Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Good and the Bad

The Good:  I’ve been told by several people at work lately that I’m back.  I guess the fact that I’m not so distracted and self-conscious and floopy is noticeable. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that Loud Girl is no longer here.  Except she is here more than I had hoped she would be.  Sometimes I would love to send her new boss an email to ask her if she doesn’t have enough work for L.G. to do because she’s down here so much.  Sheesh.  Anyway, even though we are rapidly losing our staff and management, things between me and my boss and me and my co-workers are as good as they have ever been.  Which is…weird.  I have another interview on Monday though and I no longer have to disclose the written warning.  Score.

The Bad:  I inquired about a job I found online that would have been perfect for me.  It was a full-time paid position for Clear Channel.  The job title was called Production Photographer and the job basically entailed the photographer to drive around the metro taking photos of various and sundry billboards. Transportation and photography equipment would be provided.  The man who emailed me back said he liked my initiative and spunk but that he had JUST filled the position.  SUCK!

The Good:  I was a cooking dervish at home this weekend.  I made a delicious pan of chicken enchiladas for dinner on Saturday and I made a yummy butternut squash soup for dinner on Sunday.  The enchiladas were super easy.  The recipe was right on the can of sauce I purchased at Super Target.  The soup ended up being a mish-mash conglomeration of several I have on hand.  Basically I took a medium butternut squash, peeled and cubed and combined it in a bowl with 1 honey crisp apple, peeled and cubed; 12 baby carrots, chopped; and 1 medium sweet potato, peeled and cubed.  While I was peeling and chopping and cubing, I was also sautéing a largish white onion and 3 cloves of garlic (both peeled and chopped) in olive oil in a large soup pot.  Once the onion and garlic was translucent, I added the peeled and chopped veggies and 2 cans of chicken stock, 2 tsp each of cumin, curry powder, and ginger.  Add to that, about a ¼ cup of dry white cooking wine.  Cook covered for about 20 minutes or until all veggies are fork tender.  Puree in 3 or 4 batches with a ¼ cup buttermilk and a ¼ cup of whichever milk your family normally drinks.  Transfer back to soup pot and warm and serve or put into crock pot and put that in fridge for cooking the next day.  Yum!

The Bad:  Bob and I had a very hard time communicating this weekend.  Friday night I stopped by the gas station to see if he wanted anything to eat.  I wasn’t yet hungry but told him I would be happy to get him something to eat.  He ended up deciding on Subw@y.  So I got his order as well as another guy’s order and drove down the street to the local Subw@y shop.  I dropped off their orders and seeing as how they were so busy, I shouted my goodbyes and went to run some errands.  While I was out, I started to get hungry and I was hungry for Thai.  So I stopped by Big B0wl at the mall.  They said the wait for take out was about 30 minutes.  So I put in my order and wandered around the mall for a half hour.  I ended up finding a basket for an empty space I had on my wall for $4 at B@th & B0dy W0rks.  At the end of the 30 minutes, I left the mall with my Thai and my basket.  I got home around 8 only to find a terse message from Bob on the voicemail.  I called him back only to get the third degree about where I’d been.  I told him and he huffed and puffed about being worried about me and thinking I’d been hurt or nabbed or something and why didn’t I tell him where I’d be and how long I’d be gone.  I felt like I was 10 years old.  I tried to explain where I’d been and how I didn’t think I needed to check in with him every time I did something without him.  We ended up leaving well enough alone and just dropping the whole thing because every time we tried to discuss it and work it out, we ended up just getting mad and pissy at each other again.

The Good:  Bob’s brother was officially installed as the senior pastor of a church in Eagan.  They now live here for real, for full time.  They used to live in Ladysmith South Africa but now live here and we’re glad to have them here.  Bob’s family was there for support and it was a very nice time AND the first time I have been in a church since Mother’s Day…I think.

The Bad:  Halfway through the service, Bob leans over and whispers that his brother’s son and wife are expecting their first baby in April or May.  Which immediately sets off the waterworks in me for the rest of the service.  They’ve only been married since July and I guess they got pregnant 3 or 4 weeks into their new marriage.  Which, yay, for them.  However, it has not worked that way for us and all the feelings of longing and grief I have managed to stuff and bottle up came pouring out during Bob’s brother’s sermon.  Way to go Amy.  After the service, in the car, Bob asked why I was crying.  I did not want to tell him and that upset him.  So I told him.  And he said, “you have to have sex to have a baby, Amy.”  Which made me cry harder.  Bob drove home and I cried.  When we got home, he took a nap and I watched TV.  15 minutes before he has to leave for work he comes out to apologize and talk to me.  We talked, and it’s better, but it’s not perfect.

The Good:  I had counseling yesterday and was FINALLY able to articulate some of the grief I have over not having a baby and how it links with my not wanting to go to church.  As I told my counselor what happened on Sunday, the grief overtook me again and I sobbed and sobbed.  My counselor asked me thoughtful and articulate questions that provoked actual responses.  Turns out that not only have I always wanted to be a wife and a mother, I wanted to do it in a way that pleased God and that made sense to me.  Somewhere along the line I got it in my head that if I stayed pure and didn’t have sex before marriage, God would be pleased with me and reward me with the husband and the family.  So I didn’t have sex with my high school boyfriend (even though I really, really wanted to), or any guys in college, or other guys I dated, or even Bob until I was married.  Believe me, it wasn’t easy.  At all.  But I did it and I did it serving and loving God.  And yet month by month went by and I continued to get my period.  And year by year went by with no pregnancy to announce and no baby on the way.  And I began to see that at church; seemingly every other married woman of childbearing age was bearing children.  Why not me?  I had done as I thought God had asked.  I was good.  I was faithful.  I was pure.  Yet He continues to with hold the one thing I have always asked for.  It feels to me as though He is either mocking me or He is with holding from me because I have been bad.  I am bad therefore not worthy of having a baby.  After discovering all of this, I am a sobbing, heaving mess and my counselor says, “That is a lot of pain and grief to be holding on to.  We definitely need to explore more of this, “ and I have never felt such relief.  Finally, someone understands and is going to try and help me work through this.

1 comment:

lap said...

This entry was SO great Amy- first of all, you sound really good and I am delighted that you have a really thoughtful therapist and that you are open to suggestion and exploration. That's so good for you, and it makes me want to give you a nice squeeze. That being said, I know Bob probably told you as he recalled the news, but I hope he realized he needs to be a little more sensitive towards you.

I really loved the way you talked about your revelation about what's behind your feelings about sex and having a baby. You said it very articulately (sp?) and it had the warmth of truth. I hope this is all key in you getting some peace with where you're at now. Love as always!