Today is the kind of day where everything just seems to be going wrong or is off somehow. I just want to go home and crawl under the covers and never come out.
No matter how much my body is telling me that, “No, you are NOT pregnant…AGAIN!” and “Yes, your period is coming soon”, I chose instead to pee on a stick today because there is no “evidence” of said period yet and I would rather put my faith in plastic technology rather than the symptoms of my own body apparently. Still, you would think after nearly 6 ½ years of monthly disappointment, I would eventually learn to give up all hope and stop even considering that I might be pregnant. You would think that I would learn that it’s obviously NEVER! GOING! TO! HAPPEN! Oh, but I did find out about it happening to ANOTHER friend of mine. Everyone but me.
Work was The Suck today. Not only has the whole Widget part of my job changed, but apparently I am supposed to also manage the doohickey part of things as well. Now doohickey things were never part of my job. Sometimes I would do them if the rest of my team was under the pile and my work was slow but somehow doohickey things have ended up on my pile even though my pile is stacked to the ceiling and threatening to topple over. That doesn’t stop my boss from putting every new thing that comes along on MY pile.
If that’s not fun enough, I got this email today in regards to a widget that got overlooked. You see, I sometimes have to refer widgets to a widget specialist who determines of that widget was OK to sell in the first place. That specialist emails me a list at the end of every week for me to look over just to make sure we are on the same page. However, I have not had time to look over said list because of the previously mentioned precariously balanced pile.
I found a widget that I had accidentally clipped to another one and it was not on last week’s status sheet. This is Interesting because if you were reviewing the status sheet against your unaccounted widgets, I would have thought you would have said something last week.
I get the list last thing Friday afternoon. I got this email just after lunch today (Monday). Not much time between. Also, when I review the list, I email the sender to let her know if it’s OK or not. I have not sent that email because I have not yet reviewed the list. Oh, and she CCs my boss on all her emails to me so my boss got this lovely nugget of love. I love working here.
I am just so sad and so depressed right now. I feel like I am bricked in a wall I can never get over or get out from behind. I hate my job but am having no luck finding a new one. I want to be a mother but am having no luck conceiving or convincing my husband to progress beyond trying on our own. I feel like one big fat failure and cannot for the life of me see a way out of this cold, dead, grey harbor of blech. I try to change what I can only to find that I am powerless to change anything right now. I need some kind of hope but I don’t see it happening and that leaves me little to hang on to.