Thursday, July 27, 2006

Broken

Counseling today was good.  Although when talking about counseling, the word good can have different interpretations.  Actually, I am learning a lot through my counseling experiences.  Most of what I am learning I dont usually bring up here.  Members of Bobs and my family read this and what I am learning has everything to do with me and my perceptions.  Nothing of what Im learning makes me go back and blame my family in any way.  I love my family and they did a great job raising me. They did the best with what they had and with what they knew how to do.  It would do none of us any good for me to share my discoveries only to have a member of my family misunderstand or misconstrue what Ive written.  The goal is for total health, healing, and understanding.  The goal is not to blame, shift focus and attention, or to hurt anyone.  That does not mean that some of what I am learning stems back from my childhood.  Because a lot of what Im dealing with does stem back from childhood.  However, I do not blame my family.  What I have to do is realize that whatever happened in childhood happened and I took away perceptions of myself from that time and have carried them with me.  Right or wrong, they are mine and I have to learn how to undo themor redo themor get over them.  Whatever.  The point is, that if I happen to share something I am learning about me and my attitudes and perceptions that may have their roots in my childhood, I am not blaming my family for how I was treated, raised, or taught.  I am sharing my discoveries about myself and am learning how to overcome the negative perceptions I have carried with me since childhood.  Is that clear as mud?  If not, maybe the people who are related to me should just stop reading now.

Interrupted to say I just found out that the condo we looked at last night would cost us just under $1500/month including the mortgage, association fees, and taxes.  Um, that is NOT affordable.  I am going out on Saturday to look at a couple of other places and Bob and I are going out tonight to see a condo his boss has for sale.  Do I need to say that I am not optimistic?

Back to topic at hand.  The big breakthrough today is that in my head, I am broken.  I believe this about myself.  It is what feels true to me about myself.  I am broken mentally, hence the need for counseling and anti-depressants.  I am broken physically, hence the infertility and obesity.  I am broken sexually, hence the lack of desire and stimulation.  I am just broken.  I am bad.  I am not normal.  This is what I have taken out of childhood.  For some reason, I picked up, learned, and brought forth that I am bad, broken, and terrible.  I grew up loved, cared for, and taken care of.  I do not know where I got this message, but for me, it feels true.  In my head I know it is not true.  Bob can tell me over and over how pretty, sexy, kind, generous, great, and fabulous I am and I can hear his compliments and thank him.  But they dont feel true.  They dont feel right.  They dont feel like me.  The bad, negative, and broken stuff feels true.   I am fat.  I am crazy.  I am lazy.  I am a quitter.  I am not working up to my potential.  I am depressing to be around.  I am a cry baby.  I am selfish.  I am broken.  Maybe some of that stuff is true some of the time and I know there is positive stuff that is true some of the time, but I dont live in the positive stuff. I live in the negative stuff.  Wouldnt it seem logical that this is why work is so hard for me right now?  I dont feel like Im doing a good job because I cant do a good job because I am broken.  I am NOT doing a good job because I am broken.

Even worse, I dont enjoy sex because I am broken.  For some reason I cannot disassociate the act of lovemaking from the act of conception.  And every time we make love and it doesnt amount to a baby in my womb, I am reminded that I am broken.  So I come away with what is the point of making love?  Sad, but true.  And yet, not that I realize this and know this about me, shouldnt it be easier to fix me?   Wouldnt it be great if there was some tool that my counselor or my doctor to take to me, adjust and ratchet and hammer in me until I am fixed?  That would be ideal. 

I just dont feel like everyone else.  Other women can plan things in such a way that they have sex when they are ovulating and TADA they become pregnant.  I cannot. I am not normal.  I am broken.  I am the only one in my whole family who goes to counseling.  I am not normal.  I am broken.  Other people can get through 4 years of college or 2 years of back to college studies in a row without fizzling. I cannot.  I am not normal.  I am broken.  There are people who can break their addictions to caffeine, cola, chocolate, food.  I cannot.  I am not normal. I am broken.

This is what I need to work on.  This is what I need to fix.  Yeah, that should be easy.

6 comments:

baggage said...

I am broken right there along with you..the infertility, the counseling, the college, the addictions to caffeine and other things. Broken too. Here's hoping we can both realize how unbroken we really are.

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))
The only thing I can offer is understandinding, emphathy and these four words "YOU are NOT alone"

Debby

Anonymous said...

The "self talk" and believing it is so detrimental to one's "being"! It's the saying in our heads..."you're no good, you're a bad person" etc. that needs to be re-wound and a positive "self talk" is to say "I AM good", I AM worthy..I AM NOT broken but a whole person! Have you ever heard of the book "Battle of the Mind"? I highly recommend it! Also in this journey of working yourself out of this hole that 'the enemy' has stuck you in...surround yourself with nothing but positive. Don't read the worthless romance-type novels or feed your mind with junk! Keep on with your anti-depressants and your counseling and for what it's worth~~how do you really know that you're "the only" one??? You might be surprised if you were to take a poll. Sometimes clinical depression can be something that is genetic in nature (as are alot of mental health issues). Maybe "if" people you're related to are not in counseling~~they should be! :-) Blessings to you as you grow...because that is what you are doing. You will emerge like a beautiful butterfly or flower!

Anonymous said...

We're all broken people, because we live in a broken world. I'm sorry that you still are stuck in the recesses of time. I will pray for you, that you will finally "see" that you are a worthy child of a King! Reach out to Him because He's in the business of putting together broken pieces in a loving manner.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your journal and read your entry about being broken. I have to say, it made me smile because I use that term for myself. My husband hates it, but I see it as a good thing. Yes, I'm broken, but broken doesn't mean unfixable! And the things we can't fix give us character and insight that other more "perfect" people miss out on.

..just my take on being broken
=)

My Sping On Things said...

Everyone in your life has issues, and has something they feel broken about, you are not special in that category.

The secret is facing that head on - and being able to move on with your life, and not allowing whatever issues you have paralyze you and continue to keep you stagnant in your life.

As you know I was childless for 16 years. And endured 9 miscarriages, and the death of twin still born girls. I lived by a thermometer, sex revolved around ovulation, shots, charts, and medication for many years.

You aren't broken -- your body just doesn't work like it should for a variety of reasons, whether it be your age, your weight, or some other undiagnosed issue.

So stop blaming yourself, begin some positive self talk. There are things about you that are positive and endearing, and move forward and move on:)

There's an entire life out there waiting for you that wants to be lived:)