Friday, December 30, 2005
On my way home from work, I picked up a pizza, some DVDs, and ice cream for Bob. I intended to put away all of the Christmas stuff tonight, but decided to let it be until tomorrow. Tomorrow is when I intend to perform a massive cleaning effort and Christmas de-decorate. It is also the night we are having friends over to celebrate the New Year.
I finally got my New Year letter done. I will be assembling on Sunday or Monday and mailing on Tuesday. I hope it brings people hope that things can get better, even in the midst of chaos and trouble.
Last night was the double shower at my in-laws house. As predicted, it was hard. It was fun to begin with, but seeing that little rounded belly and the adorable baby clothes and hearing multiple references to "her" and "the baby" were very difficult. I ended up leaving early. In fact, I was the first one out. I made reference to the long drive and having to work the next day, but once in the car, I cried. I stopped long enough to call Bob and tell him I was on my way, but started again after we hung up. It started snowing pretty heavily so I had to calm down again in order to drive cautiously. When I got home, I poured myself a glass of wine, turned off all the lights except the Christmas tree and cried some more. Sometimes the pain is so great it is almost physical. Bob is great. He tries to understand and is good about holding me and comforting me, but my pain and grief baffles him. To be honest, it baffles me too. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could just accept our life as it is. But I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I feel so empty and half-there. I feel like I can't be whole until I have a baby. I can't explain it but I feel it so deeply that I cry after attending a baby shower for someone else.
I went to bed soon after the crying fest but woke up at about 4am with a horrible, throbbing pain in my foot. It wasn't a charlie horse, but it was very painful. I came out to the living room where Bob was watching Cheap Seats on ESPN. He rubbed my foot while we laughed together at the show. It felt better after about a half hour so we went to bed. When my alarm went off at 6:30, I could barely get up. I was really tired but I got to work and found a veritable ghost town. There were only 4 of us in my department and 4 on the phone team. Thankfully, we were let go at 3. Lovely! I did manage to get quite a bit done today, but so many bankers were out of the office that I did have to leave quite a bit until Tuesday too.
We got a sweet gift from a friend of mine yesterday. She just moved to Bozeman, MT and sent us "authentic" MT huckleberry gifts. They include honey, jam, chocolate, and hot cocoa. Mmmm. Can't wait to dig in. What a sweetie.
We leave for Florida in two weeks. I can't wait. I started buying trashy magazines to read on the plane and making sure all our reservations are set and documented with hard copies. With this snow and the coming cold, 10 days in Florida will be heavenly.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
So, it’s another grey day here in Minnesocold. Although to be honest, it’s not actually that cold here lately. In fact, it’s been about 20 degrees warmer than is normal for this time of year. BUT the weather-heads have been warning us that imminent snow is on the way and we could have 4-8 inches by tomorrow night. So then it will be grey and white.
Tonight is the shower for the in-law nephews and their women. I didn’t know it was to be a surprise party and could have blown it. I had to call their mom and left a message on voicemail asking which of the 2 single sons was getting married and what his fiancée’s name was. She told me that they didn’t know about it so she couldn’t talk long. Thankfully, they didn’t hear the message and don’t have any idea that something is up. That could have really backfired and made me the butt of in-law jokes for years to come (not that I’m not already, of course). I did get out during lunch and purchased gift cards for both boys and their women. I also bought greeting cards to slip them in. I can’t believe what greeting cards go for now days. My favorite card was $4.50! That’s almost half what the actual gift card cost. I didn’t get it, I refuse to pay that much for paper that’s just going to end up in the trash anyway. So it should be an interesting evening tonight. Still struggling with the thought that my nephew’s child will be older than my own child, should our child come at all.
Last night I went to my aunt and uncle’s house for what I thought was a family get together. At my family Christmas shin dig, there was talk of getting together last Wednesday night at one of the uncle’s house in order to spend more time with an uncle that is from out of state. But before THAT, another uncle set up a dinner at his house for last night for the family in order to spend time with his wife and daughter who were missing from the family Christmas shin dig. I missed the first family dinner last Wednesday night because Bob and I had to go Christmas shopping. But there was no way I would miss the family dinner this Wednesday night as my cousin is a good friend of mine and I’ve missed her since she moved to LA some time ago. I pulled up to their house in the gorgeous Linden Hills neighborhood and was slightly surprised to see no other cars on the street. I parked, rang the doorbell, and saw that I was the only one present other than their immediate family. Turns out, it had been decided at last week’s family dinner that one family dinner and one family Christmas is enough in one month. However, they eagerly invited me in, set an extra place at the table and poured me a glass of yummy chardonnay. I found out that they were celebrating their son’s birthday early and had made a yummy Mexican dinner in his honor, so…my mistake turned out to be a great deal for my tummy.
I was surprised when my uncle said grace before the meal. I am pretty sure that in the past their family has just recited a traditional catholic prayer over dinner. But this time, he prayed an actual conversational prayer. It was nice. They have had a really tough 2005 and my prayers go out on their behalf for a better 2006. They really deserve it. So, it was a nice evening spent talking, eating, imbibing a bit, and just catching up. A good time was had by all even if it was only immediate family, me and my cousin’s girlfriend. I had intended to take my leave soon after dinner but ended up staying until 10.
There is a guy at work that has increased my anxiety level 10-fold. I will call this guy Newbie. He’s young and fairly nice, but when he talks on the phone, he has a naturally loud voice. He sits right in front of me and I can’t help but hear every word he speaks. It’s quite distracting. Not only that, but when he gets frustrated (which is often), he mutes his headset and swears and yells at the banker on the other end, making me jump every time. I am hoping his manager talks to him soon and gives him some anger management techniques. He takes everything so personally and allows the bankers to really get his dander up. I pray for him to take PTO days.
The baby Jesus was left alone last night. He was safe and sound in his own little manger bed. I don’t know if this means that Maisey has gotten bored with the game, or if she is just lulling us into a false sense of security. Or maybe Maisey went to diversity training and is learning to respect our beliefs. Hee.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Today was much better at work. There was a lot more to do and in fact, I am leaving some work still in my inbox for tomorrow. The frustrating thing has been trying to reach bankers at the banks. So many of them are off this week, it is hard to get things straight and settled by the end of the quarter/year when all I get are emails and voicemails telling me they won’t be back until the 3rd. Good luck with that then.
One of our little neighbor friends made us a baby Jesus in the manger for Christmas. It’s the cutest thing. I will have to take a photo so you can appreciate it’s cuteness. He cut a toilet paper roll in half and then glued them roll sides together. Then he glued broken up hard spaghetti to one side and then placed a tiny doll in the “manger”. We thought it was super cute and we placed it in a place of honor…right on top of the entertainment center…front and center. Someone in our household does not appreciate the cuteness of the baby Jesus though. Every morning I come out of my bedroom only to find the baby Jesus on the floor. The manger is still front and center and barely disturbed but baby Jesus has fallen to the floor and sits so sadly by himself. We figured out pretty quickly that the culprit is Maisey. She’s a heathen cat. She did this thing in front of Bob last night. She jumped to the top of the entertainment center. Sat her butt down right next to the manger and swatted the baby Jesus with one quick swipe and watched as he fell to the floor. Brat. I have to take my Christmas decorations down now just to spite the cat.
Bob’s wheelchair has been rapidly losing power. His batteries have only allowed him to go to the store and back even after 16 hours of full charging. Poor guy. So today I called MDA to find out when he can get new batteries. They said he can get them today! He is allotted a certain amount of money every year for new batteries and so far, he’s only used $60 of it. So he called our medical supply place and is getting the new batteries on Friday. Whoot! It pays to call, even when you think you’ve already used your allotment for the year.
I’m kind of crabby today. And my lower back is achey. No reason why it should be achey…it just is. And little things are irritating me. Think I’m premenstrual? It’s not due for another 2 weeks, so I’m not sure that’s the issue right now. I feel all bloated too, though, so maybe that is the issue. The raging hormones stopped Monday night. I can almost actually pinpoint the exact time they went away. I think I’m hitting my sexual peak. Isn’t that supposed to happen to women in their mid to late 30’s? All I know is from day 8 of my cycle to day 14, all I could think about was…”adult relations”. Then it stopped as rapidly as they appeared. Anyway, I don’t think it’s PMS quite yet.
Tonight I am going to my aunt and uncle’s for dinner. My California cousin is in town and this may be my only chance to see her. Can’t. Wait. Tomorrow night I have to go to a shower for Bob’s nephews. One is getting married and one is expecting a baby with his wife. I suspect it may be difficult for me, but we’re family and so, you know. After that it’s Friday and the dawn of another 3 day weekend. After that, it’s only 12 days to vacation. It has been so cloudy here lately. I need sun!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
This is a test of the email function of my new blog. Theoretically I am supposed to be able to write an entry and send it to a special email address that will post directly to the blog. So, I am writing this in an email to that address in hopes it will work. If it does, color me tickled.
I am back at work today but so don’t feel like being here. Yesterday I started getting bored with being home and TV and the like and was actually happy I had work the next day. But now that I’m here, I just wish I was at home watching TV, crocheting, and playing on my laptop. Yesterday those very things were boring the life out of me; today they are all I can think of. Grass is greener syndrome. Part of the problem is that things at work are super slow and I have to come up with things to keep busy. I could ask for stuff to do, but it’s like telling your mom that you are bored in the summer. The things she can come up with for you to do are 100 times worse than anything you can dream up for yourself to keep busy. So I am getting my files cleaned out and whittled down and updating my contacts list and other sundry stuff I normally don’t have time to do.
I wish it was Friday so I had another 3 day weekend sitting just ahead of me. We aren’t doing much for New Years though. Just having a couple of friends over to play games and watch movies. I so need to clean though. And I’m debating taking down all the Christmas stuff before they come over. Once Christmas is done, it’s done, but I usually like to leave the stuff up until the 1st. But this year it’s driving me crazy so it may have to come down beforehand. Plus the tree is dry and not taking in any more water and is dropping needles and ornaments all over. I may have to take it all down tonight now that I am stewing about it. Bob may not be happy about it, but bah. I may leave the lights on the balcony though. They look way cool and aren’t “Christmassy” in design. Just colored lights ringing our balcony railing. For some reason we don’t have a porch light on that balcony so the lights actually come in handy. Maybe I will exchange the colored lights for white ones which are more generic and could function as a romantic mood lighting all year round. Anyway, I have decided the Christmas stuff is coming down this week, if not tonight. Yay!
Our vacation is fast approaching and I cannot wait. I was looking at our pictures from last year and remembering how great it was. I am hoping this year is just as fun if not more. I need to get online and buy our Sea World tickets. They are cheaper if you buy them online versus purchasing them once we get there. Too bad we aren’t FL residents though. FL residents get a super deep discount on tickets if they can prove residency. Oh well, we are still going and are looking forward to it. It’s a shame these places are so pricey though. I don’t know how a family of 4 or more can afford it. After this year, we are saving for a cruise. I have to research accessibility, but we really want to take a cruise since we’ve never been. That or an all-inclusive resort somewhere tropical and warm. I don’t know how accessible those places are either, but we are up for a little more adventure than our FL vacations have offered. We like Florida, but we are ready for more sun and sand, I think.
We are still waiting to hear if Bob has been accepted to the service dog organization. We found out last week that one of our referrals is still missing. Turns out, he had not received the form because he had moved and the form wasn’t forwarded. So we had a new one sent to his new address and the service dog place should get it this week. Hopefully we will find out next week if Bob has been accepted and what the next step is. 2006 will be the year of the dog for us…we hope.
I finally got our holiday newsletter done. I know we are too late for Christmas, but my hope is to get it out right after the first (before the 8th) so it is in time for New Years. I even managed to keep it to one page, one side. Who knew I could do that? Look for it soon in a mailbox near you.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Bob and I took a nap in the afternoon and when we got up, instead of making the stuffed porkchops I'd defrosted, we just had leftovers. My dad called to wish us Merry Christmas and to ask for help with his digital camera.
And that's it. Our day was just spent hanging out, napping, eating, and resting. It rocked!
Last night I had weird dreams. I remember having some kind of nightmare but Bob woke me up and held me. I also remember going over to "Cheers" to talk with Sam. I met with him and told him that in all the time we've known each other, he never once tried to make out with me and how much that hurt me. Then I showed up at the wedding of a friend in just a t-shirt and underwear and was mortified. So, dream world was a little weird last night.
This morning we were watching the birds eat from our birdfeeder when all of a sudden a little furry beast jumped at our sliding glass door. It was a squirrel and he was trying to get into the apartment. The cats were going crazy and he didn't seem fazed by them at all. In fact, he didn't seem fazed by much. He didn't even have a tail. We call him Stubby. He ran across the sidewalk and looked for all the world like a grey bunny with his small head, big ears, and stubby stumpy tail. He was a FAT little guy though, so no fears about him being able to take care of himself.
I've been watching MTV's Sweet 16 and I have to say these kids are the most superficial, spoiled, bratty, out of touch kids I've ever seen. They spend an obscene amount of money and don't think a thing of it. Their parents don't say no and in fact, seem to encourage this. It's outrageous and I end up getting so angry and yet I can't turn the channel or turn away. It's like watching a horrible accident.
Christmas is hard without kids. I keep thinking of scenerios of having children and the traditions we can create within our family. I hope it happens one day. Truthfully, if I don't get pregnant this month, I don't know how else it's going to happen.
Today has been a great day off of work and it's the nicest cap to a really wonderful holiday.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
This is just a test to see how good a fit Blogger is. So far, I think I like it. You don't have to be a member to leave comments, I can post photos on my entries, there is a sidebar for extra links, and I can post html right in my posts. Plus, it's free and I can post via email which will work well when I happen to be on break at work and think of something good to write. Score! A new home for the new year. Welcome!