This is how I feel

Swirling Skies Over the Interstate
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was with a baby. And that baby was me at 6 months old. I knew this and I think the baby might have known it too. I remember making her smile and giggle. I remember just being in awe at how cute she was and how much I felt rewarded by her smiles and giggles. I remember being so much in love with her and wanting her to know only love and care and kindness. I wanted to sheild her from hurt and life and harshness. I remember her beautiful baby feet. Those dimpled and sweet wiggly toes...oh so cute. And then I woke up. I think I need to learn to love myself and maybe starting at babyhood is as good a place as any. Man, I was cute!

If You're Broken and You Know it Clap Your Hands

I got an email from another department about scheduling an interview.  I left a voicemail and an email and have not heard back.  At this point I feel like I would take anything…although I am being picky about which positions I am applying for.  So, we shall see.

It is incidents such as the one I’m about to describe that drive me crazy about my job.  I am working on a small project where I go through all our annuity policies that have been marked for cancellation and am checking to see if they have indeed been cancelled.  If so, I cancel them in our system.  If not, I reinstate them.  For some reason, two of the policies I cancelled showed up on our deposit tally sheets.  My boss asked me why I hadn’t matched and applied these two deposits.  I looked them up and said it was because I didn’t have them on my totals list for today.  She looked closer and noted that they came from my cancellation sheet.  So she went to Loud Girl’s cube to confer with her about why that might happen.  All I could hear was Loud Girl whispering about “she must have done something wrong,”  “She messed it up somehow,”  “She must have…”, “She can’t do anything without messing it up.”  Sound familiar?  Same things are going through my head all the time.  We still don’t know why these things showed up, other than a glitch in the system.  Still, not fun to be whispered about.  It seems that what I feel in my heart is true.  Not only am I broken, but others see it too.

We looked at a condo last night that I really liked.  However, they did not have in unit laundry and there would need to be some updates in the near future.  But the rooms are large, there are 2 bathrooms and 2 bedrooms and a 40 ft patio.  The building and grounds are spotless and it’s in our neighborhood.  Bob’s boss is selling it and said to make an offer.  I emailed our realtor to see what similar units have been selling for and what the association fees are.  Even though the other one was nicer, I like this one better.

Still, it looks as though we will be putting off ownership for another year.  My short term disability claim was denied.  That means that even though today is pay day, I did not get paid.  I did not get PTO, holiday pay, disability pay, or any kind of pay.  Thank God Bob’s SSI pays for our rent.  We should be OK though it will certainly be tight for the next 2 weeks.   I should be getting a refund from my college for the class I dropped, but that isn’t expected until after the 7^th.  So…Yikes!  Every time we get a little ahead, we fall a little behind.

Tonight I am going to a PJ party at my favorite yarn/coffee shop.  In light of our financial set back, I wouldn’t normally go, but it was set up as a pre-pay event with an RSVP.  Thankfully we had the funds to do that at the time, so I am looking forward to a girly night of tea, chocolate, wine, coffee, cheese, massages, and yarn!  I hope it’s not one of those things where everyone shows up as a pair and I’m the only singleton.  I’ve been to the Yarn Café before on my own and managed to always meet someone and chat, so I’m not too worried.  Plus, I get along with the owner and if she’s there, I know I will have someone to chat with for a bit anyway.  I will, of course, have pictures.  I am going to wear my shiny red PJs and red fuzzy slippers.  Bob will be at work.

I used 4 small tomatoes from my very own tomato plant to make salsa last night.  Well, it’s actually more of a pico de gallo, and I had to also use 3 roma tomatoes from the grocery store.  But it was soooooo good!  To the tomatoes I added yellow bell pepper, cilantro, purple and Vidalia onion, cumin, salt, pepper, and a dash of Emeril’s Southwest Essence.  It tastes so fresh and sassy.  Love. It.  I brought it to work today and the gang ate it up.  I think I may use the leftovers for a nice omelet in the morning.

I have to get a jump on some homework this weekend.  I am in class again beginning August 7^th.  I don’t want to start out all lost and behind again.  While Bob does his thing at the gas station, I will settle in with my new syllabus and books and try to get something done before next weekend and I’m all overwhelmed again.  Gotta do this and do it right.

Broken

Counseling today was good.  Although when talking about counseling, the word “good” can have different interpretations.  Actually, I am learning a lot through my counseling experiences.  Most of what I am learning I don’t usually bring up here.  Members of Bob’s and my family read this and what I am learning has everything to do with me and my perceptions.  Nothing of what I’m learning makes me go back and blame my family in any way.  I love my family and they did a great job raising me. They did the best with what they had and with what they knew how to do.  It would do none of us any good for me to share my discoveries only to have a member of my family misunderstand or misconstrue what I’ve written.  The goal is for total health, healing, and understanding.  The goal is not to blame, shift focus and attention, or to hurt anyone.  That does not mean that some of what I am learning stems back from my childhood.  Because a lot of what I’m dealing with does stem back from childhood.  However, I do not blame my family.  What I have to do is realize that whatever happened in childhood happened and I took away perceptions of myself from that time and have carried them with me.  Right or wrong, they are mine and I have to learn how to undo them…or redo them…or get over them.  Whatever.  The point is, that if I happen to share something I am learning about me and my attitudes and perceptions that may have their roots in my childhood, I am not blaming my family for how I was treated, raised, or taught.  I am sharing my discoveries about myself and am learning how to overcome the negative perceptions I have carried with me since childhood.  Is that clear as mud?  If not, maybe the people who are related to me should just stop reading now.

Interrupted to say I just found out that the condo we looked at last night would cost us just under $1500/month including the mortgage, association fees, and taxes.  Um, that is NOT affordable.  I am going out on Saturday to look at a couple of other places and Bob and I are going out tonight to see a condo his boss has for sale.  Do I need to say that I am not optimistic?

Back to topic at hand.  The big breakthrough today is that in my head, I am broken.  I believe this about myself.  It is what feels true to me about myself.  I am broken mentally, hence the need for counseling and anti-depressants.  I am broken physically, hence the infertility and obesity.  I am broken sexually, hence the lack of desire and stimulation.  I am just broken.  I am bad.  I am not normal.  This is what I have taken out of childhood.  For some reason, I picked up, learned, and brought forth that I am bad, broken, and terrible.  I grew up loved, cared for, and taken care of.  I do not know where I got this message, but for me, it feels true.  In my head I know it is not true.  Bob can tell me over and over how pretty, sexy, kind, generous, great, and fabulous I am and I can hear his compliments and thank him.  But they don’t feel true.  They don’t feel right.  They don’t feel like me.  The bad, negative, and broken stuff feels true.   I am fat.  I am crazy.  I am lazy.  I am a quitter.  I am not working up to my potential.  I am depressing to be around.  I am a cry baby.  I am selfish.  I am broken.  Maybe some of that stuff is true some of the time and I know there is positive stuff that is true some of the time, but I don’t live in the positive stuff. I live in the negative stuff.  Wouldn’t it seem logical that this is why work is so hard for me right now?  I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job because I can’t do a good job because I am broken.  I am NOT doing a good job because I am broken.

Even worse, I don’t enjoy sex because I am broken.  For some reason I cannot disassociate the act of lovemaking from the act of conception.  And every time we make love and it doesn’t amount to a baby in my womb, I am reminded that I am broken.  So I come away with what is the point of making love?  Sad, but true.  And yet, not that I realize this and know this about me, shouldn’t it be easier to fix me?   Wouldn’t it be great if there was some tool that my counselor or my doctor to take to me, adjust and ratchet and hammer in me until I am fixed?  That would be ideal. 

I just don’t feel like everyone else.  Other women can plan things in such a way that they have sex when they are ovulating and TADA they become pregnant.  I cannot. I am not normal.  I am broken.  I am the only one in my whole family who goes to counseling.  I am not normal.  I am broken.  Other people can get through 4 years of college or 2 years of back to college studies in a row without fizzling. I cannot.  I am not normal.  I am broken.  There are people who can break their addictions to caffeine, cola, chocolate, food.  I cannot.  I am not normal. I am broken.

This is what I need to work on.  This is what I need to fix.  Yeah, that should be easy.

I am OK for Another Day

We are going to look at a condo tonight.  It’s about the size of our current apartment.  It’s in the same town we live in now.  It has 2 beds/2 baths and in unit laundry. (Yay!) The price is in our range and the association fees around outrageous.  If we like it, I don’t know what we will do since we don’t have pre-financing yet.  There is another condo we want to look at that is owned and being sold by Bob’s boss at the gas station.  He said he is flexible on the price.  The associate fees are high so I am hoping he means what he says about being flexible.  We have until the end of the week to make a decision about staying in our apartment for another year.

Counseling yesterday was good.  I ended up bawling at the last 5 minutes and left with puffy, achy eyes.  I talked about what happens if we never have children.  How do I come to terms with that?  Does it hurt for the rest of my life?  Do I ever get over that?  My counselor says I need to grieve it and feel the loss.  When I allow myself to feel it, it hurts so much.  I asked her if I will always feel bittersweet about my friends and families pregnancies.  Will I ever get to a point where I can just be happy for them and not feel my own sorrow and loss?  Of course she didn’t know the answer to that.

Bob and I are going to have the kittens declawed.  They chew the softpaws right off.  I had to replace one whole paw on Chloe when I got home from WI and another whole paw this morning.  Little stinkers.  We can’t declaw for another couple of months but they need to be spayed next month.  We’ll see what happens.

I talked to a representative from Joni and Friends today.  She was really nice and had a lot of good ideas.  She even mentioned a few churches in the area that are very disability minded.  One of them is a church we were interested in looking into at one time.  She also said that we might be able to apply for their grant and put that towards adoption fees. She said she’d never heard of anyone using it for that, but she doesn’t see why we couldn’t.  The worst they could say is no and then we would be no worse off.  Good idea!  We will see how that goes as well.

So, things are moving along…not bad, not great, but fine. I will take that.

Collecting Sea Shells

This week's quote is:
"One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few."~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh ~

I guess this means that life cannot be all beauty and fun and greatness. That life is only beautiful because the crappy stuff makes what isn't crappy more wonderful. I guess that makes sense.

My weekend away was wonderful because I had no commitments, no real plans, nothing standing in my way. I was able to spend time with friends and family uninterupted and it was amazing.

Right now I am frustrated with work (to see why, read yesterday's entry) and all I really want to do it run away. I want to start over. Begin a new life with Bob somewhere else...anywhere else. What I really want to do is raise horses and use them to help kids in need of physical therapy. I want a half dozen dogs and a bunch of cats. I want land near water and a porch. I want hard physical labor and a soft hammock to nap in. I want sunrises and sunsets and a gigantic garden. All of these things would be the seashells on the shore of my life. Right now I feel as if I am drowning in the sea of responsibilities and I need to land on the beach. I keep treading water, but all I get is tired.

When we are in Florida, my favorite place to visit is not Disneyworld. I get excited for our visits to the ocean. I love the waves, the power, the vastness, the sounds, and I love collecting shells. I always walk the beaches in search of new, odd, and beautiful specimens of sea shells. I pick them up, wash them off and bring them home. I live in landlocked Minnesota. We don't have sea shells in Minnesota. The shells I bring home remind me of our trip and our time at the ocean. They still smell of salt and sand and wind and ocean. I love our shells. I am happy for the memories. Part of me wishes we lived at the ocean so we could smell the sea and hear it every day. But if we lived at the sea, it might not be as special to me as it is. I might come to take it for granted...or even worse, I might come to hate it. I might come to hate the salt that covers everything and the wetness that is forever warping. I might come to see the sea as something to dread. Something that annoys rather than something majestic and holy and grand.

I guess in the same way I cherish my memories of the good times. If everything was all good all the time, I would not look upon the good times as I do. I would not consider them fondly and with good will. They would just be there. Maybe some day I will look upon this difficult time with a certain type of fondness as well. Maybe one day I will look back on the changes this time brought about and the lessons I learned and will realize that I had to go through them in order to get to the next thing, the next level, the next "ocean of awe" for me. I sure hope so. I don't feel like collecting times like this. Not like I do the good times and the good memories. But without the tough times, I may not grow to appreciate the good times as I do.

Back at Work

I’m back at work today. It is going OK although my boss requested a meeting with me today and at that meeting, she told me that I haven’t been performing up to par and that while I was gone, she discovered some things that disappointed and surprised her but she won’t go over those things with me until my semi-annual review next month. So, no idea what she could mean, although I know I have not been performing well lately…duh. And she said I would not be getting preferential treatment and would have to put my nose to the grindstone and work hard. I never asked for preferential treatment and I am ready to work hard. She also said she is surprised I am going back to school so soon and if I become distracted again, she will have to talk to me about putting off school for a time since work comes first. Work might come first but they don’t get to tell me what to do with my free time or schooling. Finally, she said that last week we had one day with no transactions at all and she is getting pressure from her higher ups to dictate in actual time what my duties are and how long each one should/does take. She is going to scrutinize me and my job for the next couple of weeks to see what I am doing and how long it is taking me. She is also going to structure my day more so than she has been so I have enough things to keep me busy. I wish they would just cut my position and let me look for something else within the company. Actually, I wish I could just magically transform myself into someone who keeps/care/boards horses and runs training and therapy camps for kids. I think that would be the best job in the world.

My trip home was good though quite quick. I got to my folks’ house Thursday night in time for dinner and then chatted with them for a bit. I realized I had forgotten some things so I made a quick trip to Wally World to pick up the forgotten items. Since I was out and about, I made a quick cruise through town and noticed a couple of new buildings, a couple of new vacancies, and not much else new, exciting, or different. I also got myself a nice car wash since the dead bugs had built up on my windshield and a bird had relieved itself within my sightline on the windshield. I got home and chatted with my folks some more before going to bed.

Friday I woke up earlier than I intended. I had wanted to sleep in but slept pretty crappily and just decided to get up. My nephews were there so we chatted and played and watched a movie. Then mom took us all to lunch at the Pizza Hut. After lunch, I loaded up my car and drove to West Bend to see some friends I haven’t seen for years. Since our last meeting, 3 children have been born and they were all there to delight over. I love these friends. Even though we hadn’t seen each other in years, it was as if we hadn’t been apart at all. The conversation was easy and fun. There was laughter that comes from the belly and lasts a long, long time. There was food and the holding and cooing of babies. There was catching up and remember whens and who’s doing what nows. It was fun and yet bittersweet because though we used to have this kind of fellowship nearly daily for several years, now it’s several years between visits and that’s no fun at all. I left there around 9 and got home near to midnight. Gas prices near Milwaukee shocked me. Nearly $3.20 for a gallon. In Madison it’s nearly $3.10. When I left MN, it was $2.89.

Saturday I wanted to sleep late but again was thwarted. I got up and was on the way to the Madison Farmer’s Market by 7:30. The market was still packed with yuppie families and hippy shoppers. I got my traditional Chai latte and made my way once around the square to see what kinds of bargains and offerings were to be had. The second trip is for buying. I bought some cheese curds. White, not yellow. I bought some goats cheese too, a little feta, some cheddar, and Muenster. I got a couple of ears of my favorite bi-color sweet corn and some funny purple and white bell peppers. Finally, I got some home made pasta that I can’t wait to make tonight with some grilled chicken breasts. I got the goods and instead of heading directly home, I swung by the UW Memorial Union to check out the terrace and the lake. I wished I had had some coffee so I could have just sat and drunk in the sight of the lake along with my brew. But I took some photos and enjoyed the lake for a bit before heading for home.

Mom and dad were leaving for a party in MN for Mom’s brother. We said goodbye and I finished our laundry. I realized that I could just leave for The Cities after visiting my brother and still make it home before dark. I finished the laundry, packed up my stuff, stripped the bed I’d been sleeping in and threw all the linens in the wash, and went to my brother’s to visit him and his family. The visit was laid back and fun. The boys played in, by, around their pool while the grown ups chatted. I ended up leaving their place around 4:30. I stopped for a bite to eat and then hit the road home. I started driving in sun, but soon hit some swirly scary clouds that looked ominous. No bad weather though and was soon back in the bright sunshine. I made it home by 9, which was pretty good time. Bob was surprised to see me, but happy to have me home. I have never been so glad to be home in my life. I unpacked, picked up, and vegged until my eyelids could stay open no more.

Sunday was another veg day. Bob had to work so I made us brunch before he left. I also had a roast in the crockpot for later. I uploaded my photos to Flickr (check them out by clicking my Flickr badge) and caught up on my email. I was in bed early and read until my eyes drooped. Overall, it was a good weekend and a nice way to end these past 2 weeks. I am scared about what is to come and nervous about being back at work, especially when things seem so up in the air and yet so stern and hard-nosed. We shall see what transpires.

Fishing

Bob with a GIANT sunfish I caught and Victor Nelson in the background
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

The photo above shows Bob holding a fish I caught Tuesday night while fishing Cedar Lake. Isn't it huge? Ha! The guy in the background is our new friend Victor from Memphis. He was an extra in The Firm and The People Vs. Larry Flint. He has his SAG card. He's a cook! He's one chatty fellow. We had a good time though we weren't catching as many or as large of fish as last week. It might have been because it was windy and cooler. Who knows. Fish are tempermental.

While fishing, Bob and I talked. Of course he was fine with me telling him all that's been going on in my head. I mean he wasn't really surprised. He's been experiencing my pulling away first hand. What he didn't know was why. We have more talking to do, but it was a good start.

Bob left last night to go north to visit some friends. I am leaving today to go visit my hometown friends and family. Bob comes back tomorrow and I come back on Sunday. I am back at work on Monday and back to school on August 7th. I would appreciate your prayers. I am scared about this whole cycle prepetuating itself again.

I am looking forward to my visit to my home town. I will see my family for sure. I am waiting to hear from a good friend who lives in Milwaukee to see if we can get together on Saturday but she hasn't called me back yet. For sure I will be perusing the Farmer's Market on Saturday morning and possibly taking in some live music. Can't. Wait. I leave in just a few hours...directly after counseling. I am well prepared with things to drink, my suitcase, my camera, my phone, and enough books on tape to cover the 5 hour drive. WI here I come!

Sewing It Back On

bee on a pansy
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

“When life whacks you so hard your head flies off, sew it back on and keep going.” ~ Mary Pierce ~

This is the quote for today from Christian Women Online's "In Other Words" feature. Man does this seem to fit me today.

Life seemed to be so good when Bob and I got married in September of 2001. 9/11 had just happened and the nation mourned the loss of life and innocense while taking collective stock of their own lives and situations. We were so thankful to be safe and alive and in love. Six months later our world imploded around us. Bob received his Muscular Dystrophy diagnosis, his best friend had a stroke and became paralyzed from the nose down, and Bob lost his job. In the next year we had to declare bankruptcy, Bob was relagated to a wheelchair, and I became the main wage earner for our home. Not only that but Bob was hospitalized in ICU for a week with a mysterious blood disorder that affected his breathing and he retained over 40 pounds of fluid. The doctors never did figure out what caused this...it mysteriously disappeared as it had appeared.

Through all of this I felt as though life was whacking my head right off my body and in order to survive, I HAD to sew it back on and keep going. There was hardly any time to stop and think...I just kept going.

Which brings us to today. Last week in counseling I discovered a root cause to my anxiety and depression. Know what it is? I resent my husband. I hate saying/typing that. I love him but I resent him. In trying to help him and to make our home comfortable for him, I ended up doing everything and not asking for help. It's just easier for me to do it. Granted, he does do laundry and that's a huge burden off my shoulders, but pretty much everything else falls to me.

Making meals? Check
Making beds? Check
Cleaning? Check
Paying bills? Check
Cleaning cat boxes? Check
Washing dishes? Check
Putting things away? Check
Picking up crap on the floor? Check

And as most of you know, that's just the short list. Add a full time job and full time school and is it any surprise that I became overwhelmed and anxious? So, today in counseling I hope to learn some strategies that will allow me to talk to Bob about all of this without placing blame on him or hurting him. Then, while we go fishing tonight, maybe I can talk to him about it.

I am off work again this week but everything seems to be in place to go back on Monday. I am taking a trip to my home town this weekend to see my family and friends. It will be a nice break.

Sometimes I Wish I Were a Kitten

A Trio of Sleepy Kitties
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

Today was better than yesterday. That's saying alot. I want to thank everyone who left a comment and a verse for me to meditate. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers.

I met with my counselor today. It was hard but it went really well. I started my session telling her about my epiphany in the Holiday Mart. How I was looking for junk food to fill that big empty space inside me and I realised, nothing in the Holiday Mart would fill that big empty space inside me. Then she asked me, "What is that empty space?" And I didn't know. Maybe it's a belief in myself. Maybe is a sense of purpose. I don't know.

We also talked about how I still believe I don't deserve help. How I crave it but when it's offered I either reject it, feel guilty and accept it, or accept it conditionally still feeling unworthy of receiving it. I think it stems from my weird combination of independence and extreme sensitivity, but who knows.

We talked about how I tend to feel like people who offer help and/or advice or suggestions to fix various situations are above me looking down on me whereas people who come along side of me and empathize and just express concern are on equal footing. It makes sense in my mind any way.

I still feel like I wish I could just run away and start over fresh and brand new somewhere else with a new name, idenity, job, etc. I'm not going to do that, but sometimes I wish I could. When I told my counselor as much she kind of chuckled and said, "It would be a great way to start over if only you were guaranteed a positive outcome from that." Yeah, I know. I still drag all the same baggage with me.

Bob decided to spend his hard earned money taking me out on a date. We went to Sunsets on Lake Minnetonka. It was heavenly. The food was good and the view spectacular. The company was the best, though. Sunsets is in hoity toity Wayzata. It's a quaint little lake-side city with an upscale downtown area. After dinner we took a walk on the docks to see the fish. There were about 50 sun fish hanging out looking for chow. I hocked a lugie into the lake and they all swam for it. Yuck! After that we walked the lake walk for a while. All the while we had a really good talk. It was a much needed time alone together.

We are hoping to go fishing tomorrow. We are just going to drive to a lake and hang out at a local lake and see what we can catch. I tend to go for the small but plentiful while Bob takes his time and goes for the biggest fish he can find. The weather is supposed to get much hotter beginning tomorrow. They are saying 100 by Saturday. We turned on our air tonight in anticipation of the coming heat wave.

Not sure what each day will bring. I just pray for healing and a better day tomorrow than I had today.

"In Other Words"

"Once in a while you have to take a break and visit yourself ." - Audrey Giorgi
It seems appropriate that my first entry into Christian Women Online's "In Other Words" Blog Participation Event should be to write about the quote above and what it means to me.

I think this is what I am doing right now in order to try and get better. I am taking a break in order to get to know myself better and hopefully heal. Tomorrow I will meet with my counselor in order to get to the bottom of why I cannot escape this depression that continues to haunt me. Not only the depression but the searing self loathing that has accompanied it.

In my head I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that the LORD knows the number of hairs on my head and that He has plans for me that are for good and not for evil. Yet my heart feels differently. I need to get to the place where my head and my heart know and believe the same things.

I need to take this time to learn what is good and pleasant and honorable about me. Bob tells me what is good about me and I fear to believe it. Yet I need to take this time to learn what it is that others like about me. I know what is not good about me and what needs improvement. I am going to take this break in order to visit myself and learn what it is that God has implanted inside of me that is good and worthy of life.

If any of you have any encouraging verses you can pass my way, please leave them in the comments section. I will use this break to look them up, reflect on them and apply them to how I might get to know myself better through the eyes of God.

After the Weekend

I had a hard weekend. No one thing was hard about it. I just continued to feel empty and lost. When I went to bed last night, I just cried and cried. Bob came home from work while I was crying and held me. He wanted to know why I was crying and for a long while I just couldn't tell him. Finally I came out and told him that the reason I was crying was because I wished I was dead. I wasn't getting better and couldn't see any good for me in the future and I just wished I wasn't here any more. He held me and prayed for, with, and over me until I fell asleep exhuasted. Before I fell asleep, he wanted to know if I should go to the hospital. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to sit in the emergency room so we agreed to wait until today.

Today I called all around...to my regular doctor, my therapist, a therapist friend, and my church to see if anyone could recommend a Christian based inpatient mental health facility. I did not get a call back until after 2. It was my regular therapist. In talking with her about my state of being, she said she though inpatient care was too drastic. So the plan right now is that this week I will see her daily with a re-evaluation on Friday as to whether or not I still think I need hospitalization. I admit I was a little bummed about this because I had psyched myself up for hospitalization. I loaded and started the dishwasher, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned the cat boxes, changed the sheets, and took a shower.

I am not sure how I feel about this right now. I need help. I am not getting better. I feel low and sad and empty and broken. I hope this time I can get the help I need.

What I Could Write About

I haven’t been writing here lately.  It’s not because I don’t have anything to say.  It’s because I don’t know what to say about what I have to say.  I’m still struggling.  And it’s hard.  I don’t like myself.  In fact I guess you could say I hate myself.  I hate how I look.  I hate how I feel.  I hate my mind.  I hate my style.  I hate my personality and my traits.  I hate my habits and my anxieties.  I hate my proclivities.  I hate my addictions.  Hate. Hate. Hate.  So.  What should I write about?

I could write about how much I hate my job right now.  It’s boring.  Bankers are not selling annuities right now.  I am used to processing over a hundred transactions a day. Lately I have been lucky to process 6.  The rest of my day is filled with busy work that is just stuff no one else has time or inclination to do. 

I could write about the one gal at work I cannot get along with.  She does not like me.  I was ambivalent towards her.  However, her disdain of me has created all kinds of self loathing and introspection on my part.  Why doesn’t she like me?  Am I too talkative?  Am I not talkative enough?  Am I too perky?  Am I too maudlin?  Am I too nice? Am I not inclusive enough?  Do I talk about my cats too much?  What?  Why do I give this person so much power over how I feel about myself?  It wasn’t such a big issue until this last bout of depression hit and now I can’t separate how I feel about myself from how she feels about me.  She never acknowledges me.  If she sees me in the hall, she walks the other way and doesn’t look at me or say hi.  If I go downstairs to get mail, I will bring everyone’s mail back up with me.  If she goes downstairs to get mail, she will bring everyone’s mail BUT mine.  If I order out for lunch I will send an email asking everyone if they want to go in on a delivery order with me.  If she does, she will ask everyone but me.  It’s not in my imagination that she doesn’t like me.  I just don’t have any idea how to deal with it.  I don’t know what to do and It is driving me crazy and is just one more reason why I don’t like my job.

I could write about how some stupid fuzzy woodland creature chewed through our brand new gas grill hose and the frustration that encompassed me last night as I was trying to light said grill.  I specifically went to the grocery store after lunch to get corn on the cob to grill with our lovely pork ribs and we were left grill-less.  I will be purchasing a repair kit tonight and will be taking the hose inside with me each evening.  Stupid squirrels.

I could write about my non-existent sex drive and Bob’s seeming second puberty.  But I know family members read this…so no.

I could write about how I withdrew from my next class because I don’t yet feel prepared to enter the academic fray again quite yet.  I have one more month off before I jump into the next class.  Man I hope I can get it together in time for that class.

I could write about how bad I feel that Bob is married to me right now.  He was gone overnight one night this week and I felt so much more relief.  I didn’t have to do anything for anyone.  I didn’t have to be an audience to anyone.  I came home and made a dinner I wanted to eat and just sat on the couch watching TV and ended up going to bed around 9pm.  It’s not much different from what I usually do, but I only had me to be concerned about and it felt as if a thousand monkeys had been lifted off my back.  I could also write about how guilty that makes me feel.

I could write about how the other day I stopped by our local quickie mart because I needed something and as I walked the aisles I realized that I wasn’t hungry.  No.  I was empty. I wasn’t looking for something to fill my stomach. I was looking for something to fill this vast hole/void inside me.  And as I walked the aisles I realized that nothing there looked good.  Nothing felt good.  Nothing was going to work to fill that void.  I could write about how I left the store and sat in my car and cried because I felt so empty and could not find anything to fill me.  I could also write about how I went home and ate cookies until I thought I would barf.  Granted the amount of cookies I can eat to barf-hood these days are about 5, but still.

I could write about how the paragraph above bugs me mostly because I remember reading about there being a God-shaped hole in all of us when I was in Jr. High.  I thought I filled that hole with God Himself when I was 14 and discovered a faith and belief and Jesus for myself.  The evidence seems to point to the contrary.  Maybe there are more holes in me than in the guy who wrote that quote.  Who knows.  I just wish I could feel fulfilled instead of this vast empty void of nothingness.

Hmmm.  For not having much to write about, I wrote a lot.

Cat Billboard

Cat Billboard
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

This billboard is by the building where I work and I've been meaning to take a photo of it for months. If you can't tell, it's a giant photo of a fishing lure with large fiberglass cats above and below. If you click my Flickr badge, there is a close up photo of some of the cats. It's a cute billboard.

I am not sure where to begin catching y'all up.

We bought the kittens some Soft Paws claw covers. They are too little for declawing right now but NOT too little to scratch up our carpet, furniture, legs, and bedding. The claw covers have been working out really well except they HATE having them applied and I have to replace one or two a day because I'm still learning how to apply them and they are crazy playful. It looks like we have painted their nails blue, but we just capped them.

This weekend I have been busy running errands and picking up stuff. I received a tuition reimbursement check so I got some much needed...stuff.

Friday I went out at lunch to pick up a new cord for my computer. The kittens chewed up my old one and it wasn't charging anymore. Did you know a new computer cord and converter costs $100? Now you do. After work I ran to Target. I needed to get some greeting cards, a couple of gift cards, and a toaster. The toaster we received as a wedding present died last week and they had the exact same one at Target for under twenty bucks.

I had to get greeting and gift cards because this week has been monumental in life experiences for our friends. My friend SuAnn gave birth to their first baby, a daughter on Tuesday. That same day, Bob's good friend Bill died. On Friday we found out that the health services coordinator at the MDA office gave birth to their first child, a son. The only thing is, he came 11 weeks early and he came while they were in Denver for a wedding. He had to have heart surgery and they might be there for 8-11 weeks while he gets bigger and stronger. Thankfully they are staying at the Ronald McDonald house in Denver so housing is taken care of. But how frustrating must it be to have planned to be away for a weekend wedding and end up having to stay/live there for 8-11 weeks? Crazy.

We got a short thunderstorm early Saturday morning and that was kind of fun. I like sleeping through storms. After that rumbled through, we slept in and that was heavenly. Bob slept more while I ran to Petco to pick up a couple of litter boxes. When I got there I noticed that there were a lot of dogs. Turns out there was a doggie adoption going on. There were some sweet doggies looking for homes. I hope they all find one. After Petco I went to Backmans to find some tomato cages. After that, I went home.

Bob worked at the gas station that afternoon and I set up the new litter boxes and tomato cages. I really enjoy our patio garden. My petunias are getting really leggy. I wish I knew how to keep them low and spread out and not so leggy. My rosy pansies are not doing as well. Only 2 out of 6 have survived so far. I have 6 baby tomatos so far and our morning glory vines have really grown, though they have not yet flowered.

While Bob was working, I decided to take in a matinee. I went to see The Devil Wears Prada. I really liked it. I read the book when it first came out and I think they did a great job of making the movie stand on its own while still being true to the main themes of the book. After the movie I spent the evening on the patio. I read a book and I paid our bills. It felt good to get all our bills paid and the night was beautiful so it was nice to be able to sit outside and do it.

Today Bob and I went to church. It was good. It was hard. There were quite a few friends missing today. I was hoping to see our bestest church friends...the couple we hope to have over on Tuesday...but they were not there. The husband emailed Bob to say they would like to spend the 4th at our place but we have nothing formally planned.

After church we came home and while Bob napped, I made an Italian hotdish for lunch. I just fried up some ground beef, onions, and garlic and added that to some tomato sauce, cooked wagon wheel noodles, and ricotta cheese. I topped that with provalone slices and baked it until it was brown and bubbly on top. It was tasty if I do say so.

Bob went to work at the gas station and I went to Wal-Mart to get tooth paste and facial wash. While there I thought I would pick up a replacement hose for our gas grill. We got this grill out of the trash 3 years ago when we first moved in. We replaced the grates, the lava rocks, and the tank. I tried to use it this spring but while it lit, it didn't stay lit. We figured the hose was shot so I went to get a new one. The replacement hoses were $17.00. A brand new table top gas grill was $20.00. I got the new grill. When I got home, I put it together, hooked it up, pressed the ignitor button, and we had a working grill. I put our old, used grill back in the trash area. It had been used as a charcoal grill before we took it and while it worked, it never quite worked as well as it was supposed to. Our new little grill works like a charm and takes up way less space. It will be easy to put away this winter and we won't have to worry about critters making their winter home in it. (We think this is why our hose didn't work...critters chewing on it and making their winter home in the grill.)

So all in all it was a productive, restful, fun weekend. I have to work tomorrow, but it will be a short day. I have Tuesday off and am looking forward to that. I have a phone interview tomorrow for an administrative position within Big Bank Co. Not sure how that will work out, but I am looking for something that is 30 hours a week and this position is.

Have a happy Independence Day!