Worth It?

I suppose I should get a more upbeat entry posted…not that this will be that entry, but at least it will get the depress-fest off the top of the page.

Things are OK.  I am still struggling.  I see Bob as he struggles day to day to get up, stand up, walk some, etc and I know it falls to me to take care of us.  I am trying.  I had my review this week and I got my “raise”.  I put it in quote marks because my “raise” is 2 ½ cents an hour.  I know I should be grateful for that because some people don’t get ANY raise.  But it’s almost an insult.  I’m one of 2 senior members of my team.  I trained my manager, in part, for her job.  I finished my degree.  I should be making twice what I’m making right now.  Except no one is interviewing me.  I am applying for jobs left and right and I’m not even getting calls for interviews.  We have even had to put Florida on hold for 2 reasons; 1.) Bob’s health concerns and 2.) No one is taking my applications and inquiries seriously.  I get calls and emails reminding me that the jobs are in Florida.  I reply that I am aware of the location and the reason for my interest.  I get another reply asking for me to call/write/contact AFTER our relocation.

In regards to Bob’s health, he is scheduled for a 24 hour sleep study next week.  He will go in at 7pm one day and come home by 6pm the next.  He is NOT happy about that.  He is also going to see a specialist in regards to the problem they THINK he has.  Finally, he has some pulmonary function tests at the end of the month.  After ALL that, we should know more where we stand and what we are facing and how to treat it.  We hope.  Counting his MD doctor, he now has 6 doctors working on his case right now.  Thankfully he just goes to one clinic at the UofM and all his records are on the computer.  That makes all of this a lot easier because we don’t have to do a lot of he said/she said record transfer stuff.  Still, it’s a pain in the butt for Bob but will be done soon.

In regards to my job.  I am seriously thinking about going back to school to get a certificate/degree in digital photography.  I was looking for jobs online and there are some (and we are willing to move).  And while I have a photographer’s eye and some know-how and mostly luck, I do not have experience with studio lighting or the more technical aspects of Photoshop.  I should also have some experience with medium and large format cameras.  I have not yet brought this up to Bob because I already have a heck of a lot of student loan debt.  Getting my degree/certificate would add to it significantly because this is NOT a cheap course of study.  Especially since most school want you to have your own equipment and whatnot.  Photography equipment and accessories are expensive.  On the plus side, once I have it, I have it and can use it to build my own business.  And really, having my own studio would be the ultimate goal.  It would give me the freedom of choosing my own hours and being available should Bob need me.  He could also be my partner which would give him some satisfaction.  Still, it’s a huge step and I’m not sure about it…especially considering the cost. 

When I think about what I want to do with my life and realize all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother and see that’s not happening, I get so sad and depressed.  When I think about the job I’m in now and how it sucks the life right out of me and doesn’t pay me half what it should, I get so sad and depressed.  When I think about photography and how I could be working in a field that’s creative and fun and full of special moments, I get excited and tremble-y.  Hmmmm.  Maybe a little more debt in the beginning is worth pursuing a dream that could make life worth living again?

In unrelated news, we are attending a wedding in Milwaukee in July.  Afterwards, we are going to stay somewhere on Lake Michigan.  Anyone know of a place to stay that’s affordable AND handicapped accessible? We would prefer cabins to hotels but beggars can’t be choosers.  Thanks!