Friday, September 26, 2008

Let me be clear

My friend was discharged from the hospital today. I had planned on visiting her today but she called early on to tell me she was sprung and heading home. Let me be clear about my struggle with K's pregnancy. My struggle was NOT about her being pregnant (OK, maybe a little of it was) but instead it was about the fact that she was 9 weeks pregnant, had seen me, talked to me on the phone, and had not told me. The rest of our friends (6 other ladies that meet regularly) all knew and kept it from me. She thought that she was sparing me by waiting to tell me until conditions were right. As I told her today, I don't think there is any possible scenario that could have happened to make her news not hurtful to me (other than me being pregnant at the same time). That's just the way it is. I also told her that just because I am struggling with how things are doesn't mean I'm not happy for her. I am. I am thrilled they are having a baby at this stage in their life. It's a nice little surprise that will really make their family fun. I just wish I could share the experience with her. She asked if we were still getting together at my place next Friday and I said we were but that I might not know how to pray. Right now my whole attitude towards God is WTF? She laughed and agreed she knows how that feels. I still just cannot wrap my head around it though. The woman who has held my hand, believed with all she is, prayed with fervor and heart for something she believes will happen, and has listened to me cry hundreds of times is herself carrying the child we thought would be mine. Well, not exactly mine. I didn't impregnate her. We just thought I would be pregnant...not her.

Let me also be clear about our infertility. Infertility is defined as trying to get pregnant for a year without pregnancy. If you are over 35 the definition changes to 6 months without a pregnancy. We've been trying for...well, it will be 7 years on Monday. I've never been pregnant.

We went to the doctor and fixed what we could. I had dye run through my tubes to see if they were stopped up but the dye flowed freely. I had an operation that removed scar tissue and endometriosis. I had another operation that removed a pollyp from my uterus. I had 3 inseminations last year and another 3 this year before my insurance ran out. Bob was tested and while his sperm showed low motility, everything else looked fine. We assumed that the low motility was due to the water weight he'd put on and his heart/respitory issues. Now that those are doing OK, he should be better but he's not been tested for over a year.

We have done all that we can do medically and financially. Now that I'm not employed, we don't have medical insurance (though Bob qualifies and is in the midst of being approved for Medicare.) and we no longer qualify to be foster parents. Needless to say, without my income we don't have a lot of money so at this point, adoption is not an option either. Not that we would necessarily qualify for adoption either. A lot of agencies we looked at have medical, financial, and age qualifiers that we didn't meet.

So at this point we have done all we can do. We still try to get pregnant every month. We still pray for a miracle. But 7 years is a long time to want something, try for something, and be denied at every turn. I have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am OK with never being a parent, never having children. But then something like K announcing her pregnancy happens and all of a sudden, I'm torn from my place of acceptance and transported to a place of want, need, and intense desire for a child. I would LOVE to live in a place of a acceptance. I would love to be able to just let go of this and live my life with my husband. I try. I pray. I "give it over". Yet I cannot let go. It is a painful place and I hate it. Now that I'm 40, I am nearing an age where eventually I will just have to accept it is not going to happen and be OK with it. But with every period coming regularly every month there is still hope and because there is hope I seem to be unable to let go completely. It's something I'm still working on.

Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.

4 comments:

Laura said...

And let me be clear -- if I hurt your feelings in any way, I most sincerely apologize. I just didn't want you to have to "accept" if you still had more options to try. I think WTF is an appropriate and just response to this news, btw. I am thinking of you and praying for you. It ISN'T fair.

Rachelle said...

I would urge your husband to get tested again. There are treatments / nature methods that he could use if he is still having issues. During my own struggle I was told by all the Doctors that 50% of fertility issues are on the male side. These test should also be covered for him, even in your current situation.

I'm praying for you.

Laura said...

I was in a similar situation to your friend once. What I felt was a tremendous amount of guilt. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my friend's fault, but still, I felt so very guilty. Why should I be so blessed while she was so hurt? How could I express my joy in my child without scraping her heart raw? It was heartbreaking to know that my joy hurt her, so hard for both of us. We got through it, but not without a few missteps. I am glad (I read the next post) that you are still friends. My heart goes out to you.

Laura said...

Oh! I just realized I have the same name as your friend! This is a *different* Laura! (Good grief...)