I Don't Know What Happened

The morning started off well. As well as it could with us skipping church again. Maybe it's my fault. Instead of waking Bob up to go to church, I think he would get up if he really wants to go. If it were really a priority, he would get up in time to go. So I don't even attempt waking him.

Instead, I got dinner ready. I rubbed Chinese 5 spice powder on some pork chops. Then, in the crockpot I pot the following; a can of chicken stock, 3/4 cup of dark soy sauce, 2 tblsp dark sesame oil, 1/4 cup dark brown sugar, 4 cloves of garlic crushed, half an onion sliced, 2 inches of fresh ginger sliced thinly, and a container of mushrooms. I stirred it all and then added the porkchops. I cooked it on low for several hours. I served it with oriental noodles and baked egg rolls.

I also spent a lot of time in prayer this morning. I am back on track in getting to know God. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible and praying. Much of my time in prayer was spent praying for Bob. I prayed for his healing, for him to find his calling, and for our relationship. I wanted to reconcile with God AND with Bob.

Yet my good morning was completely ruined and I don't know how it happened. Bob woke up and started talking to me about money. I think that's what did it. We are getting everything in order. We are making it work and yet we really have trouble communicating about it. We have trouble finding time to sit down together to talk about it. We have trouble communicating our needs, desires, wants, and hopes about it.

I got paid on Friday and normally we sit down Thursday night and do bills together online. But now we have this financial class on Thursday nights and we don't get home until almost 9:30. Well, I'm already wiped out from a long day of work and then this class. Bob wanted to do bills and I just wanted to go to bed. On Friday, I came home and Bob was in bed. By the time he got up to go to the store, I was heavily invested in reading The Husband. So we put it off again. Saturday our DSL was out until about 1:30. Bob had to go to the store and I was watching Lost when he decided to do bills.

When we started talking about this, I said that it's hard for me to just stop what I'm doing to do what it is Bob wants me to do. I can't just do what he wants the minute he wants to do it. I said it's like when he asks for sex, he wants me to just be in the mood the minute he wants it. I'm not like that. Then he says to me, "Yeah and you'll notice I haven't asked you for that recently either." Which made me cry.

The fight escaladed from there. It was the worst fight we've ever had. At one point, Bob threatened to leave me for a week. I don't know how it happened. I had spent the morning praying for him and feeling closer to him than I had in a long, long time. Yet here we were tearing each other apart and fighting like cats and dogs.

We worked it out yet we are both scared. We admitted we need help and we will probably be seeking some professional help. Yet it's scary. How can something so seeminly strong unravel so quickly? How can I love someone so much and dislike them so much at the same time? How can I be working so hard at something and still feel like it's getting me nowhere?

Man, this marriage thing is hard.