Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Learning the Lesson the Hard Way

I just will not learn.  How is it possible to be absolutely, positively certain about something and still be so completely wrong and off the mark? 

I was positive I was pregnant.  I was positive that when Bob and I, um, had relations last month that the end result would be a pregnancy.  I just knew it.  I was positive.  My period was due on Sunday.  It didn’t show.  It didn’t show on Monday or Tuesday either.  Last night I dreamt about taking pregnancy tests.  I even allowed myself to do the unthinkable, hope and dream.  I thought that the brown discharge last week was a sign of implantation.  I thought the mildly sore boobs were a sign of pregnancy.  I thought my instant, absolute weariness around 2pm was a sign of pregnancy.  I thought that my sudden irritability and emotional outbursts was a sign of pregnancy.

I imagined telling Bob about it on Valentine’s Day.  I imagined telling my mother at our visit next month.  I imagined telling all the friends who have been praying for years and years.  I imagined being pregnant.  I imagined going to the doctor and telling my boss and even thought of what kind of arrangements we would have to make in cleaning the kitty litter.

It turns out that all of this was all for naught.  My period made its appearance today.  You would think I would have learned by now.  I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different.  I don’t know why I was so positive that our bodies would have finally produced a pregnancy.  After 5 years of trying and failing.  After 5 years of hoping and praying. After 5 years of dying a little each and every month.  You would think I would have learned better by now.


Yvonne said...

I am so sad for you and so sorry for your heartache. I know what it feels like to need something so badly but not be able to make it happen. Gentle hugs to you.

Rachelle said...

I'm SO sorry .... :(

My husband and I went through this for 2 years can be so frustrating.....we are over 35 too.

I'd like to suggest a book to you, it really helped us out:

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler

It's a great book with a lot of information.

Take thoughts are with you.

farmerbarb said...

Oh Amy - I am sooo sorry. I can honestly say I have been in your shoes, and I did the same things - I guess when you want something so badly, your mind tricks you into seeing and feeling things that aren't really there. By the grace of God, my husband and I were blessed with one child. After a tubal pregnancy, we were never able to conceive again. It's been 21 years with no birth control, and nothing. At this point, (I'm almost 48) we'd probably freak out if it happened, but only for a minute. The yearning never goes away.

Anyway - my thoughts are with you. I guess I should have sent this in an email - didn't intend for it to be so long. Sorry!

misosmart said...

I can empathize with you. With my own personal struggle with infertility I endured over 354 periods and over 100 negative pregnancy tests. I did it for 16 years until we went the donor egg route.

Take care

Sandy said...

Aw, Amy! I don't know if you remember me, but I was lobsterchick on diaryland, and we used to read each other's blogs. I tracked you down yet again because I'm considering lap band surgery and remembered you'd done the GB. I'm thinking of you, girl, and hoping my best that your prayers come true.