My coworkers are not so much my coworkers as they are working mothers and fathers. Some are even working grandmothers and grandfathers.
My period, though regular, is not as regular as is could/should be and comes every month…month after month. Since getting married, I have had 50 periods. (well, more than that, but I am just rounding off.) 50 months of grief. 50 months of pain and loss. 50 months of hopes dashed. 50 fine, regular, working periods leading to…more fine, working, regular periods I guess.
My 4 cats are great but are a sad story of 2 lonely people needing to give love to something beyond themselves so they choose to give it to pets. We are the crazy cat couple.
My car was originally purchased over 5 years ago with the thought that it would be a family car. So far the only family to ride in it has been my Mom, my Grandma, my husband, and occasionally a cousin. Good thing we sprung for the car seat anchors don’t’cha know. They’ve come in very handy these past 5 years.
I have 3 cousins that are all in their 20s. (Two girls and a boy…they are siblings.) Last year the two girls each had a baby within months of one another. One got married to the baby daddy after the pregnancy was announced, the other didn’t. This year, the boy’s girlfriend is due with their first any day now. That’s three babies in a year for that family. My dad’s brother is a grandpa by all of his kids. My dad is only a grandpa by my brother and he only has boys.
The last of my currently married friends to not have children is due any day with her/their first child. Most of my currently married friends are on their 2nd or 3rd child. Even the friends who married after me and Bob have had children.
I just want to say thank you to all of you for your kind words and offers of prayer. It really means a lot to me…more than you can ever know. Someone asked if I have friends or places where I can rant/rave/yell. That is kind of what this space is for. I take what is in my heart/mind/soul and put it here so it’s no longer rattling around in my head. So if things seem somewhat heavy or BIG or tense or manic or whatever…that is because I take those things and put them in writing so they no longer have such a giant hold on me.
Speaking of things rattling around in my head, I can’t help but still feel that I am huge, colossal failure. The one thing I have only ever wanted and it continues to elude me. The thing my body was made to do is the one thing it is not able to do. The one thing so many women so effortlessly achieve is the one thing I seem to not be able to be. It drives me crazy when I hear women say, “Oh, Hubby and I decided to start trying to get pregnant so I went off the pill and the next month, I got pregnant!” How does that happen? To think that as a teen and young 20 I remained a virgin not so much because I desired to remain sexually pure until my wedding day (although that was part of it) but because I feared getting pregnant before being married and all that carried with it. I wonder if I could have conceived then if I had played around? Not that I would change that, but I just wonder.