Monday, October 13, 2008

Infertility: the Definition of Insanity?

October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.


I have been sick for about two weeks now and it's really getting old. It started with a sore throat and stuffy nose and quickly moved from my head to my chest where it has set up camp and made itself at home. I have a weird lethargy, low-grade fever, and a chest cough that has finally moved from an annoying tickle in the throat to a productive cough. I thought I was on the mend today but after running a couple of quick errands this afternoon, I had to come home and take a nap before class.

To be honest, I'd been hoping some of the illness I felt was from pregnancy. I was three days late (a rarity), had tender breasts for a week, and just felt different somehow. But no, Aunt Flo finally made her appearance today. I am assuming some of my lethargy and general malaise comes from that as well.

I think the hardest thing about infertility might just be the dashed hopes. For me it's been month after month for nearly 7 years. Every month I have about 2 weeks where I think...maybe this time? Only to have that hope smashed to bits with the appearance of my period. That's nearly 78 hopes dashed. Can you say that you have had something you desired, wanted, hoped for only to have it taken from you or not made an appearance at all? Can you say that's happened nearly 80 times? The Bible says hope deferred makes a heart sick. So not only am I infertile, my heart is sick.

While watching a program detailing the life of one of my favorite singers, I heard him say something that made me take notice. He was speaking about a painful instance in his married life and how instead of turning from God or being angry at Him about the circumstances, he asked Him to make a way through the pain. I am working on making that my prayer. I still have daily battles with God about this. After all, conception, childbirth, families...they are all His invention and design so how hard would it be for Him to just make it happen for us? I don't think it would be hard at all. So why doesn't He? Who knows. Hence, my battles with my Maker. I think I've made strides in healing just by being willing to ask Him to make a way for me through this pain. I know I have to get through it, I just don't know how. So He is going to have to do something to lead me through.

So anyway, I was thinking that THIS month was different and I might really be pregnant. Isn't the definition of insanity "doing something the same time every time and expecting a different result"? Well, we do the same thing every month. In fact we do it several times a month and never get a different result. I just don't know how much longer I can take the hope/devastated rollercoaster. Two weeks of hope, wishing, dreaming, planning, desiring, expecting only to come face first into the wall of dashed hopes, despair, sadness, longing, and failure. Then a week of trying to come to terms with it all and getting on with life. It's up, down, up, down, up, down, every month the same. I just wish that I could either just stop desiring pregnancy/children, get over it all together, or get pregnant somehow. I don't think I can take 8 more months of this let alone 78 more months.

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