Friday, June 02, 2006

The Fog is Lifting

I had a pretty good day today. I slept in and woke up to the phone ringing. It was my boss. I wrote about our plan earlier today. It felt good getting a plan in place.

Later in the morning I found out that an online friend of mine was hosting a summer boutique with a gal I owed dishclothes to. So I loaded up my stuff and took to the streets. I dropped off the washclothes and picked out my payment in product. Unfortunately for me, there are not enough washclothes in the world to keep me in Mily's product. LOVE her stuff. I did have a nice visit with Kathy though and actually felt normal for the first time this week. It was nice to chat and laugh and be silly.

I went to counseling this afternoon. It was a good session. One of the things I'm learning is that I don't allow myself to feel anger. Or at least express it. Both Bob and I grew up in homes where anger was expressed negatively towards us. Thus whenever one of us gets angry the other of us feels as though we were the cause whether or not that is the case. We both have a hard time separating the anger from ourselves. So rather than deal with that, we just don't express anger or outrage of any kind.

The other thing I'm learning is that I have taken on too much. A full time job, the bulk of the breadwinning, full time school and homework, not to mention almost all the household responsibilities except for laundry. I pay the bills. I cook the meals. I clean up after the cats. I do any errand running. I do any administrative stuff that needs doing. And I take care of Bob. It's too much. No wonder I had a near breakdown.

I need to learn to ask for help. As such, I will pursue a lead I found for the spouses of handicapped. Also, Bob and I are going to go to the county government center and see if we can get a social worker to show us what other kinds of help might be available to us. And I am going to see if there is some way someone or several someones in chuch might be willing to help me with some household stuff. I think that's the hardest thing to let go of. It's my home, you know?

For so long I have thought that I had to do it all. That I had to hold us all together. I thought that it all fell to me to take care of us. But it's too much. I know that now. I need to let go and be willing to accept help however it comes.

For now I am going to continue with school. I only have 4 more classes/1 more semester. I can do it. I have to. I need to do this. Yes it's a lot but it's almost over. I've been going to school for 14 months and only have 5 more to go. I will put it on hold if I feel I must, but at this point, I am OK with it.

My counselor and I agree that I need to work on returning to work sooner rather than later, but for sure I will be off this next week. After that, I don't know. I am meeting with her again twice next week. Bob and I will be going to the county building and I am going to try and find the support group.

My counselor asked me if I had one wish that I could make and it would change everything, what would I wish. I thought about it and said I would wish that our livelihood did not depend upon me. And also that I could afford to hire someone to clean our apartment. Ha.


Yvonne said...

All my love and hugs to you and Bob.

Tuesday said...

School and being a full-time carer *and* the family breadwinner -- that is a big load to carry, so no wonder it feels too much at times. I have also ended up being the breadwinner (not in my life plan either) and while it is tiring and worrying it also something to be very proud of. Pat yourself on the back just for trying juggle it all. Most folks would give up.

Cruel-Irony said...

Wishing you the best and keeping you both in my prayers.