Life Sucks

I didn’t get the job.  Sometimes I wonder what in the world is wrong with me.  The manager that interviewed me told me that she gave an offer to someone else and it was accepted.  Then she said that I would make a fine addition to their team so as they grow she will keep me in mind.  That is small consolation right now.  I have been in this department for almost 5 years.  I have been to countless interviews in other departments and interviewed for other jobs.  I have not been offered another position (except the one they offered me 2 years ago that they rescinded shadily.)  I am the last original person left in my department from when I first started.  Everyone else has found jobs in other, better departments.  What is the deal?  Why can I not get hired out of here?

In other news, it is snowing here.  We are in the midst of a mini blizzard and are expected to get a possible 10 inches before it’s over tomorrow.  Thankfully, it is supposed to get near 60 this weekend.

Bob’s appointment on Friday was OK.  He performed fine during the pulmonary function tests.  However, his pulmonologist wants him to be on oxygen 24/7.  Bob rejected that.  He does not want to be tied to tubes right now.  He feels that if he has to use oxygen all the time, he will become reliant on it and he is not ready for that.  The pulmonologist was OK with Bob saying he would use the oxygen tanks he has at home when he feels winded and he will work on deep breathing several times throughout the day.  Also, he is going to be scheduled for another sleep study because the doctor really thinks a bi-pap while he sleeps will help.  Bob is OK with looking into that.  We still don’t have any answers from the cardiologist yet but his pulmonologist said he would look into it and see what happened there.

On Friday I hadn’t yet seen a robin for myself but we could hear them singing at night before the sun went down.  On my way home from work I accidentally hit one as it flew across the road.  It literally seemed to fly into the grill of my car.  What a way to welcome spring.

Minutae

Still no word about the job. I hate waiting. I told Bob that if I get the job, the waiting will be worth it but if I don't...well, it wasn't so much worth it.

Bob has his pulmonary function tests tomorrow and is meeting with his pulmonologist. I won't be joining him on this trip since this is our busiest time of year at work. Hopefully, these will be the very last of his tests. He meets with his regular, primary care physician in 2 weeks to go over everything once and for all and that should be it. He is ready to be done with all the doctoring.

Bob and I thought that we might take the high speed ferry across Lake Michigan this summer when we go to Michigan on vacation. However, I just looked up the fares and I had to laugh. Yes, it's a pain in the butt to drive around the giant lake, but we will be doing that instead of paying $260 for a one way trip across the lake. The gas, as expensive as it is, will be cheaper than that!

Next weekend is a fast trip back to the hometown for a wedding. It should be loads of fun and I can't wait. We have 3 weddings this spring/summer and all the showers in between. I really like weddings and the people getting married are among my favorite people ever.

I am actually kind of looking forward to the Resolve support group meeting. I'm just bummed that I have to wait a whole month to attend. The woman I talked to last night was so nice. She ended up not having any children herself but said their group's rate of ending up with a baby is 97%! Most people end up using adoption or medical intervention, but that's a great ratio, huh? I am just looking forward to meeting people in the same boat. People who understand. People who can relate to my increasing fear and trepidation of the rapidly approaching Mother's Day.

We heard a robin singing tonight! Spring in around the corner.

Resolve

I got the results of all my labs in the mail yesterday. My iron, vitamin D, glucose, thyroid, and other levels are fine. My cholesterol is slightly elevated. My pap came back irregular so they did a DNA test to see if I had HPV, cervical cancer, or some other issue but that came back negative. My doctor said that she's not worried about the abnormal pap but that I should keep annual appointments just to be sure. Ooookaaaay.

Well, I finally picked up the phone and called a Resolve member. Resolve in an infertility...well, everything. They offer support groups, information and speaking services, lobbiests, marches, etc. The local Resolve website also listed a faith-based group in my area. I called one of the numbers listed and spoke to a very nice woman named Marianne. We spoke for about a half an hour and when I hung up, I felt infinitely better. Their next meeting isn't until the end of next month but Marianne said I could call her any time if I needed to talk or had any questions. Like me, she's in her 40's and never had children of her own. Her first marriage ended in divorce and she's since remarried and is a step-mother. I really can't wait to meet her.

I still haven't heard about the job I interviewed for over a week ago. It's driving me crazy but there is nothing I can do until they tell me I have the job or I don't. Oh, but I hope I have it.

Happy Easter

This is how Easter weekend began in Minnesota:This is the tree outside our apartment. I think it looks like blossoms, except it's actually snow.Friday night I met my girlfriends for dinner at Olive Garden. It was my friend Beth's birthday. We get together for every birthday. Not always at OG, but since it's central to all, we met there for the second time in 3 months. A good time was had by all.Saturday was spent in the usual way. At least the morning was. I did laundry and ran errands. Errands consisted of a stop at Sam's and then grocery shopping. The weather was pretty much the same as it was Friday.Once I got home from laundry and errands, I put everything away and had every intention of cleaning. However, it seemed that the TV had other ideas. There was a good movie on all afternoon into the evening and I ended up wasting time on the couch enjoying each and every flick.

Today we were going to go to church but since we don't yet have a home church and Bob wasn't feeling well, we stayed home. I did manage to get my cleaning done this morning though. Later, we went to brunch. I had a $50 gift certificate for a nice place in Excelsior so we went there.

Brunch was lovely. We had eggs, yummy hash browns, french toast, wild rice, home made mac and cheese, prime rib, turkey, salmon, walleye, mashed potatoes, fresh fruit, and every dessert imaginable. The strawberries were out of this world.The dessert was equally fabulous. There were petite fores (is that spelled right? Somehow I think not.) There were bars. There were pastries. It was dessert heaven.
We ended up stuffed to the gills. I tried to take a photo of Bob but for some reason, he wasn't having it. Here is what I ended up with:And this:I think he's still not feeling very well. Poor baby.

Happy Easter to all!

No Test Results Yet

Bob’s test went OK.  We still don’t have the results though.  We got to the hospital at 2 for a 2:30 appointment.  We sat around and waited and finally around 3:10 they took us back to the prep room.  At about 3:45, they took Bob in to do the procedure.  At 4:30, they came and got me and said Bob’s doctor was in clinic but wanted to talk to us so we needed to wait for him.  So we waited.  And we waited.  Finally, around 5:20, a nurse came back and was surprised to see us still waiting.  She paged the doctor.  At 5:45 she came back and said he was still in clinic and would probably be another ½ hour to an hour.  Bob had had it by this time and I didn’t blame him. We’d been there for 4 hours and he hadn’t eaten all day.  So we left.  We thought the doc might call with the results today but I talked to Bob earlier and so far, no call.  He meets with his pulmonologist a week from today so we should know more then…we hope.

Patience of a Patient

Bob is a bad patient. Of course I don't blame him after all the doctors he's seen and all the poking and prodding that's been done to him.

He has really resisted the test he's taking today. I got off work at noon, came home, had lunch, and the whole time he groused and griped about having to have this test. It got worse when we got to the hospital. We had to wait for a long time. He was mad about that. Then we found out that we were waiting because they had had several emergency heart patients to care for. Bob felt bad about griping after that. Still, for a 2:30 appointment, they didn't take him back to the procedure room until 3:45.

I am typing this from the hospital waiting room. I wish I could have gone into the procedure room with him so I could hold his hand or something.

They told him that they will be sticking a catheter down his artery into his heart. They are also going to be doing a bubble test of some kind. Once they get the results of these tests, his doctor should be able to prescribe a medicine to help even out the pressure between his lungs and heart.

It is my hope that after this, his sleep study on Monday, and the appointment with his pulmonologist next week Bob will be done with all the tests and will be on his way to better health and a good, sound treatment.

New Specs

Here's a photo of the new glasses. They are pinker than they appear in this picture. Also, why is my nose so huge? Is this a result of the new specs? If so, I'm not a fan. Also, ignore the hair. It wasn't a good hair day today.

You know who is having a good hair day? My husband. And I gave him this spiffy new haircut.

A good day for once

Good things that happened today:

       

1.)     The eye doctor’s office called and my glasses are in!

2.)     I was interviewed for a position that pays more and is in the department I covet.

Over lunch I went to get my glasses.  I’m not sure how I feel about them.  I know I need a brow wax for sure but new glasses always put me off for a few days.  I can see better but I’m still getting used to the configuration of the progressive lenses and I feel kind of loopy.  Plus, when I get new glasses, I’m sort of flying blind as it were since I have to try them on without eyesight aid so I’m not sure if these are the right frames for me.

The interview went well.  It was only about 20 minutes long since I somewhat know the person that interviewed me.  I guess I have about as good a shot as any for the job but who knows.  It would be a great move and the pay is better so I’m hoping I get it. 

Bob’s pulmonary pressure test is tomorrow afternoon.  He is reluctantly going.  He has another sleep study scheduled for Monday night.  He said if they do these tests and still don’t find anything except more excuses for more and more invasive tests, he is done with it all.  I don’t blame him.  Still, I stand by my thought that they have to rule out things before they can diagnose anything.

Fog in my Brain

I am completely whipped out today.  And anxiety breathing has returned.  I don’t know what my problem is but I feel half awake and yet my heart is racing/pounding and my breathing won’t “catch”.  When I got up this morning I didn’t feel like doing anything.  I didn’t want to make breakfast.  I didn’t want to shower.  I did both under much self flogging.  I got to work and didn’t want to work.  I pushed through and just feel like going home and crawling under the covers and going to bed.  That just may be what I will do.

Bob’s pulmonary pressure test is scheduled for Thursday afternoon.  It turns out they don’t have to put him out but will numb the area of the neck where they stick the catheter in the artery.  Bob is NOT looking forward to this and is fighting it.  He is tired of being poked and prodded and looked over only to be told they only have an idea of what might be wrong.  Still, I think they need to rule out what it isn’t before they diagnose what it is.

My new glasses still have not arrived although my new Easter/wedding season dress has.  However, as per the dress, I desperately need to find some Spanx for my upper gut.  And maybe some self tanner.  And a pretty pink necklace.  And maybe a pretty pink handbag.  Thankfully I have a credit at the local consignment store that features pretty pink necklaces and handbags.  I’m on my own as far as the Spanx are concerned though.  Any suggestions where to find them?  Any suggestions as to a cheaper though not flimsier alternative?

Houses of Worship

I went to church today. I didn't go to the fancy church this Sunday. Instead, I went to a church not far from us that features "Hip Hop Sunday". The third Sunday of the month is deemed Hip Hop Sunday and that was today. I have to say the service was awesome. During the worship portion of the service they sang songs in an R&B and hip hop fashion. During the singing, there were break dancers dancing and a graffiti artist painting a backdrop. They also had both a woman and a man separately share their own raps with us. Finally, under the pretense of honoring a hard working children's ministry volunteer, a young man proposed to his love. It was an awesome service. I felt instantly at home.

The differences between this church and Fancy Church are night and day. Fancy church has its own fancy church building while HH church meets in the auditorium of a neighborhood school. Fancy church has a slickly produced service while HH church has a well-organized but more noticeably laid back service. The ushers and greeters at Fancy church wear suits, ties, and dresses. The ushers and greeters at HH church wore t-shirts and jeans.

There are some similarities between the two churches thought. Hip Hop church and Fancy church both have large, diverse congregations. They both have people in the parking lot directing traffic and parking. They both feature small groups during the week to foster friendship and family. Also, interestingly, both pastors are speaking on the blessing of God. However, Fancy church pastor seems to be equating blessing with physical, tangible things while Hip Hop church pastor is associating it with the gift you can't see and then the relationship between God and man. Still, both are houses of worship doing their best to minister to their congregations and the world. I still feel more comfortable at HH church though.

I will leave you with photos of the service today.

Hip hop worship team in motion

Worship leader up close

The worship team on stage

Hip hop dancer in worshipDancer and graffiti artistDancer and worship leaderSharing a personal readingThe biblical MCPastor Efrem Smith

More doctor news.

Bob was actually home before 9am this morning.  I guess the sleep study went OK.  He said the room and bed were comfy but he was cold most of the night.  He said he told them he was cold twice and they supposedly adjusted the thermostat both times but he was still cold and didn’t sleep very well because of that.  They also had to stick his artery a couple of times to take his blood gas levels which he says was NOT fun.  However, they must have gotten all the information they needed because they sent him home much earlier than we expected.

We haven’t heard back from the scheduler on when they want him to come in for the heart/catheter thing.  I am hoping it is sooner than later but Bob does NOT want it scheduled for Monday because the Irish in him wants to celebrate sure and begorah.

TMI Alert!     TMI Alert!    TMI Alert!    TMI Alert!     TMI Alert!    TMI Alert!     TMI Alert!  

My doctor called and said that I do have a yeast infection.  This was a surprise to me because I do not have the typical symptoms.  She said it is not unusual to be asymptomatic.  Then she told me that eating yogurt with live/active cultures often helps.  I said I’d been eating yogurt (remember my trip to Sam’s?) and she said that is probably why I’m asymptomatic.  She called in a prescription for me so that’s one more stop at Walgreen’s this week.  That makes RX # 4 for me since Tuesday.

I called my eye doctor’s office to get an ETA on my new glasses.  The receptionist called the lab and they said their lens machine id broken and they are waiting on a part that was supposed to be in today but didn’t show up.  They said that they should have the glasses to her by Wednesday next week if possible.  Great.  Can’t they contract with another lab to get their order fulfilled more speedily?  You would think so.  So I must contend with a low-grade persistent headache for another 5 days before I will know for sure if it’s eyesight related.

Doctors, doctors everywhere

As I type this Bob is at the hospital preparing for his sleep study. He did not want to go, but I made him. It really is for his own good and I think it will help in the long run. He called me when he got there and said that though he was nervous, he thought it was going to be OK because the room was very much like a hotel room. They even have a sleep number bed! I hope he does OK because sleeping isn't something that normally goes well for him even on the best of nights.

Bob met with a cardiologist this morning who took 8 vials of blood and is going to schedule him for some test involving threading a catheter through his heart. Yeah, that one kind of threw us for a loop. They are going to call us to schedule. They really wanted to do it today but I wasn't able to accompany Bob and he needs someone to take him home since they will be sedating him. It's our busy time at work and things have been frustrating but my boss was really understanding and said "Family first." So at least that's good.

I had my own doctor's appointment on Tuesday. The nurse that met with me prior asked, "So, are you looking forward to a pap smear today?" Um...no, not looking forward to it, but planning on it, yes. I actually felt really looked after at this appointment. The doctor took a long time with me. After the nurse left, the doctor asked me a bunch of questions. Two of which brought tears to my eyes. I cried. I cried when the doctor asked me questions. I cried when she asked me how the infertility treatments were going. I cried when she asked me if I've been struggling again with depression. I am a dork. But I got a new prescription for Celexa out of the deal, so that's good.

The doctor was starting my exam and asked if I'd ever noticed discharge. I told her only during ovulation and menstruation and as soon as the words left my mouth, she said she noticed some discharge and wanted to get it looked at in case it was from an infection. Oh. Great. She also said the benign cyst on my labia wall is bigger than it was last time and did I want it removed? Um, not today thanks. She said if it begins to hurt, itch, or otherwise bother me I can just come in to get it removed.

After all the fun stuff, I had to go to the lab to give up some blood. They are checking everything...thyroid, iron levels, vitamin D levels, cholesterol, blood glucose, etc. I haven't had a call so I'm assuming things are fine and I'll just get a nice little letter in the mail. I just need to schedule my mammogram and then I'll be in tip top shape.

In job searching news I emailed the hiring manager for one of the jobs I applied for and was told that he was actually hiring a temp to hire person for the post but due to hiring regulations, he had to post the position on our work job board. Turns out this is why I am never asked for interviews because this is a very common practice.

Work is Frustrating

Can I just say how frustrated I am right now?  All last week I was covering for a co-worker.  Then on Friday, I had to cover for 2 co-workers.  Then today, I am again covering for 2 co-workers.  This, besides my own job which is hectic and busy because I deal with IRAs and it is high IRA/Tax season right now.  In addition to all of this, my boss is one who is not afraid to delegate.  SO much so that when you bring her an issue, instead of handling it like my former managers would, she just tells me to figure it out and handle it.  EXCEPT that last Friday I never received something I should have received from one of our insurance companies.  This morning I came to work to find my email in-box full of emails from her asking where this thing was and why it wasn’t escalated to her.  Sure.  Because when I try and escalate things to her, she just puts them back on me.  Nice.  I think part of it is she still doesn’t know how to do parts of her job since she came in blind.  I think part of it is that she just doesn’t want to do parts of her job and it’s easier to just put it on us.   Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The weekend was OK.  Friday was payday and the check is already gone.  That part of the weekend was sucky.  I did manage to find a place for us to vacation this summer though.  Did I tell you that we had to cancel the cruise?  With all of Bob’s health issues and the question about his heart/pulmonary/breathing problems made us nervous about traveling so far for so long.  However, we didn’t want to give up on a vacation altogether.  I have a friend getting married in Milwaukee in July.  By chance I have the week after her wedding off so Bob and I decided to make her wedding part of our vacation. We will leave here the Friday before the wedding and stay in Milwaukee.  On Sunday, after the wedding, we will be boarding the high-speed fairy that crosses Lake Michigan and then we will drive to a small resort on a lake not far from the Sleeping Bear Dunes.  I found the place by Googling “Handicapped Accessible Resorts on Lake Michigan”.  I called the number and left a message.  Not long after a sweet little old lady named Esther called me back.  She was SO cute!  Her husband’s name is Bob and he too is in a wheelchair.  I told her our Bob’s could terrorize the neighborhood the week we visit.  Anyway, while talking with her, I found that their resort is not on Lake Michigan but is not far from there.  They have high speed wireless internet!  They have fire pits for an evening bonfire.  They have rowboats, canoes, and kayaks.  They will be receiving our deposit in the next couple of weeks and we will be eagerly looking forward to our trip in July.

Friday night Bob and I met my dad and Grandma at Perkins for dinner.  (My dad was visiting for the weekend to help his mom with some stuff.)  While sitting eating, we heard a tremendous crash and looked out the window to see a car careening near building.  My dad ran out to see what happened and it appeared that a little old man had possibly hit the gas rather than the brake and his car drove over a boulder, through the bushes and sidewalk, and came down onto the road but didn’t stop.  However, I am sure he didn’t get far because due to driving over a boulder he had at least one flat tire and was leaking antifreeze.  The manager got his plate and the cops stopped by later for info.  This certainly made for an interesting dinner.

Saturday was errand running extraordinaire.  It started with a stop at the bank.  After that was the Laundromat.  Once I’d stuffed the washers full it was on to the pharmacy.  Then back to the Laundromat to move the clothes to the dryers.  Then it was off to Sam’s Club to pick up kitty litter and some veggies.  While there, I picked up a 12-pack of yogurt and was stopped by a woman conducting surveys.  I answered her questions and received a $15 gift card for my trouble.   I picked up a treat for Bob because I now had an extra $15 to spend.  After Sam’s it was back to the Laundromat to fold everything.  Then it was off to Petsmart for cat food, Aldi for people food, and finally a car wash for Bob’s van because it looked white instead of the red it is.  Once home I put away the laundry and groceries and then cleaned.  Around 5, I put dinner in the oven and by 7, I was finally able to just sit on the couch and read.  Whew!

Sunday began interestingly.  Bob and I were supposed to meet my dad for church.  However, Bob woke up sick to his stomach so it was just me.  I called dad to arrange the meeting place.  He said he would see me in 5 minutes.  I laughed and said it would be more like an hour since it was only 9:30.  Dad laughed and said we must have forgotten to set our clocks ahead.  D’oh!  He was right.  Thankfully I was dressed and able to just go right then.

Church was interesting.  I’m still not sure it’s the church for us.  People weren’t dressed quite as fancy as the last time we went.  I think they were dressed so well because of the guest speaker because this week I saw many more people dressed in jeans and sweaters.  The service was still highly slick and well produced.  The pastor preached and his sermon was OK but…some things he said didn’t sit well with me.  I’m not sure if it’s because of him and what he said or because of me and what I believe.  Bob said we should visit at least 2 more times to get a good feel for this place and I agree.  I know they do a lot of good in the community but I’m still not sure it’s the place for us.

The rest of Sunday was spent trying to catch up to the time change. I felt like the day just got away from me and I didn’t really enjoy myself at all.  I hate the time change.  I got to bed too late, slept crappy, and woke up feeling like I need more sleep.  Also, I’ve been battling a headache for the past 4 days and am feeling a tad run down.  I just wish something would change so I could feel more up and light and hopeful.  Right now I don’t see that happening.

Worth It?

I suppose I should get a more upbeat entry posted…not that this will be that entry, but at least it will get the depress-fest off the top of the page.

Things are OK.  I am still struggling.  I see Bob as he struggles day to day to get up, stand up, walk some, etc and I know it falls to me to take care of us.  I am trying.  I had my review this week and I got my “raise”.  I put it in quote marks because my “raise” is 2 ½ cents an hour.  I know I should be grateful for that because some people don’t get ANY raise.  But it’s almost an insult.  I’m one of 2 senior members of my team.  I trained my manager, in part, for her job.  I finished my degree.  I should be making twice what I’m making right now.  Except no one is interviewing me.  I am applying for jobs left and right and I’m not even getting calls for interviews.  We have even had to put Florida on hold for 2 reasons; 1.) Bob’s health concerns and 2.) No one is taking my applications and inquiries seriously.  I get calls and emails reminding me that the jobs are in Florida.  I reply that I am aware of the location and the reason for my interest.  I get another reply asking for me to call/write/contact AFTER our relocation.

In regards to Bob’s health, he is scheduled for a 24 hour sleep study next week.  He will go in at 7pm one day and come home by 6pm the next.  He is NOT happy about that.  He is also going to see a specialist in regards to the problem they THINK he has.  Finally, he has some pulmonary function tests at the end of the month.  After ALL that, we should know more where we stand and what we are facing and how to treat it.  We hope.  Counting his MD doctor, he now has 6 doctors working on his case right now.  Thankfully he just goes to one clinic at the UofM and all his records are on the computer.  That makes all of this a lot easier because we don’t have to do a lot of he said/she said record transfer stuff.  Still, it’s a pain in the butt for Bob but will be done soon.

In regards to my job.  I am seriously thinking about going back to school to get a certificate/degree in digital photography.  I was looking for jobs online and there are some (and we are willing to move).  And while I have a photographer’s eye and some know-how and mostly luck, I do not have experience with studio lighting or the more technical aspects of Photoshop.  I should also have some experience with medium and large format cameras.  I have not yet brought this up to Bob because I already have a heck of a lot of student loan debt.  Getting my degree/certificate would add to it significantly because this is NOT a cheap course of study.  Especially since most school want you to have your own equipment and whatnot.  Photography equipment and accessories are expensive.  On the plus side, once I have it, I have it and can use it to build my own business.  And really, having my own studio would be the ultimate goal.  It would give me the freedom of choosing my own hours and being available should Bob need me.  He could also be my partner which would give him some satisfaction.  Still, it’s a huge step and I’m not sure about it…especially considering the cost. 

When I think about what I want to do with my life and realize all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother and see that’s not happening, I get so sad and depressed.  When I think about the job I’m in now and how it sucks the life right out of me and doesn’t pay me half what it should, I get so sad and depressed.  When I think about photography and how I could be working in a field that’s creative and fun and full of special moments, I get excited and tremble-y.  Hmmmm.  Maybe a little more debt in the beginning is worth pursuing a dream that could make life worth living again?

In unrelated news, we are attending a wedding in Milwaukee in July.  Afterwards, we are going to stay somewhere on Lake Michigan.  Anyone know of a place to stay that’s affordable AND handicapped accessible? We would prefer cabins to hotels but beggars can’t be choosers.  Thanks!

The Suck

Today is the kind of day where everything just seems to be going wrong or is off somehow.  I just want to go home and crawl under the covers and never come out.

No matter how much my body is telling me that, “No, you are NOT pregnant…AGAIN!” and “Yes, your period is coming soon”, I chose instead to pee on a stick today because there is no “evidence” of said period yet and I would rather put my faith in plastic technology rather than the symptoms of my own body apparently.  Still, you would think after nearly 6 ½ years of monthly disappointment, I would eventually learn to give up all hope and stop even considering that I might be pregnant.  You would think that I would learn that it’s obviously NEVER! GOING! TO! HAPPEN! Oh, but I did find out about it happening to ANOTHER friend of mine.  Everyone but me.

Work was The Suck today.  Not only has the whole Widget part of my job changed, but apparently I am supposed to also manage the doohickey part of things as well.  Now doohickey things were never part of my job.  Sometimes I would do them if the rest of my team was under the pile and my work was slow but somehow doohickey things have ended up on my pile even though my pile is stacked to the ceiling and threatening to topple over.  That doesn’t stop my boss from putting every new thing that comes along on MY pile.

If that’s not fun enough, I got this email today in regards to a widget that got overlooked.  You see, I sometimes have to refer widgets to a widget specialist who determines of that widget was OK to sell in the first place.  That specialist emails me a list at the end of every week for me to look over just to make sure we are on the same page.  However, I have not had time to look over said list because of the previously mentioned precariously balanced pile.

        “Dear Amy,

I found a widget that I had accidentally clipped to another one and it was not on last week’s status sheet. This is Interesting because if you were reviewing the status sheet against your unaccounted widgets, I would have thought you would have said something last week.

Signed,

Passive/Aggressive Much”

I get the list last thing Friday afternoon.  I got this email just after lunch today (Monday).  Not much time between.  Also, when I review the list, I email the sender to let her know if it’s OK or not.  I have not sent that email because I have not yet reviewed the list.  Oh, and she CCs my boss on all her emails to me so my boss got this lovely nugget of love.  I love working here.

I am just so sad and so depressed right now.  I feel like I am bricked in a wall I can never get over or get out from behind.  I hate my job but am having no luck finding a new one.  I want to be a mother but am having no luck conceiving or convincing my husband to progress beyond trying on our own.  I feel like one big fat failure and cannot for the life of me see a way out of this cold, dead, grey harbor of blech.  I try to change what I can only to find that I am powerless to change anything right now.  I need some kind of hope but I don’t see it happening and that leaves me little to hang on to.