I just will not learn. How is it possible to be absolutely, positively certain about something and still be so completely wrong and off the mark?
I was positive I was pregnant. I was positive that when Bob and I, um, had relations last month that the end result would be a pregnancy. I just knew it. I was positive. My period was due on Sunday. It didn’t show. It didn’t show on Monday or Tuesday either. Last night I dreamt about taking pregnancy tests. I even allowed myself to do the unthinkable, hope and dream. I thought that the brown discharge last week was a sign of implantation. I thought the mildly sore boobs were a sign of pregnancy. I thought my instant, absolute weariness around 2pm was a sign of pregnancy. I thought that my sudden irritability and emotional outbursts was a sign of pregnancy.
I imagined telling Bob about it on Valentine’s Day. I imagined telling my mother at our visit next month. I imagined telling all the friends who have been praying for years and years. I imagined being pregnant. I imagined going to the doctor and telling my boss and even thought of what kind of arrangements we would have to make in cleaning the kitty litter.
It turns out that all of this was all for naught. My period made its appearance today. You would think I would have learned by now. I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different. I don’t know why I was so positive that our bodies would have finally produced a pregnancy. After 5 years of trying and failing. After 5 years of hoping and praying. After 5 years of dying a little each and every month. You would think I would have learned better by now.