Monday, June 26, 2006

Everything Reminds Me of My Failure

My coworkers are not so much my coworkers as they are working mothers and fathers.  Some are even working grandmothers and grandfathers.

My period, though regular, is not as regular as is could/should be and comes every monthmonth after month.  Since getting married, I have had 50 periods. (well, more than that, but I am just rounding off.) 50 months of grief.  50 months of pain and loss.  50 months of hopes dashed.  50 fine, regular, working periods leading tomore fine, working, regular periods I guess.

My 4 cats are great but are a sad story of 2 lonely people needing to give love to something beyond themselves so they choose to give it to pets.  We are the crazy cat couple.

My car was originally purchased over 5 years ago with the thought that it would be a family car.  So far the only family to ride in it has been my Mom, my Grandma, my husband, and occasionally a cousin.  Good thing we sprung for the car seat anchors don’t’cha know.  Theyve come in very handy these past 5 years.

I have 3 cousins that are all in their 20s.  (Two girls and a boythey are siblings.)  Last year the two girls each had a baby within months of one another.  One got married to the baby daddy after the pregnancy was announced, the other didnt.  This year, the boys girlfriend is due with their first any day now.  Thats three babies in a year for that family.  My dads brother is a grandpa by all of his kids.  My dad is only a grandpa by my brother and he only has boys.

The last of my currently married friends to not have children is due any day with her/their first child.  Most of my currently married friends are on their 2nd or 3rd child.  Even the friends who married after me and Bob have had children.

I just want to say thank you to all of you for your kind words and offers of prayer.  It really means a lot to memore than you can ever know.  Someone asked if I have friends or places where I can rant/rave/yell.  That is kind of what this space is for.  I take what is in my heart/mind/soul and put it here so its no longer rattling around in my head.  So if things seem somewhat heavy or BIG or tense or manic or whateverthat is because I take those things and put them in writing so they no longer have such a giant hold on me. 

Speaking of things rattling around in my head, I cant help but still feel that I am huge, colossal failure.  The one thing I have only ever wanted and it continues to elude me. The thing my body was made to do is the one thing it is not able to do.  The one thing so many women so effortlessly achieve is the one thing I seem to not be able to be. It drives me crazy when I hear women say, Oh, Hubby and I decided to start trying to get pregnant so I went off the pill and the next month, I got pregnant!  How does that happen?  To think that as a teen and young 20 I remained a virgin not so much because I desired to remain sexually pure until my wedding day (although that was part of it) but because I feared getting pregnant before being married and all that carried with it.  I wonder if I could have conceived then if I had played around?  Not that I would change that, but I just wonder.


Heather said...

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time!! I'm sending warm wishes your way!!

Robin said...

I feel your pain Amy....I only wish I could make it less or take it away...but I have yet to figure out how to do that for myself even. Although I have to say that it was at about 5 years when I really really battled with failure and went through a really dark period over the infertility. Thankfully I have an amazing husband, a great family support system and God has given me an awesome church and people who support and stand by me and truly tend to be overly concerned for me when most of the time I just want them to not worry about me. I just counted the months that I've been in the same boat with you...Lord, I probably shoudln't have...13.5 years sounds really long, but 164 months of disappointment really brings the pain home. Though I must say the past few years have gotten easier, I believe through this trial my love and relationship with my Heavenly Father has become very strong and because of that I have the faith and the strength to face tomorrow. You serve the same God I do, so all I can tell you is to put it all at the cross and leave it at the feet of Jesus. I have had to return that cross many times over the years, but thank God His mercy is new every morning and He's always there, even when we pick it back up and try to carry the load ourselves, He's still with us, beside us, being our strength if we let Him. He is so faithful and true and His word promises us our children....He is a rewarded of those who diligently seek Him...and psalm 127:3 says that children are a reward from the Lord. So continue to diligently seek Him and you will see yourself bear good, healthy fruit. Thinking of you often and trusting God to walk through this valley and hold you up when you feel like you can't go on. Because that's what Daddy's do. God bless you and keep you, your hubby and your 4 kitty cats.

p.s. It was at about year 6 of TTC that we became the crazy pet people...We had 15 cats (3 litters at the same time) and 5 dogs...thankfully I can say most of them were outside, but they were our outlet for love that needed to be placed somewhere.

Jen said...

Hi Amy~
I just stumbled across your blog thru the CWO and read this post. It could have been written by me. IF was the worst valley I ever went thru~even worse than losing my mom to breast cancer. It ate away at my soul. But as your other comments have said, leave it at the feet of the cross. It's all we can do. And seek out sisters who have been there and who are there with you. No one understands empty arms unless they have felt that ache. So kneel at your Father's feet and find some girlfriends who also own stock in EPT!