This post poses some personal questions. I am trying to get a handle on what I am feeling about going month after month without getting pregnant. In fleshing this out, I talk frankly of some personal things. If this doesn’t appeal to you or if it offends you…by all means…close your browser and move on. Thanks.
How do we know if we are infertile? What is the road to that title? How does one get started? How is it diagnosed and determined?
I got my period today. Again. Man, I just can't tell you how much I had hoped of conceiving on our vacation in Florida. We were relaxed, mellow, and energetic. It should have happened. But it didn't.
So I was thinking. Do I call my doctor's office and say, "Please put me through the paces."? Is there a protocol? I don’t know where to start. Bob has the phone number of a genetics physician at the U hospital, but he is also trying to get rescheduled to see the surgeon that is supposed to fix his hernia. It’s been bothering him and seems to have grown. He can only handle one medical issue at a time.
Anyway, I was hoping that one or many of you may have had some experience and can point me down the path. What do I do next? What do I say when I call my doctor’s office? Should I be calling a specialist or do I start at my primary care physician’s office and then ask for a referral? What tests do I ask for? What should I expect? What should I ask?
I admit that I am scared. I am scared that they will test me and find that I am indeed infertile. Or that they will test Bob and find he is sterile. But having answers is definitely better than going on month after month wondering why I am not getting pregnant. Especially when I am ovulating regularly and having regular periods. Odd thing is, my period has come a day earlier than expected last month and this month. So is my cycle changing to a 27 day cycle or is this just a fluke? How can I have so many questions about my own body and its functions?
I still feel like a failure. How hard is it to get pregnant? It’s as easy as tab A fitting into slot B. Chart your cycle, find your fertile time, stick tab A into slot B, and TADA! You should be pregnant. Not so for me. 16 years of womanhood only to fail at the one thing my body was made to do…conceive, create, and sustain a life. I guess that’s three things.
I know it’s not my fault…at least in my head I know. It’s another thing to know it in my heart. It’s also another thing not to blame God. This is a struggle for me because of my faith. My faith says that nothing it impossible for God. My faith says that God’s timing is perfect. My faith says that all things happen for a reason. My faith says that there is a time and season for everything. My head says I know that what I read in the Bible is true. My heart says God has forsaken me, that he has left me, and that he is playing a game with me. Why else would he plant this deep, abiding longing for children inside me and then deny me the one thing I truly want? It’s a constant war inside me. What the head knows versus what the heart says. My faith versus my gut. I’m hoping that when it all comes out in the wash, my faith wins out over my gut because with faith comes hope. And sometimes the hope is all I have to hang on to.