Sunday, December 09, 2007

Sad

Yesterday we hosted Bob's family Christmas gathering. It wasn't a great time. Bob's mom and step dad didn't come. Unbeknownst to us, they are not doing well health-wise. I guess the walk up to our building is hard on Bob's mom. We did not know that. We host family things here because it's accessible for Bob. None of our family live in homes that Bob can get into to. So Bob's family had to choose...go somewhere Bob can go or go somewhere their Mom can go. That sucks. Bob's brother said something about meeting somewhere neutral that is both accessible and easy to get to for Mom. I don't know where that would be unless we rent a hotel room or something.

Another difficult moment was when my sister-in-law brought pictures of her baby granddaughters to show me. She had photo after photo and she put each one in front of me and asked me again and again how cute I thought they were. They are cute but having those babies shoved in front of me like that was like waving a steak dinner in front of a starving man but telling him he can't eat it, he an only appreciate it's scent and appearance.

All Bob's siblings have kids and some of those kids have kids. Hearing them talk about their own family traditions and how they were going to spend Christmas was killing me. I told Bob I was going back to the apartment and I just cried. Bob came to see if I was OK and when I told him what was bothering me he finally asked me the question I'd been fearing for some time. He asked, "Aren't you and I enough?" I said no. As much as I love Bob and as much as I love being married to him, it's not enough. And then I cried some more.

Thinking ahead to what the future holds is scary. We don't have kids so we won't get the joy and pleaure of seeing them grow. We won't share holiday traditions with them. We won't get to see them grow up and get married and have their own families. We will just be alone. Just us...forever. And it's not like we can just go to other people's homes and join them for holiday happenings. See above in regards to accessibility concerns.

In thinking about this today, I realized I seem to be sad all the time. Right now is especially difficult. God, who knew the holidays could suck so much? Anyway, I hate that Bob has to have the saddest wife in all the land so I started think about what could change (Other than the obvious children thing) in order to make things better. What did I come up with? Moving.

See, Bob and I have always wanted to live in a warmer locale, especially by the ocean. If we can't make our dream of parenthood a reality, maybe we can make our ocean-side living dream come true. We talked a little bit about it tonight. We agreed to think about it. I saw a couple of jobs held by Big Bank Co in Florida and will consider applying later in the week. There is still a lot to work through if this is something we're going to do. It's only in the thinking/talking stage if anything but it's better than what we've been doing lately.

In happier news, I met with
Kathy today. I wanted some cool, fun, jewelery to wear with my new graduation dress and Kathy is going to make it for me. Cool, huh?

1 comment:

Kbg said...

It's so hard during the holidays...especially Christmas. There is no magic solution for getting through it...I just wanted you to know that I know the pain and no one can tell you how to handle it. The only thing that worked for me was to get outside of myself...each time I felt all that coming on, I would go out and do something nice for someone for no good reason at all and have the satisfaction that I was doing something positive. It quiets the soul for a short bit, but the roar returns all too quickly. Today your thing to do outside yourself is to tell Bob that he is everything in the world to you and that you are just hoping that somehow that will translate into a child for you both. Children mean different things to men...with men the wife is the crowning jewel...you are that for him, and letting him know that he is that for you is key. A husband's comforting hand on your shoulder, a quick hug, or an understanding, "Honey, can you help me for a minute or two in the kitchen as I can't find...." when those photos are being passed about is also key. Let him know that. It is so hard to say, "Oh, thank you for sharing the photos...they are lovely." But, you have to say it. You just do. There is no getting around it. Make each day your's...it's all you can do at the moment. And know that we are all here cheering for you.