. I wasn’t sure the cherry salsa would be good since I don’t like a sweet salsa, but they had samples and it was good enough for me to buy a jar to bring home.

We also toured a chocolate shop and a little local art boutique in which we also bought a little something. The rest of our walk was just us enjoying the views and the people. (I have to say that we have met some of the nicest, friendliest people in the world on this trip. If nothing else, Michigan will remain in our memories for that alone.)

Once we left Glen Arbor, we came back to our cabin and just relaxed. We watched a little TV while we waited for the wind to die down (Either MI is a very windy place or our cabin is just situated on a very windy lake). Later, Bob built a fire and I stayed in writing this down and preserving my photos. Bob said it was very buggy since the wind died down and I didn’t want to fight the bugs so I stayed in, watched the 11:00 news and went to bed. Later, Bob reported that the night had been perfect. The bugs went away and the stars came out by the millions. I’m sorry I missed it.

Vacation Log Days Three and Four

2008-07-10T11:56:00.000-05:00

Sunday and Monday

We arrived without incident at our “resort” location on Sunday night. The ferry ride over was a little choppy and bouncy. Bob insisted on riding on the sun deck at first. Some nice man helped him down to the main cabin after it became apparent that the wind was too high, the water too choppy, and the breeze too cold. We watched a movie, ordered some ferry food and were otherwise entertained during the 3+ hour ride across Lake Michigan. It was an interesting experience.

Once on land, we drove north towards our resort. The highway went from 2 lanes to 1 lane but traffic thinned considerably. We stopped at a grocery store to stock up on food for the week and were surprised to learn that we were now in the Eastern Time zone.

We arrived after 8pm with the sun still bright in the sky. Our hostess, Esther, showed us to our cabin. It is certainly not a premiere, 5 star cabin, but it suits our purposes just fine. There are 2 bedrooms, a bath, kitchen, and great room. There are bugs, but there are also bug swatters and we have plenty of bug spray.

The first thing Bob wanted to do was start a campfire. We sat around the fire and one by one, people joined us. Before long we were sharing our marshmallows with over a dozen others. We heard stories and introduced ourselves and it was nice. The couple that owns this resort is elderly and sweet. Their six boys help out over the summer. Three of their boys live in this area and three live in Grand Rapids where the elderly couple winter.

We went to bed late…after midnight. A storm rolled in about that time and we got to watch the lightning show over the lake. The thunder shook our cabin but we remained warm and dry. Bob said it got a little dicey after I went to bed. He checked on me only to find me fast asleep and oblivious to the noise and light show outside.

Our first full day at the resort…we slept until noon. Seriously. I can’t remember the last time I slept until noon. It was heavenly. Equally as heavenly was the fact that we didn’t do anything much all day. I started reading a book I brought specifically for our vacation. There is an outdoor glider swing near the lake that I made my own as I devoured the book. Bob did his thing and rolled around looking for kindling for the fire he was going to build that night. Unfortunately our idyllic reverie was interrupted by two screechy girls staying in the cabin next door. We guessed them to be about six or seven years old. They started their screeching by shouting “Stop Smoking!!” to Bob and the man in the cabin on the other side of us. When the men did not immediately put out their cigarettes, the girls switched tactics and began yelling things like, “You look like a whale!”. I can only guess that was directed at me. To Bob they yelled, “You’re ugly!” and then they kept saying things like “We’re not going to stop yelling!”. During all of this, their parents were inside; about 20 feet away with windows wide open and no one came out to say anything to them. Nice.

After dealing with the screechy twins for far too long, we decided to take a walk down the road and check things out. About that same time, their parents packed them up and they took off for parts unknown. Thank GOD!

There is a general store not far from where we’re staying so we stopped there to take a look at what was going on there. We walked into another public area that had a view of the lake across the road. We stayed at Big Platte Lake but across the road is Little Platte Lake. To my untrained eye, they both looked pretty big but who am I to say?

When we got home, I read some more while Bob rested. After a while, the sun was full out and people were playing in the lake. I decided to join them. Bob helped me apply the sunscreen and I took a floatie out to the lake with the intention of just soaking up some sun. Just as I got to the perfect floating depth, the wind kicked up and floating in the lake became more paddling in the lake so I came in. I sat on the dock and read some more.

Bob got the fire going while I made some baked beans and pasta salad. We cooked hot dogs over the fire and had a nice camp kind of dinner. After cleaning up, we just sat by the fire chatting. Esther came out and joined us and we had a nice talk getting to know more about her and her husband Bob. He’s in a wheelchair too. Though he’s wheelchair bound due to a stroke, he has some similar health issues as my Bob so we were able to relate medically speaking. He was also a Grand Rapids fireman once upon a time and is familiar with MDA and worked on their Fill the Boot campaign. Esther was very knowledgeable about MD which was refreshing since most people think Bob has MS.

While we talked we could see a fireworks show across the lake. Soon after that we also saw another kind of light show as more lightning made its way towards us. More people came out to the fire and we talked as we watched the storm roll in. We made it inside before it hit hard but it was a nice little storm. Not as long or loud as last night’s storm but a good storm nonetheless.

I stayed up late again working on the pictures I took at the wedding we attended over the weekend and the photos I took since boarding the ferry and arriving at the resort. At one point I had to kill a large spider and a centipede so I decided to give up the picture fixing and go to bed. The first day of our vacation was awesome.

I have to say that our cabin is more rustic than I expected. It seems as though the original vinyl flooring is still there as are all the original cobwebs and dust bunnies. There are more bugs on the inside that I like having inhabiting my personal space. Still, it’s not horrible. I did find out that the lake I’d been swimming in has leeches. Won’t be swimming again any time soon though I might take the rowboat or kayak out.

Vacation Log Days One and Two

2008-07-10T11:55:00.000-05:00

Friday and Saturday

I woke up by 6:30 on Friday morning. I was able to get up, get dressed, and pack the van before Bob awoke. Once the van was packed, I cleaned the kitty’s litter boxes and vacuumed the apartment. The vacuum woke Bob so he showered and got dressed while I watered our flowers and made sure all the things were in place for our cat sitters. Once he was out of the shower, I went to Target, Starbucks, and McDonald’s. When I got back, Bob was ready to go so we went. It was 9am.

While on the road I plugged in my iPod and we sang along to songs from the 70’s and 80’s. It was a lot of fun. We stopped twice. Once in Tomah and once in Madison. In Tomah we met a couple from the Twin Cities on their way to Milwaukee as well. They had a cute little pug named Wilson and Bob talked to the husband for quite a while.

We arrived in Milwaukee by 3 and found our hotel with minimal effort. We checked in and though our room was supposed to be accessible, it was tiny. We were on the 9^th floor of a 10 story building and most of our view consisted of the Hilton across the street.

I showered and changed and we got back in the van and headed for the Milwaukee County Zoo. The Groom’s Dinner/Rehearsal Dinner was at the aquatic center at the zoo. We were a tad bit early so we got to see some of the animals. I took photos of the flamingos, the monkeys, some peacocks, and the nocturnal mammals.

The dinner s nice but the venue was DARK! A lot of my photographs turned out blurry because it was so dark the auto focus didn’t know what to focus on. Still, it was fun and the food was amazing. I met a lot of new people and reacquainted myself with others. By the time we got out, there was a fireworks show going on and it was visible from the zoo parking lot. We sat there for a long time watching the show and I tried to take pictures. I needed a tripod but managed to get 4 shots that weren’t horrible.

It was good to see old friends again and SO good to meet my friend Jennie’s husband to be. He is a wonderful man and I am so happy for her (and them).

When we got back to the hotel, I started editing the photos and Bob went to bed. I was up until about 2am and fell into bed and tried to fall asleep. Usually Bob and I get 2 beds because he has a hard time rolling over and sleeping soundly in anything but a hospital bed. This time we could only get one queen and while he slept fine, I had a really had time. I awoke at 8am and did more photo editing.

We left the hotel after 11 in search of breakfast and sights. We walked down Wisconsin Ave to the Riverwalk. It was then that Bob noticed his wheelchair was not charged. We had to go back to the hotel in order to plug his chair in. This meant he had to walk to the hotel restaurant. He was so upset. His mood was not improved when he found we had missed breakfast. We ordered and ate our lunch and then went back upstairs to get ready for the wedding.

Once dressed, we drove down to the waterfront. Not knowing our way around, we found free handicapped parking and parked. Then a local told us that the place we wanted to be was 6 to 8 blocks away. So we drove to the actual area and paid $10 for a ramp. We found out that we were just feet away from where we had originally parked! D’oh! Still, it was OK because we were in a ramp right under the restaurant where the reception was held.

The wedding was beautiful. It was held in a tent overlooking Lake Michigan. The weather was sunny and beautiful. The only possible issue that might have been was the sounds of Summerfest bands just yards away. Still, it was a wonderful event.

After the wedding ceremony there was a reception. It began with hors de hourves and drinks on the patio. Bob went to check on our van since he read a sign in the elevator that said break-ins were a common occurrence and it freaked him out. Apparently he asked me to wait at the wedding tent. I don’t remember him saying that and went off to the reception site to have me some tidbits and get a drink.

After waiting for Bob to show for over an hour, I went to find him and when I did, I was sorry. He was livid. Even after I apologized, he was still mad. He said some nasty things and I countered with equally nasty things and then burst into tears. He said he was going home and I said fine since then I could have fun. Then I ran off crying.

I cried on a park bench overlooking Lake Michigan for about 45 minutes. I contemplated throwing myself off a local bridge but decided I didn’t want to mar my friend’s wedding day that way. Finally, I decided to just go back to the hotel. On my way to the van I ran into Bob. He apologized and wouldn’t let me leave my friend’s wedding reception. We went back to the reception and found a full house already eating dinner. We could not find a place that accommodated Bob’s chair and I found myself crying again. Sheesh. They provided a nice place for us to eat and we ate. The food was amazing and the company superb.

We stayed for the dancing portion of the reception and Bob found the strength to stand and dance with me holding his arms for 2 songs. It was awesome. We left before the party was over but we’d had a great time.

The rumor was the newly weds were staying at the same hotel as me and Bob. When we got back, I checked at the front desk and found that rumor to be true. So we had champagne and chocolate covered strawberries sent to their room but billed to ours. At the same time, we ordered room service pizza and wine and had an in-room picnic. It was awesome.

I worked on the wedding pics but got sleepy before finishing all the reception shots. I went to bed late again and only slept until 8am. Bob woke up around the same time. We got up, got dressed, packed, and loaded up our van. As we walked out to our van, we saw the newlywed’s car parked right by ours and determined we would leave them a note before we left.

We ate a nice breakfast at the hotel restaurant and then took a nice walk. Before we left the hotel for good, we put a “Just Married” note on the back window and a nice note on the driver’s window of the newlywed’s car. Then we were on our way to the high speed ferry.

Looking back, I remember only crying twice and both were in relation to the admonishment of the newlyweds to start a family. I looked at the girls I knew as single, barely out of college gals and saw them as married women with children and suddenly felt the loss of not having our own kids deeply. I see the kids of my friends as little extensions of them. Little people born to carry on the names and generations of their parents. We don’t have that and I miss it. I want it. I hope the best for my friend and he new husband and pray they don’t struggle as we have. I hope and pray they have a fruitful and blessed life together.

Embarassing but True

2008-07-03T12:50:00.001-05:00

I did NOT want to write this but I can’t leave that last post up. I will not, in fact, be starting a new job downtown on July 21st. Due to a miscommunication about the work-related incident report I have on my record, the job offer was rescinded. They said that had they known about it in the first place, they never would have even considered talking to me about the position. (By the way, I have updated my online Big Bank Co application to reflect the incident so no other potential hiring managers can be surprised by the incident.) I am so humiliated and embarrassed. I feel like a colossal failure and as though there is nothing I can do well, right, or with excellence.

Maybe I am not the corporate America type. I'm sure trying to be. I should have made more of an effort to find a career path right out of high school. I never in a million years thought that the responsibility of being the main breadwinner in my family would fall to me. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, but Bob’s disability has changed all our plans around. The pressure to bring home a better paycheck is unbelievable and I feel I've failed utterly. I'm trying my best and it seems I cannot catch a break.

Interestingly, everyone who’s responded to me thus far in response has suggested leaving Big Bank Co. In thinking about that, I pondered going back to school a final time and getting my degree in digital photography from Brown College. Low and behold, out of the blue, an admissions counselor from Brown called me just now and asked if I’m still interested in their digital photography program. We chatted a bit and I said I’d call him back after we returned from our vacation. This requires an in-depth discussion with Bob.

Anyway, thanks for your prayers and support. I hope you all have a wonderful and amazing 4th of July weekend.

Hmmmmm.

2008-07-01T19:13:00.002-05:00

We leave for vacation in 3 days and I just can't wait. I found out that the resort we're going to only has 3 cabins and each cabin can sleep up to 6 people. So even if the other 2 cabins are completely full, there will only be 12 other people there. I am so looking forward to this vacation. The first part will be fun because seeing my friend Jennie get married and spending time with old friends makes me quiver with joy.

Work has been...interesting. My boss has been on maternity leave and her interim replacement has been in AZ taking care of her ailing mother. So we've been without on-site management for a couple of weeks now. In the meantime, I've been to a half dozen interviews for positions inside Big Bank Co but outside of the department I work for. The interviewing has paid off because I was offered a position today! I am not jumping for joy yet because the last position I was offered a couple of years ago was rescinded and I just don't want to jinx myself just yet. Still, the job is awesome and a huge opportunity and responsibility. I am to start on the 21st. After I start, I will write more about it...maybe.

In the meantime, I am finishing this week, going on vacation next week, finishing one more week at my current job and then starting the next week at my new job...presumably.

Oh, and stalker-type people who might know where we live, we have friends staying with the kitties while we are gone so our apartment will NOT be empty. Plus, as it is, I feel like I'm packing everything we own and taking it with us. Sheesh.

Let's Do it Again.

2008-06-24T11:18:00.000-05:00

My weekend in WI was so much fun. I spent quality time with old friends and yet it just wasn’t long enough. Friday night we checked into our hotel and then made tracks for State Street to find a place to eat. The stores and shops on State Street may change, but State Street remains the same. I love it.

After State Street, we drove back to the hotel to play games. On the way there, we talked of old friends and who’s been in contact with whom. One of my friends said she had not heard from a mutual friend for 3 or 4 years or more but he was still listed in her phone. We urged her to call him just to see what would happen. What happened was that he answered and we all got to talk with him for a little bit and catch up. It was awesome.

When we got to the hotel, we played a couple of games of Nertz and watched old videos of ourselves from 12 or 13 years ago. We also played Madlibs. We started out trying to be creative but by the end, we just gave ourselves completely to fatigue and debauchery and the Madlibs become kind of x-rated. Then we just went to bed.

Saturday was the actual shower for my friend. The shower was at a local Mexican restaurant and was filled with lots of friends and laughter. It was fun and of course I took many pictures.

After the shower, I drove home to my folks’ house. I did my laundry and while the first load was washing, my dad suggested I hang everything out to dry on the clothesline. Then he found a laundry basket and the clothespins for me to use. Thankfully I had dirty sheets in my possession which, once clean, were hung out to dry and now smell like sunshine and summer breezes. Mmmmm.

Mom, Dad, and I walked to a local restaurant for dinner. It was lovely. The walk, the dinner, hanging with my parents, all of it was lovely. The birds were singing songs I’d never heard birds sing before. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, and it was just so nice.

The rest of Saturday night was spent hanging out with my parents and family friends who were also staying at my folks’ house. We talked, laughed, looked at old photos, and just spent some time catching up.

I wish the rest of Saturday night would have been as nice. I just didn’t sleep well and woke up feeling groggy and achy. A shower helped the grogginess but the actual cause of the achiness soon became apparent. And it was 3 days early. Thankfully, my mom had her own supply of Vicodin so I “borrowed” one from her. I broke it in half so I could have some for later, just in case.

Sunday was church, lunch, and then the drive home. I had hoped to make good time and get home early but the monsoon rain and torrential downpours I drove through prevented that. Thankfully, it was only rain I drove through and not severe storms or tornados. I did make it home eventually, picked up some dinner, unpacked, and went to bed wishing it was Friday instead of Sunday night and I could do it all over again.

We got good news yesterday! The foster care social worker called and said she was sending us the next batch of information we need to fill out in order to become foster parents! Whoot! We made it through hoop one and are set to jump through hoops 2-?. Also, my friend who is watching our cats while we are on vacation came over to get instructions and keys. She is so awesome I have no worries at all about leaving them alone with her or her alone with them.

Little Miss Maisey Mae

2008-06-18T11:29:00.001-05:00

Turns out poor little Maisey had a bladder infection after all. I left work at noon to go pick her up from the vet. When I got there, they handed her to me on a leash. I asked where her carrier and cat bed were. They brought both out and the cat bed smelled of pee. They presented the bill and I paid it but I noticed they hadn’t vaccinated her. I had to wait another 10 minutes for the vet to give her the shots. Sheesh. We go to this vet because Bob used to work there as a vet tech and they give us an amazing discount but I was not pleased with the events of the day. Even poor little Maisey smelled of pee. We will have to bathe her and I am not looking forward to that especially after having to help Bob give her the antibiotics. She is NOT a good patient. Right now though she is on antibiotics and we are not changing food. If it happens again we will have to look at changing her food. My question is how do you change the food of 1 out of 4 cats?

Maisey is also not a good “sister”. I brought her home and let her out of the cage. Right away Zoë went to say hi and got a paw on the head for her trouble. Chloe tried to be a better welcome ambassador and touched Maisey’s nose, licked her head, and then tried to rub up against her. She also got a paw across the face for her trouble plus the hiss of doom. Maisey just wants to be left alone. Don’t be making a fuss over her.

Facebook brings people together again. Did I tell you that I “found” the 3 girls I used to nanny for on the East Coast? It’s been fun reconnecting with them and meeting their families. Well, I learned it’s a small world after all because another connection has been made. I just recently reconnected with a friend from my home town after a 10 year absence. She asked me about my last name and said her family had known a man and his wife with that same last name and might we be related. Turns out that her family knew my father-in-law (Bob’s dad) and his wife. She also pointed me to a website that featured Bob’s dad’s story as a testimony of a life turned around. I sent the link to Bob and he emailed the man who posted the link and they are now corresponding. Everyone is connected!

We have to drive to Hastings again tonight to pick up my car. I am going to try a different route in hopes that the first leg of the trip doesn’t take 50 minutes like it did on Monday. Thankfully, my car’s air conditioning works again! Just in time for a road trip on Friday.

Speaking of road trips…is it just me or do other people feel this way too? Before I leave for any kind of trip I make sure the bed sheets are washed and clean and our home is picked up and cleaned as well. Even if the trip is only 2 or 3 days. There is nothing like coming home to a clean home and fresh sheets on the bed. The only problem is I about kill myself before leaving for the trip trying to get everything done.

Whew!

2008-06-17T11:24:00.001-05:00

This past weekend was a blur. It was amazing and fun but it went by so very fast.

Friday I got off an hour early, went home, picked up Bob and our cat Maisey and hit the road. We dropped Maisey at the vet and then it was Hinckley or bust. I drove and by sticking to the main roads (stop and go traffic mean nothing to me!) we got to our hotel by 5. We checked in, dropped off our stuff and went to get some dinner. After dinner Bob took the shuttle to the casino to play slots. I stayed in the hotel room and enjoyed a pay-per-view movie. Ah the decadence.

At 8 I took the shuttle to the outdoor amphitheater to meet Bob. He was right there waiting for me with tickets in hand. I got stopped at the gate by security. They wanted to look at my camera and lenses. OK, here’s where I come clean. I knew that unless we were in the front row I could not use my regular 35mm lens. While I was back at the hotel I put my giant zoom lens on my camera and snuggled it into my camera bag. I put caps on my smaller lens and just stuck it in the bag as well. Well, for some reason, the security chick didn’t notice the giant zoom lens attached to my camera. She only noticed the free floating 35mm lens. After looking it over and determining that it was the proper size for this particular venue, she motioned me forward lenses and all! Score!

We ended up sitting near the front of the stage but to the right. The zoom would need to be used. But there was tight security including MN state troopers stationed EVERYWHERE. On guy sitting to the right of us asked how I got the camera in. I told him my story. He and the guy in front of me said if I took photos they would stand guard and block the giant lens if only I would email copies of the photos to them. DEAL!

Styx opened which surprised me. I thought this was their show. They were awesome and played a great show. I’ve had Too Much Time on My Hands in my head ever since. (Also, Come Sail Away.) Tommy Shaw does NOT look like a man in his 50’s. I got some great photos. It was interesting being outside for this concert because the lighting was so different from the start of the show to the end. All the photos from the beginning of the Styx show have the golden hue of the setting sun.

The Boston show was OK. Their new lead singer needs to learn stage presence and get his rock star persona on. Granted he was a former Home Depot worker picked from the masses on YouTube but DUDE! You’re the lead singer of a rock band now. Dress the part. He could sing though. And bang the heck out of a tambourine.

During the second part of the concert the crowd, having drunk the concession stands out of all their beer, got a little wild and rowdy. There was a verbally abusive woman berating the man in front of us and two twenty-tweeners acting uppity with me and Bob. We ended up leaving at 11 during Boston’s musical interlude. Seriously, from the time we left our seats until we got onto the shuttle (maybe 10 minutes?) not one lyric had been sung.

We got back to the hotel around 11:30 and basically just went to bed.

Saturday morning we got up, checked out, had breakfast and drove home. Once there we realized what a beautiful day it was outside so we did some outdoor stuff. I cleaned both patios, watered and weeded the flower pots, washed the grill and deck chairs (it’s amazing how much yellow pollen build up) and then went inside to upload my concert photos. As darkness fell, a storm blew in. We almost lost power so I shut everything off and we went to bed to watch the storm.

Sunday I got up and ran errands. I got home and started in on a project I’ve been putting off. Bob’s sister is having a yard sale in July and asked for stuff to sell. I went through all our closets, cabinets, and cupboards and filled nearly 10 small boxes full of stuff. Then I moved the stuff I wanted to keep around so now everything has a place and we no longer have a bunch of clutter laying around. I also did laundry and cleaned the apartment. I started this project at noon and didn’t stop until after 8. A glass of wine made me sleepy so it was off to bed.

Monday was a weird day. I was the only person in the office from my department and there was no manager in the office at all. I got a lot of work done without any co-worker interaction/distraction. At lunch I ran a bunch of errands that need to be done before I go to WI this weekend. After work I had to drive to Hastings to meet Bob. He had driven down earlier in the day to have our brother-in-law give the van an oil change and check up. I was driving my car down to leave for 2 days. It took me 50 minutes to drive less than 10 miles and 30 minutes to drive more than 20. All in all, it took me more than an hour and a half to get there. Still, I will pick up my car on Wednesday and it will be road ready for my trip to WI on Friday.

2008-06-12T15:10:00.001-05:00

Well our foster care application has been filled out, signed, and sent off. Now we embark into the unknown and it’s kind of scary and yet we are both very excited.

Someone asked if we learned about any issues kids may come with and we did. We learned that the majority of kids come into foster care due to their parents’ drug problems. Therefore these kids have most likely not been parented at all. They usually have not been disciplined, don’t have a schedule, can do whatever they want, don’t have set meal times or good nutrition, haven’t been taught manners or basic daily hygiene, haven’t had to follow any real family rules or do chores, and may have had serious traumatic events happen to them. Nonetheless, all children, no matter what has happened to them want to be with their family and come to foster homes wounded and scared. So, we will have our work cut out for us, no doubt. We are talking about family rules now and how we will implement them. We are talking about supporting each other and presenting a united front so the kids cannot divide and conquer. We just want our home to be a safe place where kids can hang out and heal while their parents get their stuff together.

I happened across an opening at a local school while surfing the net the other day. I applied for it and hope to hear back for an interview soon. The school is only about 3 blocks from our house and the position is administrative in nature and pays more than I make now. I hope I get it. It starts July 21^st and that would be a great time to start a new job, I think.

I paid $4.09/gallon to fill my tank on Monday. Now gas is back down to $3.97/gallon. It cost me $50 when in the past (when gas was under $2.00) I could fill my tank for $20. I miss those days. Bob’s van costs nearly $70 to fill these days. Our little road trip vacation might end up being kind of pricey in the end especially if gas prices rise to $5 by July 4^th as the rumors go.

Bob is taking our peeing cat to the vet first thing next week. I don’t think it’s a health issue. She’s always been iffy in her urination. She peed on our bed quite a bit even when she was the only cat. She likes things “just so” and if they aren’t to her liking, she pees her anger out. Still, they will probably treat her for a bladder infection and she will get her shots updated. The other cats will go in succession as well since they all need updating on their shots as well.

Work is so frustrating right now. Today a banker called me all worked up and frustrated because I sent her form back with a note saying she used the wrong form. She had a long story about how she didn’t know what product the customer had and couldn’t find anyone to help her and when she finally did, they didn’t know what form she needed. When she finally found someone to send her the form it took forever to get the customer in to sign and now I’m telling her it’s the wrong form…wah! I told her I would call the company and see if they would accept the other company’s form. I called and found out that they would not accept it. So I sent her and her service manager a long email of apology and explanation. I attached the correct form to the email and CC’d my manager. I was really proud of the customer service skills I used in helping calm this banker down and help the customer to as little additional impact as possible. Not 30 seconds after I sent my email, my manager emailed me back and chided me for admitting fault and said we should never do so in writing. Later, the banker called to thank me for my help and for the nice email and said she was sorry for jumping down my throat earlier. Well, at least someone knows how to say thank you and good job.

Foster Care 101

2008-06-11T10:45:00.000-05:00

Bob and I attended the county foster care info meeting last night. There were about a dozen other people there including one clueless guy who seemed to think foster care would be a good way to make an extra buck. He asked amazingly weird and oftentimes inappropriate questions. It was quite distracting yet the social worker leading the meeting was quite professional and composed and addressed his questions as if he had just asked the most intelligent and pressing thing ever. We were impressed with her patience.

We did end up learning a lot about the process, the issues, the legalities, the pros, the cons, and how to get started. We learned that the whole process takes anywhere from 4 to 8 months. This includes background checks, fingerprinting, reference checks, classes, licensing, and more paperwork than you can shake a stick at. There is an adoption option available and if you sign up for that, there is an extra class to take. We found out that 50% of the kids in need of foster care are between the ages of 0-5. We also learned that the biggest need is for placement is for sibling groups of 3 or more. Other stuff we learned: About 1 in 5 placements is available for adoption. There is minimal reimbursement for items of daily living so you should NOT do this for the money because there isn’t really much money to be had.

After the meeting we were given the application packet and sent on our way. When we got into the car Bob said he is really excited about this and thinks we are called to do this. I was kind of surprised by this since he had seemed interested but only minimally so. We talked about how Bob is going to be the primary care parent and will have to establish the daily routine, at least the noon meal, and run the kids to all their appointments and visitations. He said he was up for it and was actually looking forward to having a direction and reason for living.

So our next step is to fill out the application and accompanying paperwork and send it in. Once the county receives it they will review the forms and conduct background screenings. If we pass those, they will send us fact sheets and fingerprint cards. Then the county will conduct criminal and social services checks. If we pass those, our home will undergo a safety inspection. If we pass that, we will attend 7 3 hour training/licensing classes. Once all that is complete, the county will make a determination regarding licensing us as foster parents. If we are approved, we get our license and are good to go! Whew.

Facebook Rocks My World

2008-06-10T15:02:00.001-05:00

It’s t-minus 4 hours and counting until our first foster care meeting. Interestingly, Bob seems to be as excited as I am about this. I hope it ends up being something we can do and something we are accepted into.

Today when I was using the public restroom at my workplace I was sitting there and all of a sudden I heard a lot of grunting. It seems someone was having issues with expelling their waste. There was so much noise coming from that stall, I ended up finishing as fast as I could myself and got out of there. I don’t need to hear that…especially if it’s someone I know!

I’ve been having really random things happening to me on Facebook recently. First, I found one of the three girls I nannied for in 1990 and sent her a friend request. Not only did she accept and begin messaging me, her 2 sisters did too! As we caught up with each other I became so proud of the young women these girls became. It hardly seems possible that it’s been 18 years since I was last with them. They are all moms themselves now.

Second, one of my old friends from my hometown messaged me asking if my husband was related to a couple her parents used to know. She was very specific in detailing this couple but before she even finished her message I knew that the couple she referred to was related to Bob. They were his father and step-mother! Small world, huh? I messaged her back and had to tell her that Bob’s dad died a year ago at Christmas. Still…you never know who knows who you know, you know?

We might have to find a new home for one of our cats. The first cat we got as a couple and have had the longest has been peeing in places NOT approved or set up for cat urine containment. I have cleaned the places with Anti-icky-poo and make sure all 4 litter boxes are clean every day. I’m not sure what more we can do. If she keeps it up, she will have to go and that will break my heart. She is our feistiest, smartest, and bravest cat.

Whirlwind

2008-06-09T14:26:00.000-05:00

Where did the weekend go? Seriously, it was a whirlwind that never stopped.

Friday after work I drove to a local hospital with the intention of visiting a co-worker and his wife and their new baby girl. However, when I got there, he was being briefed by a nurse on his little girl’s health. Seems she was sent to the NICU because she stopped breathing and turned blue. They think her little lungs just didn’t quite develop and she still possibly had fluid in them. As of today, we found out that she will remain in the NICU for 1 to 2 weeks while her lungs get better.

After leaving the hospital I stopped at a local Thai restaurant to place a take out order. They said they were backed up and it would take as long as an hour to get the food. I said no problem and shuffled off to the nearby Target. We got our insurance check from the fire and I needed to replace some stuff. I got a new TV for Bob’s office. The little 13 inch we had in there worked before the fire but not after. The firemen said smoke has abrasive properties and it’s possible it made our TV go kablooey. Target had 20 inch TVs for $125 so I got one for Bob. We also had to replace the key hook/bulletin board by our front door. I found a small shelf with cork board at the bottom and found a separate key hook thing. I hung them both when I got home and our front door area looks like home again. I was looking for a French memo/photo board as well since we had to get rid of the one we had hanging there but all I could find was one plastered with Hannah Montana.

After Target, I picked up our food and went home. After we ate, I commenced to setting up and hanging the new stuff. It feels nice to have things back in place. Now we just need to go through some of our other stuff and see what we can get rid of. I know there are things we are holding on to that are just gathering dust for no good reason.

Saturday I got up early to run errands and do laundry. I stopped at the bank and then went to Lowe’s where I purchased a garage locker/organizer thing and padlock. I’ve seen these things for years selling for $100. I got this one for $60. I had to put it together but it wasn’t that hard. Now we have a place to store all our camping and fishing gear. Bob wasn’t sure about the purchase until he saw it put together and in use. Now he says it was a great idea.

After Lowe’s I went to Petco to get cat food and replace the cat beds we had to get rid of after the fire. There was a dog adoption going on and I am glad we don’t have a house/yard because one or more of those pups would have ended up going home with me. They had a sweet little German shepherd pup in her gangly stage that I fell in love with. They also had a white husky mix with blue eyes that was beautiful. Also, there was a guy there with his Burmese Mountain Dog and I just about ran him off with my excited interest in her. They are my favorite breed of dog.

After Petco I did laundry. While at the Laundromat I realized I did not have my bank card. I used it at Petco but when I called over there, no one had turned it in. I ran to the bank nearby and cancelled it right away. Good thing there are branches of my bank nearly everywhere.

After laundry I went home and put everything away. I didn’t have a long time to linger as I had to shower and change and head over to a friend’s house for a surprise birthday party. The party was a hit and the birthday girl was surprised. I ended up staying there for quite some time.

On Sunday I did next to nothing. It was awesome. Still, the day ran away from me and I ended up going to bed far too late. Bob said my alarm went off at midnight and he got up to turn it off and couldn’t get back to sleep. Poor guy. I never even heard it. He said he even turned on the lights. I never saw them either. I woke up this morning feeling like I could sleep another hundred years.

Tomorrow night we are going to our first foster care info meeting. It should be interesting. I wonder what will become of it and us.

This and That

2008-06-05T20:41:00.002-05:00

We are having severe weather this evening. I drove to the Target minute clinic after work in a downpour of dime size hail. At first I thought I ran over something but didn't see anything in the road. Then I realized it was hailing on me. It didn't last long. Soon enough it was raining cats and dogs. I ran into Target but by the time I reached the door, I was soaked. The doctor at the minute clinic suggested using saline nasal spray and Sudafed until Monday. If I still feel stuffy and full of fluid after that, I need to make an appointment with my regular Dr to see if something else can be done.

I bought a NOAA weather radio today. We are supposed to be getting strong storms overnight and I thought this would be the best way to keep track of any tornadic activity or severe weather. We sleep with a fan on and might not hear the sirens if there were to go off.

Why have 2 different people asked me if purchases I've made in the past month are for my grandchildren? I am only 40! Grandchildren? Really?

Speaking of children, Bob and I are going to attend an informational meeting on Tuesday for foster parenting in our county. It should be interesting. If we go ahead with it, we will make our dining area Bob's office and turn our 2nd bedroom back into a bedroom for the foster kid(s). Bob would be the primary parent and it might be something that ends up giving him some direction and sense of purpose. Who knows. I guess we will decide after the meeting.

I am excited about our upcoming vacation. We are leaving July 4th and driving to Milwaukee to attend the wedding of one of my dearest friends. After that, we are driving to MI to spend time at a cabin on a lake. It is near the Sleeping Bear Dunes and I can't wait to explore and traipse about that area. Only a month to go.

Bob received free tickets to see Boston and Styx at the Hinckley casino next weekend. We wanted to go and when we tried to buy the tickets we were told it was sold out. Today he received the notice that he could get free tickets based on his membership level. He called right away and we are in! Score!

Sicko

2008-05-28T16:08:00.002-05:00

I started getting sick Sunday afternoon. I knew what it was the minute I felt it coming on. People have been coming to work sick for a week and now I have it. My head hurts. My joints hurt. There is a muscle in my lower back that just aches and aches. I haven't been able to breathe out of my left nostril for 3 days. I stayed home from work yesterday and came home at noon today. I am about to go to bed after I type this and it's only 4. Blech.

We got a letter from the insurance company telling us to go to one of the furniture companies listed in order to find a replacement sofa and loveseat. I stopped at a local place right after work today. They knew right away how to fill out the forms and what to look for. I found a beautiful Flexsteel sofa and complimentary chair. The furniture people filled out the forms and faxed them in. We should know within a couple of days if our quote was accepted. If so, we will get new furniture! Yay!

I went through all the things returned to us from the garment place. I ended up making piles. The largest pile was the "keep" pile. We also created the "consign" pile, the "Goodwill" pile, and the "rummage sale" pile. Now all our closets are cleaned out and organized except for 1 and that's Bob's job.

When I took the consign pile to the consignment store I found out I had a $15 credit. I got 2 new faux Kate Spade purses and some baby clothes to give as a gift to a co-worker going on paternity leave this week.

Oh! Speaking of that. There were 5 of us that talked about and decided to go in on a gift for our co-worker. He and his wife are struggling financially just like the rest of us and they didn't yet have a carseat. The wife is having a C-section tomorrow and co-worker's last day before leave was yesterday. We agreed to pool our money and get them the carseat. However, our boss caught wind of the plan and emailed me. She said she heard we were going in on something and she would like to join us. Not only that but she planned on getting a gift card with our pool of money. Who does that? Who butts in to a group gift and then demands we give them a certain thing? I ended up emailing her and telling her it wasn't an office thing but a lunch bunch thing since the 5 of us go to lunch once a week or so and that we had decided to get a carseat. She emailed back to say we should open it to the whole office and the carseat is fine. Oh, thank you! It worked out in the end and our co-worker was touched beyond words. I wasn't there to see him since I was sick but everyone said he was really choked up by the gift. Awesome!

Today I got an email from my boss saying that I had to watch my unexcused absences because in the past 2 months I'd been sick for 2 days and had taken 2 days to deal with the aftermath of the fire. I emailed her back to say I knew that the sick days were considered unexcused but that the fire wasn't something I could control and why would those days count against me. She said that any unexcused days were days not planned for ahead of time. I agree but who can plan a fire? One of my co-workers said that it just goes to show that our boss does not have a great deal of empathy. I guess I have to agree. I am just counting the days until she goes on maternity leave. Only 7 more days.

Memorial Weekend

2008-05-25T21:54:00.002-05:00

Things have been OK. Work is still...the same. My boss is frustrating. My co-workers rock for the most part. My job is just OK. I put in an application with my dream company in Madison, WI. The competition is fierce and the odds of getting a job there pretty nil, but you never know.

We got our clothes back from the garment restoration place. I have yet to go through everything and put it away. It seems an overwhelming task. Bob and I are going to go through it all together and make piles to keep, give away, and consign. There is just so much. Who knew we had so much stuff?

We spent most of yesterday at the MN Landscape Arboretum. It was beautiful. Everything was in bloom and it was just magical. We brought a picnic and had lunch and then spent hours just wandering around enjoying the blooming beauty.

Our patio garden is planted and booming. I planted geraniums, snap dragons, and petunias. I also planted morning glories for Bob. So far all is growing and doing well although 2 snap dragons snapped off in the straight line winds we had today.

Today we did a whole lot of nothing. We did go to Target to get things we needed. $100 later, we drove home in the middle of an amazing storm. At one point we thought we would be taken in a forming tornado. As we were driving home, we could see the clouds above us rotating. The winds were high and fierce and all the cars on the road slowed to a crawl. It was scary. We found out later that a tornado touched down in Coon Rapids and Hugo. The devastation in Hugo is immense. Homes destroyed, lives lost, people hurt and unaccounted for. It's so sad and just so unbelievable.

I realized tonight that I moved here 10 years ago Memorial weekend. It was really May 31st 1998 but it was Memorial weekend. There was a severe storm that weekend too. I spent my first night in an interior room in the basement. Hail damage was prolific throughout the metro. It was scary then too. Weird that the weather was much the same 10 years previous.

Tomorrow I hope to get some laundry done, run a couple of errands, grill a nice dinner, and maybe get a start on going through our clothes. I just know that I am so thankful for the extra day off.

I Want My Clothes Back

2008-05-14T15:30:00.001-05:00

We still don’t have our clothes back from the clothing cleaner/restoration place. I called them today and they said to call on Monday to schedule a time to have everything delivered. I can’t wait. Just think about your home and every piece of fabric there. Every curtain, towel, blanket, sheet, shoe, handbag, leather, throw, hotpad, tablecloth, doily, and piece of clothing you own has been taken from you EXCEPT your 7-day emergency supply (which wasn’t as plentiful as it should have been). Tomorrow marks three weeks since the fire and Monday will be 3 weeks and 3 days without our stuff. I can’t wait to get our stuff back.

I called State Farm as well to check on our claim. Looks like they will reimburse us for a new couch and love seat. That is good news indeed. They questioned why I bought new pillows and towels until I reminded them that we will have gone almost 3 ½ weeks without and needed something to get us through. We will be reimbursed for that as well. Yay.

Today is my Thursday. I am off on Friday because we will be driving to IA for my cousin’s wedding. I can’t wait. I need a day off and this weekend should be fun. The only difficult thing is that there are about 17 different events occurring on Saturday, May 17^th here in the Twin Cities and I can’t be here to participate. Sigh. Still, the weekend should be fun and filled with family plus a road trip.

They finally cleaned the vent outside our apartment yesterday. It still smells faintly of fire, but it could be the walls and carpet now since those have yet to be cleaned. I guess the plan is for new paint and carpet in the coming weeks and months. It’s taking longer than we would like but some of it is because of our building management’s insurance. So, we will wait and see.

Why is May Always so Hard?

2008-05-10T19:51:00.002-05:00

Someone asked me in my comments if I'm OK. The east answer is no. I'm not OK. I mean I am fine physically. I'm alive and I walk and talk and eat and sleep. But I'm not OK. I want to die. I want to cease living. I want to not hurt so much anymore. I want to be a better person for Bob and for myself and it seems I cannot get better.

I almost just closed this blog rather than post anymore. I didn't want to write about what's been going on. It's hard to put into words what I am feeling and it's hard to write it without it sounding like a whining teenager mooning about life at 15. Still, writing helps me. It helps me sort things out. It helps me gain perspective. It helps me to feel better. So here I am writing about the suck that is life right now. I hope it helps me feel better because I'm about full up with pain and depression right now and could use some good news.

So the fire happened a little over 2 weeks ago. We lived in a hotel for 1 whole week. We had to buy a bunch of stuff because never having gone through something like this, we gave almost everything to the clothing restoration people and didn't think about needing towels, hot pads, washclothes, work shoes, underwear, socks, and a shower curtain. I did submit it all on our insurance claim and we will be reimbursed but it took a huge chunk of our already tight budget to do it.

We found out on the Monday after the fire that the building vents were getting cleaned. The fire happened on a Thursday. Why weren't the vents all cleaned on Friday? Who knows. Instead, smoky, sooty air circulated throughout our building for 4 days before the vents were cleaned. Not only that but the vent directly outside our apartment has not been cleaned at all. We mentioned it every day once we returned from the hotel to the apartment. We heard apologies and excuses and nothing was done. Whenever we would leave the apartment we could smell the smoky air smoldering just outside our place. It even crept into our apartment. We just had it cleaned and now it was smelling because of the vent. This week I was talking to our insurance claim rep and I mentioned the vent. She asked questions and ended up calling out apartment manager. The apartment manager showed up at our door a couple of hours later with the fire marshal in tow. Bob said they looked around and left. The next day the vent cover was replaced but it's clear the vent has still not been cleaned. There is still a strong smoky odor coming from the vent and it still smells in our hallway and subsequently our apartment entryway. Gah.

Tomorrow is mothers day and I am having a dreadful time of it. Bob casually asked if I wanted to go to church and I about bit his head off saying, "NO!" He asked why and I reminded him of the day. He apologized and left the room. Poor guy. I'm really having a hard time with the not conceiving/being a mother thing and don't know quite what to do about it right now.

In addition to my feelings of failure and inadequacy about not being a mother things at work have taken a terrible turn making me feel even more failurific and despondent. The first full day back at the office after we moved from the hotel back into our apartment, my boss called me into her office and out of the blue issued me a formal written warning for poor job performance. I was embarrassed and devastated. I still am. This makes job hunting within the company harder because I now have to disclose this to whomever chooses to interview me. I can spin it that where I am isn't a good fit and my skill set is better suited to the job I'm interviewing for but it's so competitive out there. If a manager has a choice between 25 candidates without job performance issues and me, who do you think they will choose?

The written warning has also negatively affected my motivation and work ethic. I cry every morning upon waking. I get home, make dinner, clean up, and go to bed. I loathe my job and my place at the office. I heard back from one of the jobs I interviewed for and they hired someone with 4 years of property and casualty experience. I have not heard back from the other job I interviewed for even though last week was supposed to be the deadline for hearing back. I even emailed the manager a light note asking if he found someone to fill his position yet. I didn't hear back. I can only imagine that he spoke to my manager and she mentioned the written warning to him.

All of this makes me wonder what in the hell I'm doing with my life. How have I messed things up so badly? I make barely enough to keep up afloat and it seems moving up is not in the cards right now. I can't quit because our healthcare comes from this job. I wish to God they would just fire me so at least I can collect unemployment. My life is a drudgery. A toiling, horrible dead end and I see no way to change it right now without putting Bob's health in jeopardy. How did I get here? I had such good hopes, dreams, and intentions. I wanted things to be better for us and instead I just end up making things worse.

So no. I'm not OK. I'm stuck. I want to change. I want things to be different, better, greater but I am afraid to move because of all the bad stuff that's happened lately. And yet I also think that I can't change because of me. That I mess up everything. I make things worse. I can't do anything right. Despite my best efforts at work, I've been written up for poor performance. Despite applying and interviewing for jobs left and right, I've not been hired out of the department I'm in now. Despite graduating from college I'm no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life or how to find a job in the Communications field. (Actually, what I want to do with my life is what I've always wanted to do. That's never changed but our circumstances have and I can't be a stay at home mom to a passel of kiddos.) Despite medical intervention and our best efforts, we've been unable to conceive. It may be the age of my eggs. It may be Bob's swimmers. Yet somehow I can't help but feel like a complete failure in my inability to conceive and bear a child. That may be my biggest hurt in all of this after all. No matter what, if everything else were fine and dandy, I cannot conceive and bear a child. I'm not OK and I don't know how to get better.

Good and Bad

2008-04-28T19:41:00.005-05:00

Good: Service Master spent much of the day cleaning our apartment today. Bob said they cleaned our marbles one by one!

Bad: We have to stay in the hotel until at least Thursday.

Good: I had an interview today. The man interviewing me told me that he received 295 applications for this one position and thatI was one of only 9 people chosen to actually interview for the position.

Bad: My cell phone was stolen when I ran into Walgreens for 1 minute.

Good: Our apartment management is having the rest of the apartment building cleaned.

Bad: We still don't know if/when our walls, ceiling, floor will be cleaned.

Good: Bob is sleeping at the hospital tonight due to a previously scheduled sleep study.

Bad: Bob has to endure a sleep study tonight.

Good: Bob sent me flowers at work to cheer me up after having a really bad week.

Bad: They arrived Thursday afternoon when I wasn't at work. I got them this morning and the tulips had already lost their petals.

Good: I got a lot done at work today.

Bad: My boss still thinks I'm a chump.

Good: I was one of 9 people interviewed for a position 295 people applied for.

Tired

2008-04-27T21:15:00.002-05:00

Can I just say that I am sick of living in a hotel? It's not all bad. We can go back and forth from our apartment and get stuff or drop stuff off, but it's not the same.

Today I realized that all our towels, washclothes, and hotpads are with the restoration cleaners and won't be back for nearly 3 weeks. That means if we are back in our apartment before then we won't have those items. So I went to Big Lots and got 2 sets of 2 bath towels, 2 hand towels, 2 sets of 12 washclothes, 2 hotpads, and 2 sets of kitchen towels. Hopefully insurance will reimburse us. I got everything for cheap. I also got 4 new pillows because I refuse to sleep on the pillows that have smoky carcinogens all over them.

Bob and I went home today to get some stuff and we noticed that it still smelled very bad. I can't believe the apartment management/ownership won't clean the whole building, but all the evidence points to only having the 2nd floor cleaned. We are going to call our insurance company, tell them about Bob's pulmonary and breathing problems, and hope they will work on our behalf to get the rest of the building cleaned. In the meantime, I posted more photos to my Facebook and Flickr accounts. Check them out.

Tomorrow is work. The cleaners are coming at 8:30. Bob is going to meet them at the apartment. I have an interview after work and Bob has a sleep study at 7. I am glad that they are working on figuring out his breathing issues but going back to the apartment scares me until the whole building is clean because of his bathing issues.

Day After Fire

2008-04-25T16:12:00.002-05:00

Me, Bob, and all 4 cats moved into a hotel last night. It wasn't great but it was better than staying in our smokified apartment. Who knows what horrible things we were breathing in after the fire had been put out?

I have to say that State Farm Insurance really rocks my world. I called my agent and got the name and number of the company they work with to clean up after such things. I called that number and a guy was at our place within a half an hour. He spit some numbers out at us that frankly shocked us. We told him we would confer with our insurance company and get back to him. There were many calls back and forth and finally our insurance company said we were covered and OK to go. Nearly right away a woman brought a giant Heppa filter thing to our apartment to clean the air. Soon after that, a woman from a relocation company said she was calling because State Farm had called her and she had a cat friendly, handicapped accessible hotel room available for us. It would be direct billed and all we had to do was sign a form and check in. I packed us all up and we checked in. The hotel was all ready for us. Turns out many of our neighbors are also here.

We didn't have a great night. We weren't breathing blackened, smoke filled air, but the cats were freaked out and kept crying. One of them in particular would just howl and howl which would get the other cats all worked up. Eventually, I locked the howler monkey in the bathroom and everyone else settled down. Bob slept badly due to not being in his own bed and having many aches and pains. I slept badly because he slept badly.

This morning we got up and headed over to the apartment. We were met there by the clothing restoration guys and the cleaner guy. The clothing restoration guys took 2 piles of emergency clothes and bedding which will be returned to us tomorrow. Then they bagged every item considered clothing, shoes, belts, purses, bags, linens, etc and took it for cleaning. All that stuff will be returned to us in three weeks. It will be freshly cleaned and pressed and ready to put away or use.

The cleaner guy took measurements and notes and wrote up an estimate for our insurance company. They will be back on Monday to professionally clean every item in our apartment. They will clean the cabinets, walls, floors, windows, blinds, and ceilings as well. It's a sad way to get a thorough spring cleaning.

We will probably be in the hotel through Tuesday at least but maybe as long as next Friday.

I have to say that the air in our apartment was 100 times better today than it was when we left yesterday. That Heppa filter thing is the bomb. The air in the apartment complex is still acrid with smoke. It stings my eyes, nose, and throat. There were work crews everywhere cleaning, painting, hauling, etc. If any neighbors were around, they were just there to get stuff and clear out or, like us, meet with people to help get things cleaned up. Maybe not so surprisingly, we've met more of our neighbors in the past 2 days than in the nearly 6 years we've lived there.

We're Fine

2008-04-24T12:02:00.000-05:00

I don’t have a lot of time to get this down but I wanted to post something here before I forgot the details.

At approximately 9:30 this morning, Bob called me at work and asked if I could get home right away. I said I could but wondered why. He said the apartment building was on fire and he couldn’t find the cats. I said goodbye, hung up, yelled at my co-workers that I was leaving, and took off. I could smell the smoke before I even saw our building. When I got there, the police had already blocked off the street and the firemen were there en mass. I was allowed to enter the street but not our parking lot. I got out and found Bob right away. He still didn’t have the cats but he did have my camera. Good man. I took lots of pictures. I will post them when I get a chance.

Thankfully, our apartment was not near the one on fire. Also thankfully, everyone got out safe and sound with no injuries or loss of life. However, the smoke and fire damage is significant. We don’t yet know if they will let us stay there tonight or not. The Red Cross will be showing up soon to hand out some information. I called our insurance agent to give them a heads up. I smell like a campfire. I’m just so glad everyone is safe and that Bob is OK. There were news crews filming the firemen at work and the building damage. No one knows yet what started the fire.

I am at work right now but will be leaving soon to go back to the apartment for the Red Cross briefing.

Hoax Still Upsetting

2008-04-18T05:55:00.001-05:00

Apparently it was a hoax. Wow. Just, wow.

Statement by Helaine S. Klasky — Yale University, Spokesperson

New Haven, Conn. — April 17, 2008

Ms. Shvarts is engaged in performance art. Her art project includes visual representations, a press release and other narrative materials. She stated to three senior Yale University officials today, including two deans, that she did not impregnate herself and that she did not induce any miscarriages. The entire project is an art piece, a creative fiction designed to draw attention to the ambiguity surrounding form and function of a woman’s body.

She is an artist and has the right to express herself through performance art.

Had these acts been real, they would have violated basic ethical standards and raised serious mental and physical health concerns.

A Bad Day

2008-04-17T18:56:00.005-05:00

Today was by far the hardest day at work. Even though the number of our deposits fell dramatically, the headaches were amped way up. Today there were 5 accounts of having paperwork but no money. There were 3 accounts of customers changing their mind and asking for money back. There were 3 accounts of having money but no accompanying paperwork. There was a stack of paperwork on my desk that approached 2 feet high. It was not a fun day.

Bob called the daughter of the man he helped the other day. Turns out the hospital is discharging Mike tomorrow. Bob said his daughter is not sure what to do now but he thinks she may have been saying that because she has a plan but doesn't want Gal to get wind of it. Speaking of Gal, she's back. Turns out they can't legally kick her out of Mike's apartment because even though the lease isn't in her name, she does get her mail there. The apartment management is aware of all the went down and if they don't get rent at the first of the month, then they have legal recourse to evict. That kind of sucks. Bob told Mike's daughter to at least cut off the cable, electric, and phone which she is going to do. Bob is NOT happy about the possibility that Mike might end up right back at the place where all the trouble started. However, you can be sure we will both be more vigilant about keeping an eye on Mike if that happens.

I heard a story today that has stayed with me and it breaks my heart. Perhaps you've heard of it? This has just broken my heart. Not only is it crazy and indulgent and the height of selfishness, it is evil and disgusting. Also, this young woman is just flaunting her fertility. It is tantamount to heaping a plate full of food, sitting at a table of starving children, eating 3 bites and throwing it in the trash. I hate thinking this, but I can't help it. I hope that when this young woman finds that certain, special someone that she wants to settle down with and when they decide it's the right time to start a family, I hope she's infertile. Not because she chose abortion but because she purposely got pregnant in order to abort and rub all of America's faces in her decision. She sacrificed viable pregnancies for "art". Worse, she created viable pregnancies specifically for sacrifice. How does one live with that?

Post Tax Day

2008-04-16T15:27:00.000-05:00

So today ended up being worse than yesterday work-wise. Issues, interruptions, problems, etc pushed me passed my lunch hour and into insanity. Craziness.

Bob called today and added to my craziness. He had received a call from a doctor. This is a doctor he hasn’t met or heard from yet but apparently this doctor is the one interpreting his sleep study results. The doctor said he is very concerned/worried and usually doesn’t call patients himself but in Bob’s case he wanted to talk to him personally. Turns out that Bob doesn’t have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is characterized by short bursts of non-breathing. What Bob has is called recessed breathing episodes. He will stop breathing during sleep for long periods of time. Then he will wake up and begin breathing again. The doctor said he had so many episodes during the night that it made him fearful for Bob. The doctor said that near as he can figure, his muscular dystrophy is affecting Bob’s pulmonary muscles. During the day Bob can and is conscious of his breathing and can regulate it through concentrating on his breathing. However, at night, he can’t regulate it on his own and his muscles are not working involuntarily. The doctor said he wants to schedule another sleep study right away and this time use a Bi-pap machine to regulate Bob’s breathing. He said this would also explain the low blood gases and fluid retention that has plagued Bob for some time. He said that the Bi-pap should help. We sure hope so.

I still have my cold. Today it turned from sniffles, itchy nose to full blown stuffy head/ears, cough, and runny nose. Blah. I am supposed to attend a class at the community center called “Introduction to Voice Over Work”. I called to see if I could get a refund or attend the next class. The gal I spoke with said they could not refund me because their policy is 5 working days notice for cancellation. I told her I didn’t have the cold 5 working days ago and didn’t want to go and get everyone sick. She said it was either that or I miss class and eat the $60. Plus, she said that most people have been exposed to colds already and it’s not that big of a deal. Great. Does she want to go and explain to the class why I’m there coughing, hacking, and sneezing? I hope they have individual microphone covers otherwise I’m in big trouble.

Tax Day

2008-04-15T18:51:00.003-05:00

Well I survived tax day. I was getting more and more transactions to process up to today however, yesterday's 60+ transactions gave way to todays 112! I will still have quite a few tomorrow but today was the big day. As a reward, we finally hit 70 degrees outside! I know that's not my personal reward, but it sure felt like it. Since I worked through lunch yesterday and today, my boss is letting me go at 2 on Friday! THAT'S my reward, I guess. Still, I was able to sit outside on our patio for an hour, enjoying the warmth of the sun and it sure felt rewarding to me.

Of course the cold I've been fighting for about a week picks last night and today to become full blown. I hate spring/summer colds.
We did have a bit of excitement here yesterday. I'm not sure how much I can tell but here's some back story: We live in an apartment building. Down the hall from us lived a man named Mike who suffered from MS. He could not do anything for himself so he had a live in couple taking care of him. I will just call them Guy and Gal.

Bob knew Guy from the old days in "the hood" and befriended Mike. Bob would go watch football games at Mike's apartment during the winter. Once football season was over, Bob would go watch game shows with him. He felt so bad for Mike because his disability robbed him of his freedom and abilities. Bob spent as much time with Mike as he could because he liked his company and he felt sometimes that Guy and Gal weren't taking as good of care of Mike as they could.

Last week Guy broke up with Gal and left her alone at Mike's. So began her downward spiral. She kept coming to our apartment asking to use our phone. Then she began to ask us to drive her around to see if she could find Guy. (He took their only car.) We said no and told her we didn't want to get in the middle of their thing.

Well Guy came back last night to pick up his stuff. Gal went crazy and began yanking parts off their car in order to try and keep him here. She hid the parts around the landscaping of the apartment grounds. She kept following him and we could hear him screaming at her outside. This went on for hours and while they were fighting, no one was taking care of Mike. Bob went down to see how Mike was doing and he asked him to call his daughter. Bob did. The daughter called the police (as did some people in our building). The police came and it turns out Gal had an outstanding warrant for failure to appear. The police hauled her off to jail, Guy finally got his car put back together and started, and Bob stayed with Mike, doing what he could for him.

I went to bed around 10 but at 2am our phone rang. I thought it was Bob calling from Mike's for help. When I answered I heard a recorded message saying someone from our county jail was placing a collect call and if I accepted the charges I should press 1. I hung up. The phone rang 3 more times until finally, at 2:30, it stopped ringing. Bob was hella mad. He couldn't believe Gal was calling US to come bail her out. Turns out she hadn't really been caring for Mike at all once Guy left her. She did the bare minimum to keep him somewhat healthy but not nearly what he needed to be comfortable.

Today Mike's daughter came to get him and some of his stuff. Bob helped her load Mike into our van and he followed her to a local hospital where Mike will stay until a space opens up at a local nursing home. Bob is sad it's come to this for Mike, but I think it's the best thing for him. He will get the best kind of care and will have more opportunities for socialization and mobility. We also learned that Gal got bailed out and may be coming back here. She thinks she still has a job and a place to live but she is wrong on both counts.

I am just glad that I am married to a man with the level of compassion, wisdom, bravery, and loyalty Bob carries with him every day. He sees a complete human being in everyone no matter their physical abilities. He's amazing and my life would not be complete without him.

Coke Addict

2008-04-09T15:05:00.001-05:00

I made it 2 ½ days without a soda of any kind. I caved today at 1:45 and bought a fountain coke from our cafeteria. The second I sipped, I stopped being tired, crabby, and annoyed. Ah Coca-Cola how I hate the love I have for your brown bubbly goodness. I am starting over tomorrow though. Bob and I had a deal. He would give up smoking and I would give up soda and we would help each other. He caved early Monday morning and I didn’t cave until this afternoon. Addiction is so fricking hard to break off.

Yesterday I came to work to find an email from my boss saying that a woman would be coming around later in the day to take our photos for ID badges. Um, some kind of warning would have been nice. I don’t usually wear makeup to work and I was wearing brown. I don’t want my ID badge to forever show me in brown. Gah. Plus my hair was wonky and I have zits on my chin. It’s going to be the best ID badge EVAH! Oh, and then the gal taking the pictures says she told our boss a week ago that she was coming. Nice.

I managed to get nearly half the photos I took over the weekend cleaned up and posted to Flickr and Facebook. I will work on the rest tonight…if I don’t keel over first. I don’t know why I’m so tired. I went to bed early last night and when my alarm went off this morning I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t feel like I’d slept at all. Then, when I got to work, one of the first people to see me said, “Oh, you look so tired today.” Good thing I’m not getting my photo taken for the ID badge today I guess.

Still Kinda Sucking

2008-04-08T14:52:00.000-05:00

Yeeps it’s been a while since I wrote anything. Mostly it’s because it is tax season and things at work are crazy busy. When I get home I’m exhausted and mostly just eat and go to bed an hour later if I can which is usually still before 8pm. I love the nightlife. I love to boogie.

Anywhoodle. Since writing last week’s scintillating entry about the suckitude of life, life has…sucked less but continued to suck nonetheless. The one bright shining moment when life was pretty much suck free was this past weekend when I drove to Hometownland to visit family and attend the wedding of some good friends. There were some moments of suck but nothing like Hoovering going on during the week.

The drive home is never one to really look forward to. However, this drive was beautiful. I saw eagles soaring in the bright, warm, pre-Spring sky. I listened to a fascinating mystery book on CD. I stopped whenever the mood struck me instead of my usual method of driving which seems to consist of trying to beat everyone “there”. Still, I made such good time that I entered Hometownland earlier than expected. I decided to treat myself to a manicure at Hometownland’s cheap manicure place. This would have been a great idea if I’d just learn to keep my hands to myself. While walking from the manicurist’s table to the hand dryer, I managed to mess a tiny ridge on one nail. The technician took one look at it and announced, “You messed it! It was perfect and you messed it. Now I fix.” I spent a good 20 minutes extra there due to my clumsiness.

The time with my family was short but sweet. My mom joked that she was going to kidnap me and hold me hostage because she misses me. I laughed but at the time (and still today) that actually sounded like Heaven. I am struggling with feeling so overwhelmed with all that’s on my shoulders that I wish I could go back and be her little girl again and let her take care of me. Although to be honest, I’m sure that would last about 8.2 seconds before I would buck the system and leave again to do things on my own. I’ve got a bad case of the “I do its”.

The wedding was wonderful. It was the perfect reflection of both the bride and groom, both of whom I know. I still struggle when I see young people in love recite their vows. I want so much for them to only experience the “For better” and “For richer” portions and yet I know from experience that the “For worse” and “For poorer” are there for a reason. I want them never to have to struggle with the temptation to leave. I want them never to struggle with the thought, “What have I gotten myself into?” I want them never to have to look down the marital road and see pain and suffering. Still, I guess that’s why we use those traditional vows; so much said with such earnest innocence.

On Sunday, I couldn’t sleep past 7…again. So I got myself up and checked myself out of the hotel. I drove to the capital building of the city I was visiting and took a bunch of photos. Then I drove to the University in the same city and took more pictures. Then I drove to Target to get coffee and some stuff. (Only in WI will you see a guy hefting a case of Miller Genuine Draft out of a Target store at 9am on a Sunday morning.) After Target I visited another store and then it was time to meet my family for lunch and a little birthday celebration for my youngest nephew. Then, all too soon, it was time for me to drive home and back to reality.

When I got home, I stopped for take out for dinner. I got home, unloaded and dished up the food. Once we ate, I cleaned up and began cutting up the cheese I bought while visiting our nation’s Dairyland. While cutting the cheese (Ha!) a friend of mine called. While talking with her, I managed to finish cutting the cheese (Ha again!) and bag it up, unpack, and upload the photos from my camera to m y computer. When we were done talking, I was done, done, done and it was off to bed. Bob was glad to have me back and truthfully, I was glad to be home even it means living in the land of suckitude right now.

Life Sucks

2008-03-31T15:44:00.001-05:00

I didn’t get the job. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is wrong with me. The manager that interviewed me told me that she gave an offer to someone else and it was accepted. Then she said that I would make a fine addition to their team so as they grow she will keep me in mind. That is small consolation right now. I have been in this department for almost 5 years. I have been to countless interviews in other departments and interviewed for other jobs. I have not been offered another position (except the one they offered me 2 years ago that they rescinded shadily.) I am the last original person left in my department from when I first started. Everyone else has found jobs in other, better departments. What is the deal? Why can I not get hired out of here?

In other news, it is snowing here. We are in the midst of a mini blizzard and are expected to get a possible 10 inches before it’s over tomorrow. Thankfully, it is supposed to get near 60 this weekend.

Bob’s appointment on Friday was OK. He performed fine during the pulmonary function tests. However, his pulmonologist wants him to be on oxygen 24/7. Bob rejected that. He does not want to be tied to tubes right now. He feels that if he has to use oxygen all the time, he will become reliant on it and he is not ready for that. The pulmonologist was OK with Bob saying he would use the oxygen tanks he has at home when he feels winded and he will work on deep breathing several times throughout the day. Also, he is going to be scheduled for another sleep study because the doctor really thinks a bi-pap while he sleeps will help. Bob is OK with looking into that. We still don’t have any answers from the cardiologist yet but his pulmonologist said he would look into it and see what happened there.

On Friday I hadn’t yet seen a robin for myself but we could hear them singing at night before the sun went down. On my way home from work I accidentally hit one as it flew across the road. It literally seemed to fly into the grill of my car. What a way to welcome spring.

Minutae

2008-03-27T20:15:00.003-05:00

Still no word about the job. I hate waiting. I told Bob that if I get the job, the waiting will be worth it but if I don't...well, it wasn't so much worth it.

Bob has his pulmonary function tests tomorrow and is meeting with his pulmonologist. I won't be joining him on this trip since this is our busiest time of year at work. Hopefully, these will be the very last of his tests. He meets with his regular, primary care physician in 2 weeks to go over everything once and for all and that should be it. He is ready to be done with all the doctoring.

Bob and I thought that we might take the high speed ferry across Lake Michigan this summer when we go to Michigan on vacation. However, I just looked up the fares and I had to laugh. Yes, it's a pain in the butt to drive around the giant lake, but we will be doing that instead of paying $260 for a one way trip across the lake. The gas, as expensive as it is, will be cheaper than that!

Next weekend is a fast trip back to the hometown for a wedding. It should be loads of fun and I can't wait. We have 3 weddings this spring/summer and all the showers in between. I really like weddings and the people getting married are among my favorite people ever.

I am actually kind of looking forward to the Resolve support group meeting. I'm just bummed that I have to wait a whole month to attend. The woman I talked to last night was so nice. She ended up not having any children herself but said their group's rate of ending up with a baby is 97%! Most people end up using adoption or medical intervention, but that's a great ratio, huh? I am just looking forward to meeting people in the same boat. People who understand. People who can relate to my increasing fear and trepidation of the rapidly approaching Mother's Day.

We heard a robin singing tonight! Spring in around the corner.

Resolve

2008-03-26T18:53:00.002-05:00

I got the results of all my labs in the mail yesterday. My iron, vitamin D, glucose, thyroid, and other levels are fine. My cholesterol is slightly elevated. My pap came back irregular so they did a DNA test to see if I had HPV, cervical cancer, or some other issue but that came back negative. My doctor said that she's not worried about the abnormal pap but that I should keep annual appointments just to be sure. Ooookaaaay.

Well, I finally picked up the phone and called a Resolve member. Resolve in an infertility...well, everything. They offer support groups, information and speaking services, lobbiests, marches, etc. The local Resolve website also listed a faith-based group in my area. I called one of the numbers listed and spoke to a very nice woman named Marianne. We spoke for about a half an hour and when I hung up, I felt infinitely better. Their next meeting isn't until the end of next month but Marianne said I could call her any time if I needed to talk or had any questions. Like me, she's in her 40's and never had children of her own. Her first marriage ended in divorce and she's since remarried and is a step-mother. I really can't wait to meet her.

I still haven't heard about the job I interviewed for over a week ago. It's driving me crazy but there is nothing I can do until they tell me I have the job or I don't. Oh, but I hope I have it.

Happy Easter

2008-03-23T15:28:00.009-05:00

This is how Easter weekend began in Minnesota:This is the tree outside our apartment. I think it looks like blossoms, except it's actually snow.Friday night I met my girlfriends for dinner at Olive Garden. It was my friend Beth's birthday. We get together for every birthday. Not always at OG, but since it's central to all, we met there for the second time in 3 months. A good time was had by all.Saturday was spent in the usual way. At least the morning was. I did laundry and ran errands. Errands consisted of a stop at Sam's and then grocery shopping. The weather was pretty much the same as it was Friday.Once I got home from laundry and errands, I put everything away and had every intention of cleaning. However, it seemed that the TV had other ideas. There was a good movie on all afternoon into the evening and I ended up wasting time on the couch enjoying each and every flick.

Today we were going to go to church but since we don't yet have a home church and Bob wasn't feeling well, we stayed home. I did manage to get my cleaning done this morning though. Later, we went to brunch. I had a $50 gift certificate for a nice place in Excelsior so we went there.

Brunch was lovely. We had eggs, yummy hash browns, french toast, wild rice, home made mac and cheese, prime rib, turkey, salmon, walleye, mashed potatoes, fresh fruit, and every dessert imaginable. The strawberries were out of this world.The dessert was equally fabulous. There were petite fores (is that spelled right? Somehow I think not.) There were bars. There were pastries. It was dessert heaven.
We ended up stuffed to the gills. I tried to take a photo of Bob but for some reason, he wasn't having it. Here is what I ended up with:And this:I think he's still not feeling very well. Poor baby.

Happy Easter to all!

No Test Results Yet

2008-03-21T13:32:00.001-05:00

Bob’s test went OK. We still don’t have the results though. We got to the hospital at 2 for a 2:30 appointment. We sat around and waited and finally around 3:10 they took us back to the prep room. At about 3:45, they took Bob in to do the procedure. At 4:30, they came and got me and said Bob’s doctor was in clinic but wanted to talk to us so we needed to wait for him. So we waited. And we waited. Finally, around 5:20, a nurse came back and was surprised to see us still waiting. She paged the doctor. At 5:45 she came back and said he was still in clinic and would probably be another ½ hour to an hour. Bob had had it by this time and I didn’t blame him. We’d been there for 4 hours and he hadn’t eaten all day. So we left. We thought the doc might call with the results today but I talked to Bob earlier and so far, no call. He meets with his pulmonologist a week from today so we should know more then…we hope.

Patience of a Patient

2008-03-20T15:42:00.003-05:00

Bob is a bad patient. Of course I don't blame him after all the doctors he's seen and all the poking and prodding that's been done to him.

He has really resisted the test he's taking today. I got off work at noon, came home, had lunch, and the whole time he groused and griped about having to have this test. It got worse when we got to the hospital. We had to wait for a long time. He was mad about that. Then we found out that we were waiting because they had had several emergency heart patients to care for. Bob felt bad about griping after that. Still, for a 2:30 appointment, they didn't take him back to the procedure room until 3:45.

I am typing this from the hospital waiting room. I wish I could have gone into the procedure room with him so I could hold his hand or something.

They told him that they will be sticking a catheter down his artery into his heart. They are also going to be doing a bubble test of some kind. Once they get the results of these tests, his doctor should be able to prescribe a medicine to help even out the pressure between his lungs and heart.

It is my hope that after this, his sleep study on Monday, and the appointment with his pulmonologist next week Bob will be done with all the tests and will be on his way to better health and a good, sound treatment.

New Specs

2008-03-19T19:10:00.004-05:00

Here's a photo of the new glasses. They are pinker than they appear in this picture. Also, why is my nose so huge? Is this a result of the new specs? If so, I'm not a fan. Also, ignore the hair. It wasn't a good hair day today.

You know who is having a good hair day? My husband. And I gave him this spiffy new haircut.

A good day for once

2008-03-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

Good things that happened today:

1.) The eye doctor’s office called and my glasses are in!

2.) I was interviewed for a position that pays more and is in the department I covet.

Over lunch I went to get my glasses. I’m not sure how I feel about them. I know I need a brow wax for sure but new glasses always put me off for a few days. I can see better but I’m still getting used to the configuration of the progressive lenses and I feel kind of loopy. Plus, when I get new glasses, I’m sort of flying blind as it were since I have to try them on without eyesight aid so I’m not sure if these are the right frames for me.

The interview went well. It was only about 20 minutes long since I somewhat know the person that interviewed me. I guess I have about as good a shot as any for the job but who knows. It would be a great move and the pay is better so I’m hoping I get it.

Bob’s pulmonary pressure test is tomorrow afternoon. He is reluctantly going. He has another sleep study scheduled for Monday night. He said if they do these tests and still don’t find anything except more excuses for more and more invasive tests, he is done with it all. I don’t blame him. Still, I stand by my thought that they have to rule out things before they can diagnose anything.

Fog in my Brain

2008-03-18T15:02:00.001-05:00

I am completely whipped out today. And anxiety breathing has returned. I don’t know what my problem is but I feel half awake and yet my heart is racing/pounding and my breathing won’t “catch”. When I got up this morning I didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t want to make breakfast. I didn’t want to shower. I did both under much self flogging. I got to work and didn’t want to work. I pushed through and just feel like going home and crawling under the covers and going to bed. That just may be what I will do.

Bob’s pulmonary pressure test is scheduled for Thursday afternoon. It turns out they don’t have to put him out but will numb the area of the neck where they stick the catheter in the artery. Bob is NOT looking forward to this and is fighting it. He is tired of being poked and prodded and looked over only to be told they only have an idea of what might be wrong. Still, I think they need to rule out what it isn’t before they diagnose what it is.

My new glasses still have not arrived although my new Easter/wedding season dress has. However, as per the dress, I desperately need to find some Spanx for my upper gut. And maybe some self tanner. And a pretty pink necklace. And maybe a pretty pink handbag. Thankfully I have a credit at the local consignment store that features pretty pink necklaces and handbags. I’m on my own as far as the Spanx are concerned though. Any suggestions where to find them? Any suggestions as to a cheaper though not flimsier alternative?

Houses of Worship

2008-03-16T18:42:00.012-05:00

I went to church today. I didn't go to the fancy church this Sunday. Instead, I went to a church not far from us that features "Hip Hop Sunday". The third Sunday of the month is deemed Hip Hop Sunday and that was today. I have to say the service was awesome. During the worship portion of the service they sang songs in an R&B and hip hop fashion. During the singing, there were break dancers dancing and a graffiti artist painting a backdrop. They also had both a woman and a man separately share their own raps with us. Finally, under the pretense of honoring a hard working children's ministry volunteer, a young man proposed to his love. It was an awesome service. I felt instantly at home.

The differences between this church and Fancy Church are night and day. Fancy church has its own fancy church building while HH church meets in the auditorium of a neighborhood school. Fancy church has a slickly produced service while HH church has a well-organized but more noticeably laid back service. The ushers and greeters at Fancy church wear suits, ties, and dresses. The ushers and greeters at HH church wore t-shirts and jeans.

There are some similarities between the two churches thought. Hip Hop church and Fancy church both have large, diverse congregations. They both have people in the parking lot directing traffic and parking. They both feature small groups during the week to foster friendship and family. Also, interestingly, both pastors are speaking on the blessing of God. However, Fancy church pastor seems to be equating blessing with physical, tangible things while Hip Hop church pastor is associating it with the gift you can't see and then the relationship between God and man. Still, both are houses of worship doing their best to minister to their congregations and the world. I still feel more comfortable at HH church though.

I will leave you with photos of the service today.

Hip hop worship team in motion

Worship leader up close

The worship team on stage

Hip hop dancer in worshipDancer and graffiti artistDancer and worship leaderSharing a personal readingThe biblical MCPastor Efrem Smith

More doctor news.

2008-03-14T13:48:00.000-05:00

Bob was actually home before 9am this morning. I guess the sleep study went OK. He said the room and bed were comfy but he was cold most of the night. He said he told them he was cold twice and they supposedly adjusted the thermostat both times but he was still cold and didn’t sleep very well because of that. They also had to stick his artery a couple of times to take his blood gas levels which he says was NOT fun. However, they must have gotten all the information they needed because they sent him home much earlier than we expected.

We haven’t heard back from the scheduler on when they want him to come in for the heart/catheter thing. I am hoping it is sooner than later but Bob does NOT want it scheduled for Monday because the Irish in him wants to celebrate sure and begorah.

TMI Alert! TMI Alert! TMI Alert! TMI Alert! TMI Alert! TMI Alert! TMI Alert!

My doctor called and said that I do have a yeast infection. This was a surprise to me because I do not have the typical symptoms. She said it is not unusual to be asymptomatic. Then she told me that eating yogurt with live/active cultures often helps. I said I’d been eating yogurt (remember my trip to Sam’s?) and she said that is probably why I’m asymptomatic. She called in a prescription for me so that’s one more stop at Walgreen’s this week. That makes RX # 4 for me since Tuesday.

I called my eye doctor’s office to get an ETA on my new glasses. The receptionist called the lab and they said their lens machine id broken and they are waiting on a part that was supposed to be in today but didn’t show up. They said that they should have the glasses to her by Wednesday next week if possible. Great. Can’t they contract with another lab to get their order fulfilled more speedily? You would think so. So I must contend with a low-grade persistent headache for another 5 days before I will know for sure if it’s eyesight related.

Doctors, doctors everywhere

2008-03-13T20:26:00.004-05:00

As I type this Bob is at the hospital preparing for his sleep study. He did not want to go, but I made him. It really is for his own good and I think it will help in the long run. He called me when he got there and said that though he was nervous, he thought it was going to be OK because the room was very much like a hotel room. They even have a sleep number bed! I hope he does OK because sleeping isn't something that normally goes well for him even on the best of nights.

Bob met with a cardiologist this morning who took 8 vials of blood and is going to schedule him for some test involving threading a catheter through his heart. Yeah, that one kind of threw us for a loop. They are going to call us to schedule. They really wanted to do it today but I wasn't able to accompany Bob and he needs someone to take him home since they will be sedating him. It's our busy time at work and things have been frustrating but my boss was really understanding and said "Family first." So at least that's good.

I had my own doctor's appointment on Tuesday. The nurse that met with me prior asked, "So, are you looking forward to a pap smear today?" Um...no, not looking forward to it, but planning on it, yes. I actually felt really looked after at this appointment. The doctor took a long time with me. After the nurse left, the doctor asked me a bunch of questions. Two of which brought tears to my eyes. I cried. I cried when the doctor asked me questions. I cried when she asked me how the infertility treatments were going. I cried when she asked me if I've been struggling again with depression. I am a dork. But I got a new prescription for Celexa out of the deal, so that's good.

The doctor was starting my exam and asked if I'd ever noticed discharge. I told her only during ovulation and menstruation and as soon as the words left my mouth, she said she noticed some discharge and wanted to get it looked at in case it was from an infection. Oh. Great. She also said the benign cyst on my labia wall is bigger than it was last time and did I want it removed? Um, not today thanks. She said if it begins to hurt, itch, or otherwise bother me I can just come in to get it removed.

After all the fun stuff, I had to go to the lab to give up some blood. They are checking everything...thyroid, iron levels, vitamin D levels, cholesterol, blood glucose, etc. I haven't had a call so I'm assuming things are fine and I'll just get a nice little letter in the mail. I just need to schedule my mammogram and then I'll be in tip top shape.

In job searching news I emailed the hiring manager for one of the jobs I applied for and was told that he was actually hiring a temp to hire person for the post but due to hiring regulations, he had to post the position on our work job board. Turns out this is why I am never asked for interviews because this is a very common practice.

Work is Frustrating

2008-03-10T10:47:00.000-05:00

Can I just say how frustrated I am right now? All last week I was covering for a co-worker. Then on Friday, I had to cover for 2 co-workers. Then today, I am again covering for 2 co-workers. This, besides my own job which is hectic and busy because I deal with IRAs and it is high IRA/Tax season right now. In addition to all of this, my boss is one who is not afraid to delegate. SO much so that when you bring her an issue, instead of handling it like my former managers would, she just tells me to figure it out and handle it. EXCEPT that last Friday I never received something I should have received from one of our insurance companies. This morning I came to work to find my email in-box full of emails from her asking where this thing was and why it wasn’t escalated to her. Sure. Because when I try and escalate things to her, she just puts them back on me. Nice. I think part of it is she still doesn’t know how to do parts of her job since she came in blind. I think part of it is that she just doesn’t want to do parts of her job and it’s easier to just put it on us. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The weekend was OK. Friday was payday and the check is already gone. That part of the weekend was sucky. I did manage to find a place for us to vacation this summer though. Did I tell you that we had to cancel the cruise? With all of Bob’s health issues and the question about his heart/pulmonary/breathing problems made us nervous about traveling so far for so long. However, we didn’t want to give up on a vacation altogether. I have a friend getting married in Milwaukee in July. By chance I have the week after her wedding off so Bob and I decided to make her wedding part of our vacation. We will leave here the Friday before the wedding and stay in Milwaukee. On Sunday, after the wedding, we will be boarding the high-speed fairy that crosses Lake Michigan and then we will drive to a small resort on a lake not far from the Sleeping Bear Dunes. I found the place by Googling “Handicapped Accessible Resorts on Lake Michigan”. I called the number and left a message. Not long after a sweet little old lady named Esther called me back. She was SO cute! Her husband’s name is Bob and he too is in a wheelchair. I told her our Bob’s could terrorize the neighborhood the week we visit. Anyway, while talking with her, I found that their resort is not on Lake Michigan but is not far from there. They have high speed wireless internet! They have fire pits for an evening bonfire. They have rowboats, canoes, and kayaks. They will be receiving our deposit in the next couple of weeks and we will be eagerly looking forward to our trip in July.

Friday night Bob and I met my dad and Grandma at Perkins for dinner. (My dad was visiting for the weekend to help his mom with some stuff.) While sitting eating, we heard a tremendous crash and looked out the window to see a car careening near building. My dad ran out to see what happened and it appeared that a little old man had possibly hit the gas rather than the brake and his car drove over a boulder, through the bushes and sidewalk, and came down onto the road but didn’t stop. However, I am sure he didn’t get far because due to driving over a boulder he had at least one flat tire and was leaking antifreeze. The manager got his plate and the cops stopped by later for info. This certainly made for an interesting dinner.

Saturday was errand running extraordinaire. It started with a stop at the bank. After that was the Laundromat. Once I’d stuffed the washers full it was on to the pharmacy. Then back to the Laundromat to move the clothes to the dryers. Then it was off to Sam’s Club to pick up kitty litter and some veggies. While there, I picked up a 12-pack of yogurt and was stopped by a woman conducting surveys. I answered her questions and received a $15 gift card for my trouble. I picked up a treat for Bob because I now had an extra $15 to spend. After Sam’s it was back to the Laundromat to fold everything. Then it was off to Petsmart for cat food, Aldi for people food, and finally a car wash for Bob’s van because it looked white instead of the red it is. Once home I put away the laundry and groceries and then cleaned. Around 5, I put dinner in the oven and by 7, I was finally able to just sit on the couch and read. Whew!

Sunday began interestingly. Bob and I were supposed to meet my dad for church. However, Bob woke up sick to his stomach so it was just me. I called dad to arrange the meeting place. He said he would see me in 5 minutes. I laughed and said it would be more like an hour since it was only 9:30. Dad laughed and said we must have forgotten to set our clocks ahead. D’oh! He was right. Thankfully I was dressed and able to just go right then.

Church was interesting. I’m still not sure it’s the church for us. People weren’t dressed quite as fancy as the last time we went. I think they were dressed so well because of the guest speaker because this week I saw many more people dressed in jeans and sweaters. The service was still highly slick and well produced. The pastor preached and his sermon was OK but…some things he said didn’t sit well with me. I’m not sure if it’s because of him and what he said or because of me and what I believe. Bob said we should visit at least 2 more times to get a good feel for this place and I agree. I know they do a lot of good in the community but I’m still not sure it’s the place for us.

The rest of Sunday was spent trying to catch up to the time change. I felt like the day just got away from me and I didn’t really enjoy myself at all. I hate the time change. I got to bed too late, slept crappy, and woke up feeling like I need more sleep. Also, I’ve been battling a headache for the past 4 days and am feeling a tad run down. I just wish something would change so I could feel more up and light and hopeful. Right now I don’t see that happening.

Worth It?

2008-03-07T14:33:00.001-06:00

I suppose I should get a more upbeat entry posted…not that this will be that entry, but at least it will get the depress-fest off the top of the page.

Things are OK. I am still struggling. I see Bob as he struggles day to day to get up, stand up, walk some, etc and I know it falls to me to take care of us. I am trying. I had my review this week and I got my “raise”. I put it in quote marks because my “raise” is 2 ½ cents an hour. I know I should be grateful for that because some people don’t get ANY raise. But it’s almost an insult. I’m one of 2 senior members of my team. I trained my manager, in part, for her job. I finished my degree. I should be making twice what I’m making right now. Except no one is interviewing me. I am applying for jobs left and right and I’m not even getting calls for interviews. We have even had to put Florida on hold for 2 reasons; 1.) Bob’s health concerns and 2.) No one is taking my applications and inquiries seriously. I get calls and emails reminding me that the jobs are in Florida. I reply that I am aware of the location and the reason for my interest. I get another reply asking for me to call/write/contact AFTER our relocation.

In regards to Bob’s health, he is scheduled for a 24 hour sleep study next week. He will go in at 7pm one day and come home by 6pm the next. He is NOT happy about that. He is also going to see a specialist in regards to the problem they THINK he has. Finally, he has some pulmonary function tests at the end of the month. After ALL that, we should know more where we stand and what we are facing and how to treat it. We hope. Counting his MD doctor, he now has 6 doctors working on his case right now. Thankfully he just goes to one clinic at the UofM and all his records are on the computer. That makes all of this a lot easier because we don’t have to do a lot of he said/she said record transfer stuff. Still, it’s a pain in the butt for Bob but will be done soon.

In regards to my job. I am seriously thinking about going back to school to get a certificate/degree in digital photography. I was looking for jobs online and there are some (and we are willing to move). And while I have a photographer’s eye and some know-how and mostly luck, I do not have experience with studio lighting or the more technical aspects of Photoshop. I should also have some experience with medium and large format cameras. I have not yet brought this up to Bob because I already have a heck of a lot of student loan debt. Getting my degree/certificate would add to it significantly because this is NOT a cheap course of study. Especially since most school want you to have your own equipment and whatnot. Photography equipment and accessories are expensive. On the plus side, once I have it, I have it and can use it to build my own business. And really, having my own studio would be the ultimate goal. It would give me the freedom of choosing my own hours and being available should Bob need me. He could also be my partner which would give him some satisfaction. Still, it’s a huge step and I’m not sure about it…especially considering the cost.

When I think about what I want to do with my life and realize all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother and see that’s not happening, I get so sad and depressed. When I think about the job I’m in now and how it sucks the life right out of me and doesn’t pay me half what it should, I get so sad and depressed. When I think about photography and how I could be working in a field that’s creative and fun and full of special moments, I get excited and tremble-y. Hmmmm. Maybe a little more debt in the beginning is worth pursuing a dream that could make life worth living again?

In unrelated news, we are attending a wedding in Milwaukee in July. Afterwards, we are going to stay somewhere on Lake Michigan. Anyone know of a place to stay that’s affordable AND handicapped accessible? We would prefer cabins to hotels but beggars can’t be choosers. Thanks!

The Suck

2008-03-03T15:17:00.000-06:00

Today is the kind of day where everything just seems to be going wrong or is off somehow. I just want to go home and crawl under the covers and never come out.

No matter how much my body is telling me that, “No, you are NOT pregnant…AGAIN!” and “Yes, your period is coming soon”, I chose instead to pee on a stick today because there is no “evidence” of said period yet and I would rather put my faith in plastic technology rather than the symptoms of my own body apparently. Still, you would think after nearly 6 ½ years of monthly disappointment, I would eventually learn to give up all hope and stop even considering that I might be pregnant. You would think that I would learn that it’s obviously NEVER! GOING! TO! HAPPEN! Oh, but I did find out about it happening to ANOTHER friend of mine. Everyone but me.

Work was The Suck today. Not only has the whole Widget part of my job changed, but apparently I am supposed to also manage the doohickey part of things as well. Now doohickey things were never part of my job. Sometimes I would do them if the rest of my team was under the pile and my work was slow but somehow doohickey things have ended up on my pile even though my pile is stacked to the ceiling and threatening to topple over. That doesn’t stop my boss from putting every new thing that comes along on MY pile.

If that’s not fun enough, I got this email today in regards to a widget that got overlooked. You see, I sometimes have to refer widgets to a widget specialist who determines of that widget was OK to sell in the first place. That specialist emails me a list at the end of every week for me to look over just to make sure we are on the same page. However, I have not had time to look over said list because of the previously mentioned precariously balanced pile.

“Dear Amy,

I found a widget that I had accidentally clipped to another one and it was not on last week’s status sheet. This is Interesting because if you were reviewing the status sheet against your unaccounted widgets, I would have thought you would have said something last week.

Signed,

Passive/Aggressive Much”

I get the list last thing Friday afternoon. I got this email just after lunch today (Monday). Not much time between. Also, when I review the list, I email the sender to let her know if it’s OK or not. I have not sent that email because I have not yet reviewed the list. Oh, and she CCs my boss on all her emails to me so my boss got this lovely nugget of love. I love working here.

I am just so sad and so depressed right now. I feel like I am bricked in a wall I can never get over or get out from behind. I hate my job but am having no luck finding a new one. I want to be a mother but am having no luck conceiving or convincing my husband to progress beyond trying on our own. I feel like one big fat failure and cannot for the life of me see a way out of this cold, dead, grey harbor of blech. I try to change what I can only to find that I am powerless to change anything right now. I need some kind of hope but I don’t see it happening and that leaves me little to hang on to.

Look Before...

2008-02-29T13:42:00.000-06:00

Happy Leap Day!

I had a near miss yesterday. It started snowing around 2pm and by the time I left work at 4pm, quite a bit had built up on the roads. I only live 2 miles from work but Bob had asked me to pick up an RX at W@llgreens. It’s only about another 2 or 3 miles away so I told him I would get it on my way home from work. Driving there was not a problem. The speed limit is 40 but I played it safe and drove closer to 30 mph. I made it to the pharmacy with no problems whatsoever. Driving home was a different story. Right away I noticed that in the 20 minutes I’d been in the store, the snow was wetter and the roads slicker. I took it slow from the get go. Still, at the first stop light, even though I began braking WAY before I really needed to, I began fish-tailing and sliding rapidly towards the car in front of me. Seconds earlier, that car was farther ahead of me but the driver must have noticed the precarious conditions and put the brakes on right about the time I did. I did everything I knew to do to no avail. My car was sliding on a slippery surface and was rapidly approaching the rear end of the vehicle in front of me. I was helpless to do anything to stop it. Since the first stop light is at the bottom of a hill, both our cars were not only sliding, they were gaining speed. I was so afraid that the car in front would stop only to be rear-ended by me and pushed into the intersection and into on-coming traffic. Feeling helpless and seeing everything in that weird slow motion way that happens at times like this, I just yelled out audibly, “Lord, help!”, and seriously, both our cars stopped right where they were simultaneously. It was the weirdest, most magical thing and I heaved a huge sigh of relief…until I saw the car behind me rapidly approaching my rear bumper. Thankfully, they were able to turn out of the slide and go around. Whew!

I feel like crap today. I woke up at 2 this morning having to use the bathroom. Once I was finished, I went back to bed only to toss and turn for the next 2 ½ hours. I was so tired and my eyes so heavy and sore and burning from needing sleep. Still, sleep would not come. I ended up getting up at 4:30 and doing some stuff around the apartment. I left for work about an hour early just to keep busy and now I feel like I could topple over at any minute. I’ve had that vague, gnawing feeling in my stomach all day. That feeling you get when you’ve had too little sleep and to much caffeine. That feeling like if you ingest the wrong thing, it’s all coming back the way it went in. Do you know that feeling? All I want to do is go home and crawl into my bed and fall asleep. What a waste of a Friday night.

Oh, I forgot to say that because of the little mishap/near miss mentioned above, I did not attend the photography small group meeting at the church we visited on Sunday. Their next meeting isn’t until March 20^th, so I have to wait a bit. Still, I thought better safe than sorry and was glad to spend a quite night at home watching Lost.

Sticker Shock

2008-02-27T13:58:00.000-06:00

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. It’s been 2 years…actually, maybe 3! Yikes! Anyway, my eyesight has gotten worse both in regards to seeing far and seeing near so my RX for my progressives has had to be amped up a bit. Not that I mind because I would like to be able to see what I’m looking at without having to do the random head rotation and eye squint it requires right now.

My favorite part of going to the eye doctor is picking out my new glasses. However, the cost of progressives has put a huge damper on that little bit of fun. My work provides vision insurance which is a godsend. I used to be able to get my glasses and lens PLUS a second pair of sun glasses for under $100 after insurance was applied. Yesterday’s bill for 1 pair of glasses (not even designer frames) was $210 after insurance. Gulp. Granted, if I didn’t have insurance, I’d have to pony the whole $550 so I’m thankful for insurance covering the majority of the costs, but still, talk about sticker shock. I couldn’t order them yet because we don’t have the extra cash on hand right now.

Work is not fun right now. I can’t go into it much here but imagine you’ve been doing the same job, more or less, for 5 years and it’s been going just fine. Then imagine that new people are hired above you and to manage you, neither of which have any experience in doing what you do nor do they really know what your job entails. Lets just say that your job is to count and distribute widgets. And this time of year is crazy busy in the widget industry. Now lets say your boss and another higher up decide that not only should you count the widgets but you should keep track of the widgets by size, weight, color, and shape. AND you should create a checklist to help you keep track. And you should create another checklist to keep track of the first checklist. AND you should communicate all of this with your team daily. And you should create another checklist to keep track of the team members you are communicating with and what was told to them. That is what my job has been like recently. These days I can often be found fantasizing about winning the lottery and leaving this job for good.

Last night I woke up around 1:30. I had to pee but I was also super thirsty. After relieving my bladder, I left my bedroom to get some water from our cold filter in the kitchen. I must have scared one of my cats because she flung herself into my ankle and then sprinted under the couch. Except when she sprinted from my leg, her back paw caught my big toe and now there are 4 lovely deep red scratches across the top of it. It bled quite nicely and is now scabbed over. I put some Neosporin on it so it won’t get infected but it still hurts like a mother.

Huh

2008-02-24T21:34:00.002-06:00

Bob and I actually went to church today. It was kind of a fluky thing. A woman I met at the wedding shower I attended Friday night invited me to her church. She wrote out the website and service times and I told Bob about it. He said that he could probably make an 11am service and we should try it. So we got up and got ready and drove to the church.

I was a little bit taken aback by it all. When we were within a block of the church, we saw lines and lines of cars and then we saw many traffic directors. When we saw the actual church building, we were again taken aback. It was a large "campus" type church. Typically we try to stay away from the "mega church" churches. Still, we made it that far so we forged ahead.

When we entered the building, we were in for another shock. It looked like a swanky hotel lobby more so than a church entry. There was marble, a fountain, benches, and lots of floral displays. We were greeted by a man and woman dressed to the nines. They directed us to another pair of greeters dressed fancily who, in turn, directed us to the sanctuary.

Once we entered the sanctuary, I wasn't sure what we were in for. It looked like a large ampitheater. The stage looked like a professionally appointed theater stage. To the right was a grand piano and large band complete with brass section. To the left was a large chair. Ahead of us was an auditorium filled with theater seats and I counted no less than 6 television cameras. Once we were seated, I was able to see the professional lighting, sound board, and tv editing station. I felt like we had just entered some televised musical production.

We were shown to a section of the auditorium that featured cut-outs for wheelchairs so that was nice. The whole building was accessible and there seemed to be quite a large contingent of people in wheelchairs. We were at the 4th service of the weekend so I'm sure their actual numbers are even higher than what we saw today.

The whole time we were sitting there during the service I kept thinking, "Surely you don't want us to go here Lord. Surely this isn't the place you have for us to attend." Yet it seemed that it just may be. During one of my silent protestations, my attention was turned towards the bulletin where I noticed that they have a photography group that meets once a month. This is interesting only in that yesterday I had just prayed for God to use my photography if he could in any way. I didn't know how or what it might mean or look like but it seems like something of an odd coincidence. When I got home, I went directly to the church website to see what I could find on the photography group and I found amazing galleries. Right away I began to tell myself I wasn't good enough to join these amazing photographers. Then I thought that if nothing else, I can learn from them and become better. The next meeting is this Thursday night and I can't wait.

Something else that kind of gave me pause was that the speaker/preacher today was Kenneth Copeland. I'm not a big fan of TV preachers and I've heard he's been in some kind of trouble financially but I will say that he had a very good message that ministered to both me and Bob personally. We tend to take things in with a large dose of skepticism but were very much surprised at how much the sermon and service moved us. Maybe this is because we haven't attended a formal church service in about a year or maybe it's because of the slick service style and professional music. Or, maybe it was because God showed up for us today.

At the end of everything, after all was said and done, Bob said, "I could go here again. Let's plan on attending next weekend too." I said I would be up for it but that it surprised me because this didn't seem to be the kind of church we were looking for. After all it was so big and fancy and flashy and how could we, jeans and t-shirt people, find a place to serve, move, live, and be in such a big fancy place? Bob said, "Maybe we just need to be faces in the crowd of a big church for a while." That sounded about right to me.

The other things that do attract us to this church right now are the smaller, more personal outreaches that the church is involved with. They have a prison ministry, a street evangelism program, a food shelf, a women's shelter, a car care program for single mothers and the elderly, and they have an awesome live music/dance club in downtown Minneapolis. They also have local small groups for a more intimate and friendly church experience. Finally, they have 2 Saturday night services in addition to the 2 on Sunday. Sometimes evening church is better for Bob so it's nice to have a choice.

So, we shall see. For now we will try to keep attending as we can. I will attend the this Thursday evening's photography meeting and who knows, maybe we will actually find a place to fit in here. If nothing else, maybe we will at least find ourselves back in the habit of church attendance, even if it doesn't mean that we end up at this particular church.

Weekend Fun...Thus Far

2008-02-23T19:02:00.012-06:00

See that beautiful, smiling face? That is the face of a bride-to-be. Last night I spent the evening basking in her pre-marital bliss. It was her wedding shower and it was lots of fun. I used to be her youth leader another lifetime ago. The fun thing is I knew her fiance' before she did. He was a friend of mine when I used to live in Wisconsin. Their wedding will be a whole lot of fun.

Today I met my best friend from High School at the downtown convention center. Her daughter was here competing in a national dance competition. (Think "Bring it On".) It was amazing. My friend's daughter's team won 1st in their division which was exciting to see. One of the things I noticed was that most of the dance teams used classic 80's music for their routines. I guess they know good music when they hear it. Heh.

So, I spent my weekend in the presence of beautiful ladies and it was good. Check out more photos below or by clicking my Flickr badge.
This is the only team I saw in competition with a boy

This team had a healthy assortment of healthy larger girls.

This is my friend's beautiful daughter.

Here she is again. LOVE! HER!

Here is my friend and her daughter.
Just a random photo of a random dance team.
This is the all-star dance team from the same studio my friend's daughter dances with.And to end this round-up of estrogen, I leave you with a photo I took while walking back to my car after lunch. This father was teaching his son some hockey skills at a downtown rink. So cute.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

2008-02-21T07:40:00.002-06:00

It was bitterly cold at the nature center last night. But that didn’t stop a dozen hardy souls from venturing out into night to view the Raccoon Moon and total lunar eclipse. It was amazing. First, we sat through a short presentation given by an amateur astronomer about eclipses and moon names. Then we tugged on our layers and tromped outside for a hike in the night. We were walking in the dark, following deer paths, walking on frozen lakes, climbing snowy hills, listening for owls and critters, and watching the earth’s shadow cover the moon. It was spectacular. After the hike, we set up our telescopes and cameras to better view the display. When the cold got too much for even the bravest of Minnesotans, we packed it in and head for home.

I am happy with the few pictures I took. During the initial covering of the moon, I was on the trail sans tripod so those photos are quite blurry. I got a couple photos of the eclipse that aren’t too blurry. I don’t have a remote for my camera yet so I used the 2-second self timer and that resulted in less blur but there is still some noticeable blurring. Still, I am happy with what I have and I had a great time getting the photos. If it hadn’t been so cold, I would have stayed out longer and experimented more with the settings and such. Still, a good time was had by all who attended.

Lunar Eclipse

2008-02-19T14:00:00.001-06:00

I don’t know why I am so excited about tomorrow’s lunar eclipse. I can’t even take a good photo of the moon. I’ve tried. Even with my newer camera and new lens I don’t get anything but a big white blob/blur. Erg. However, we are going to a local park preserve for their lunar eclipse program and viewing. The first part of the evening begins at 7 with a program and discussion of the “Raccoon Moon”. I didn’t know what a raccoon moon was until I Googled it and found that each month’s full moon has been named by different cultures. The Dakotah Sioux have named February’s full moon the Raccoon Moon. After the program, we will walk to the viewing area where they will have telescopes and sky guides available. I asked about accessibility when I called for information and the lady said they had all-terrain wheelchairs available as well! Score! Bob is going to come with me but he is definitely not as excited about this as I am. Usually, though, he will come to something just because I want him to and he ends up having a blast. I hope this is the case with the eclipse otherwise I’m exposing him to the cold and snow for no good reason. If you live in the Metro area and want to join us, email me and I will give you the particulars. If you live somewhere else and want to find out what’s going on in your neck of the woods in regards to the eclipse, Google, 2-20-08 Lunar Eclipse, your area. You should get some hits with viewings going on nearby. Or you can just stand in your back yard and watch it. We live in an area with lots of light pollution though I wanted to avoid that as much as possible. Also, we don’t have a telescope which would be fun to use during the eclipse, hence the tromping out into the cold, cold woods at the nature preserve.

Things at work were sticky today. We did something yesterday we should have waited until today to do. It wasn’t a nightmare, but it kind of messed things up a bit for a gal who just got back from vacation. However, as she called around to find out how to fix the small mess, she made comments like, “I can never go on vacation because everything falls apart when I’m gone,” “I am the only one holding this place together,” and “What’s going to happen when I retire in 10 months?” Also, someone on the other end of her phone conversation must have asked who entered the information that was supposed to be saved until today, she said, “Amy” in a tone of voice that can only be described as disdainful. My name, a two syllable word, came out of her mouth sounding for all the world like, “That screw-up,” “Figures,” “Who else would it be? Isn’t she the one that always messes things up?” It’s hard to get that all out of two syllables, but my co-worker managed it. Just hearing my name in that tone of voice made my face flush to the roots of my hair and I got all nervous and apologetic. Things are all worked out and back to normal but those first few hours this morning were horrible. I hate feeling like the weak link on the chain.

Thank you all for your kind comments and emails regarding the photos I took this weekend. My new lens is a 70/300 zoom with a macro setting. I love it

Pondering

2008-02-18T14:00:00.001-06:00

I am taking steps to wean myself off of Coke (the cola, not the drug) and so far today I’ve had none. However, the amount of times I’ve thought of Coke over the past 7 hours? Approximately every 4.2 seconds. A guy I work with just opened a soda and just the sound of the little metal tab cracking drinking surface open makes my mouth water. I don’t even know if it was a Coke the guy opened. I just know that I would hand over my wedding band right now for a little Coke with lime. Arg!

So, is everybody ready for Wednesday evening’s lunar eclipse viewing? I am, I am! I printed out a list of all the county parks that are hosting viewing parties and will be choosing the park I visit on the basis of it’s darkness ratio, accessibility in case Bob wants to join me, and level land for optimum tri-pod planting. I can’t wait to try my new lens to see if it makes any difference in photo quality.

Question: Why is it that everyone assumes that the elevator that arrives will arrive empty when usually it arrives with people waiting to get off? The people inside the narrow box must then navigate around all the rubes standing directly in front of the doors as soon as they open. There should be a rule that people waiting to get on the elevator stand at least 10 feet away from the door so as to allow passengers to disembark. Maybe paint a big black line for those who enjoy a good visual aid. Oh, and another question: Why does this bother me so much?

I just realized that all the infertility bloggers I’ve read are all moms now. Yep, all of them. And while I’m so happy for them and glad to read of their triumph over infertility I wonder where the new infertility bloggers are. Am I just in a blog reading rut? These women all gave me hope and inspiration while simultaneously writing of things that I could relate to and identify with. That’s no longer the case. We are still wading through the trough of childlessness and it’s still hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to where I can turn in order to read some good, even humorous, infertility blogging?

In sort of relation to the above, I will say that the, uh “lovin’ time” with Bob has been exceeding and abundantly better this past couple of months. It’s almost equal to honeymoon passion now that we are just doing it when the mood strikes instead of in timed intervals between doctor visits. Huh, who knew?