Friday, February 03, 2006

The War Inside Me

This post poses some personal questions. I am trying to get a handle on what I am feeling about going month after month without getting pregnant. In fleshing this out, I talk frankly of some personal things. If this doesn’t appeal to you or if it offends you…by all means…close your browser and move on. Thanks.

How do we know if we are infertile? What is the road to that title? How does one get started? How is it diagnosed and determined?

I got my period today. Again. Man, I just can't tell you how much I had hoped of conceiving on our vacation in Florida. We were relaxed, mellow, and energetic. It should have happened. But it didn't.

So I was thinking. Do I call my doctor's office and say, "Please put me through the paces."? Is there a protocol? I don’t know where to start. Bob has the phone number of a genetics physician at the U hospital, but he is also trying to get rescheduled to see the surgeon that is supposed to fix his hernia. It’s been bothering him and seems to have grown. He can only handle one medical issue at a time.

Anyway, I was hoping that one or many of you may have had some experience and can point me down the path. What do I do next? What do I say when I call my doctor’s office? Should I be calling a specialist or do I start at my primary care physician’s office and then ask for a referral? What tests do I ask for? What should I expect? What should I ask?

I admit that I am scared. I am scared that they will test me and find that I am indeed infertile. Or that they will test Bob and find he is sterile. But having answers is definitely better than going on month after month wondering why I am not getting pregnant. Especially when I am ovulating regularly and having regular periods. Odd thing is, my period has come a day earlier than expected last month and this month. So is my cycle changing to a 27 day cycle or is this just a fluke? How can I have so many questions about my own body and its functions?

I still feel like a failure. How hard is it to get pregnant? It’s as easy as tab A fitting into slot B. Chart your cycle, find your fertile time, stick tab A into slot B, and TADA! You should be pregnant. Not so for me. 16 years of womanhood only to fail at the one thing my body was made to do…conceive, create, and sustain a life. I guess that’s three things.

I know it’s not my fault…at least in my head I know. It’s another thing to know it in my heart. It’s also another thing not to blame God. This is a struggle for me because of my faith. My faith says that nothing it impossible for God. My faith says that God’s timing is perfect. My faith says that all things happen for a reason. My faith says that there is a time and season for everything. My head says I know that what I read in the Bible is true. My heart says God has forsaken me, that he has left me, and that he is playing a game with me. Why else would he plant this deep, abiding longing for children inside me and then deny me the one thing I truly want? It’s a constant war inside me. What the head knows versus what the heart says. My faith versus my gut. I’m hoping that when it all comes out in the wash, my faith wins out over my gut because with faith comes hope. And sometimes the hope is all I have to hang on to.


Anonymous said...

Why is it that whenever something doesn't work out, if something terrible happens, if one is going through a rough time~~God gets the blame?? I don't mean this as an indictment to you~it's not, but it's a valid question to be pondered. With a clear understanding of GOD~~who is sovereign~~one shouldn't pass the blame to him. As to the "why" of anything, as not getting pregnant, getting married, getting well, getting a good job, whatever the question is (another one is "if there is a good God, why does "put in the blank, whatever" happen?)~~I don't have a clear answer on that except we live in a broken world. There could be many reasons but I don't think God is to blame!
As for how to procede with this question of possible fertility, just call your doctor and give the question. The doctor will take it from there. I think that given answers gives empowerment. Not knowing the answers, or at least pursuing them can only give to the dispare of not knowing.

Jen said...

Hi there, first time reader here but this entry touched me. I've never been down this path and so I really can't offer you personel experiance. What I would do in this situation though is call my OB/GYN and schedule an appointment to talk about family planning. If the appointment schedule secretary/nurse type person asks, just tell them that you and your husband are trying to conceive and you'd like to talk with your doctor to answer questions and do an examination. Usually your OB will answer a lot of your questions and if there is reason to believe that you are infertile (no idea the criteria) then I think from there you get referred to a specialist. Most insurance companies prefer you see your primary doctor (OB I would think in this case) first and then be referred to a specialist. I really wish you the best of luck and peace of mind. Take care. *hugs*

Jen said...

I really don't know if this will help but in the bible Hannah had wanted a child so badly. Priests thought she was drunk because she would cry and pray and cry and pray, daily. She never gave up. It took a long time (7 years?) but God did grant her a child, Samuel, who was a very Godly man. He knows the desires of your heart. I hope that he will grant you peace until it's time for that bundle of joy to come into your life.

bad penguin said...

I would urge you to go talk to a doctor. I put off seeking answers a lot longer than I should have because I was afraid they would confirm that I am infertile. Well, I am, and if I had gone to see a doctor sooner, I might have a baby by now! Or not, but I do wish I had sought treatment earlier.

It is so hard not to get discouraged and so easy to feel like a failure. Please give yourself a break. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment or God's judgement.

And, of course, good luck.