Saturday, June 30, 2007

Losing Weight

I knew it has been a couple of days but Yvonne's comment prompted me to check back and I didn't realize I haven't written anything since Monday. Yipes.

Well, there have been changes afoot.

We are now NOT going on vacation to Seattle. At all. While this bums us out a bit, we are OK with it. This is the year of the pregnancy and to that end we will be working. Plus with all the time off I've been taking for medical things, it is getting a little too close for comfort on having time off for vacation too. Thankfully, we had not gotten to the point where we bought plane tickets or rental cars. Whew! I actually feel lighter now that the decision's been made.

Speaking of medical things. I have scheduled my D & C for Tuesday, July 10th. I will be undergoing that and a hystogram at the same time. The D & C is where they will scrape out my uterus and the other thing is where they put a teeny little camera up my hoohaw to see what else might be invading that nice warm space. Once all of this nonsense is complete. we will begin round 2 of insemination in August. Yay. I should have the cleanest feminines parts in all the land.

I finished my first class back to school. One down and four more to go. I don't have class again until July 12th (post D & C) so I get a nice break from homework over the fourth of July week. It will be interesting to see how my grades differ after my year long break as opposed to before. Before the break they were all As and Bs and I worked hard to get them. Now I am still working hard but I'm not as fanatical and would not be opposed to a C thrown in the mix. My goal is to finish and if I finish well, so much the better. Still, I will not kill myself and agonize over every assignment and project like I did in the past. Go me. My next class is on professional presentations which should be OK. The class I'm really dreading is the next to the last one on research methodology. It's supposed to be a killer.

Today is my G'ma's 85th birthday bash. My whole family is in town for this and I will be spending what looks to be a lovely MN day with them. I took yesterday off and spent it with my mom. I am glad I did. We met up after my pre-op check up and just went bumming. At her suggestion we went to Ikea. I haven't been to the one here since it opened and we picked a good day to go. It wasn't insanely busy and there was a lot of stuff marked down. I bought some plastic plates, bowls, and utensils for Bob and Mom got some vases and a cutting board.

After Ikea, we went to lunch at Chevy's, a favorite of mine. Then I suggested we drive around and see some of the old neighborhood from about 30 years ago when we lived in St. Paul as a family. Our old house is really ghetto-y and run down. It was a shame to see it so.

When we got back to where I live now, we stopped at The Great Estate Sale and Mom picked up some more vases. I would have liked to have picked up this great chaise chair and an old antique cabinet but I didn't have $5,000.

Back at our place, Mom checked her email while I fed the cats, watered the flowers, and checked on Bob. Dad met up with us later and we all went out to dinner (our treat since it was my dad's birthday on Thursday). Overall it was a good day and a good way to spend the day.

It's weird but I thought I would be more upset about not getting to go to Seattle than I am. What's weirder still is that I was actually quite anxious about it and once it was settled that we were NOT going, a HUGE weight lifted off me and I feel really light and settled now. I guess that means we weren't meant to go. Not this year anyway. Since our sixth anniversary falls on a Saturday we might take the Friday before and go away for a longer weekend. Maybe to where we honeymooned up near Grand Rapids. It's beautiful there in the fall.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Still Sitting With Me

I forgot to relay something that happened at the clinic this morning.  When I walked in, I noticed that the waiting room was busier than I’ve ever seen it.  There were at least half a dozen women waiting.  Usually it’s me and one other woman if that.  (Later, the nurse told me that Mondays are their busiest day.)

There was a woman waiting by herself for a bit.  Then a man came in with a beautiful little blond boy.  The boy had Down’s syndrome and seemed to be maybe 2 or 3.  He wasn’t talking but he was hell on wheels.  The minute the man set him on the floor, he was off and running.  Unfortunately, it seemed that the man/father had little to no interest in keeping tabs on the boy.  The woman/mom was busy trying to keep the boy from running through the clinic, trying to open doors, and trying to entertain the little guy.  At one point, the boy ran past me and I tried to give him a book on monkeys that was in my chair when I arrived.  His mom took it and sat down with him to read him the book.

Not long after beginning the book, the nurse called the woman back to the lab.  She left her husband in charge of the lad.  He took him onto his lap along with the book.  Where the woman actually read to the boy, the man just pointed out things on each page and let the boy turn the pages.  Then the boy wiggled down and began running around again.  The dad just sat there and watched him.  The boy ran by me and ran to the large, heavy door that led from the waiting room into the back rooms of the clinic.  He had a good tug on the door but I was afraid he would pinch his fingers if he got it opened just so far. 

The dad wasn’t moving so I got up and held the door shut and got down on my knees to talk to the boy.  He smiled at me and pulled a magazine out of a nearby rack.  I took the magazine, told the boy thanks and went back to my seat.  He followed me and seemed to want me to read to him.  Trouble is, the magazine was some technical journal.  So I turned pages and pointed out things in pictures much as his dad had done with the monkey book.  He stayed with me looking at the photos in the magazine until his mom came out about 5 minutes later.  She told me thank you and then she picked the boy and his stuff up and she and the dad left.

I guess the reason this has stayed with me is because of the vast differences the mom and dad of this boy had in parenting this child.  The mom was full-on engaged and interacting.  The dad acted like he was exhausted and had better things to do than chase after his boy. I know you can’t get a good read on a family from a 15 minute encounter, but the fact that it’s still on my mind more than 7 hours later says something.


It was an odd sort of weekend.

Neither Bob nor I got very much or very good sleep Friday night.  This made getting up early and getting to the Stride and Ride somewhat difficult.  Also, I woke up with horrible cramps and had to take some Vicodin in order to feel better.  Bob wanted to bow out and stay home. Since we were on the planning committee and had promised to be there, we could not bow out. I told him it would get better once we got there.

It was OK.  There were about 300 people there and we managed to raise about $50,000.  Not a lot, but nothing to sneeze at either.  We are struggling with how to make this annual event bigger and better.  It truly is a grass roots effort to get this thing growing.  While it is nice to get everyone together and to see everyone it is also frustrating that we cannot seem to get the word out about this event or heads up about MD in general.  Still, we did have a good time and I got some good photos of the event.

After the walk Bob and I thought we would go to Como Park to enjoy the beautiful day that was Saturday.  However, it seems everyone else in the entire world also had that idea.  Plus there was a giant classic auto show at the nearby state fairgrounds so getting to the park was an exercise in patience.

When we saw the crowds and had problems finding a parking space, we decided to enjoy the day somewhere else.  We did stop for lunch and enjoyed a nice quiet lunch together.  Then we drove to Bloomington to find a nice trail to walk.  Driving through the Twin Cities this weekend was also an exercise in patience since it seemed that no matter the route, there were road closures and detours and lines of cars.  Arg!

We did make it to a lake in the Bush Lake area and enjoyed a lovely stroll in the sunshine.  We saw wild raspberries, butterflies, Lilly pads, and lots of other flowers and plants.  We also saw a weird fish/amphibian type thing in the green, murky water. It seemed like a fish at first but then it looked more eel-like but then we saw feet/flippers and knees.  We never got a good look at the thing so it remains a mystery to this day.

On our way home, we stopped at Dairy Queen to get a treat.  We ate our treats in the city gazebo by the Minnehaha creek. We were bothering the barn swallows that had a next in the rafters of the gazebo.  The poor thing would fly around our heads, land on the next, and then fly out, all the while making the worried bird sound.  It never once dive bombed us, but we stayed where we were because it was cooler and shadier in the gazebo. Once finished, we headed home and went to bed.  It was 5:30 in the afternoon and we were exhausted.  I slept for about an hour and half and then had to get up to take more Vicodin.  Bob slept through.

The rest of the weekend was an odd mix of sleeping and chores coupled with a message from my folks that one of their friends had unexpectedly, accidentally, yet violently died over the weekend.  I didn’t know their friend personally but I could not stop thinking about that death all the rest of the weekend.  It didn’t feel right for me to grieve as I didn’t know this person but I carried (and continue to carry) a heavy burden of sadness and disbelief the rest of the weekend.  Nothing puts the rest of your life into perspective like the unexpected death of someone.

In reproductive news, I had my S.I.S. test today.  What this consisted of was filling my uterus with saline so the ultrasound tech could see what is in my uterus.  It wasn’t fun but it wasn’t a big deal either.  The tech did find a polyp in the endometrial lining of my uterus.  It is in the exact spot where we want a fertilized egg to implant so it looks like I will be scheduling a D & C.  This is a same day surgery where they go in with a scraping tool to scrape the inside lining of my uterus. 

The only glitch here is timing.  The tech said she didn’t know if my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) had time during this cycle (namely the month of July) to do the D & C and we might have to push it to August.  If we push it back a month that means 2 wasted months.  We can’t do an insemination cycle in July with the polyp right there and we can’t do an insemination in August because of the D & C.  My tech was going to talk to my doctor to see if she can do it this month.  If so, we will schedule the D & C for sometime in July and then push the next insemination to August.

Part of me wants to go ahead with an insemination in July if we have to push the D & C to August.  I know it’s not right, but the goal is pregnancy.  My insurance covers 6 tries and if we conceive and miscarry, we can start over at 6 again. I know the rate of miscarriage is higher because of the polyp and I don’t want that.  It’s not very noble of me but I wasn’t feeling anxious about this before yet I am now.  I am feeling like I am getting desperate and willing to try anything. I don’t want to be in this place, I prefer where I was before when I was at peace and complete in trusting God.   Maybe I am just out of sorts because of the weird weekend and fear of the unknown.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Getting Ready for SIS

I had my progesterone test this morning and got my results at lunchtime; 1.1.  So yeah, so not pregnant.  As if the period arriving yesterday was not enough of a clue.  I made an appointment for a SIS for Monday morning.  Here is a good explanation of that test:

      “Because the inside walls of the uterus normally are pressed against each other, ultrasound often cannot accurately determine if irregularities of the inner uterine wall are present. With the Saline Infused Sonography (SIS) procedure, warmed sterile saline is slowly passed into the uterine cavity using a small soft plastic tube. The infused saline separates the walls of the uterus and improves the chances that abnormalities within the uterine cavity are detected.  The test is able to diagnose such abnormalities as uterine polyps, fibroids, intra-uterine adhesions and general malformations of uterine shape and size. The study can also help to indirectly diagnose blocked fallopian tubes. If there is minimal fluid in the pelvis before the SIS procedure, and following the procedure, fluid has collected in the abdominal/pelvic cavity, the fluid must have had to pass from the uterus through at least one open Fallopian tube to fill the abdominal/pelvic cavity. The test is generally unable to diagnose such problems as endometriosis and hormone abnormalities.  It is possible that the test will indicate an abnormality when one is not actually present (described as an artifact or a false-positive finding) but some believe this will occur in less than 5% (1 in 20) of the patients.”

On Monday I will have to schedule ANOTHER appointment. This time a cycle consult with my RE to go over what we might want to change for the next cycle.  I also want to talk with her as to why my period suddenly showed up 5 days early.  That is mighty unusual for me and I wonder if it’s common for her patients or if it’s a weird thing going on with me.

Class last night just seemed to go on and on and on.  I got home and felt exhausted and yet I didn’t fall asleep until almost 12:30.  I woke up at the crack of dawn to the loudly chirping birdies outside our window.  I am definitely operating at half staff today.  The good news is that I will be partaking of a love class of Riesling on my beloved patio garden around dusk.

Tomorrow is the big Muscular Dystrophy Stride and Ride fundraiser.  We have to be there by 8am to help set up and get things ready.  We didn’t nearly reach our goal this year and we don’t have much in the way of a team walking with us.  However, it is a good cause that we helped planned and we hope to be part of it for years to come.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

No test needed

I do not need a pregnancy test to tell me if I’m pregnant or not.  I woke up this morning with cramps and spotting and as the morning has progressed, so has my period.  What’s weird is that it’s 5 days early.  I’m never 5 days early.  Oh well.  I guess it’s better finding out this way than taking the test and waiting for the results only to be told it was negative.  I still have an appointment tomorrow to test my progesterone. 

I am disappointed but not surprised.  While I wanted so badly to be pregnant, I just knew it didn’t happen this time.  Unfortunately, my subconscious self is not as placated since last night featured a pregnant me in every scene of every dream I can remember.  Do you know how disconcerting it is to wake up with the “reality” of pregnancy in your mind from your dreams only to have to begin monthly crimson fluid cleansing and management?  No?  Well, it’s plenty disconcerting.

So it’s onward and upward.  I will make an appointment on day 5 of my cycle (Which will be Monday) for them to test whatever it is inside my uterus.  Once there is a determination on that, they will decide if I need a D & C or not.  If I have a D & C, we will not inseminate in July and will have to wait until August.  I have high hopes for August.

I took photos of my bloody eye last night and posted them in Flickr.  Click the badge at right to see it in all its crimson glory.

I am hungry for Thai food today.  I will be indulging in feeding this craving at lunch today.  I cannot wait for my tasty beef and noodles.

So, I don’t have much more to say.  Oh!  Here is an interesting tidbit about me.  Did you know that I cannot go to the bathroom without something else to do?  What I mean to say is I can, I just don’t.  I need to bring a book, a magazine, a newspaper, my handheld Text Twist game, the mail, or something with me when I go to the bathroom.  Now, share a fun fact about you in my comments.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Justice and a Meme

Today was the fifth straight day of dropping morning temps.  I would say that is categorically a sign that the insemination did not work this month.

My eye is still a bloody mess.  The far right side of it looks better, but the blood-ness of it is moving left towards my nose.  It’s not attractive and I wear sunglasses in public just to avoid the whole, “Oh goodness!  What happened to your eye?” thing.  Bob is afraid people will think he popped me.  I have no such fear.  There is no bruise or shadow around my eye, just the bloody mess inside the whites of it.

Last night I left the patio door open from our bedroom to the balcony.  The kitties like to lie in the sun and play with bugs and stuff and I didn’t want to sit in the sun and supervise.  Later, when I began to notice bugs in the house, I made a quick count of cats and shut the screen.  About a half hour later I heard a pitiful howly meow coming from the direction of the bedroom.  I went to the screen door and saw Daisy staring back at me with he big, blue, mournful eyes.  She NEVER goes out there so when I counted cats and didn’t count her among them, it didn’t occur to me that she was missing from the count because she was outside!  Poor thing.  She’ll probably never go out there again.

Bob asked me to pick up an RX for him on my way home from work last night.  Usually this is no problem but it becomes a little more inconvenient because the road between our home and the pharmacy is closed for construction.  So I have to drive around.  On the way there, I drove a different way around because I had to stop at the dry cleaners.  However, on the drive home (a drive that is less than a mile mind you), I got stuck in a traffic jam that caused my trip home to take 35 minutes.  I could have (and should have) parked my car in the city park lot and walked home faster than it took me to drive.  I got home hot, tired, and very frustrated. (Poor Bob.)

Poor Bob indeed. He just called me.  He is downtown at some power seminar/sales thingy.  He went to his van at lunch to get something out that he had forgotten.  When he got to the van he saw that some self important butthead had parked in the no parking zone used for loading and unloading handicapped people into their vans.  There was no way for Bob to get into the van.  So he missed lunch because he had to alert security and they had to call a tow truck and Bob had to be there for some reason.  Although he assured me that he had a good time BSing with the security guard and that he is going to work on not being so negative and on not taking every bad day and turning it into DOOM from Hades.  So, he’s got that going for him.  Some little self entitled sports car driver is going to be PISSED when he comes out of the seminar to find his precious sports car missing from its illegally parked spot!  MWWWWAHAHAHAHA!  I love when justice works in our favor for a change.

I was tagged by Robyn:

Instructions: Remove the blog from the top, move all blogs up one, add yourself to the bottom.

1. scenic overlook
sincere obscurity

5. - me

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was… living with my parents in a small southern WI town south of Madison.  I was finishing my degree, working with the single’s group from my church, and biding my time until I could venture back out on my own again. (I moved to Minnesota the very next year.)

Five snacks you enjoy
1. Fruit of any kind
2. Blue corn chips and fresh or home made salsa
3. Pringles Premium Potato Chips
4. Popcorn with Butter
5. Frosted Animal Crackers

Five songs you know all the lyrics to (these will probably be all 80s tunes because I am that hip)
1. Blister in the Sun
2. Goody Two Shoes
3. The Look of Love
4. Sweet Escape
5. Ain’t No Other Man

Five things you’d do if you were a millionaire
1. Donate a buttload of money to the Muscular Dystrophy Association in Bob’s name.
2. Donate a buttload of money to the Mobility for Independence Charity that raises funds for handicapped accessible vans for those in need.
3. Buy or build a completely handicapped accessible house for me and Bob.
4. Start adoption proceedings.
5. Set up a college fund for my school-age niece and nephews.

Five bad habits
1. Chewing on the skin around my fingernails.
2. I am ALWAYS touching my face. (Me too!)
3. Playing with my hair. (I’m almost 40 for heaven’s sake!)
4. Driving without wearing my seatbelt when I’m driving less than 5 miles away.
5. Getting immediately defensive when asked a question.

Five things you like to do
1. Read
2. Watch TV
3. Surf the internet
4. Hang out with Bob and/or friends.
5. Take Photos

Five things you will never wear again
1. Thong Underwear
2. Leg warmers
3. Suntan pantyhose
4. 3 or 4 inch high heels…aw heck, any heels for that matter
5. A perm

Five favorite toys

1. My ipod – Pinky McShinesalot
2. My camera – Pentax K100D
3. My laptop – HP something or other
4. My cell phone Text Twist game
5. Can’t think of a fifth one

Five people to tag

You, you, you, you and you.  And by you…I mean anyone reading this.

* * *

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Feeling "Off"

I’m feeling kind of “off” today.  Nothing I can put my finger on other than so tired and a little…foggy, I guess you could say.  There is nothing more than I would rather do right now than curl up in bed and nap.  My red, bloody eye would probably enjoy that as well. (Although it is looking a tad bit better today than it did yesterday.  Also, I think it occurred when I blew my nose just before exiting the shower.)

I fluctuate by the minute thinking I’m pregnant and then thinking I’m not pregnant. I’m going to be one big mass of anxiety before this weekend’s testing occurs.  If I am or not it not going to be posted until family has been alerted.  No one wants to read of the existence of their grandchild, child, nephew/niece, etc on the internet.  Mostly I think it comes down to this; I want to be pregnant but I don’t think I am.  My morning temps have been on the decline the past three mornings.  Were I pregnant, they would be on the upswing.  This is more disappointing that I can describe here.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Sporting a New Look

We had a good Father’s Day. I got Bob a card and a gift certificate to Dairy Queen. He felt bad because he had not gotten me anything for Mother’s Day. I told him it’s possible he’s a father right now but I was not a mother on Mother’s Day. We both wished we knew for sure if we were parents yet. Tom Petty was right; the waiting IS the hardest part.

I spent the day doing laundry and homework, although I did manage to fit some personal reading time in as well. The day was gorgeous though quite hot with highs in the 90’s. We had high winds so that kind of took the sting out of the heated air. I spend some time on our balcony with a good book, a large glass of water, and 3 of our 4 cats. (Daisy gets too fraidy and runs inside at the first hint of noise or shadow.)

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I managed to burst a blood vessel in my right eye this morning. The white part on the far right side (closest to my ear) is all bloody red. It’s an attractive look I recommend to all. Everyone that has spoken to me so far this morning has pointed it out and asked what happened. I have no answer. It was fine when I got into the shower and a red bloody mess when I got out. I didn’t do anything new or different so I’m at a loss to explain what happened. If it’s still in its glory after work, I will take a photo to show you.

I got a call from my clinic today. My progesterone was low, 8.9. The nurse said it was still ovulatory but they like to see it higher. So I’m to go in on Friday for a progesterone levels test. This is the first bit of downer news I’ve received since starting down this road. Don’t know what to expect on Friday but everything so far has been a learning adventure, so that’s good.

This coming Saturday is our annual Muscular Dystrophy fundraiser. If you would like to donate as part of our team, the Mingo Movers, please click this link.Thanks!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Sad News

A third sextuplet died. There was also a good article in the local paper about the risk of the growing multiple birth phenomenon.

Meanwhile, every little twinge and tweak in my body makes me think, "Oh! I bet I'm pregnant!" Today while I was eating lunch I got sick to my stomach half way through. I didn't vomit and it went away as quickly as it came on but it could have been anything. This waiting is making me crazy.

I kept busy today though. I got up around 8 and starting potatoes and egg boiling in order to make potato salad. I cleaned out the dishwasher and the cat boxes. I cleaned our apartment, colored my hair, swept both patios, watered the flowers, and then washed all our windows and screens. I made Bob lunch and then I had to leave for a BBQ at a girlfriend's house. This is the first time I've been home and just sitting all day. Tomorrow is church, laundry, and homework.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Post Insemination Clinic Visit

Today is the 4th or 5th day of 90+ temps. Last night was the first time we have turned on our air conditioning since last summer. It felt so good. I like fresh air and hate closing up but when the air is humid and still and thick, it’s just better to close up and turn on the air conditioner.

I had my post insemination appointment today. It’s interesting how the lobby is practically papered in signs saying we should all turn off our cell phones and yet every time I’ve been there, some woman has plunked down and immediately out the phone and chatted loud enough for the entire world to hear. Last time it was a woman scoffing to the person on the other end about why that person couldn’t or wouldn’t come to a baby shower. I swear she said, “Just suck it up and come to the damn baby shower. I don’t understand why you just can’t come to the damn baby shower” 7 times. Today’s cell phone bandit was talking about all her pregnancy symptoms and how much it sucked to be pregnant when it was so hot. Nice. Not like all of the non-pregnant women waiting in the lobby with you wouldn’t switch places with you immediately. I wanted to go up to her and say, “See all these signs posted asking for cell phones to be turned off? Yeah, they apply to everyone BUT you.”

They took blood to check my progesterone levels. I get those results on Monday. I was told that the higher the number, the better and that high numbers prove that I ovulated. After that, it was time for the wanding. Always a joy. The ultrasound showed that my uterine lining is thick and fluffy (tech’s words, not mine) and just as it should be. There was evidence of broken egg shells in the follicle and I still don’t know what that means but the tech was happy to see that. I if it was too soon to tell if the insemination worked and the tech said it was. She said I can test next Sunday and know for sure. Great. My period is due Monday so I will know for sure then anyway. Man, another whole week of waiting is going to drive me crazy.

I asked her if it didn’t work and I get my period can we move ahead to see if there is a polyp in my uterus. She said yes. If I get my period, I am to call and make an appointment for day 5 for something called a SIS test. We’ll know more after that. Then I asked her the 25 million dollar question. It went something like this, “If I did indeed ovulate and I had a good egg and everything worked as it should and Bob’s sample was great, why wouldn’t I get pregnant?” She said that’s why they are in business. There could be enzymes in the sperm; it could be a bad egg, or any number of other scenarios. I asked if the polyp poses serious threat if I am/do get pregnant before we know what it is and get rid of it. She said it was something they would watch but that women all over the world get pregnant and carry to term with polyps in their uteruses so it’s not anything to get too worked up over.

So Monday I should know my progesterone numbers and next weekend I should know for sure if it worked this time or not. If it didn’t and the SIS test on the thing in my uterus which is NOT a growing baby comes back positive for polyp, then I will have to have a D&C and will miss my July cycle and won’t be able to try again until August. (And that’s the longest sentence ever!)

In other news, one of the MN sextuplets died yesterday. Please send your condolences.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Talking It Out.

So Josiah seems to be out as a name we would name a boy baby.  Bob likes it, “But not for our kid”.  Then he mentioned Nathanial which I do like.  However, it seemed to sadden Bob that people would eventually call him Nate.  I mentioned that often times it’s the kid’s choice as to what he/she is called.  Especially if there are more than one of that name in his/her classroom.  I did say that we can call a child the name we choose and then just be flexible as they grow up and give them the freedom to change it if they want to.  We both like long names that can be shortened but don’t really tend to like the shortened version, so I think we are going to have to learn to live with the nickname thing.

All of that to say, I don’t think I am pregnant.  I wish I were…oh how I wish.  This morning’s basal temp was lower than yesterday morning and yesterday morning’s basal temp was lower than the morning before.  If I were pregnant, the basal morning temp would just keep going up instead of down.  I hope to know more on Friday.  I keep telling myself that it could be a very good thing because if there is a polyp in my uterus, as has been pointed out, then this may explain why I’m not getting pregnant and we can do something about it.  I do have a good feeling about the coming months and I really do feel as though it will happen by summer’s end.

Speaking of feelings and getting pregnant, there was much discussion yesterday on some mothers of multiples message boards (I think I mentioned it in yesterday’s post) about how having more than one or two babies at a time is really considered poor planning/doctoring by many in the fertility treatment community.  However, I can see where a couple being told that the cycle should be cancelled due to a high production of follicles might choose to ignore that advice because they’ve tried everything and just want to chance it.  I know women who have produced 4 follicles and chanced it and didn’t get pregnant at all.  Then there are these women who produce 10 and 6 get fertilized and yowza!   There just is no way to know or predict what will happen and you get to a point where you are willing to try anything just to have one baby.  I understand it.  I totally do.  Still, I know for us, we would cancel that cycle.  To look at our resources, physically, financially, emotionally, etc and just go ahead with an insemination when there are 3 or more follicles would be the height of irresponsible.  We could not afford the care and raising of multiples without assistance and there is no guaranteeing assistance will be forthcoming.  Plus, how can we ask others to contribute to something we were mostly in control of knowing we don’t have the resources available to fully function?  Even if we COULD afford feeding, diapering, clothing, and raising the kids for the first few years, there is nothing guaranteeing we could afford sports and extra curricular activities, camp, driving, and college for a bunch of kiddos.  I know there are no guarantees in life and part of the fun is to “see what happens” but I am more of a planner and if I see that we can’t afford it now, I am making the grand assumption that we won’t be able to afford it later.  Especially when we KNOW that we will be a one income earning family.  There is just so much to take into consideration when you need medical intervention in order to have a baby.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Learning While Waiting

While we are waiting to see if this IUI worked or not I am spending my time learning all I can about IUI, fertility treatment, and the like. It helps when others go before you and have lots and lots of babies. It also helps to read blogs of moms of multiples.

I am learning that a woman is more likely to get pregnant with multiples using IUI combined with fertility drugs than IVF. I am also learning that competent doctors and clinics should actually manage each case and cancel the cycle if more than one follicle appears. It seems that many doctors and clinics consider anything other than a singleton a failure. This should make me breathe easier but it doesn’t. While I have stated emphatically to everyone at my clinic that we will try this without drugs to start and will NOT go to injectables, no one has ever come back to me to say, “Oh, don’t worry. We manage each cycle to ensure that the likelihood of multiples is reduced and if more than one or two follicles are produces, we won’t proceed with the treatment.” I would feel much more at ease if something like that had been said. I do know that at my particular clinic (with four locations to serve you) only triplets have been born. There are many twins but mostly singletons and just a couple of triplets. I know this not from brochure or stat sheet but only by the number of baby photos and Christmas cards posted on the hallway bulletin boards. (Oh! One of my nurse practitioners did mention that triplets is the most they’ve delivered so I did get that information passed on to me.)

Given that, I am coming up with questions you can/should ask the people at your clinic. Maybe this will help you if you are just starting out and feel like a teeny tiny fish in the giant ocean that is reproductive endocrinology.
1.) Please explain to me the process I will have to go through during IUI (visual aids would be helpful).
2.) Can I try a cycle or two without drugs if I am ovulating properly?
3.) If I need to use drugs to help me, what kinds of drugs are available?
a. What are the side effects of each drug?
b. What are the chances of producing multiples while on each drug?
c. How is each drug administered?
4.) If I produce more than one follicle (egg), do we continue the cycle or cancel?
5.) Would you like to know my stance/beliefs on selective reduction now so as to save time in case I conceive multiples?
These are the questions I have come up with so far. I am not very far along in my reproductive journey so I will probably have more. If you have any to add, please post them in the comments section.

It’s funny that I don’t know if I’m pregnant for sure or not. I mean emotionally, I feel pregnant. In my head/mind I am pregnant. I want to tell people. I want to explain that I’m tired/bloated/peeing a lot/hungry because I’m pregnant. I see pregnant women and want to say, “Hey! Me too!” Mostly, I just want to be pregnant. Last night (after stopping at Target to buy latex gloves) I told Bob that I keep thinking we are due in May. For that to be the case, I would not be pregnant now but would get pregnant in August. I said I wish I knew right now if we were so we would just know. (Which reminds me of my eldest nephew. When he was about 3 or 4 he used to like to have everything explained to and laid out before him. Once my mom and I were watching him and his younger brother and since it was a nice day, we were just driving around after eating dinner out. He was so annoyed because we didn’t have a particular destination in mind and we kept telling him we were just driving around enjoying the day and didn’t have a destination in mind so hush. Finally, he got so fed up with our evasive answers that he sobbed, “If you would just tell me, then I would know!” Heh.) Anyway, Bob said we are going to end up paying a fortune in home pregnancy test kits. I said not necessarily since my period is due the 25th and if I get it, we will know for sure we aren’t pregnant. It’s God’s way of telling you if you are expecting or not. Then he started to tell me that if I’m not pregnant I can’t be sad about it. I stopped him before he even finished that sentence and told him he can’t tell me I can’t be sad. He said he just did want to see me hurt. I said I KNOW it’s going to happen, it’s just a matter of when and I can be sad until it does. He ultimately agreed though I think if I am sad away from him, it might go better for us both.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Still Waiting

So we’re still waiting.  Not much to do but wait at this point.  However, I do have an appointment on Friday for another FUS to make sure I’ve ovulated and that all is well thus far.  I don’t know how long we have to wait until we will know for sure.  Well, that’s not true, my period is due the 25th so if it shows or not, then we will know.  I was hoping against hope that I might know by Sunday so I can give Bob a REAL Father’s Day present if we are.

Speaking of Bob, he called me at work today freaking out.  What was the issue? Toxoplasmosis.  We have the 4 cats and we have 4 litter boxes.  The boxes are in our kitchen closet and are situated in such a way that Bob cannot get in there with his wheelchair.  I did some Googling and it turns out if I use a mask and rubber gloves when I clean out the litter boxes I should be OK.  Just to be safe, I will talk to my doctor on Friday.  I’m really not worried because our cats are not outdoor cats and they don’t eat mice and birds and stuff.  It turns out I am just as susceptible for Toxoplasmosis by eating undercooked meat or unwashed fruit/veggies.  Actually, everyone is susceptible for the virus so make sure you cook your meat thoroughly and wash/peel all your veggies and fruits.  Then make sure you wash your implements, cutting boards, counters, and hands.  That is my PSA for today.

I was watching TV last night and noticed that a commercial for some sleep aid recommended customer call their “Prescriber” for an RX for the medication.  Since when do we contact our prescriber for a prescription?  Wouldn’t it be prudent to contact your doctor and ask them about the meds and for a prescription?  It just sounded so weird that it jumped out at me.  Are there people who can prescribe medicines other than medical professionals?  They could just say “doctor or nurse practitioner”, couldn’t they?

I love the summer fruit season.  I bought strawberries at the farmer’s market, cherries at Aldi, and musk melon and apples at Trader Joe’s.  Yum.  I am also eating fresh red and yellow peppers, English cucumber, fresh tomatoes, and fresh spinach and sweet corn.  So good.  Oh and speaking of good food, I made the best home made hot dish last night.  I browned some hamburger with onions and while that cooked, I made up a package of rice-a-roni Spanish rice.  Once both were done, I mixed them together with a can of rotel, black beans, crushed up Doritos, some taco seasoning, adobo and chipotle seasoning.  I put some Mexican cheese on top of it and baked it and it was so good and I just made it up without a recipe.  The best test of any new recipe is the Bob test.  Bob loved it so it passed with flying colors.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Nothing Left to Do But Wait

Well, the deed is done. I got Bob's sample in the cup and motored over to the clinic. As road tested yesterday, it took me 15 minutes door to door. I dropped off the sample and was told to come back in 2 hours. I decided to spend the time at the St. Paul Farmer's Market.

What a fabulous idea! Our day today is beautiful, perfect, sunny, and warm. I perused some of the booths and ended up picking up some new annuals to replace a couple that died this week. I got a pansy plant for a dollar! I also got a new gerbera daisy and a new snapdragon. Hope these do better than the ones that died. I have to be more diligent about keeping them watered I think.

Anyway, I also got a giant bag of fresh spinach for a dollar, a lovely bag of ruffly lettuce for two dollars, a large thing of strawberries, a large container of greenhouse tomatoes, a container of multi-colored peppers, and an English cucumber. All of this for under $25!

Once I was done at the market, I drove back to the clinic for the big procedure. The office was super quiet and I wondered if I was the only one there. They led me to a room that looks like every other exam room I've ever been in. I was told to undress from the waist down and get on the table. My nurse practitioner came in and told me that Bob's sample looked great! She said there was great motility, great numbers, and she couldn't be happier. I laughed and said that I thought it wasn't a very big sample and she said they didn't really need a very big sample.

She told me to lie back. I couldn't really see what she was doing and she didn't have me verify the sample or anything so for all I know she just injected me with air or some random sample. Heh. She used a speculum just like for a PAP smear. In fact, it felt rather similar to a regular PAP. It all took about a minute and a half. She said my cervix looked great and I'm to call on Monday and make an appointment for another FUS to make sure I did ovulate and everything is A-OK. She left me alone on the table for 15 minutes and then I took off.

When I left, all the lights were off in the lobby and there was NO one around. Spooky. I decided to drive to Trader Joe's to pick up some fresh fruit and mozzarella cheese. I managed to make it out of there only spending $20 and got some apples, a cantaloupe, some sweet corn, a small angel food cake to go with my farmer's market strawberries, some fresh salsa, blue corn chips, the cheese, and some frozen blueberries. Sweet!

The rest of the day will be spent putting up the fruit and veggies I bought, doing laundry, and replacing my dead flowers with the live ones I just bought. It will also be spent willing the sperm to swim to the egg and fertilize it.

I don't know if I should write this or not. On one hand, I want to make this a record of what we went/are going through in order to get pregnant and this is all part of that. However, I also wonder how much of what I feel and think is just emotion trying to get the better part of me. I am just going to go for it. One of the prayers I've been praying as we travel this road to conception, pregnancy, and parenthood is that it will be easy. So little in our married life has gone easy for us. I have been praying for an easy time. I know we are pursuing medical help and some may see that as NOT easy, but really, things have gone really, really well so far. Every time I've been to the clinic, the main comments have been how good everything looks and how easy the procedures have gone. When you think of all the things that could have happened to mess this up and not one of those things was just so easy. So far so good.

Still, there is this still, small voice inside of me that says this isn't going to be the time it works. It says next month won't take either. It says that August will be the magical month of conception. It also says that I am to prepare myself in these next three months by eating right, cutting out the sugar, caffeine, and processed foods. It says to keep up on the exercise and get rest. It says that the next three months will be key in preparing.

Now the rational part of me says I have been preparing. I am back on my vitamins, cut out the soda, am taking benefiber with folic acid, and am eating more fresh greens and lean meat. I am back to a high protein breakfast as well. I am doing what I know to do to make myself as healthy as I can be and who/what is this voice inside me anyway? Why can't this be easy? Isn't it about time we got something easily for a change? So I guess we will see what happens. I'm doing what I know to be right but hoping for the best this first time.

Friday, June 08, 2007


I wasn't exactly sure where the insemination clinic was so I drove there tonight and timed myself. I hope traffic and stoplights are as easy 12 hours from now. The drive there took me 12 minutes. The drive home, 13 minutes. Give me 3 to 5 minutes to get from the car to the clinic and I should be OK. Boy I'm nervous. I have no idea what to expect. Maybe I should Google insemination procedure?

Later this afternoon I began to feel bloaty and crampy/sore around the spot where I imagine hangs my left ovary. I'm hoping that's a good sign. I took it pretty easy tonight and am supposed to take it easy as well tomorrow. I am tired and am taking that as a good sign. So it's off to bed as I have an early morning tomorrow.

Insemination Update

First thing first.  I was back at my RE’s (Reproductive Endocrinologist) office this morning at 7:30.  I had an empty bladder, a signed HIPPA form from Bob, and my co-pay.  A new nurse practitioner introduced herself to me and got right down to business. Using the vaginal wand thing, she measured the follicle (the sac that carries the egg until it’s released in ovulation) in my left ovary and it measured 20 mm, which is good and it is what they were looking for.  While she was searching, she noticed the spot on my uterus and asked if the previous nurse practitioner had mentioned a possible polyp. I answered in the affirmative.  She said if I don’t get pregnant, they will do something called a SIS test and then a D & C if the SIS comes back positive.

I used this time to ask her questions.  I found out that the follicle is a sac that surrounds the egg until it is released.  I also found out that older women MAY have a follicle without an egg, but since my hormone levels/numbers all came back in the normal range, that isn’t likely to happen yet, though it could. 

Once we were done, she gave me an RX for HCG (which stands for Human Chorion Gonadotropin and is a hormone used to stimulate ovulation.  It also mirrors the pregnancy hormone so if I were to take a pregnancy test, it would come back positive.).  I took the RX to the pharmacy two floors down but had to wait for them to open and then had to wait in line for it to be filled.  I was not very patient and my nervous, bouncing leg was going a mile a minute. However, I was back in the RE’s office 25 minutes later getting the injection in my hip to stimulate ovulation and tomorrow between 10 and 10:30am I am to undergo insemination (if Bob’s sample looks good, that is).  I am having a hard time concentrating today as a result of all the above.  I need to go buy some Benefiber with folic acid.

Last night was my first night back in class after a little over a year away.  It was good to be back, though to start, I was really nervous.  The professor remembered me from last year…which I am choosing to take as a good sign.  I am in a class of 7 other women and 1 man.  The man wasn’t there last night but all of the other women were quite nice.  I feel confident that I can do this even though I made the rookie mistake of not reading through the ENTIRE assignment sheet before class.  I had neglected to get some of the homework completed.  Thankfully, I still had last year’s saved on my computer so I just turned that in since it didn’t get used last year. I am on my own for the next 3 weeks though.  I know I can do this and get through it and will be done in November.  Wow.  November sounds a long way away but I know it will be here before I know it.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

You Are Still Holy

This is the sound track to my life today.

YOU ARE STILL HOLY by Kim Hill from the Arms of Mercy CD

Holy, You are still holy

Even when the darkness surrounds my life

Sovereign, You are still sovereign

Even when confusion is blinding my eyes.

Lord I don’t deserve Your kind affection

When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch

I want my life to be a pure reflection

Of Your love


And so I come into Your chamber and I dance at your feet, Lord.

You are my Savior and I’m at Your mercy

All that has been in my life up to now…it belongs to You

You are still holy.

Holy, You are still holy

Even though I don’t understand Your ways

Sovereign , You will be sovereign

Even when my circumstances don’t change

Lord I don’t deserve Your tender patience

When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth

I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You


I belong to you


You are still sovereign

You are still holy Lord

You are still righteous

You are all-knowing

You are still holy

You are still holy

New Things

They say you learn something new every day.  That may be true.  Today I learned a whole week’s worth of new things.

I first learned that one should always empty their bladder before undergoing a FUS procedure.  Did you know it is hard to see ovaries and follicles when your patient has a full bladder?  Me either!

I also learned that I may have a polyp inside my uterus.  Nothing for sure but something popped up on the ultrasound that shouldn’t be there.  They are going to monitor it closely so I’m not too worried.  If I don’t get pregnant this cycle, they are going to do a test of some kind.  If it comes back that it IS a polyp then they will do a D & C to get rid of it. If I do get pregnant on this cycle, they will have to watch it closely because if the baby attaches to that side of the uterus, there could be a restricted blood flow.

Another thing I learned is that my follicle is a “14”.  However, I do not know what that means other than I am going back in first thing Friday morning for another look-see and an injection of HCG to trigger the ovulation (so we don’t miss it over the weekend and have to wait another month).  If everything looks good and it’s a go on Friday, then on Saturday morning I am to take a sample from Bob to the nearby clinic for insemination.  Insemination could very likely happen this weekend!  Holy cow!

I also learned that almost 6 years of marital relations will stretch you out enough that the seemingly giant wand the tech inserts into your hoohaw doesn’t hurt a bit.  There is some discomfort of course, I mean it’s not like it’s fun and roses, but for the most part, I did just fine with it. 

Finally, I learned that it’s a good thing I am not an ultrasound tech for I could not read anything on that screen to save my life.  For all I could tell, there is a fetus growing inside my bladder right now!  I don’t know how in the world anyone learns how to see stuff on that screen but I am glad there are such people in the world.

Not surprisingly, I also learned that I really, really want this to work.  I met with the clinic’s business office chick and she went over what’s covered and what’s not covered.  I only get 6 tries at this.  However, if it works and I get a confirmed pregnancy, whether that ends in a baby or…something else, we start back over at 1.  If I don’t get pregnant after 6 tries, then we are done as far as insurance coverage goes.  Done.  Not done until the start of a new year or the start of a new fiscal season.  Just done.  God I hope this works.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Project Baby

Project Baby is full on. No more is there talk of “some day when we have a baby” or “if we ever have a baby”. No sir. It is now all “When we have this baby” this and “When the baby is here” that. In fact, we have agreed that I will do what I can to ensure successful breastfeeding and we are researching disposable versus cloth diapers (Did you know that cloth diapers today do not mean what they meant to my parents? It’s true!). We even have had the name talk. We have had a girl’s name since before we were married and will be keeping that name (or a derivative of said name.) for a girl. However, we do not have a boy’s name. We throw names at each other quite often and there are few we hate so we could be in trouble if we have a boy. There is one name we both love but Bob is adamant about not shortening it to its obvious nick name while I really like the nick name and would like to use it as well.

Tomorrow is my first FUS and I am both nervous and excited. Even though I chart morning temps, I really have no idea where I am in my cycle so tomorrow could be an exercise in futility and patience. I could end up going back 2, 3, or 4 more times before we actually do the insemination. Bob wants me to relay some information to our nurse practioner and ask her advice. The information has to do with nocturnal emissions and their frequency. Bob is 45, don’t these things go away by now? Anyway, I will relay and see what she says. Sometimes, for all the medical training Bob has had in getting his Vet Tech degree, he just doesn’t know much about reproduction. I was the one who informed him that a baby girl is born with all the eggs she will ever have in her whole life. He thought that we made new ones every month.

Last night I had 3 of my friends over for bi-monthly prayer. These are the women who have stood by me, encouraged me, held me up, etc. We talked and prayed until 10. I always feel so refreshed when I meet with these ladies. It’s like they can see the real me and they like her and pray for the best to happen. I hope they feel the same about me. I just love them so much. Every one of us is waiting for our “break through” on something. For one it’s her family’s business. For another it’s marriage. For another it’s healing. We have faith strong enough for each other even if we don’t for ourselves and I don’t know what I would do without them. Last night the prayer for me and Bob fell in line with the WHEN of project baby. There were no prayers for “If you have a baby.” They were specific and decidedly unwishy-washy in their belief that there will be a baby. I know I’ve said it before but I hope you have friends like this. I know that they are in my corner no matter what and I feel the same way about them.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Anxiety and Goals

I need to learn how to deal with, get away from, loosen, fling away, anxiety.  I have been sitting at my desk all morning while my leg pumps up and down a mile a minute.  I come by this action naturally from my father’s side of the family.  (At large family meals it’s a wonder the dining table didn’t take off what will all the up and down leg pumping action.)  However, the source of this anxiety can be traced to this being a week of firsts for me.  On Wednesday, I will be undergoing my first FUS (I’m not sure what it actually stands for but in my brain it stands for Follicle Ultra-Sound.).  My appointment is 11:50 and they are checking my ovaries to see if I’m ovulating and if so, where in my cycle I am.  I believe I am an early ovulator but am unsure exactly when in my cycle I ovulate.  I will probably have to go back in a couple of days to make sure I am getting inseminated at the optimum time.

Speaking of hope, my hope knows no bounds that this is going to work. I know the odds are low and I know there are a lot of things standing in our way, but there are other obstacles that have been thrown in our way only to be cleared with little or no effort from me. The last one being a voicemail from the clinic business office on Friday afternoon and a bill of over $300 from the same clinic that day in the mail.  I read over the bill and realized they were billing us directly for Bob’s clinic visit with me the day we met our nurse practioner.  I fretted a little over the weekend, but not much.  I knew all I had to do was call and ask them to bill the insurance company.  We paid our co-pay so our part should be done.  The fretting came from wondering what would happen if they HAD billed the insurance company and it was rejected and this was our portion.  I knew that they would not let me go ahead with the FUS and insemination if that bill wasn’t cleared up.  This morning I called the clinic business office and they said I could disregard the entire bill.  That it had been submitted to insurance and we were up and current with our bills at the clinic and everything is go.  Whew! 

The billing thing is just one supposed obstacle that has been effortlessly removed.  Because I am in this supposed perpetual place of hope, I am looking at this ever clearing path as confirmation that we are doing the right thing at the right time and that we will be pregnant soon.  This month even.  Is it too much to hope for?  I don’t think so.  It has been done before and why not now?  Why not us?  It could happen.

The other first I am fighting anxiety over is my first day back in class.  Thursday is the first day of the first of my last 5 classes.  Got that?  I had every intention of doing all my homework over the course of the weekend but I didn’t.  I did get 2 chapters read and most of my stuff done.  However, I also had to do laundry and clean and watch movie after movie on TBS.  (Boy that Pay if Forward sucks sweaty donkey balls, doesn’t it?  What a god-awful horrible ending.)  Anyway, I am joining a new group of people who have been together for over a year and I am nervous.  I am hoping it goes well and goes fast.  (No too fast thought because we just got to June and I am not ready to be in November yet.)  I am ready to finally be done with my Bachelor’s degree and I jump through the hoops of these last 5 classes to get there.  (Hey!  Just like I can jump through the hoops of FUS and insemination to get pregnant!  See what I did there?) 

Set the goal, meet the goal, and get the prize.  Let’s just hope it all works out that way…both for school and pregnancy.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Hope, believe, try, reach, live

I’m on the end of the crimson wave and it’s feeling good. I go in on Wednesday for my FUS (the ultrasound where they check my ovaries to see if I’m ovulating and if I am where I am in the cycle). Since this is my first one, I am not sure what to expect but mostly I am just expecting to have to go back in a day or so for one or two more. Still, is it wrong that I am so hopeful for this cycle? I know it’s our first one and that the chances are low we will conceive right away. In fact, my closest of friends are telling me not to get my hopes up and to just lay low with the expectations. Still, I can’t help but feel hopeful. All our tests came back normal/regular. I had the laparoscopy to clear up all the endometriosis and my tubes and uterus are free and clear. Shouldn’t I be optimistic? Shouldn’t I believe and hope for the best? We only get 6 shots at this. When I read of couples who have had 10, 11, 12, 15, 20…well my heart dive bombs a bit and I think maybe I’m naive to think we can do this in 6 or less. Still, I can’t help but hope.

Last night at a meeting we had for a planning committee we are on, Bob shared that we are trying to have a baby and you would have thought he had announced we WERE having a baby. People were so excited and Bob was so proud. I’ve never seen him so gentle and excited and celebratory that way before. We’ve been making plans. Plans! Plans for baby care. Plans for baby support. Plans for room arrangement. Plans for home ownership. Plans for college funds. Plans for naming said progeny. Plans! Are we crazy? Are we insane? Are we rubes believing so strongly in something and believing it will actually happen only to find we’ve been taken for fools? I don’t know. All I know is that in all of our hoping and dreaming about getting pregnant, it’s never seemed so real, so close, so actual. It’s like the brass ring and the carousel. I’m riding my horse and I’m riding by the ring. I can see the ring and when I reach out to touch it, I can just barely get a grasp. It’s right there and yet I can’t claim it as my own just yet.

Life happens when you’re living it and stuff can come at you that feels like office furniture being hurled at you at top speed.
Kevyn Burger can tell you that. So can Noreen. So can the Punnetts. So can each and every woman on every infertility and mommy blog I’ve ever read (Cecily, Julie, Julia, etc.) Still, would any of these people tell me not to try? Not to reach for the brass ring? Not to hope or believe? I don’t think so. I think that is where you find the meaty morsels. If we try and fail, at least we tried and we most likely met some nice people (and even friends) along the way. Maybe our story helps someone else to try and succeed. But if we don’t even venture out to try at all, well, that’s a failure in itself and that’s no way to live at all.

I was talking to Bob last night about how hard he is on himself when he fails or messes up. He flogs himself verbally over and over and doesn’t let up. If he had a whip, I have no doubt he would send that thing over his own back hundred of times in order to assuage himself of whatever guilt he’s built up over a mistake. Even though I have struggled with my own faith and feelings towards God this past year, I have no doubt that the guilt he’s feeling is not from God. It’s too dark and too much of a burden and instead of building him up, only discourages him. In our conversation, he told me I do the same thing when it comes to conception. I have taken on the roll of sole owner of conception and any problems we have conceiving have become MINE. He’s right. We’ve been diagnosed with mystery infertility. There is no clear or logical reason we haven’t conceived and yet I have made this MY issue. I’m old. I had endometriosis. My cervical fluid is inhospitable to sperm (my own diagnosis…nothing has been done to confirm or deny this). I don’t tip my hips for 15 minutes after sex. I, I, I, me, me, me. Seriously, why do I do this? Is it because I need some kind of answer, any answer at all? Or is it because I feel it’s I’m a failure as a woman because my body is not doing something it has been specifically designed to do? Or is it better to name it myself before someone else names it for me? Who knows? All I do know is that both me and Bob would do well to go easier on ourselves and remember a little thing called GRACE abounds in the love of God.

On a different note (well, not that different it would seem) did you know that there is a woman here in the Twin Cities pregnant with sextuplets? There is! She is Minnesota’s first woman pregnant with sextuplets ever. Clomid didn’t work for her so they put her on another drug (I’m not quite as up to date on my fertility drugs, but I’m thinking it was an injectable). It caused her to hyper-ovulate. They thought she ovulated 3 eggs but when she got pregnant with the 6, they did some more thorough testing and it seemed she ovulated 10 eggs. THIS is why we don’t want to go beyond Clomid. Yet when I hear the Clomid didn’t work for her, I get scared again that her story is my story and it won’t work for me either. Hope, believe, try, reach, live.