Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Sometimes I Wish I Were a Kitten
I met with my counselor today. It was hard but it went really well. I started my session telling her about my epiphany in the Holiday Mart. How I was looking for junk food to fill that big empty space inside me and I realised, nothing in the Holiday Mart would fill that big empty space inside me. Then she asked me, "What is that empty space?" And I didn't know. Maybe it's a belief in myself. Maybe is a sense of purpose. I don't know.
We also talked about how I still believe I don't deserve help. How I crave it but when it's offered I either reject it, feel guilty and accept it, or accept it conditionally still feeling unworthy of receiving it. I think it stems from my weird combination of independence and extreme sensitivity, but who knows.
We talked about how I tend to feel like people who offer help and/or advice or suggestions to fix various situations are above me looking down on me whereas people who come along side of me and empathize and just express concern are on equal footing. It makes sense in my mind any way.
I still feel like I wish I could just run away and start over fresh and brand new somewhere else with a new name, idenity, job, etc. I'm not going to do that, but sometimes I wish I could. When I told my counselor as much she kind of chuckled and said, "It would be a great way to start over if only you were guaranteed a positive outcome from that." Yeah, I know. I still drag all the same baggage with me.
Bob decided to spend his hard earned money taking me out on a date. We went to Sunsets on Lake Minnetonka. It was heavenly. The food was good and the view spectacular. The company was the best, though. Sunsets is in hoity toity Wayzata. It's a quaint little lake-side city with an upscale downtown area. After dinner we took a walk on the docks to see the fish. There were about 50 sun fish hanging out looking for chow. I hocked a lugie into the lake and they all swam for it. Yuck! After that we walked the lake walk for a while. All the while we had a really good talk. It was a much needed time alone together.
We are hoping to go fishing tomorrow. We are just going to drive to a lake and hang out at a local lake and see what we can catch. I tend to go for the small but plentiful while Bob takes his time and goes for the biggest fish he can find. The weather is supposed to get much hotter beginning tomorrow. They are saying 100 by Saturday. We turned on our air tonight in anticipation of the coming heat wave.
Not sure what each day will bring. I just pray for healing and a better day tomorrow than I had today.