Friday, July 07, 2006

What I Could Write About

I havent been writing here lately.  Its not because I dont have anything to say.  Its because I dont know what to say about what I have to say.  Im still struggling.  And its hard.  I dont like myself.  In fact I guess you could say I hate myself.  I hate how I look.  I hate how I feel.  I hate my mind.  I hate my style.  I hate my personality and my traits.  I hate my habits and my anxieties.  I hate my proclivities.  I hate my addictions.  Hate. Hate. Hate.  So.  What should I write about?

I could write about how much I hate my job right now.  Its boring.  Bankers are not selling annuities right now.  I am used to processing over a hundred transactions a day. Lately I have been lucky to process 6.  The rest of my day is filled with busy work that is just stuff no one else has time or inclination to do. 

I could write about the one gal at work I cannot get along with.  She does not like me.  I was ambivalent towards her.  However, her disdain of me has created all kinds of self loathing and introspection on my part.  Why doesnt she like me?  Am I too talkative?  Am I not talkative enough?  Am I too perky?  Am I too maudlin?  Am I too nice? Am I not inclusive enough?  Do I talk about my cats too much?  What?  Why do I give this person so much power over how I feel about myself?  It wasnt such a big issue until this last bout of depression hit and now I cant separate how I feel about myself from how she feels about me.  She never acknowledges me.  If she sees me in the hall, she walks the other way and doesnt look at me or say hi.  If I go downstairs to get mail, I will bring everyones mail back up with me.  If she goes downstairs to get mail, she will bring everyones mail BUT mine.  If I order out for lunch I will send an email asking everyone if they want to go in on a delivery order with me.  If she does, she will ask everyone but me.  Its not in my imagination that she doesnt like me.  I just dont have any idea how to deal with it.  I dont know what to do and It is driving me crazy and is just one more reason why I dont like my job.

I could write about how some stupid fuzzy woodland creature chewed through our brand new gas grill hose and the frustration that encompassed me last night as I was trying to light said grill.  I specifically went to the grocery store after lunch to get corn on the cob to grill with our lovely pork ribs and we were left grill-less.  I will be purchasing a repair kit tonight and will be taking the hose inside with me each evening.  Stupid squirrels.

I could write about my non-existent sex drive and Bobs seeming second puberty.  But I know family members read thisso no.

I could write about how I withdrew from my next class because I dont yet feel prepared to enter the academic fray again quite yet.  I have one more month off before I jump into the next class.  Man I hope I can get it together in time for that class.

I could write about how bad I feel that Bob is married to me right now.  He was gone overnight one night this week and I felt so much more relief.  I didnt have to do anything for anyone.  I didnt have to be an audience to anyone.  I came home and made a dinner I wanted to eat and just sat on the couch watching TV and ended up going to bed around 9pm.  Its not much different from what I usually do, but I only had me to be concerned about and it felt as if a thousand monkeys had been lifted off my back.  I could also write about how guilty that makes me feel.

I could write about how the other day I stopped by our local quickie mart because I needed something and as I walked the aisles I realized that I wasnt hungry.  No.  I was empty. I wasnt looking for something to fill my stomach. I was looking for something to fill this vast hole/void inside me.  And as I walked the aisles I realized that nothing there looked good.  Nothing felt good.  Nothing was going to work to fill that void.  I could write about how I left the store and sat in my car and cried because I felt so empty and could not find anything to fill me.  I could also write about how I went home and ate cookies until I thought I would barf.  Granted the amount of cookies I can eat to barf-hood these days are about 5, but still.

I could write about how the paragraph above bugs me mostly because I remember reading about there being a God-shaped hole in all of us when I was in Jr. High.  I thought I filled that hole with God Himself when I was 14 and discovered a faith and belief and Jesus for myself.  The evidence seems to point to the contrary.  Maybe there are more holes in me than in the guy who wrote that quote.  Who knows.  I just wish I could feel fulfilled instead of this vast empty void of nothingness.

Hmmm.  For not having much to write about, I wrote a lot.


Kathy said...

I think we all have holes in us Amy. And sometimes God can fill them up but sometimes the hole is too slippery to let anything fill it. I sometimes have vast feelings of loneliness. While surrounded by a houseful of people. It's just what happens to us human beings because we have the capability to know what emptiness and loneliness is. Hang on, it will pass and your hole will be plugged up again. And as far as the relief you felt to have the place to yourself? Oh honey, I would pay my family to go away sometimes if only they'd listen to me and go away! Don't feel guilty about it. Next time it happens, celebrate the alone time!

Anonymous said...

What Kathy said and a (((HUG))) too. I sometimes feel the way you are right now. For me, remembering how much God loves me, letting the whole thing sink in for days helps lift me out of my funk. I pray God lifts you out of yours. As far as some mean spirited person going out of their way to ignore you, keep in mind it's HER problem. People that do things to hurt others are really the ones hurting inside. Maybe a heart to heart talk asking what offence you committed? I still wouldn't let it bother me if I were you because you are a nice, sweet, caring, loving, generous, beautiful woman who means a lot just because you are from God. He loves you and that is all that matters! Plus you have a wonderful husband, great family, fabulous friends and snuggly, furry felines that think you are DA BOMB!!!
Hope you feel better soon!


Anonymous said...

My friend, you have to stop hating yourself. Are you taking anything for the depression? Are you seeing a counselor? You are an awesome person and I love everything about you...I sometimes find myself envious of how things seem to fall into place for you and how fun you can make everything. Please find help for are a great person and have always been a great friend. And I echo Kathy's comments...cherish the time alone and use the time to relax...or remember things you used to love to do and do them. I often feel that I have lost myself as a result of my marriage and motherhood. Don't let that happen to you!

I love you!

Anonymous said...

I echo Kathy! We all have vast feelings of lonliness sometimes. As far as loving the "alone time"..relish it and let go of the guilt! I love it when I don't have expectations to keep, schedules to be on etc.! To be able to eat what I want, sleep when I want, watch or read what I a word it's "fabulous"!!
You don't have to be velcroed at the hip to your significant other. You both need to have space from time to time.
The feelings about yourself....can't answer that but I think talking about that with your therapist will help also acknowleging ALL that your feeling will help as well. Hang in there, it will get better....I know it will.

Anonymous said...

There's a book out called "Nice Girls Don't Win" by Lynn Hybels where she shares about being depressed and not "feeling" like she measures up. As she heals in her depression though she can look back and see where God was in all of that....right there beside her, loving her beyond all that she can imagine!
I think when we're in "that place" it's hard to even imagine God because we really feel we need someone with skin on...and He's spirit. That's why, even when you don't feel like it you need your friends, your church and everyone who matters around "they" can be God with "skin on"!!
I like though that you're doing stuff...even if it's going to bed when you feel like it, going to the movie that "you" want to see AND even sharing your inner-most feelings here so even in cyber-space you are sharing with others. But you do need to be with people...and if you think your medication isn't working so well, speak to your therapist about making a change. (((((HUGS)))))

My Sping On Things said...

Amy - honey you sound depressed. And you sound like you could use a visit to a therapist who will listen to you, validate your feelings, and if you need it, prescribe some medication to help you feel better.

You do sound empty. I wish I could help you.

Hang in there darlin