Sunday, January 04, 2009
New Blog
New year, new Blog home. I am going to be writing here: http://continuallycaptivated.blogspot.com. Come join me won't you?
Monday, December 15, 2008
No Birthday Here
Here is the weather outlook for today and the coming week: 
Don't you wish you lived here? Man! It's cold. How did the early settlers and Indians survive in this weather? For that matter, how do livestock and wild animals survive? It is bitterly cold. It is so cold that they are saying exposed skin could be frostbitten in 5 minutes today! Brrrrrrr.
We had a fairly good weekend. I baked a bunch of cookies on Friday; gingersnaps and peanut butter blossoms. I also made a batch of mint brownies. I wanted to take a plate to Bob's family Christmas get together and also have some to give to friends. I had a bit of a cookie emergency though when I realized I could not find our cookie cutters. I have no idea where they are. Thankfully my friend Laurie came to the rescue and loaned me a few of hers. I was also able to pick up a couple of new cutters at the grocery store. Turns out it wasn't as much of an emergency as one would think since I didn't get to the cut out cookies at all.
Saturday Bob and I were going to volunteer with our church's service project. However Bob was feeling so bad. He was in more pain than I've seen him in a long time. So he stayed home and rested while I went to the project. It was awesome. We were helping the Plymouth Christian Youth Center. They were hosting their annual childrens shopping event. Each child bought a ticket for $1 and can then come and shop tables of brand new items for up to 5 members of their family. It was awesome and the kids learn the joy of giving to others. They were so excited to pick out presents for their siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Each kid was also given a stuffed animal and a candy cane. There was live music and lots of fun for all.
Saturday evening we were supposed to go to Bob's family Christmas shin dig but Bob was still feeling crappy so we opted to stay home. When he pushes himself at times like that, it takes days for him to recover. So, no in-law family Christmas for us this year. Poor Bob. He was bummed but somewhat relieved because of all the pain he was in. I could tell he had been trying to get ready to go but when he decided he couldn't, it actually seemed to take some of the pressure to perform away and he seemed a little better. So we spent the rest of the day at home just chilling. I made chili, we ate cookies, and I uploaded pictures from the service event.
Sunday was my birthday but it was the birthday I did not celebrate. We went to church (which was awesome!) and even made it to the early service. Afterwards we were interviewed by 2 people who would like us to lead a ministry/meal group in our area of the Metro. That seemed to go well though both Bob and I admitted that we can't begin to know when to shut up. On the way to church, it was raining hard and we were wary of driving but with temps in the 40's, it wasn't bad...yet.
After church we came home and had lunch while we waited for the Lifeline lady to come and install the Lifeline system for Bob. Once she came, it took her all of 10 minutes to install and test the system and then she left. I feel so much better now that Bob has this. He wears a medallion around his neck with a bottom he can press if he falls or hurts himself and I'm not here. The signal is sent to our hospital and they ask him if he is hurt. If he is, they will send an ambulance and then call me and let me know what's going on. If he isn't, they just consider it a test. This takes such a burden off of me now.
Later on Sunday, I left to go to our church baptism service. I was asked to take pictures and gladly agreed. I got there early and set up but ended up moving when the dunking actually started because I was facing the wrong way. After the service was a potluck like I'd never seen. Lots of fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, yams, honey ham, and a chicken curry dish that made me think I'd died and gone to heaven. So good!
After the service I came home and Bob and I had birthday cake; pink frosted angel food cake with sprinkles. Yum. Then we just chilled out, kept warm, and went to bed. The perfect way to spend a birthday I didn't want to celebrate.
Today we awoke in the frozen tundra. Our apartment faces Northwest and it is freezing! Our cats are piled together in order to keep warm. This is when a wood floor is not so wonderful. Carpet is a terrific insulator and keeps the feet warm. Thankfully I have a couple pairs of warm slippers. Also, I will be making those cut out sugar cookies today and having the oven on will do wonders to keep us all warm.
Don't you wish you lived here? Man! It's cold. How did the early settlers and Indians survive in this weather? For that matter, how do livestock and wild animals survive? It is bitterly cold. It is so cold that they are saying exposed skin could be frostbitten in 5 minutes today! Brrrrrrr.
We had a fairly good weekend. I baked a bunch of cookies on Friday; gingersnaps and peanut butter blossoms. I also made a batch of mint brownies. I wanted to take a plate to Bob's family Christmas get together and also have some to give to friends. I had a bit of a cookie emergency though when I realized I could not find our cookie cutters. I have no idea where they are. Thankfully my friend Laurie came to the rescue and loaned me a few of hers. I was also able to pick up a couple of new cutters at the grocery store. Turns out it wasn't as much of an emergency as one would think since I didn't get to the cut out cookies at all.
Saturday Bob and I were going to volunteer with our church's service project. However Bob was feeling so bad. He was in more pain than I've seen him in a long time. So he stayed home and rested while I went to the project. It was awesome. We were helping the Plymouth Christian Youth Center. They were hosting their annual childrens shopping event. Each child bought a ticket for $1 and can then come and shop tables of brand new items for up to 5 members of their family. It was awesome and the kids learn the joy of giving to others. They were so excited to pick out presents for their siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Each kid was also given a stuffed animal and a candy cane. There was live music and lots of fun for all.
Saturday evening we were supposed to go to Bob's family Christmas shin dig but Bob was still feeling crappy so we opted to stay home. When he pushes himself at times like that, it takes days for him to recover. So, no in-law family Christmas for us this year. Poor Bob. He was bummed but somewhat relieved because of all the pain he was in. I could tell he had been trying to get ready to go but when he decided he couldn't, it actually seemed to take some of the pressure to perform away and he seemed a little better. So we spent the rest of the day at home just chilling. I made chili, we ate cookies, and I uploaded pictures from the service event.
Sunday was my birthday but it was the birthday I did not celebrate. We went to church (which was awesome!) and even made it to the early service. Afterwards we were interviewed by 2 people who would like us to lead a ministry/meal group in our area of the Metro. That seemed to go well though both Bob and I admitted that we can't begin to know when to shut up. On the way to church, it was raining hard and we were wary of driving but with temps in the 40's, it wasn't bad...yet.
After church we came home and had lunch while we waited for the Lifeline lady to come and install the Lifeline system for Bob. Once she came, it took her all of 10 minutes to install and test the system and then she left. I feel so much better now that Bob has this. He wears a medallion around his neck with a bottom he can press if he falls or hurts himself and I'm not here. The signal is sent to our hospital and they ask him if he is hurt. If he is, they will send an ambulance and then call me and let me know what's going on. If he isn't, they just consider it a test. This takes such a burden off of me now.
Later on Sunday, I left to go to our church baptism service. I was asked to take pictures and gladly agreed. I got there early and set up but ended up moving when the dunking actually started because I was facing the wrong way. After the service was a potluck like I'd never seen. Lots of fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, yams, honey ham, and a chicken curry dish that made me think I'd died and gone to heaven. So good!
After the service I came home and Bob and I had birthday cake; pink frosted angel food cake with sprinkles. Yum. Then we just chilled out, kept warm, and went to bed. The perfect way to spend a birthday I didn't want to celebrate.
Today we awoke in the frozen tundra. Our apartment faces Northwest and it is freezing! Our cats are piled together in order to keep warm. This is when a wood floor is not so wonderful. Carpet is a terrific insulator and keeps the feet warm. Thankfully I have a couple pairs of warm slippers. Also, I will be making those cut out sugar cookies today and having the oven on will do wonders to keep us all warm.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Good News Bad News Kinda Day
Today has been crazy. Crazy, I tell you!
Bad News: I got earlier than normal because I had some homework to finish up. When I loaded the pictures, I saw that all the changes I'd made in Photoshop the night before had not saved! So I had to do everything all over again. Grrrr.
Good News: Bob's social worker called and said she was going to order a portable ramp for him so that he can have access to places with, at most, 2 stairs! We can just throw the ramp in the van for when we need it. Also, they are going to cover the Ensure his dietitian recommended and 3 cases were ordered for us. Yay!
Bad/Good News: The medical supply company we were working with to get Bob's new chair is not Medicare certified so we can't use them for the chair. However, this was caught in time so we don't need to go through another whole evaluation, we just need to switch medical supply companies. We now have to work with a company we'd had rough relations with in the past. However, it seems those issues have been worked out and they are now a better company to deal with. So, Grrrr to start but Yay on the finish.
Good News: Meals on Wheels delivered their first meal to Bob today. Yay!
Bad News: He thought it started next week so was not home to receive it. Grrrr.
Good News: He's aware of the schedule now so will be home at delivery time from now on. Yay!
Good News: A lady is coming to help keep our apartment clean 3 hours a week. She starts on the 15th and will just do the basic cleaning like dusting, vacuuming, mopping, etc. Yay!
Good News: I emailed our church to see if they have any accessible small groups Bob and I can join so we can get to know people there. I received an email back saying it would be an answer to prayer if WE would consider hosting a home/meal group. Seems they've been looking for a host/leader in the West Metro. I talked to Bob and he's all for it. Yay!
Good News: I may have found someone to buy our antique/family heirloom dressers.
Bad News: His offer was much lower than I'd asked. Not sure how that will play out.
Good News: I was able to rearrange my class schedule for next semester so all my classes are now on Tuesday (starting at 8am and going through 8pm).
Bad News: This means I am unable to attend our church's women's small group I'd wanted to join. There are other groups but the one I wanted to join meets every Tuesday night. Sigh.
Good News: I can apply for scholarships at school to help offset the cost of school and the equipment I always need to buy. Yay!
Bad News: I missed the deadline for next semester by 3 days! Grrrr.
Good News: I can keep the application and resubmit it for Fall 2009 in March or April. Grray
Good News: Because Bob is on Medicare, his SSI disability check distribution day had to be switched from the end of the month to the first of the month. (I don't know why.) That means we got paid at the end of November and paid our December rent with that and our January rent will be paid at the first of January so our December paycheck is like an extra payday in our pocket! We used it to catch up on the bills we'd fallen behind on. It was like a cool drink of water and so timely! Yay!
Good News: Because of that nice little boost to our personal economy, I had a little extra cash in my pocket and was able to stop at my new favorite Indian restaurant. Turns out, you can get the buffet to go for about $7! I had a lovely lunch...and leftovers for dinner. It's all about the little things. :-) Yay!
OK, so it looks like the good news outweighs the bad news here. I'm just so bummed about missing the scholarship deadline that those feelings are weighing a little heavy on my right now. I'll get over it. In the meantime, anyone want to sponsor me this next semester? I can put your logo on my camera, bag, and tripod! Never hurts to ask.
Bad News: I got earlier than normal because I had some homework to finish up. When I loaded the pictures, I saw that all the changes I'd made in Photoshop the night before had not saved! So I had to do everything all over again. Grrrr.
Good News: Bob's social worker called and said she was going to order a portable ramp for him so that he can have access to places with, at most, 2 stairs! We can just throw the ramp in the van for when we need it. Also, they are going to cover the Ensure his dietitian recommended and 3 cases were ordered for us. Yay!
Bad/Good News: The medical supply company we were working with to get Bob's new chair is not Medicare certified so we can't use them for the chair. However, this was caught in time so we don't need to go through another whole evaluation, we just need to switch medical supply companies. We now have to work with a company we'd had rough relations with in the past. However, it seems those issues have been worked out and they are now a better company to deal with. So, Grrrr to start but Yay on the finish.
Good News: Meals on Wheels delivered their first meal to Bob today. Yay!
Bad News: He thought it started next week so was not home to receive it. Grrrr.
Good News: He's aware of the schedule now so will be home at delivery time from now on. Yay!
Good News: A lady is coming to help keep our apartment clean 3 hours a week. She starts on the 15th and will just do the basic cleaning like dusting, vacuuming, mopping, etc. Yay!
Good News: I emailed our church to see if they have any accessible small groups Bob and I can join so we can get to know people there. I received an email back saying it would be an answer to prayer if WE would consider hosting a home/meal group. Seems they've been looking for a host/leader in the West Metro. I talked to Bob and he's all for it. Yay!
Good News: I may have found someone to buy our antique/family heirloom dressers.
Bad News: His offer was much lower than I'd asked. Not sure how that will play out.
Good News: I was able to rearrange my class schedule for next semester so all my classes are now on Tuesday (starting at 8am and going through 8pm).
Bad News: This means I am unable to attend our church's women's small group I'd wanted to join. There are other groups but the one I wanted to join meets every Tuesday night. Sigh.
Good News: I can apply for scholarships at school to help offset the cost of school and the equipment I always need to buy. Yay!
Bad News: I missed the deadline for next semester by 3 days! Grrrr.
Good News: I can keep the application and resubmit it for Fall 2009 in March or April. Grray
Good News: Because Bob is on Medicare, his SSI disability check distribution day had to be switched from the end of the month to the first of the month. (I don't know why.) That means we got paid at the end of November and paid our December rent with that and our January rent will be paid at the first of January so our December paycheck is like an extra payday in our pocket! We used it to catch up on the bills we'd fallen behind on. It was like a cool drink of water and so timely! Yay!
Good News: Because of that nice little boost to our personal economy, I had a little extra cash in my pocket and was able to stop at my new favorite Indian restaurant. Turns out, you can get the buffet to go for about $7! I had a lovely lunch...and leftovers for dinner. It's all about the little things. :-) Yay!
OK, so it looks like the good news outweighs the bad news here. I'm just so bummed about missing the scholarship deadline that those feelings are weighing a little heavy on my right now. I'll get over it. In the meantime, anyone want to sponsor me this next semester? I can put your logo on my camera, bag, and tripod! Never hurts to ask.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Happy December
The semester is winding down. After this week there are only 2 weeks of school left before the Christmas break. I am ready for the break. And I'm ready for my next set of classes to start. This next semester won't be so shooting photos heavy since I have a business class, a photoshop class, and a photographer's assistant class. I do have a black and white film class that will require shooting and developing but I hardly think that one class will equal the amount of images I've had to shoot for my three current classes. I am so thankful for the education I'm getting. It's hella scary and intimidating though. I hope as I go I can keep up, grow, and get even better. I talked to some upper level classmen tonight and said how reluctant I am to submit anything to the photo club's photo contests. They encouraged me to submit anyway because how else will I learn and grow? I guess. I am just a first semester student who only knows first semester stuff. How can I compete against students who have been in classes far longer than I have? Still, it doesn't hurt to try does it?
Bob continues to be visited by people nearly every day. Monday he saw a speech therapist, today he saw his OT and a new nurse who assessed him for homemaking help. He qualifies for 3 hours a week which isn't a lot but we just need someone to do basic cleaning. The homemakers would also do laundry (including IRONING!), run errands, grocery shop, etc. We are just asking for the floors to be vacuumed, swept and mopped, the bathrooms to be cleaned, and the furniture to be dusted. Yay! This will really go a long way to help me not feel so overwhelmed around here.
Bob is being visited by both his OT and PT tomorrow and next week we are seeing the gentleman that is helping us with the grant. Bob is getting sick of the visits but it's far better for him to have these people come here than it is to have to take him to all of these appointments. Also, all of these people have been helping him (us) with managing his disease. He is learning better how to conserve his energy so he has the energy to do what he wants to/needs to do all day. I am learning things too. Like what works for him and what doesn't. For instance, right now we are looking for a buyer for our antique dressers because he doesn't have the strength to open them to get clothes out anymore. We hope to replace them with something more accessible...probably from Ikea...something with shelves instead of drawers. Also, I'm learning how to help him with stretches and limbering exercises. He's surprisingly flexible and stretchy but needs help with some things due to not having the muscles to move certain ways. I am also learning to make sure Bob has healthy, protien-rich foods available to him at all times. So now we are stocking the fridge with hard boiled/peeled eggs, string cheese, cottage cheese in single serve containers, Ensure, and such. This is so when I'm not here, he has easy to eat, energy ramping foods within reach.
All these visits and all this education is helpful but it's also like getting smacked in the face with reality. Bob's disease is progressive, it's incideous, it has no cure, and it results in him getting weaker and weaker and losing more and more strength. It's conceivable that at some point (and this is nothing we want to think about right now) he will need help transfering, bathing, toileting, and eating. He may get to a point where I will have to puree his food. He may get to a point where he can't stand or walk at all on his own. These things are things we may have to deal with at some point. There is no telling when or at what point. What is good to know is that we don't have to face this alone. We have help. We have family. We have a church family (finally!). We have friends. That is what we will chose to think on right now.
Oh and finally, this month I turn 41. I am not ready. I don't feel 41. I hang out with kids half my age all week and I have a really tough time seeing myself as their mothers' age(Or nearly) . I just don't feel that old. I feel silly even saying it. I think this is why women lie about their age. I don't feel it so why should I say it? From now on, I will say that I'm 35. Anyway, my birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm not looking forward to it for the first time...in forever. Bob wanted to throw me a party but I vehmently declined. Plus the last party I threw only brought about 6 or 7 of my friends. Why add the humiliation of turning 41 on to that?
Bob continues to be visited by people nearly every day. Monday he saw a speech therapist, today he saw his OT and a new nurse who assessed him for homemaking help. He qualifies for 3 hours a week which isn't a lot but we just need someone to do basic cleaning. The homemakers would also do laundry (including IRONING!), run errands, grocery shop, etc. We are just asking for the floors to be vacuumed, swept and mopped, the bathrooms to be cleaned, and the furniture to be dusted. Yay! This will really go a long way to help me not feel so overwhelmed around here.
Bob is being visited by both his OT and PT tomorrow and next week we are seeing the gentleman that is helping us with the grant. Bob is getting sick of the visits but it's far better for him to have these people come here than it is to have to take him to all of these appointments. Also, all of these people have been helping him (us) with managing his disease. He is learning better how to conserve his energy so he has the energy to do what he wants to/needs to do all day. I am learning things too. Like what works for him and what doesn't. For instance, right now we are looking for a buyer for our antique dressers because he doesn't have the strength to open them to get clothes out anymore. We hope to replace them with something more accessible...probably from Ikea...something with shelves instead of drawers. Also, I'm learning how to help him with stretches and limbering exercises. He's surprisingly flexible and stretchy but needs help with some things due to not having the muscles to move certain ways. I am also learning to make sure Bob has healthy, protien-rich foods available to him at all times. So now we are stocking the fridge with hard boiled/peeled eggs, string cheese, cottage cheese in single serve containers, Ensure, and such. This is so when I'm not here, he has easy to eat, energy ramping foods within reach.
All these visits and all this education is helpful but it's also like getting smacked in the face with reality. Bob's disease is progressive, it's incideous, it has no cure, and it results in him getting weaker and weaker and losing more and more strength. It's conceivable that at some point (and this is nothing we want to think about right now) he will need help transfering, bathing, toileting, and eating. He may get to a point where I will have to puree his food. He may get to a point where he can't stand or walk at all on his own. These things are things we may have to deal with at some point. There is no telling when or at what point. What is good to know is that we don't have to face this alone. We have help. We have family. We have a church family (finally!). We have friends. That is what we will chose to think on right now.
Oh and finally, this month I turn 41. I am not ready. I don't feel 41. I hang out with kids half my age all week and I have a really tough time seeing myself as their mothers' age(Or nearly) . I just don't feel that old. I feel silly even saying it. I think this is why women lie about their age. I don't feel it so why should I say it? From now on, I will say that I'm 35. Anyway, my birthday is in 2 weeks and I'm not looking forward to it for the first time...in forever. Bob wanted to throw me a party but I vehmently declined. Plus the last party I threw only brought about 6 or 7 of my friends. Why add the humiliation of turning 41 on to that?
Friday, November 28, 2008
Loving the New Floors and More
I am loving our new floors. They are really much easier to care for and definitely more beautiful than our old crappy carpet. Now that we are farther on the other side of the chaos that was getting them, I can say it was worth it. The cats are still getting used to them. There is a lot of sliding and slipping and scampering. Hee.
On Monday Bob received a lift recliner. He was so excited. It's a beautiful chair and Bob really likes it. Basically he has only lived in his wheelchair or his bed for the past 3 or 4 years. Other regular furniture is just too low for him to be able to get out of comfortably. So rather than sit down on our regular furniture and then struggle to get out of it, he just didn't sit in anything else. Now he has his own lift recliner and it's been heavenly for him.
Speaking of Bob, today we went to the clinic to meet with a team who assessed him for a new wheelchair. His is over 5 years old and has some mechanical problems. Also, it's not as good for him as it was over 5 years ago. His new chair with have some adaptive additions to help him with posture and pain. We are still a good 4 - 6 months away from actually getting said chair but we are on the road and we had a good start today. Now we wait for the medical supply company rep to call us. He will come out to our place to look over Bob's current chair and today's assessment.
Our Thanksgiving was OK. We had one with family yesterday and today we had one with neighbors. Yesterday's was one where I didn't have to do much other than host. Today I did everything and it was lovely. I made a turkey (of course), mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potato casserole, dressing (do not STUFF the bird), green bean hotdish, and left over scalloped corn and cheesy potatoes from yesterday's feast. Oh, and Sarah Lee rolls. It was so good. I don't usually toot my own horn, but I do admit to being a good cook. Everyone ate everything and pronounced it yummy. There were seconds and thirds offered and taken. People were sent home with leftovers and we still have some ourselves. Overall, a very successful post thanksgiving Thanksgiving was had and enjoyed. Plus I am using the turkey carcass to make a yummy wild rice and turkey soup. Score!
Things at school are winding down but are still going well. I am improving in my picture taking skills and finding new things to love and enjoy in it all. I had to take outdoor twilight/sunset photos of a skyline and while it was freezing, I got some of the best photos I've taken all semester. Tomorrow Bob and I are going to the Como Conservatory so I can complete a couple of other assignments. Classes end in 3 weeks and then we have a nice break before they start up in January again. When new classes start, I will be taking a black and white film photography class, a digital darkroom class, a photographer's assistant class, and a photography business class. I am really looking forward to next semester.
Leaving work in August was the scariest thing I've ever done and yet we haven't done so badly. Yes we are behind in some bills right now but we will catch up in January. Also, I am still waiting for some money from one of my Big Bank Co accounts but it's taking a long time for the paperwork to go through. Once it does we can pay off a bunch of stuff. Yay! Not so yay is the fact that since I've been home, I've seen how badly Bob's disease has progressed. He really does need someone to help him prep meals, get dressed/undressed, and be here in case he falls. He is being assessed for new life helps for showering, eating, dressing, etc. We even have to replace our current dressers with something more accessible for him because he can't pull the drawers out any more. Leaving work in August was the best thing I've ever done.
We found a new church. We think. We haven't been to a church regularly for nearly 2 years. We left our old church for a variety of reasons and never felt called or comfortable in any other church we visited until we started attending Sanctuary Covenant. On Sunday after the service we are meeting with the pastors and we are excited about attending church for the first time in over 3 years. We are also excited about what God might have us do in service to the body there.
On Monday Bob received a lift recliner. He was so excited. It's a beautiful chair and Bob really likes it. Basically he has only lived in his wheelchair or his bed for the past 3 or 4 years. Other regular furniture is just too low for him to be able to get out of comfortably. So rather than sit down on our regular furniture and then struggle to get out of it, he just didn't sit in anything else. Now he has his own lift recliner and it's been heavenly for him.
Speaking of Bob, today we went to the clinic to meet with a team who assessed him for a new wheelchair. His is over 5 years old and has some mechanical problems. Also, it's not as good for him as it was over 5 years ago. His new chair with have some adaptive additions to help him with posture and pain. We are still a good 4 - 6 months away from actually getting said chair but we are on the road and we had a good start today. Now we wait for the medical supply company rep to call us. He will come out to our place to look over Bob's current chair and today's assessment.
Our Thanksgiving was OK. We had one with family yesterday and today we had one with neighbors. Yesterday's was one where I didn't have to do much other than host. Today I did everything and it was lovely. I made a turkey (of course), mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potato casserole, dressing (do not STUFF the bird), green bean hotdish, and left over scalloped corn and cheesy potatoes from yesterday's feast. Oh, and Sarah Lee rolls. It was so good. I don't usually toot my own horn, but I do admit to being a good cook. Everyone ate everything and pronounced it yummy. There were seconds and thirds offered and taken. People were sent home with leftovers and we still have some ourselves. Overall, a very successful post thanksgiving Thanksgiving was had and enjoyed. Plus I am using the turkey carcass to make a yummy wild rice and turkey soup. Score!
Things at school are winding down but are still going well. I am improving in my picture taking skills and finding new things to love and enjoy in it all. I had to take outdoor twilight/sunset photos of a skyline and while it was freezing, I got some of the best photos I've taken all semester. Tomorrow Bob and I are going to the Como Conservatory so I can complete a couple of other assignments. Classes end in 3 weeks and then we have a nice break before they start up in January again. When new classes start, I will be taking a black and white film photography class, a digital darkroom class, a photographer's assistant class, and a photography business class. I am really looking forward to next semester.
Leaving work in August was the scariest thing I've ever done and yet we haven't done so badly. Yes we are behind in some bills right now but we will catch up in January. Also, I am still waiting for some money from one of my Big Bank Co accounts but it's taking a long time for the paperwork to go through. Once it does we can pay off a bunch of stuff. Yay! Not so yay is the fact that since I've been home, I've seen how badly Bob's disease has progressed. He really does need someone to help him prep meals, get dressed/undressed, and be here in case he falls. He is being assessed for new life helps for showering, eating, dressing, etc. We even have to replace our current dressers with something more accessible for him because he can't pull the drawers out any more. Leaving work in August was the best thing I've ever done.
We found a new church. We think. We haven't been to a church regularly for nearly 2 years. We left our old church for a variety of reasons and never felt called or comfortable in any other church we visited until we started attending Sanctuary Covenant. On Sunday after the service we are meeting with the pastors and we are excited about attending church for the first time in over 3 years. We are also excited about what God might have us do in service to the body there.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Settling Down
Well, Bob did his best and he did really well but when I got home from school, there was still a lot to do. Even though it was 10:00pm, I pushed up my sleeves, turned on some tunes, got out the cleaning supplies and went to work. I managed to get the kitchen and living room cleaned, organized, and arranged before the exhaustion really caught up with me and I had to go to bed. It was 3:00am.
The next morning I got up and started in with the cleaning once again. I had to work fast because Bob's physical therapist was coming over at 11 and another man from the county was coming over at 1:00. I managed to get our entertainment center set up and all the electronics working by the time the PT showed up.
Bob's PT is super nice and was very surprised at Bob's range of motion and flexibility. He really does have an ability to move and lift the muscles he is left with. It's kind of amazing. There are exercises I have to help him with, but surprisingly, those are few and far between. Bob does most of his exercises in his bed before he gets up in the morning. (He's less tired and more able to get them done first thing in the morning.) He's ingenious in the way he uses his bed for resistance.
After the PT left, another man from the county came by to talk to us about the program Bob qualified for. It's one that gives his an annual budget and with that budget he is able to pay people to come in and care for him. He can pay someone to clean, help him with meals, help him bath, get dressed, exercise, etc. He can also get a membership at the Y, hire a nutritionist, see a chiropractor or massage therapist. He can also get adaptive/assistive aids with this money. All this as long as he doesn't go over his budget. This is great news because there is a lot of stuff we have put on hold or gone without altogether because we couldn't afford it. Now Bob can afford these things and his life will get easier. The budget isn't huge, but it's enough. Also, I can get paid as Bob's personal care attendant. There are lots of checks and balances in place so as to not get in hot water with the budget and Bob can't pay me more than he would pay someone else to care for him. But with the money I get from my work study and the money I get from caring for Bob, we should be OK. Whoot! Another thing Bob is looking forward to is a YMCA membership. He wants to hire a personal trainer to work with him on flexibility since strength training is not an option. As his PCA, I can go and work out with him, so it benefits us both. Unfortunately, this program is slow moving so we won't officially be on it until January so right now we are just getting the paperwork done and jumping through the hoops set before us.
After all our meetings and more cleaning, we still had to go get the cats from the vet. I set out in the van to pick them up. On the way I called in a pizza to be ready for pick up on our way home. I got Maisey and Daisy first and buckled their carriers into the van. Then I got the large carrier that held both Zoe and Chloe. Chloe was crying that sad, mournful wail that cats use when they are at their scardiest. On the way to the van I caught a whiff of cat urine and it knocked me over. I'm not sure if she had peed her carrier prior to me picking her up and I just now smelled it or if she peed on the way out to the van. Either way, it reeked and I had to drive home, stop and pick up a pizza, and drive some more before getting them home. Gah!
Once home, I carried Maisey and Daisy's carriers up to our apartment but didn't let them out. Bob came with me to get the kittens (we still call them the kittens even though they'll be 3 in April). The smell of urine was so strong and gag inducing I had to step back. Once we got them into the apartment, we took the carrier to the bathroom hoping to coral them there while we cleaned them and the carrier up. However, the carrier is so big and our bathroom so small that both cats got out. Each one ran to a separate bedroom and hid. So now we had cat pee in the bathroom and both bedrooms. I carried the carrier to the patio and cried. I'd just spent hours cleaning up sawdust from everything we owned and now I'd have to clean cat pee from the rest of our stuff. Grrrr!
While I was on the patio having a meltdown, Bob was able to coral the kittens into the bathroom. I got myself pulled together and grabbed poor Chloe who looked to be the culprit of the peeing incident. She is normally a very fluffy and vain kitty. At this point her feet, tail, and tummy were all wet and she was acting sad/depressed/humiliated. Poor kitty. We ran a bath and bathed her as well as we could. Never having actually bathed any of our cats before, I wasn't sure how it would go but Chloe surprised us. She lay docilly in the water while we soaped and rinsed, soaped and rinsed her. As I soaped her throat and stomach, I could feel her puring away. Once clean, we lay her in a towel and wrapped her tight. She just lay there enjoying the act of us drying her off. Once dry enough, we let her go and she ran off to groom. We repeated the same with Zoe who, though not thrilled, let us bathe her with minimal effort. She did keep trying to get out of the bath but for the most part was compliant enough and never meowed or cried during the ordeal.
Once both cats were clean, we went to work on cleaning the cat pee from everything. I think we got it. Thankfully, it was all surface cleaning and not deep cleaning so that made things a bit easier. Still, I was overwhelmed and would be so thankful for a day that didn't involve cleaning things. Once everything was clean we were finally able to let Daisy and Maisey out of their carriers and FINALLY eat the pizza I'd picked up. The cats were all a little hesitant and freaked out but we knew they would settle down.
The next day, the cats all seemed in better spirits and more settled in. They were unsure of the new floor and there have been a couple of funny incidents when, while running, they couldn't catch their footing resulting in a cartoon like scene of cat feet moving but the cat not going anywhere. They also don't really like the sound Bob's wheels make on the floor but they will get used to it.
I was looking forward to Sunday since I didn't have anything planned other than church. Bob and I have been visiting a church we really like a lot. It's an urban church that meets in a school on the North side of Minneapolis. It's extremely diverse, quite large, and for some reason we feel at home there. Sunday was no different in our experience there. We really enjoyed the service and look forward to seeing if and how we might be called to serve there. Next Sunday we are going to an event called Pizza With the Pastors to meet the pastors and get our questions answered.
To end today's post, here are some photos of the new floor. Was it all worth it? Now that I'm on the other side of it I can say yes but last week I wasn't so sure.
Looking at living, dining, kitchen from bedroom area
Looking at living room into the bedroom from dining area
Looking at living room from dining room
Looking at living room from front entry
Santa Maisey
Santa Chloe
Santa Zoe
The next morning I got up and started in with the cleaning once again. I had to work fast because Bob's physical therapist was coming over at 11 and another man from the county was coming over at 1:00. I managed to get our entertainment center set up and all the electronics working by the time the PT showed up.
Bob's PT is super nice and was very surprised at Bob's range of motion and flexibility. He really does have an ability to move and lift the muscles he is left with. It's kind of amazing. There are exercises I have to help him with, but surprisingly, those are few and far between. Bob does most of his exercises in his bed before he gets up in the morning. (He's less tired and more able to get them done first thing in the morning.) He's ingenious in the way he uses his bed for resistance.
After the PT left, another man from the county came by to talk to us about the program Bob qualified for. It's one that gives his an annual budget and with that budget he is able to pay people to come in and care for him. He can pay someone to clean, help him with meals, help him bath, get dressed, exercise, etc. He can also get a membership at the Y, hire a nutritionist, see a chiropractor or massage therapist. He can also get adaptive/assistive aids with this money. All this as long as he doesn't go over his budget. This is great news because there is a lot of stuff we have put on hold or gone without altogether because we couldn't afford it. Now Bob can afford these things and his life will get easier. The budget isn't huge, but it's enough. Also, I can get paid as Bob's personal care attendant. There are lots of checks and balances in place so as to not get in hot water with the budget and Bob can't pay me more than he would pay someone else to care for him. But with the money I get from my work study and the money I get from caring for Bob, we should be OK. Whoot! Another thing Bob is looking forward to is a YMCA membership. He wants to hire a personal trainer to work with him on flexibility since strength training is not an option. As his PCA, I can go and work out with him, so it benefits us both. Unfortunately, this program is slow moving so we won't officially be on it until January so right now we are just getting the paperwork done and jumping through the hoops set before us.
After all our meetings and more cleaning, we still had to go get the cats from the vet. I set out in the van to pick them up. On the way I called in a pizza to be ready for pick up on our way home. I got Maisey and Daisy first and buckled their carriers into the van. Then I got the large carrier that held both Zoe and Chloe. Chloe was crying that sad, mournful wail that cats use when they are at their scardiest. On the way to the van I caught a whiff of cat urine and it knocked me over. I'm not sure if she had peed her carrier prior to me picking her up and I just now smelled it or if she peed on the way out to the van. Either way, it reeked and I had to drive home, stop and pick up a pizza, and drive some more before getting them home. Gah!
Once home, I carried Maisey and Daisy's carriers up to our apartment but didn't let them out. Bob came with me to get the kittens (we still call them the kittens even though they'll be 3 in April). The smell of urine was so strong and gag inducing I had to step back. Once we got them into the apartment, we took the carrier to the bathroom hoping to coral them there while we cleaned them and the carrier up. However, the carrier is so big and our bathroom so small that both cats got out. Each one ran to a separate bedroom and hid. So now we had cat pee in the bathroom and both bedrooms. I carried the carrier to the patio and cried. I'd just spent hours cleaning up sawdust from everything we owned and now I'd have to clean cat pee from the rest of our stuff. Grrrr!
While I was on the patio having a meltdown, Bob was able to coral the kittens into the bathroom. I got myself pulled together and grabbed poor Chloe who looked to be the culprit of the peeing incident. She is normally a very fluffy and vain kitty. At this point her feet, tail, and tummy were all wet and she was acting sad/depressed/humiliated. Poor kitty. We ran a bath and bathed her as well as we could. Never having actually bathed any of our cats before, I wasn't sure how it would go but Chloe surprised us. She lay docilly in the water while we soaped and rinsed, soaped and rinsed her. As I soaped her throat and stomach, I could feel her puring away. Once clean, we lay her in a towel and wrapped her tight. She just lay there enjoying the act of us drying her off. Once dry enough, we let her go and she ran off to groom. We repeated the same with Zoe who, though not thrilled, let us bathe her with minimal effort. She did keep trying to get out of the bath but for the most part was compliant enough and never meowed or cried during the ordeal.
Once both cats were clean, we went to work on cleaning the cat pee from everything. I think we got it. Thankfully, it was all surface cleaning and not deep cleaning so that made things a bit easier. Still, I was overwhelmed and would be so thankful for a day that didn't involve cleaning things. Once everything was clean we were finally able to let Daisy and Maisey out of their carriers and FINALLY eat the pizza I'd picked up. The cats were all a little hesitant and freaked out but we knew they would settle down.
The next day, the cats all seemed in better spirits and more settled in. They were unsure of the new floor and there have been a couple of funny incidents when, while running, they couldn't catch their footing resulting in a cartoon like scene of cat feet moving but the cat not going anywhere. They also don't really like the sound Bob's wheels make on the floor but they will get used to it.
I was looking forward to Sunday since I didn't have anything planned other than church. Bob and I have been visiting a church we really like a lot. It's an urban church that meets in a school on the North side of Minneapolis. It's extremely diverse, quite large, and for some reason we feel at home there. Sunday was no different in our experience there. We really enjoyed the service and look forward to seeing if and how we might be called to serve there. Next Sunday we are going to an event called Pizza With the Pastors to meet the pastors and get our questions answered.
To end today's post, here are some photos of the new floor. Was it all worth it? Now that I'm on the other side of it I can say yes but last week I wasn't so sure.
Looking at living, dining, kitchen from bedroom area
Looking at living room into the bedroom from dining area
Looking at living room from dining room
Looking at living room from front entry
Santa Maisey
Santa Chloe
Santa ZoeThursday, November 20, 2008
Be Careful What You Wish For
So we have new beautiful laminate floors in our apartment. We also have a nice find layer of wood dust on every single linear surface in our apartment. The guys who installed the flooring, cut it all inside our apartment which means we are left to clean up more dust than we had soot after the fire in April. Needless to say, I was a tad overwhelmed this morning as I surveyed the job before me. Still, the floors are beautiful.
We got up early yesterday, finished emptying the living and dining areas of furniture, boxed up the cats, and drove them to the vet's office. It wasn't much fun. Four kitties can make an awful racket when enclosed in a moving vehicle. Poor things. We were going to pick them up today but since we have to clean up the wood dust, we thought it best to leave them another day.
After dropping off the cats at the vet, we went to breakfast. I wanted to go to Key's but there wasn't really one near by so we settled on IHop. It wasn't a bad breakfast. I had a mushroom, swiss, spinach, tomato omelet while Bob had a ham and cheese omelet. We spent some time talking about life, money, the holidays, etc. and had a nice time lingering over coffee. After that, we went to Target to look for a couple of household items. Of course we left with more than our list showed we needed but that's always the way at Target. After Target we went to the wild bird store to exchange some suet. I had purchased some hot pepper suet because I was told the birds like it but the squirrels leave it alone. However, it seemed no one liked it. It just sat in our suet feeder getting old and yucky. I exchanged the red pepper suet for fruit and nut suet and that should make our downy woodpecker friends very happy.
We were told that the flooring guys were coming after 9am and should only take 3 to 4 hours. At this point it was about 11:30 and we still needed to kill a couple of hours. We did the only logical thing and saw a movie. Bob likes action and I like attractive men so we went to see the new James Bond movie. It was FULL of action and not as full of Daniel Craig as I would have liked. Still, it was an OK way to spend a couple of hours.
When we got back to our apartment building, the head maintenance man met us in the garage. He said the floor guys weren't done yet but that we could go upstairs to check it out. So we did. They had ripped out all the old carpet and were laying the under floor. Only one little strip of hallway had been finished with the wood floor. That was disappointing since we didn't have anything else to do to keep us busy and out of the way. Bob suggested he just go hang out at the gas station and I could go to school and work on any projects I had. That seemed logical so that's what we did.
Bob called me at school at nearly 7pm and told me the flooring guys were done and he was in the apartment but that the quarter round still had to be laid and the dust had to be cleaned up. When I got home I marvelled at the new floor. It was beautiful. Dusty, but really amazing. We couldn't begin cleaning up or moving things back in to the main living area until the quarter rounds were put in so we ended up going to bed. It was weird being there without the cats and Bob said it had been really lonely while I was at school. Also weird was how shoddy and dingy the walls now appeared. Huh. The crappy, gross carpet must have diverted my attention from the dirty, spotty walls. Nice.
This morning the maintenance men came and installed the quarter rounds but didn't clean up. I asked about that and they kind of inferred it was up to us to clean up. I said that didn't seem fair since we hadn't been told to put things away or cover anything with plastic sheeting. If we had been told, we would have done that. I said that every surface of everything in our apartment was now covered in dust and it was only just in April when everything had been cleaned after the fire. They said they would tell the office manager but she would have to get back to me.
I started cleaning. The job overwhelmed me. I looked at everything we owned and wondered how and when I would ever be done cleaning it. I had wash everything...the cupboards, the appliances, the containers and jars, the dishes that were left out, the sugar bowl, salt and pepper shakers, the cats food/water bowls, the photographs, paintings, and artwork that hung on our walls. I had to create a laundry pile for anything linen that could be washed. Our sofas had to be vacuumed over and over to remove the fine dust that had settled on them. I looked at the overwhelming task before me and did what any woman with a pioneer spirit would do. I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I washed the counters. Snot spilled onto the freshly washed microwave. My shoulders shook with sobs as I wiped down the aquarium and fish food. I knew I was crying out of frustration and that it would be over and I'd be fine. Bob did not see it that way.
When Bob came in the apartment, he saw me crying and immediately went back out to talk to the maintenance guys. He came back and told me to stop what I was doing, go to the bedroom, pick up a book and relax. I had a hard time doing it but eventually the futility of the job I was doing overcame me and I did as he asked. He said he would work hard while I was at school and work study today to get someone or lots of someones to come and clean our apartment. He promised that it would be at least 75-80 % clean by the time I got home tonight. I am skeptical, but he was adamant, so I left him and our dusty apartment and went to school.
I have no idea how things are going at our home. I only hope Bob is true to his word and able to get the help he promised. Otherwise I just may have to pack up and move. It seems moving would be an easier task at this point than completely cleaning fine wood dust from all our possessions. We'll see. Stay tuned.
We got up early yesterday, finished emptying the living and dining areas of furniture, boxed up the cats, and drove them to the vet's office. It wasn't much fun. Four kitties can make an awful racket when enclosed in a moving vehicle. Poor things. We were going to pick them up today but since we have to clean up the wood dust, we thought it best to leave them another day.
After dropping off the cats at the vet, we went to breakfast. I wanted to go to Key's but there wasn't really one near by so we settled on IHop. It wasn't a bad breakfast. I had a mushroom, swiss, spinach, tomato omelet while Bob had a ham and cheese omelet. We spent some time talking about life, money, the holidays, etc. and had a nice time lingering over coffee. After that, we went to Target to look for a couple of household items. Of course we left with more than our list showed we needed but that's always the way at Target. After Target we went to the wild bird store to exchange some suet. I had purchased some hot pepper suet because I was told the birds like it but the squirrels leave it alone. However, it seemed no one liked it. It just sat in our suet feeder getting old and yucky. I exchanged the red pepper suet for fruit and nut suet and that should make our downy woodpecker friends very happy.
We were told that the flooring guys were coming after 9am and should only take 3 to 4 hours. At this point it was about 11:30 and we still needed to kill a couple of hours. We did the only logical thing and saw a movie. Bob likes action and I like attractive men so we went to see the new James Bond movie. It was FULL of action and not as full of Daniel Craig as I would have liked. Still, it was an OK way to spend a couple of hours.
When we got back to our apartment building, the head maintenance man met us in the garage. He said the floor guys weren't done yet but that we could go upstairs to check it out. So we did. They had ripped out all the old carpet and were laying the under floor. Only one little strip of hallway had been finished with the wood floor. That was disappointing since we didn't have anything else to do to keep us busy and out of the way. Bob suggested he just go hang out at the gas station and I could go to school and work on any projects I had. That seemed logical so that's what we did.
Bob called me at school at nearly 7pm and told me the flooring guys were done and he was in the apartment but that the quarter round still had to be laid and the dust had to be cleaned up. When I got home I marvelled at the new floor. It was beautiful. Dusty, but really amazing. We couldn't begin cleaning up or moving things back in to the main living area until the quarter rounds were put in so we ended up going to bed. It was weird being there without the cats and Bob said it had been really lonely while I was at school. Also weird was how shoddy and dingy the walls now appeared. Huh. The crappy, gross carpet must have diverted my attention from the dirty, spotty walls. Nice.
This morning the maintenance men came and installed the quarter rounds but didn't clean up. I asked about that and they kind of inferred it was up to us to clean up. I said that didn't seem fair since we hadn't been told to put things away or cover anything with plastic sheeting. If we had been told, we would have done that. I said that every surface of everything in our apartment was now covered in dust and it was only just in April when everything had been cleaned after the fire. They said they would tell the office manager but she would have to get back to me.
I started cleaning. The job overwhelmed me. I looked at everything we owned and wondered how and when I would ever be done cleaning it. I had wash everything...the cupboards, the appliances, the containers and jars, the dishes that were left out, the sugar bowl, salt and pepper shakers, the cats food/water bowls, the photographs, paintings, and artwork that hung on our walls. I had to create a laundry pile for anything linen that could be washed. Our sofas had to be vacuumed over and over to remove the fine dust that had settled on them. I looked at the overwhelming task before me and did what any woman with a pioneer spirit would do. I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I washed the counters. Snot spilled onto the freshly washed microwave. My shoulders shook with sobs as I wiped down the aquarium and fish food. I knew I was crying out of frustration and that it would be over and I'd be fine. Bob did not see it that way.
When Bob came in the apartment, he saw me crying and immediately went back out to talk to the maintenance guys. He came back and told me to stop what I was doing, go to the bedroom, pick up a book and relax. I had a hard time doing it but eventually the futility of the job I was doing overcame me and I did as he asked. He said he would work hard while I was at school and work study today to get someone or lots of someones to come and clean our apartment. He promised that it would be at least 75-80 % clean by the time I got home tonight. I am skeptical, but he was adamant, so I left him and our dusty apartment and went to school.
I have no idea how things are going at our home. I only hope Bob is true to his word and able to get the help he promised. Otherwise I just may have to pack up and move. It seems moving would be an easier task at this point than completely cleaning fine wood dust from all our possessions. We'll see. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Bob's Care and New Floors
I thought I should blog about how things are going with Bob's care now that we are working with MA and Medicare.
A home health nurse just left after assessing Bob. The nurse was a very kind and gentle young man who, it turns out, does not live far from us. He said Bob is doing very well and since I help him with activities of daily living, we will not need to have a home health aid come in to bathe or make meals for Bob. That's good news. We will be seeing a nurse weekly for a month or so and after that, who knows.
Later this afternoon a woman is coming to either assess Bob for physical or occupational therapy, I can't remember which. Either way, we hope we can figure out a better way for Bob to use a telephone, computer, and other necessities for living. So, we'll see.
On Friday afternoon I am meeting with a gentleman who is going to go over the state grant program with me and next Friday morning Bob is going to be assessed for a new wheelchair. This seems to be the time for many, many assessments. Once they are all done we will receive recommendations and then we can make a plan of care, access, and ability.
In other good news, we met our apartment complex's new managers. I mentioned to the woman that our carpet is trashed due to Bob's wheelchair and asked her if it could be replaced with laminate flooring. (This wasn't out of nowhere, the apartment down the hall from us had been upgraded with new laminate flooring.) She kind of looked at me as if to size me up and said she would look into it and get back to me. She must have looked up our rental history because the next day she told Bob that not only will they replace the flooring, they will do it before the holidays AND if we sign a new 1-year lease in December, our rent will not go up. This works for us. We just signed a 1-year lease in June so this is like getting 6 months rent without the usual annual increase. We've lived here for 6 years and have never been late with rent. I think that impressed her. I cannot wait for the new floor! It will be so much easier to keep clean.
School is going well but with the semester winding down, the profs are loading on the homework. And since it's the end of the semester, the assignments are much more involved and stressful. At least for me they are. I have one assignment where I have to take 24 pictures of a pen. Well, the pen has to be identifiable in the shots anyway. I decided to do a photo essay on "A Day in the Life of a Pen". So far I've photographed a pen in bed, in a bubble bath, making breakfast, playing with the cats, blogging, and watching TV. I will get some outdoor shots and school shots later today. I also have another assignment to shoot 35-40 shots of something of my choosing but it must be superior in composition, lighting, focus, etc. I think I may use the photoshoot of the kittens for that particular assignment. Thankfully, there is only about 3 more weeks of class before winter break. Whew!
I asked my advisor if it's normal to feel overwhelmed and under prepared after the first semester of the professional photography program. He said it is and was I also wondering if I could even hack it as a pro photographer. I said I HAD been struggling with thoughts along the line of, "Will I ever really be able to make a living at this?" and "Who would pay ME to take pictures?" and "What the hell was I thinking?" He laughed and said that was very normal but to take heart...it gets better and promotes growth. He said he looks for growth and developement (ha!) in people in the program and that as long as there is growth and the applying of knowledge, he doesn't worry about his students. That kind of made me feel better. At least until I look at other people's work, compare it to mine, and come out lacking. Gah!
OMG! I just saw one of our complex's maintenance men and he said our floors are going to be put in tomorrow! Yikes! I am NOT ready for that yet. So I need to sign off and find out for sure. New floors tomorrow!
Later this afternoon a woman is coming to either assess Bob for physical or occupational therapy, I can't remember which. Either way, we hope we can figure out a better way for Bob to use a telephone, computer, and other necessities for living. So, we'll see.
On Friday afternoon I am meeting with a gentleman who is going to go over the state grant program with me and next Friday morning Bob is going to be assessed for a new wheelchair. This seems to be the time for many, many assessments. Once they are all done we will receive recommendations and then we can make a plan of care, access, and ability.
In other good news, we met our apartment complex's new managers. I mentioned to the woman that our carpet is trashed due to Bob's wheelchair and asked her if it could be replaced with laminate flooring. (This wasn't out of nowhere, the apartment down the hall from us had been upgraded with new laminate flooring.) She kind of looked at me as if to size me up and said she would look into it and get back to me. She must have looked up our rental history because the next day she told Bob that not only will they replace the flooring, they will do it before the holidays AND if we sign a new 1-year lease in December, our rent will not go up. This works for us. We just signed a 1-year lease in June so this is like getting 6 months rent without the usual annual increase. We've lived here for 6 years and have never been late with rent. I think that impressed her. I cannot wait for the new floor! It will be so much easier to keep clean.
School is going well but with the semester winding down, the profs are loading on the homework. And since it's the end of the semester, the assignments are much more involved and stressful. At least for me they are. I have one assignment where I have to take 24 pictures of a pen. Well, the pen has to be identifiable in the shots anyway. I decided to do a photo essay on "A Day in the Life of a Pen". So far I've photographed a pen in bed, in a bubble bath, making breakfast, playing with the cats, blogging, and watching TV. I will get some outdoor shots and school shots later today. I also have another assignment to shoot 35-40 shots of something of my choosing but it must be superior in composition, lighting, focus, etc. I think I may use the photoshoot of the kittens for that particular assignment. Thankfully, there is only about 3 more weeks of class before winter break. Whew!
I asked my advisor if it's normal to feel overwhelmed and under prepared after the first semester of the professional photography program. He said it is and was I also wondering if I could even hack it as a pro photographer. I said I HAD been struggling with thoughts along the line of, "Will I ever really be able to make a living at this?" and "Who would pay ME to take pictures?" and "What the hell was I thinking?" He laughed and said that was very normal but to take heart...it gets better and promotes growth. He said he looks for growth and developement (ha!) in people in the program and that as long as there is growth and the applying of knowledge, he doesn't worry about his students. That kind of made me feel better. At least until I look at other people's work, compare it to mine, and come out lacking. Gah!
OMG! I just saw one of our complex's maintenance men and he said our floors are going to be put in tomorrow! Yikes! I am NOT ready for that yet. So I need to sign off and find out for sure. New floors tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thank God for Assistance
So winter arrived this weekend.
I went out of town this weekend. Every year 7-12 of my girlfriends and I go to on a long weekend together. We always go the weekend of the deer hunting opener even though none of our husbands hunt. This year was lovely even though the weather was not. It alternated between snow/sleet/rain and was freezing cold. The overnight low was 19 degrees and our high was in the 30's. Thankfully the cabin we stay in features 2 lovely fireplaces. A good time was had by all.
I love our social worker and by the grace of God, it appears she loves us too. Because Bob qualified for lot of stuff and I qualified for nothing, she is going above and beyond in her quest to help us. In the coming days Bob is going to be on the receiving end of the following; a lift reclining chair, a new power wheelchair, Meals on Wheels on Thursday and Friday, housecleaning help, and food assistance. I am beyond grateful for all this help but I do wish the wheels of assistance moved with a little more zoom. With no actual money coming in yet I am a little on the anxious side right now.
I began my work study at school last week. It is apparent that I won't be getting quite the number of hours we first thought, but still, it's something. So far I like it but am surprised how much 10-15 hours of extra work change my outlook of my week. Not in a negative way but I am finding that I have to reorganize how and when I do things again just because of the extra work. I thought I'd be able to just fit it in but am surprised to find that I need to re-prioritize and organize.
Tomorrow I am going to my friend Lisa's house. She has 2 litters of 4-week old kittens I need to photograph. These 2 litters total 12 little wild kittens and I cannot wait! Pictures to come.
I went out of town this weekend. Every year 7-12 of my girlfriends and I go to on a long weekend together. We always go the weekend of the deer hunting opener even though none of our husbands hunt. This year was lovely even though the weather was not. It alternated between snow/sleet/rain and was freezing cold. The overnight low was 19 degrees and our high was in the 30's. Thankfully the cabin we stay in features 2 lovely fireplaces. A good time was had by all.
I love our social worker and by the grace of God, it appears she loves us too. Because Bob qualified for lot of stuff and I qualified for nothing, she is going above and beyond in her quest to help us. In the coming days Bob is going to be on the receiving end of the following; a lift reclining chair, a new power wheelchair, Meals on Wheels on Thursday and Friday, housecleaning help, and food assistance. I am beyond grateful for all this help but I do wish the wheels of assistance moved with a little more zoom. With no actual money coming in yet I am a little on the anxious side right now.
I began my work study at school last week. It is apparent that I won't be getting quite the number of hours we first thought, but still, it's something. So far I like it but am surprised how much 10-15 hours of extra work change my outlook of my week. Not in a negative way but I am finding that I have to reorganize how and when I do things again just because of the extra work. I thought I'd be able to just fit it in but am surprised to find that I need to re-prioritize and organize.
Tomorrow I am going to my friend Lisa's house. She has 2 litters of 4-week old kittens I need to photograph. These 2 litters total 12 little wild kittens and I cannot wait! Pictures to come.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Don't Forget to Set Your Clocks Back
So, we received word from the county that Bob has been approved for state aid benefits but I have not. Apparently I make too much money. Which is weird since I haven't made any money since I quit my job. Well, that's not entirely true. I did make $100 taking pictures at a theater opening but the actual job was nearly 2 months ago and I just got paid for it so it doesn't really count.
Anyway, the good news is that Bob is now covered medically speaking and is getting food assistance as well, so that's good. We also qualified for a program where he will get money to pay a personal care attendant to help him with the functions of daily living. Under the program, he can pay me, so there's that. However, I guess this program takes a while to get into gear so for now we are scraping by. Still, life hasn't been bad at all and we are doing OK.
It's been over 2 months since I quite my job and I am still OK with my decision. The temp jobs I signed up for have not panned out, nor have the jobs I've interviewed for on my own and I guess that's OK since they weren't at the top of my career list. However, I was offered work study in my program at school and am just waiting for the paperwork to go through. Could be a couple of weeks still. It won't pay a lot but it's better than nothing. It's also a great opportunity to get to know the photography department, equipment, and professors. I think it's a good move that will help me with contacts in the long run. Oh, and I had an interview at a local camera store. Not sure if that will end up being something that will work with my schedule but I will deal with that when the time comes.
So yesterday was Halloween. We didn't do much. We handed out candy but we only had about a dozen kids stop by. Now we have a huge bucket of candy. I gave out some more today to kids we know but didn't see last night. Still, we have a lot of candy left over.
I went out shooting today (with camera, not guns) and had a pretty good time. I managed to complete at least 3 assignments and will have Bob help me with a couple of others. Next weekend I am going out of town with friends and I will have my pick of models to help me out with newer assignments. Anyway, today everyone had the same idea. I was out at Minnehaha Falls Park and saw at least 4 other photographers out there shooting families and couples. And at one time a woman came up to me while I was setting up a shot and asked me if I was someone else. I had to say no and wish her luck on finding her photographer. I don't know if she ever found her. I'm going to miss days like today. It was beautiful, warm, and sunny and possibly our last truly nice day before the snow flies.
Well, I've already set our clocks back because last year we forgot and were early for everything on Sunday. Plus, I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I am already yawning and working at keeping my eyes open. According to my clock, it's 9:30. Looks like I'll be getting to bed early tonight.
Anyway, the good news is that Bob is now covered medically speaking and is getting food assistance as well, so that's good. We also qualified for a program where he will get money to pay a personal care attendant to help him with the functions of daily living. Under the program, he can pay me, so there's that. However, I guess this program takes a while to get into gear so for now we are scraping by. Still, life hasn't been bad at all and we are doing OK.
It's been over 2 months since I quite my job and I am still OK with my decision. The temp jobs I signed up for have not panned out, nor have the jobs I've interviewed for on my own and I guess that's OK since they weren't at the top of my career list. However, I was offered work study in my program at school and am just waiting for the paperwork to go through. Could be a couple of weeks still. It won't pay a lot but it's better than nothing. It's also a great opportunity to get to know the photography department, equipment, and professors. I think it's a good move that will help me with contacts in the long run. Oh, and I had an interview at a local camera store. Not sure if that will end up being something that will work with my schedule but I will deal with that when the time comes.
So yesterday was Halloween. We didn't do much. We handed out candy but we only had about a dozen kids stop by. Now we have a huge bucket of candy. I gave out some more today to kids we know but didn't see last night. Still, we have a lot of candy left over.
I went out shooting today (with camera, not guns) and had a pretty good time. I managed to complete at least 3 assignments and will have Bob help me with a couple of others. Next weekend I am going out of town with friends and I will have my pick of models to help me out with newer assignments. Anyway, today everyone had the same idea. I was out at Minnehaha Falls Park and saw at least 4 other photographers out there shooting families and couples. And at one time a woman came up to me while I was setting up a shot and asked me if I was someone else. I had to say no and wish her luck on finding her photographer. I don't know if she ever found her. I'm going to miss days like today. It was beautiful, warm, and sunny and possibly our last truly nice day before the snow flies.
Well, I've already set our clocks back because last year we forgot and were early for everything on Sunday. Plus, I woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I am already yawning and working at keeping my eyes open. According to my clock, it's 9:30. Looks like I'll be getting to bed early tonight.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Social Services
I spent the weekend doing laundry and cleaning. I really deep cleaned our apartment. I vacuumed all the furniture and wiped down all the kitchen surfaces including all the cabinets. I got rid of a bunch of clutter and organized things that had become clutter catchers. I washed every single item I could in order to get the cat hair off of it. It felt so good. However, I did all this because we were expecting a visit from a social worker. I was so nervous and spent a lot of frenetic, anxious energy cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Oh, and carving pumpkins.
Our social worker showed up promptly at 10am this morning. The first thing I asked her was if she was allergic to cats. Thankfully she wasn't. Even more thankfully, she LOVED cats. She even asked for our cats names and patted her lap so Daisy would jump up and cuddle her. Yay! We ended up loving her and spent nearly 2 hours with her going over Bob's medical history, diagnosis, goals, plans, and needs. She said that a nurse recently told her that it is not possible for someone with MD to reach adulthood without a diagnosis. We said that is obviously not true especially since there are over 40 different types and not all are evident in childhood.
Our meeting with her went really well. Originally we thought we might have to slightly exaggerate our need in order to receive services. Well, it turns out we really REALLY qualify for quite a few services. Oh thank God. Bob is already on Medical Assistance and we are getting help with food purchases. I will eventually be on MN Care and we are working towards qualifying and getting help from a state program that will allow me to be Bob's caregiver and be paid. I guess the process for this really takes a long time, so that is slower in coming. Bob is able to get assistive aids/tools/products that are paid for including a lift chair and even possibly voice technology for his computer. All of this takes a HUGE weight off our shoulders. Now if only I can find some kind of income that will allow us to pay our bills.
Other good news our social worker told us is that the preferred vendor of medical/assistive aids is the one we already use! Of all the medical supply stores out there, the one the state uses is the one we are already familiar with. They know us, they know Bob's needs, they know Bob's issues, and we will continue to work with them. That really is good news.
Another spot of good news is that to qualify for one of the supports to which we apply, Bob needs to earn at least $75 per month. He can earn more, but he needs to earn at least $75 a month. He is so excited about this. He cannot wait to be working, earning money, and contributing to our household again. Even if it's not much, it is helping us qualify for a program that we need and it will go a long way to give him esteem in providing for his family. So. Awesome.
Our social worker showed up promptly at 10am this morning. The first thing I asked her was if she was allergic to cats. Thankfully she wasn't. Even more thankfully, she LOVED cats. She even asked for our cats names and patted her lap so Daisy would jump up and cuddle her. Yay! We ended up loving her and spent nearly 2 hours with her going over Bob's medical history, diagnosis, goals, plans, and needs. She said that a nurse recently told her that it is not possible for someone with MD to reach adulthood without a diagnosis. We said that is obviously not true especially since there are over 40 different types and not all are evident in childhood.
Our meeting with her went really well. Originally we thought we might have to slightly exaggerate our need in order to receive services. Well, it turns out we really REALLY qualify for quite a few services. Oh thank God. Bob is already on Medical Assistance and we are getting help with food purchases. I will eventually be on MN Care and we are working towards qualifying and getting help from a state program that will allow me to be Bob's caregiver and be paid. I guess the process for this really takes a long time, so that is slower in coming. Bob is able to get assistive aids/tools/products that are paid for including a lift chair and even possibly voice technology for his computer. All of this takes a HUGE weight off our shoulders. Now if only I can find some kind of income that will allow us to pay our bills.
Other good news our social worker told us is that the preferred vendor of medical/assistive aids is the one we already use! Of all the medical supply stores out there, the one the state uses is the one we are already familiar with. They know us, they know Bob's needs, they know Bob's issues, and we will continue to work with them. That really is good news.
Another spot of good news is that to qualify for one of the supports to which we apply, Bob needs to earn at least $75 per month. He can earn more, but he needs to earn at least $75 a month. He is so excited about this. He cannot wait to be working, earning money, and contributing to our household again. Even if it's not much, it is helping us qualify for a program that we need and it will go a long way to give him esteem in providing for his family. So. Awesome.
Friday, October 24, 2008
October is infertility awareness month and the this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
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So it's Friday. I don't have much else to say as far as infertility is concerned. Please check with the Resolve website for more information as to how they can help you, how you can volunteer for them, or win stuff at their silent auction fundraiser.
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Last night my friend Laurie and I went to see Macbeth at the Torch Theater. It was awesome. I love live theater and have to say that I wish I could get to more live theater offerings. Shakespeare is among my favorite of playwrights though it takes a while to get into the gist of the language. In reviewing the Macbeth story online today I am happy to say that I did manage to follow the story just fine. Anyway, there are still tickets available so if you live in the Twin Cities and are looking for an awesome live theater experience, go see Macbeth at the Torch.
After the show, a bunch of us went to Corner Table for appetizers and wine. It was a lovely after party with amazing taste sensations. I cannot recommend Corner Table more, especially if you are looking for local food grown sustainably and prepared deliciously. Photos of the after party are here .
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So it's Friday. I don't have much else to say as far as infertility is concerned. Please check with the Resolve website for more information as to how they can help you, how you can volunteer for them, or win stuff at their silent auction fundraiser.
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Last night my friend Laurie and I went to see Macbeth at the Torch Theater. It was awesome. I love live theater and have to say that I wish I could get to more live theater offerings. Shakespeare is among my favorite of playwrights though it takes a while to get into the gist of the language. In reviewing the Macbeth story online today I am happy to say that I did manage to follow the story just fine. Anyway, there are still tickets available so if you live in the Twin Cities and are looking for an awesome live theater experience, go see Macbeth at the Torch.
After the show, a bunch of us went to Corner Table for appetizers and wine. It was a lovely after party with amazing taste sensations. I cannot recommend Corner Table more, especially if you are looking for local food grown sustainably and prepared deliciously. Photos of the after party are here .
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
October is infertility awareness month and the this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
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People dealing with infertility are tangled in a mess of hope and grief. Most every month there is the hope of conceiving either naturally or through medical intervention. When conception doesn't take, there is grief, anger, despair, frustration, depression, and feelings of failure to deal with.
Grief is difficult to deal with in any situation but decidedly so in the case of infertility. If a couple has been unable to conceive there isn't a death to grieve. However, the couple dealing with infertility can feel as though something has died. And in truth, their dreams have died. Their dreams of an expanding family have died. Their dreams of passing on traditions, wisdom, family heirlooms, etc have all died. A woman's dream of carrying a baby in her womb and delivering a baby in birth have died. A man's dream of playing ball with his son or having an heir have died. A couple's dream of parenthood has died. Still, there are more websites and aids developed for couples grieving the loss of a pregnancy or infant than there are for couples grieving the loss of parenthood altogether.
In perusing the internet in search of help for grieving people led me here. This page was written by a certified grief counselor who also struggled with infertility. There is a lot of wisdom here as well as a reminder of the 5 stages of grief. The author also gives a lot of good resources for grieving people and the infertile.
1.) GROWW
2.) Fertile Thoughts
My own husband and I were talking today about the upcoming holidays. We usually spend Thanksgiving with either his family or my family but Christmas is spent alone together. Last year we spent Christmas at a hotel in downtown Minneapolis and we ended up having a great time together. This year I don't even want to put up the Christmas decorations. Why have holiday traditions if the traditions don't go anywhere? So in talking we decided we are going to save any extra money that comes in and spend Christmas at the casino hotel. That's how we are going to deal with Christmas alone this year.
Other online resources for people dealing with infertility:
1.) Infertility's Common Thread
2.) Online Peer Counseling List
3.) Blogs of others dealing with infertility, IVF, loss, and adoption
4.) Missing Grace Foundation. This organization holds conferences and retreats every year in the Minneapolis area for families that have experienced: pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility or adoption and to advocate for comprehensive, patient-focused prenatal care for all women. Five core areas encompass the heart of the mission: Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate.
*******************************************************
People dealing with infertility are tangled in a mess of hope and grief. Most every month there is the hope of conceiving either naturally or through medical intervention. When conception doesn't take, there is grief, anger, despair, frustration, depression, and feelings of failure to deal with.
Grief is difficult to deal with in any situation but decidedly so in the case of infertility. If a couple has been unable to conceive there isn't a death to grieve. However, the couple dealing with infertility can feel as though something has died. And in truth, their dreams have died. Their dreams of an expanding family have died. Their dreams of passing on traditions, wisdom, family heirlooms, etc have all died. A woman's dream of carrying a baby in her womb and delivering a baby in birth have died. A man's dream of playing ball with his son or having an heir have died. A couple's dream of parenthood has died. Still, there are more websites and aids developed for couples grieving the loss of a pregnancy or infant than there are for couples grieving the loss of parenthood altogether.
In perusing the internet in search of help for grieving people led me here. This page was written by a certified grief counselor who also struggled with infertility. There is a lot of wisdom here as well as a reminder of the 5 stages of grief. The author also gives a lot of good resources for grieving people and the infertile.
1.) GROWW
2.) Fertile Thoughts
My own husband and I were talking today about the upcoming holidays. We usually spend Thanksgiving with either his family or my family but Christmas is spent alone together. Last year we spent Christmas at a hotel in downtown Minneapolis and we ended up having a great time together. This year I don't even want to put up the Christmas decorations. Why have holiday traditions if the traditions don't go anywhere? So in talking we decided we are going to save any extra money that comes in and spend Christmas at the casino hotel. That's how we are going to deal with Christmas alone this year.
Other online resources for people dealing with infertility:
1.) Infertility's Common Thread
2.) Online Peer Counseling List
3.) Blogs of others dealing with infertility, IVF, loss, and adoption
4.) Missing Grace Foundation. This organization holds conferences and retreats every year in the Minneapolis area for families that have experienced: pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility or adoption and to advocate for comprehensive, patient-focused prenatal care for all women. Five core areas encompass the heart of the mission: Grieve, Restore, Arise, Commemorate and Educate.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Coping With Infertility
October is infertility awareness month and the this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
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In trying to find help and resources for people struggling with infertility, I managed to learn that Google thinks much like the medical world. My Google searches ended up with mostly fertility clinic links and treatment opportunities. That's not exactly what I was looking for.
I did, however, manage to find a link to a book that I recommend. I know the last thing a lot of people want is a book pushed at them, but this is a book written by a woman who's "been there". Empty Womb Aching Heart is a collection of stories from other couples struggling with infertility as well as personal experience shared by the author. It is written by a conservative Christian woman, so if your beliefs don't align that way, this may not be the book for you. However, I've heard it said that it is much more helpful for those wishing to understand the pain of their loved one's infertility than the infertiles themselves.
Other books that may help include:
The Infertility Companion
Inconceivable: Finding Peace Midst Infertility
Hannah's Hope
The Ache for a Child
Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope
Amazon.com's list of Coping With Infertility Books
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In trying to find help and resources for people struggling with infertility, I managed to learn that Google thinks much like the medical world. My Google searches ended up with mostly fertility clinic links and treatment opportunities. That's not exactly what I was looking for.
I did, however, manage to find a link to a book that I recommend. I know the last thing a lot of people want is a book pushed at them, but this is a book written by a woman who's "been there". Empty Womb Aching Heart is a collection of stories from other couples struggling with infertility as well as personal experience shared by the author. It is written by a conservative Christian woman, so if your beliefs don't align that way, this may not be the book for you. However, I've heard it said that it is much more helpful for those wishing to understand the pain of their loved one's infertility than the infertiles themselves.
Other books that may help include:
The Infertility Companion
Inconceivable: Finding Peace Midst Infertility
Hannah's Hope
The Ache for a Child
Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope
Amazon.com's list of Coping With Infertility Books
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thanks Mary
As a long time reader of blogs, I've found my favorites and have them all entered into my Google reader. One blog I've read for years is written by a day care/childcare giver.
As a former nanny and a hopeful parent-to-be, I've appreciated her no-nonsense, down-to-earth approach to childcare.
Last week she emailed me and asked if I would be willing to guest post during this week of infertility awareness. I gladly accepted and she posted my guest post today. Click here to read.
Thanks, Mary for the opportunity to share my struggle and give voice to a problem not usually mentioned in mommy/childcare blogs. I really appreciate it.
As a former nanny and a hopeful parent-to-be, I've appreciated her no-nonsense, down-to-earth approach to childcare.
Last week she emailed me and asked if I would be willing to guest post during this week of infertility awareness. I gladly accepted and she posted my guest post today. Click here to read.
Thanks, Mary for the opportunity to share my struggle and give voice to a problem not usually mentioned in mommy/childcare blogs. I really appreciate it.
National Infertility Awareness Week
While the month of October is National Infertility Awareness Month, Sunday began the official Infertility Awareness Week.
If you struggle with infertility, I recommend visiting Resolve's website in order to find some help.
If you don't happen to struggle with infertility but have loved ones who do, please read Resolve's fact sheet on ways you can help/be there for them.
As the week progresses, I will add other resources available to infertiles and those that love them so check in each day.
Friday, October 17, 2008
An Interesting Photo Opportunity
Also, an interesting experience. If you are into and not scared by zombies, have I got an event for you. BRAINS!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Infertility: the Definition of Insanity?
October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
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I have been sick for about two weeks now and it's really getting old. It started with a sore throat and stuffy nose and quickly moved from my head to my chest where it has set up camp and made itself at home. I have a weird lethargy, low-grade fever, and a chest cough that has finally moved from an annoying tickle in the throat to a productive cough. I thought I was on the mend today but after running a couple of quick errands this afternoon, I had to come home and take a nap before class.
To be honest, I'd been hoping some of the illness I felt was from pregnancy. I was three days late (a rarity), had tender breasts for a week, and just felt different somehow. But no, Aunt Flo finally made her appearance today. I am assuming some of my lethargy and general malaise comes from that as well.
I think the hardest thing about infertility might just be the dashed hopes. For me it's been month after month for nearly 7 years. Every month I have about 2 weeks where I think...maybe this time? Only to have that hope smashed to bits with the appearance of my period. That's nearly 78 hopes dashed. Can you say that you have had something you desired, wanted, hoped for only to have it taken from you or not made an appearance at all? Can you say that's happened nearly 80 times? The Bible says hope deferred makes a heart sick. So not only am I infertile, my heart is sick.
While watching a program detailing the life of one of my favorite singers, I heard him say something that made me take notice. He was speaking about a painful instance in his married life and how instead of turning from God or being angry at Him about the circumstances, he asked Him to make a way through the pain. I am working on making that my prayer. I still have daily battles with God about this. After all, conception, childbirth, families...they are all His invention and design so how hard would it be for Him to just make it happen for us? I don't think it would be hard at all. So why doesn't He? Who knows. Hence, my battles with my Maker. I think I've made strides in healing just by being willing to ask Him to make a way for me through this pain. I know I have to get through it, I just don't know how. So He is going to have to do something to lead me through.
So anyway, I was thinking that THIS month was different and I might really be pregnant. Isn't the definition of insanity "doing something the same time every time and expecting a different result"? Well, we do the same thing every month. In fact we do it several times a month and never get a different result. I just don't know how much longer I can take the hope/devastated rollercoaster. Two weeks of hope, wishing, dreaming, planning, desiring, expecting only to come face first into the wall of dashed hopes, despair, sadness, longing, and failure. Then a week of trying to come to terms with it all and getting on with life. It's up, down, up, down, up, down, every month the same. I just wish that I could either just stop desiring pregnancy/children, get over it all together, or get pregnant somehow. I don't think I can take 8 more months of this let alone 78 more months.
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I have been sick for about two weeks now and it's really getting old. It started with a sore throat and stuffy nose and quickly moved from my head to my chest where it has set up camp and made itself at home. I have a weird lethargy, low-grade fever, and a chest cough that has finally moved from an annoying tickle in the throat to a productive cough. I thought I was on the mend today but after running a couple of quick errands this afternoon, I had to come home and take a nap before class.
To be honest, I'd been hoping some of the illness I felt was from pregnancy. I was three days late (a rarity), had tender breasts for a week, and just felt different somehow. But no, Aunt Flo finally made her appearance today. I am assuming some of my lethargy and general malaise comes from that as well.
I think the hardest thing about infertility might just be the dashed hopes. For me it's been month after month for nearly 7 years. Every month I have about 2 weeks where I think...maybe this time? Only to have that hope smashed to bits with the appearance of my period. That's nearly 78 hopes dashed. Can you say that you have had something you desired, wanted, hoped for only to have it taken from you or not made an appearance at all? Can you say that's happened nearly 80 times? The Bible says hope deferred makes a heart sick. So not only am I infertile, my heart is sick.
While watching a program detailing the life of one of my favorite singers, I heard him say something that made me take notice. He was speaking about a painful instance in his married life and how instead of turning from God or being angry at Him about the circumstances, he asked Him to make a way through the pain. I am working on making that my prayer. I still have daily battles with God about this. After all, conception, childbirth, families...they are all His invention and design so how hard would it be for Him to just make it happen for us? I don't think it would be hard at all. So why doesn't He? Who knows. Hence, my battles with my Maker. I think I've made strides in healing just by being willing to ask Him to make a way for me through this pain. I know I have to get through it, I just don't know how. So He is going to have to do something to lead me through.
So anyway, I was thinking that THIS month was different and I might really be pregnant. Isn't the definition of insanity "doing something the same time every time and expecting a different result"? Well, we do the same thing every month. In fact we do it several times a month and never get a different result. I just don't know how much longer I can take the hope/devastated rollercoaster. Two weeks of hope, wishing, dreaming, planning, desiring, expecting only to come face first into the wall of dashed hopes, despair, sadness, longing, and failure. Then a week of trying to come to terms with it all and getting on with life. It's up, down, up, down, up, down, every month the same. I just wish that I could either just stop desiring pregnancy/children, get over it all together, or get pregnant somehow. I don't think I can take 8 more months of this let alone 78 more months.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Um, Hi.
October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
So, it's been a while. Let's catch up, shall we?
Bob and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary at the end of September. We were given a 2-night stay at a local casino's luxury hotel. It was fabulous. I'm not much of a gambler so I enjoyed the in room movies, the casino bowling alley, and the hotel pool and whirlpool (one night I had both all to myself for nearly an hour!). Bob won 2nd place in a Texas Hold'em tournament so we actually had some money to play with, which was nice. We also drove around the area in which we stayed and had a lovely day outside enjoying the sunny autumn weather. Bob surprised me with some Fiestaware for an anniversary present, so that was nice too.
School continues to go well. I find that though the work can be overwhelming at times, I am really enjoying what I am learning. My professors are knowledgeable and helpful without being condescending. I am getting pretty good marks so far and feel good about what I am doing there. I recently met with my advisor to go over next semester's class picks and while I am adding an extra class compared to what I'm doing now, I'm only adding an extra credit. Interestingly, 3 of my classes meet on Tuesday and my other class meets on Wednesday. That leaves the rest of the week open to more job hunting/working.
Speaking of...the temporary jobs seemed to have all but dried up. I used to get weekly notices of openings but lately I've not heard anything. I've called the agencies and they have my info on file but no openings ready. However, I do have an interview at a local camera store tomorrow at 11. They are looking for some type of manager. I don't have manager experience but I am hoping some life experience will qualify me for the position. I submitted my resume this morning and he called me at noon for the interview so it seems he is really looking for someone. Who knows, this could be a door into bigger and better things.
Things at my old workplace seem to still be in turmoil. One of my former co-workers keeps me abreast of what's going on and she says things are crazy. People are cashing in their annuities left and right which makes the workload quite large. Normal cash outs when I was working there were about 5-8 per day. My friend told me they are now processing hundreds per day. Also, it seems that they are beginning to treat her the way I was being treated. I am not happy that she is getting hassled but I am happy to know that it wasn't just me reading too much into things. It was really real and it really happened. I just hope she can stand her ground and take it or face it better than I could.
Finally because we are getting down to the last of the money we'd put aside we made a decision and followed through with it on Wednesday. We went and applied for public assistance. Bob needs medical assistance for sure and we are looking into a grant we'd heard about for familial care-givers for persons with disabilities. Applying wasn't fun. We got to the office around 10am and got our number. They called our number once to see what we were there for. We got the paperwork we needed to fill out. They called our number again to get our paperwork. Then we had to wait for our number to be called a third time to meet with someone to go over our paperwork. When we were done we had a list of more paperwork they require before they can make a decision on our acceptance into the program. I have all but one thing on the list as of right now. I am waiting for that to be mailed to me and when it is, I can fax everything else in. I don't know how fast the wheels turn, but I hope it's faster than our money runs out.
Bob was bummed to apply for assistance but I was less so. It's there for people who need it when they need it. When we don't need it anymore, we won't use it. I don't expect to need it for a long period of time...it's just to help us through this tough spot.
Being at the county assistance office sure was an interesting social study. Lots of faces of color. Lots of elderly. Lots of men. One woman got arrested while we were there waiting and that was interesting as well. She was compliant and the police officers were polite, quiet, and quick about it. As we were leaving, an African American man got on the elevator with us. Just as the doors closed a woman in head to toe coverings tried to get on but was unsuccessful. The whole trip down the gentleman (and I use that term loosely) spat the worst racist language I'd heard in a while. He spoke out loud to us as though we might share his opinion of "that kind of person". Unfortunately, he got off on another floor and we weren't able to respond one way or the other. I am not used to hearing such hatred spoken so smoothly and it sat with me (and apparently continues to sit with me) the rest of the day.
Oh! My friend is still pregnant and we are still friends. I look forward to an upcoming retreat we are going on with all our friends next month so we can talk even more. I got her a newborn size onesie while we were at the casino and a Target Baby gift card. All her kids are teenagers so for her, it is like she is starting completely over and I am sure she needs lots of new stuff. Right now she can barely think of that because she is sick quite a bit. The first trimester is kicking her butt.
This weekend is the annual MDA Stride and Ride. If you would like to donate to our walk for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, email me or post a comment and I will give you our mailing address. All gifts are tax deductable. Thanks!
So, it's been a while. Let's catch up, shall we?
Bob and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary at the end of September. We were given a 2-night stay at a local casino's luxury hotel. It was fabulous. I'm not much of a gambler so I enjoyed the in room movies, the casino bowling alley, and the hotel pool and whirlpool (one night I had both all to myself for nearly an hour!). Bob won 2nd place in a Texas Hold'em tournament so we actually had some money to play with, which was nice. We also drove around the area in which we stayed and had a lovely day outside enjoying the sunny autumn weather. Bob surprised me with some Fiestaware for an anniversary present, so that was nice too.
School continues to go well. I find that though the work can be overwhelming at times, I am really enjoying what I am learning. My professors are knowledgeable and helpful without being condescending. I am getting pretty good marks so far and feel good about what I am doing there. I recently met with my advisor to go over next semester's class picks and while I am adding an extra class compared to what I'm doing now, I'm only adding an extra credit. Interestingly, 3 of my classes meet on Tuesday and my other class meets on Wednesday. That leaves the rest of the week open to more job hunting/working.
Speaking of...the temporary jobs seemed to have all but dried up. I used to get weekly notices of openings but lately I've not heard anything. I've called the agencies and they have my info on file but no openings ready. However, I do have an interview at a local camera store tomorrow at 11. They are looking for some type of manager. I don't have manager experience but I am hoping some life experience will qualify me for the position. I submitted my resume this morning and he called me at noon for the interview so it seems he is really looking for someone. Who knows, this could be a door into bigger and better things.
Things at my old workplace seem to still be in turmoil. One of my former co-workers keeps me abreast of what's going on and she says things are crazy. People are cashing in their annuities left and right which makes the workload quite large. Normal cash outs when I was working there were about 5-8 per day. My friend told me they are now processing hundreds per day. Also, it seems that they are beginning to treat her the way I was being treated. I am not happy that she is getting hassled but I am happy to know that it wasn't just me reading too much into things. It was really real and it really happened. I just hope she can stand her ground and take it or face it better than I could.
Finally because we are getting down to the last of the money we'd put aside we made a decision and followed through with it on Wednesday. We went and applied for public assistance. Bob needs medical assistance for sure and we are looking into a grant we'd heard about for familial care-givers for persons with disabilities. Applying wasn't fun. We got to the office around 10am and got our number. They called our number once to see what we were there for. We got the paperwork we needed to fill out. They called our number again to get our paperwork. Then we had to wait for our number to be called a third time to meet with someone to go over our paperwork. When we were done we had a list of more paperwork they require before they can make a decision on our acceptance into the program. I have all but one thing on the list as of right now. I am waiting for that to be mailed to me and when it is, I can fax everything else in. I don't know how fast the wheels turn, but I hope it's faster than our money runs out.
Bob was bummed to apply for assistance but I was less so. It's there for people who need it when they need it. When we don't need it anymore, we won't use it. I don't expect to need it for a long period of time...it's just to help us through this tough spot.
Being at the county assistance office sure was an interesting social study. Lots of faces of color. Lots of elderly. Lots of men. One woman got arrested while we were there waiting and that was interesting as well. She was compliant and the police officers were polite, quiet, and quick about it. As we were leaving, an African American man got on the elevator with us. Just as the doors closed a woman in head to toe coverings tried to get on but was unsuccessful. The whole trip down the gentleman (and I use that term loosely) spat the worst racist language I'd heard in a while. He spoke out loud to us as though we might share his opinion of "that kind of person". Unfortunately, he got off on another floor and we weren't able to respond one way or the other. I am not used to hearing such hatred spoken so smoothly and it sat with me (and apparently continues to sit with me) the rest of the day.
Oh! My friend is still pregnant and we are still friends. I look forward to an upcoming retreat we are going on with all our friends next month so we can talk even more. I got her a newborn size onesie while we were at the casino and a Target Baby gift card. All her kids are teenagers so for her, it is like she is starting completely over and I am sure she needs lots of new stuff. Right now she can barely think of that because she is sick quite a bit. The first trimester is kicking her butt.
This weekend is the annual MDA Stride and Ride. If you would like to donate to our walk for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, email me or post a comment and I will give you our mailing address. All gifts are tax deductable. Thanks!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Let me be clear
My friend was discharged from the hospital today. I had planned on visiting her today but she called early on to tell me she was sprung and heading home. Let me be clear about my struggle with K's pregnancy. My struggle was NOT about her being pregnant (OK, maybe a little of it was) but instead it was about the fact that she was 9 weeks pregnant, had seen me, talked to me on the phone, and had not told me. The rest of our friends (6 other ladies that meet regularly) all knew and kept it from me. She thought that she was sparing me by waiting to tell me until conditions were right. As I told her today, I don't think there is any possible scenario that could have happened to make her news not hurtful to me (other than me being pregnant at the same time). That's just the way it is. I also told her that just because I am struggling with how things are doesn't mean I'm not happy for her. I am. I am thrilled they are having a baby at this stage in their life. It's a nice little surprise that will really make their family fun. I just wish I could share the experience with her. She asked if we were still getting together at my place next Friday and I said we were but that I might not know how to pray. Right now my whole attitude towards God is WTF? She laughed and agreed she knows how that feels. I still just cannot wrap my head around it though. The woman who has held my hand, believed with all she is, prayed with fervor and heart for something she believes will happen, and has listened to me cry hundreds of times is herself carrying the child we thought would be mine. Well, not exactly mine. I didn't impregnate her. We just thought I would be pregnant...not her.
Let me also be clear about our infertility. Infertility is defined as trying to get pregnant for a year without pregnancy. If you are over 35 the definition changes to 6 months without a pregnancy. We've been trying for...well, it will be 7 years on Monday. I've never been pregnant.
We went to the doctor and fixed what we could. I had dye run through my tubes to see if they were stopped up but the dye flowed freely. I had an operation that removed scar tissue and endometriosis. I had another operation that removed a pollyp from my uterus. I had 3 inseminations last year and another 3 this year before my insurance ran out. Bob was tested and while his sperm showed low motility, everything else looked fine. We assumed that the low motility was due to the water weight he'd put on and his heart/respitory issues. Now that those are doing OK, he should be better but he's not been tested for over a year.
We have done all that we can do medically and financially. Now that I'm not employed, we don't have medical insurance (though Bob qualifies and is in the midst of being approved for Medicare.) and we no longer qualify to be foster parents. Needless to say, without my income we don't have a lot of money so at this point, adoption is not an option either. Not that we would necessarily qualify for adoption either. A lot of agencies we looked at have medical, financial, and age qualifiers that we didn't meet.
So at this point we have done all we can do. We still try to get pregnant every month. We still pray for a miracle. But 7 years is a long time to want something, try for something, and be denied at every turn. I have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am OK with never being a parent, never having children. But then something like K announcing her pregnancy happens and all of a sudden, I'm torn from my place of acceptance and transported to a place of want, need, and intense desire for a child. I would LOVE to live in a place of a acceptance. I would love to be able to just let go of this and live my life with my husband. I try. I pray. I "give it over". Yet I cannot let go. It is a painful place and I hate it. Now that I'm 40, I am nearing an age where eventually I will just have to accept it is not going to happen and be OK with it. But with every period coming regularly every month there is still hope and because there is hope I seem to be unable to let go completely. It's something I'm still working on.
Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
Let me also be clear about our infertility. Infertility is defined as trying to get pregnant for a year without pregnancy. If you are over 35 the definition changes to 6 months without a pregnancy. We've been trying for...well, it will be 7 years on Monday. I've never been pregnant.
We went to the doctor and fixed what we could. I had dye run through my tubes to see if they were stopped up but the dye flowed freely. I had an operation that removed scar tissue and endometriosis. I had another operation that removed a pollyp from my uterus. I had 3 inseminations last year and another 3 this year before my insurance ran out. Bob was tested and while his sperm showed low motility, everything else looked fine. We assumed that the low motility was due to the water weight he'd put on and his heart/respitory issues. Now that those are doing OK, he should be better but he's not been tested for over a year.
We have done all that we can do medically and financially. Now that I'm not employed, we don't have medical insurance (though Bob qualifies and is in the midst of being approved for Medicare.) and we no longer qualify to be foster parents. Needless to say, without my income we don't have a lot of money so at this point, adoption is not an option either. Not that we would necessarily qualify for adoption either. A lot of agencies we looked at have medical, financial, and age qualifiers that we didn't meet.
So at this point we have done all we can do. We still try to get pregnant every month. We still pray for a miracle. But 7 years is a long time to want something, try for something, and be denied at every turn. I have minutes, hours, and sometimes days where I am OK with never being a parent, never having children. But then something like K announcing her pregnancy happens and all of a sudden, I'm torn from my place of acceptance and transported to a place of want, need, and intense desire for a child. I would LOVE to live in a place of a acceptance. I would love to be able to just let go of this and live my life with my husband. I try. I pray. I "give it over". Yet I cannot let go. It is a painful place and I hate it. Now that I'm 40, I am nearing an age where eventually I will just have to accept it is not going to happen and be OK with it. But with every period coming regularly every month there is still hope and because there is hope I seem to be unable to let go completely. It's something I'm still working on.
Oh and I would be remiss if I didn't mention that October is infertility awareness month and the 19th through the 25th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check the Resolve website for information on infertility and how it affects nearly 10% of the population.
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