This is the quote for today from Christian Women Online's "In Other Words" feature. Man does this seem to fit me today.
Life seemed to be so good when Bob and I got married in September of 2001. 9/11 had just happened and the nation mourned the loss of life and innocense while taking collective stock of their own lives and situations. We were so thankful to be safe and alive and in love. Six months later our world imploded around us. Bob received his Muscular Dystrophy diagnosis, his best friend had a stroke and became paralyzed from the nose down, and Bob lost his job. In the next year we had to declare bankruptcy, Bob was relagated to a wheelchair, and I became the main wage earner for our home. Not only that but Bob was hospitalized in ICU for a week with a mysterious blood disorder that affected his breathing and he retained over 40 pounds of fluid. The doctors never did figure out what caused this...it mysteriously disappeared as it had appeared.
Through all of this I felt as though life was whacking my head right off my body and in order to survive, I HAD to sew it back on and keep going. There was hardly any time to stop and think...I just kept going.
Which brings us to today. Last week in counseling I discovered a root cause to my anxiety and depression. Know what it is? I resent my husband. I hate saying/typing that. I love him but I resent him. In trying to help him and to make our home comfortable for him, I ended up doing everything and not asking for help. It's just easier for me to do it. Granted, he does do laundry and that's a huge burden off my shoulders, but pretty much everything else falls to me.
Making meals? Check
Making beds? Check
Cleaning? Check
Paying bills? Check
Cleaning cat boxes? Check
Washing dishes? Check
Putting things away? Check
Picking up crap on the floor? Check
And as most of you know, that's just the short list. Add a full time job and full time school and is it any surprise that I became overwhelmed and anxious? So, today in counseling I hope to learn some strategies that will allow me to talk to Bob about all of this without placing blame on him or hurting him. Then, while we go fishing tonight, maybe I can talk to him about it.
I am off work again this week but everything seems to be in place to go back on Monday. I am taking a trip to my home town this weekend to see my family and friends. It will be a nice break.
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4 comments:
That's a huge breakthrough! I hope you just take it for what it is too. Never think that you aren't strong, but also never feel that you are too strong to rest either. With things physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional.
I'm so glad you are getting a "handle" on the source of your feelings. I do hope this will enable you to heal and then to get on with living life to the fullest.
There is scripture that says that we're in a marathon in this life and we are to press on. I hope you will be able to press on.
In reading your posts...I see you as needing to be filled up because you've been giving, giving, giving and there seems to be nothing left. As someone else posted here, look to see if there is a support group (Bible study or whatever) that you can plug into. Other women are essential for us ladies! I know you are busy with work, school etc. but even if you could get with others for an hour or two every week or so...maybe even every other week...it would be a breath of fresh air for you. I have to wonder if you've neglected your spiritual side as well...this is something essential for all of us. To pray and be in "the word" and to meet on a regular basis for worship. I will pray that The Holy Spirit will minister to you in your hour of need. Yes...and how did the talk with your husband go?
Being a caregiver, to any extent, is wearing and stressful. You're in a difficult situation, but the Lord will cause you to rise up on eagle's wings with His strength--that's my prayer for you. We need to always pray for each other. Please do make sure you're finding good support somewhere. Love & blessings to you.
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