Friday, May 18, 2007

3 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back

There is a new guy starting on June 4th.  Once he starts, our department, which used to feature more women than men, will feature 4 women in a sea of men.  We are an island unto ourselves.  Its a new world at Big Bank Co.

Every time we make progress in baby land, something happens to scare Bob and he says, “We can’t have children until….” and then he issues some kind of ultimatum.  It’s like a punishment he metes out as he sees fit.  The only problem is that there just is no good/perfect time to have kids.  Also, we don’t even know if the insemination will work and I will be 40 this year.  I don’t have a lot of time to just wait until he deems it a “perfect” time to have kids.  I know we have to be on the same page and can’t move ahead until we are, but this is just so frustrating.  We are actually planning on seeing a marriage counselor in the next couple of weeks so I hope a neutral third party can help us work through some of this stupid communication crap.  I just feel like it’s 3 steps forward, 2 steps back with him on this issue.  If we could get pregnant the conventional way, it might be easier because it would “just happen”.  However, with the insemination, there is a lot less mystery to the whole thing and maybe that’s what freaks him out.  I don’t know.

Thank God for my girlfriends though.  They came over last night for some girly time and I tell you, nothing makes me feel better than venting to them and having them understand and sympathize.  They know me.  They know Bob.  They know our history and our “story”.  They can give me advice, tell me the truth, lay it on the line, and/or whatever else I need to hear at the time.  I love them.

I love Bob too but he is going through something I have no explanation or reference for.  He is depressed.  He is solemn.  He is working through something but he won’t share all of it with me because he’s afraid of my reaction I guess.  I don’t know.  It seems like he is saving up all the stuff he wants to talk about until we meet with the counselor, although he told me today that he wouldn’t dump all over me when we do meet him.  God I hope not.  I just don’t know how to handle this except to offer to listen and be available.  He HATES it when I cry over crap but I can’t help that.  I am just a crier, always have been.  I cry over tenderness shown in commercials for goodness sake, how am I NOT to cry over tender things in my relationship with Bob?

In other news, I was trying to stretch the amount of cat food we had until today (pay day) so I could run to the pet food warehouse and pick up some more, but we ran out yesterday morning.  Last night and this morning I had to resort to feeding our felines pink salmon from the stay fresh pouch.  THEY loved it.  I felt like the world’s worst momma for having to resort to pantry pickins’.   Thankfully, Bob said he would run out and get some regular cat food today, so that was helpful and much appreciated.

This weekend will be low-key but will feature the final patio flower planting.  It looks so good already, I can’t wait until it’s all done. Unfortunately, the whole weekend is supposed to feature rain and thunderstorms. The rain is good for the flowers, but a little warmth and sun is nice in order to bask in the beauty of our patio garden.

1 comment:

Gael said...

Aw, that must be discouraging. Are his "until" requirements logical, like "until we have plans for daycare," or are they nebulous, like "until I feel 100% ready to be a dad"? Because the first one I can get behind, the second one will never fully be answered, I fear.