Friday, December 30, 2005

The View From My Window At Work This Afternoon

Posted by Picasa It snowed a lot overnight and all day today. We got about 8 inches of snow. It is the big, wet, heavy snow that's perfect for snowman and snowball making but not so fun to shovel or throw. Thankfully, we don't have to shovel or throw since we are apartment dwellers.

On my way home from work, I picked up a pizza, some DVDs, and ice cream for Bob. I intended to put away all of the Christmas stuff tonight, but decided to let it be until tomorrow. Tomorrow is when I intend to perform a massive cleaning effort and Christmas de-decorate. It is also the night we are having friends over to celebrate the New Year.

I finally got my New Year letter done. I will be assembling on Sunday or Monday and mailing on Tuesday. I hope it brings people hope that things can get better, even in the midst of chaos and trouble.

Last night was the double shower at my in-laws house. As predicted, it was hard. It was fun to begin with, but seeing that little rounded belly and the adorable baby clothes and hearing multiple references to "her" and "the baby" were very difficult. I ended up leaving early. In fact, I was the first one out. I made reference to the long drive and having to work the next day, but once in the car, I cried. I stopped long enough to call Bob and tell him I was on my way, but started again after we hung up. It started snowing pretty heavily so I had to calm down again in order to drive cautiously. When I got home, I poured myself a glass of wine, turned off all the lights except the Christmas tree and cried some more. Sometimes the pain is so great it is almost physical. Bob is great. He tries to understand and is good about holding me and comforting me, but my pain and grief baffles him. To be honest, it baffles me too. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could just accept our life as it is. But I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I feel so empty and half-there. I feel like I can't be whole until I have a baby. I can't explain it but I feel it so deeply that I cry after attending a baby shower for someone else.

I went to bed soon after the crying fest but woke up at about 4am with a horrible, throbbing pain in my foot. It wasn't a charlie horse, but it was very painful. I came out to the living room where Bob was watching Cheap Seats on ESPN. He rubbed my foot while we laughed together at the show. It felt better after about a half hour so we went to bed. When my alarm went off at 6:30, I could barely get up. I was really tired but I got to work and found a veritable ghost town. There were only 4 of us in my department and 4 on the phone team. Thankfully, we were let go at 3. Lovely! I did manage to get quite a bit done today, but so many bankers were out of the office that I did have to leave quite a bit until Tuesday too.

We got a sweet gift from a friend of mine yesterday. She just moved to Bozeman, MT and sent us "authentic" MT huckleberry gifts. They include honey, jam, chocolate, and hot cocoa. Mmmm. Can't wait to dig in. What a sweetie.

We leave for Florida in two weeks. I can't wait. I started buying trashy magazines to read on the plane and making sure all our reservations are set and documented with hard copies. With this snow and the coming cold, 10 days in Florida will be heavenly.

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