Where is My Spring Time?

It’s April 2^nd and spring has never felt farther away.  It has been cool and rainy and grey and dreary for a week now.  According to our weather forecast, the clouds and rain continue through Wednesday (at times mixed with snow) and when the sun finally comes on Thursday, the high is only supposed to be 34 degrees.  Brrrrr.  March came in like a lion and went out like a cold, wet, lamb.

The weekend was good.  Saturday morning found me wide awake and restless at 7:30.  Rather than fight it and get a few more hours of restless sleep, I just got up and took the laundry to the Laundromat.  While the clothes washed and then dried, I ran errands.  It was wet and rainy, but I took my camera with me.  Turns out, wet and rainy does not really inspire me photographically speaking as much as warm and sunny.  I also found out that Penzy’s Spices and Yum Bakery are just as much fun in the rain as in the sun. 

Once my laundry was washed, dried, and folded, it was time to meet my friend Karra for lunch.  We met at the 50’s Café and it was yummy.  They make everything from scratch and it’s always yummy.  Karra and I sat and talked.  And talked.  And talked.  In fact, we got there at noon, had lunch, and talked until the dinner rush began.  We talked so long that our sever left and a new shift started.  Don’t worry, I compensated our server well.  She had left an envelope for her tip and I tipped her 50%.  Not just because we took up real-estate for 5 hours, but because she was attentive and refilled our drinks the whole time (until she left).

Sunday, I actually went to church.  Bob tried to make it but was feeling yucky and stayed home to rest.  It was really hard.  I haven’t been to church in this building for over 9 or 10 months.  My friend Karra met me there and made it easier for me, but it was still really difficult.  Next Sunday we are planning on attending the church Bob’s brother pastors and after that, we’re not sure.  Thankfully, I was warmly welcomed by many and didn’t feel like I was visiting.  I was even asked to take pictures at the upcoming women’s retreat. 

The rest of Sunday was spent cleaning my kitchen.  Bob was convinced that the ant poison we put down last fall was making him sick.  So I took everything out of the cupboards and off the counters and I cleaned and wiped and scrubbed everything into pristine cleanliness.  I even cleaned out our fridge and freezer.  I also spot cleaned our carpet in hopes of trying to make my head stop hurting every time I look at it.  It looks better now, but with 4 cats, someone is bound to yak up their dinner on it sooner or later.

I finished reading a really good book over the weekend.  It’s called “Through Painted Deserts” by Don Miller.  It’s a memoir of a road trip he took with a friend from Houston, TX to Oregon and how God met them in big and little ways throughout.  It’s also about the simplicity of life.  I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it for anyone struggling to find their “why”.  I like Don’s writing style and wonder if he talks to people in person the way he writes books.  I am waiting for his other books to become available at our local library.  I’m hoping “Blue Like Jazz” is next but will be happy with whatever shows up.

My period is due today.  So far it’s been a no show but the PMS symptoms have been too prevalent to doubt its impending arrival.  However, I arrived at work today ill prepared.  No pads, no pain meds, no chocolate.  Someone at church asked me yesterday if I hated God because he wouldn’t give me babies.  I thought about it and said that I did but I don’t any more.  I’ve worked through the hatred and anger and am trying to get to a point of acceptance.  Maybe I’ll never get there, but I am learning that the important part of the journey is to keep moving forward. 

My Personal Egypt

I have a question that may not have an answer…or at least not a satisfactory answer. Which is better; to have been pregnant and experienced at least some of what it has to offer and have miscarried or to have tried and tried and never have been pregnant at all? Can you compare pain to a satisfactory result? I think not. Still, I was listening to the 3/25/07 sermon podcast from Mars Hill and struggling through the latter half of the sermon. The topics during this Lenten season have been about leaving your personal Egypts as the Israelites left theirs so many eons ago.

The speaker, Brad Gray, spoke of leaving the Egypt of despair and entering a new promised land of hope. He shared his own experience with despair in that he and his wife lost their first baby to miscarriage last year on the same day his best friend’s wife delivered their first. As he spoke, I felt myself tearing up and choking back the great heaving sobs of anguish (since I was at work and all). Not only was I empathizing and feeling his pain and loss, I was certainly feeling the persistent poking into my own place of pain as he shared. At one point I felt myself getting angry and not at him or the pain or the circumstances that bring such pain and grief. No, I got angry because he mentioned that at Mars Hill, there are groups specifically formed to help those coping with miscarriage and infertility. Imagine that! A church who reaches out in love to those experiencing pain and loss, who would have thought?

I guess I am angry because after all this time of struggling and striving with our lack of pregnancy and children, no one in leadership in our church has ever suggested anything that might help me work through it. I have close friends that pray with me (all have their own kids) and who believe for me when I don’t have the strength. I know the church cannot be all things to all people or even all things to some people, but it’s not as if they don’t know this has been an issue for me. I’ve shared it at women’s meetings and retreats. I’ve written letters to the pastors. I’ve cried at the alter and prayed with the prayer team. Still, it seems to me (or at least feels to me) that there is an attitude of "maybe if we ignore it, it will go away". After all, there are approximately a dozen women in various stages of pregnancy in our church right now. All are due to deliver this year. All already have children and so are adding to their quiver. Yet we, after mover 5 years of trying, are still empty.

It’s not as if every day is painful and full of grief and tears. We enjoy our lives and we enjoy each other. We love sleeping late on weekends and just jumping in the van to go somewhere at the last minute. We like having disposable income to spend on cameras and eating out and putting into savings. We like that we can sleep in the nude because no one is there to walk in on us. We like making one meal per mealtime and not fighting with anyone to eat it. We like going to Target and just picking up what we went to get and not having to buy a million toys to appease someone out of a tantrum. We like doing 4 to 5 loads of laundry a week instead of 10-15. We like that we can take a vacation after school has started and drive almost 2,000 miles across the country without having to change diapers or answer "are we there yet" a million times.

Yet, we feel incomplete. We feel unfulfilled. We struggle with what to do with all the dreams and scenarios and what ifs we have stored up over the years involving children and parenthood. We don’t know what to do with the pain and the hurt and the emptiness except share it with those who love us from time to time. We don’t know how to come to understand the possibility that this could be the reality forever. We don’t know how to make peace with a childless life.

Part of what helps is knowing that others have struggled with this before us. What did they do? How did they cope? What helped them get through? I think this is why the apparent lack of compassion and answers from the leadership at my church has been so painful. This is why I struggle to go there every week. This is why their celebration of the family model of one bursting with progeny is so hard to cope with on my part. If only someone in leadership there would just come to me and say, Amy we know this is hard. We know you are really fighting through this and trying to make sense of it. We don’t have any answers, but we will stand by you and love you through it. And if it helps, we know of such-and-such group that might help you work through it more". Is that too much to ask? It’s not for Mars Hill, but they are in Grand Rapids, MI, not Minneapolis, MN.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@

On to other things. Bob is REALLY excited about our cross country vacation in September. We have a tentative itinerary. We will be leaving here and driving to Sioux Falls. There, we will be making a quick pass by of the college I attended for 3 years. We will also stop by Falls Park to see if they are as spectacular as I remember. From there, we may stop in Mitchell to see the Corn Palace, but eh. On to the Black Hills, Badlands, and Mt. Rushmore. We will be spending the night (maybe 2) in Rapid City. We will leave there and travel to Wyoming where we will be stopping to see Devil’s Tower and then on to Yellowstone. We will be spending the night at Yellowstone. From there, we drive up through Montana, over the Rockies and into Idaho where we plan to spend another night in Coeur d’Alene, ID before making tracks to Seattle. Bob has never been west…at all. He thought South Dakota resembled the Grand Canyon. I had to Google Earth South Dakota to show him that the majority of the state is flat prairie until the Bad Lands. Still, he’s like a kid waiting for Christmas with all of this. Thankfully, we have 6 months to save up our shekels for all the gas money this trip is going to cost us. Of course, I will be taking photos along the way and I can’t wait!

I'm Here! I'm Here!

Where have I been?  I’ve been here but busy.  And as each day passes without adding an entry, it gets easier to not add another entry.  Tax time is crazy at work, yet we are still no where near as busy this year as in years past. 

Anyway, here’s what I’ve been up to:

1.)     I went home to visit my family.  It was a nice visit.  My mom and I went shopping and to lunch.  A friend and I went shopping and to lunch.  The weather was freakin’ warm.  I saw my first robin of the season as I pulled into my parents’ driveway and heard them singing their little hearts out as I got out of my car. 

2.)     I have decided to begin looking into starting my own photography business.  I have a name, a concept, an idea for a website, and the desire to get started.  I need to research pricing, advertising, and marketing.  I would also like to get a couple of new pieces of equipment as well. (An auxiliary flash and a zoom lens.) 

3.)     My cousin is getting married in September in Seattle and Bob and I decided to forgo our usual annual vacation and instead are going to drive cross country.  Along the way we will stop in Sioux Falls, SD, the Black Hills, the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone, Montana, and Idaho.  We also want to see the Pacific Ocean since neither one of us as seen it.  We are super excited about this and cannot WAIT!

4.)     I am having iPod anxiety.  This means that as soon as a song comes on, I want to push the “next” button just to hear what’s coming up next.  It’s not like I want to actually hear the song, I just want to know what’s next.  Anyone else experience this?

5.)     Bob and I went for a walk on Monday night because it was 80 degrees in the tundra.  We walked almost 4 miles to the local subshop (which happens to be conveniently located next to a DQ).  About a mile from home, Bob’s wheelchair lost power.  I had to push him the rest of the way.  I have been sore every day following.  Holy heck what a workout!  Of course ever since that day, the weather has been colder and grey and rainy.  I want my spring back.

6.)     Bob is getting extra excited about our patio garden.  He wants to go shopping this weekend for Morning Glory seeds and soil so he can get a jump on them this year.  Cute!

So that’s my update in a nutshell.  I will be working on keeping more up to date in the coming days.  Also, click my Flickr link to see all my most recent photos from my trip home, the walk I took with Bob, and a party for a co-worker.

Review is Done.

I had my review.  It was good.  I got a raise.  This is what it feels like to be an adult and to work in a place of adults and not a place that has reverted back to Jr. High.  *sigh*  Yay!  Not only that, but I got to talk to my boss and have her undivided attention for an hour and that? Was awesome.  It hasn’t happened in a long time and it was long overdue. 

Burbly Tummy

I am back at work today.  I’m not feeling 100%, but am able to sit in a chair, stare at a computer screen and type. Although in my light headed befuddlement, I did make a rather large, but not horrendous error this morning.  It was corrected and everything is fine now.  I am just embarrassed that I made it.

Recovering from stomach illness is hard.  First, when you are in the midst of the illness, you notice that every daytime TV commercial is for food.  My stomach rolled and lurched through my sick days.  Oh, and Bob kept asking me if I was hungry and then would name food he thought would be good for me to eat.  I ate nothing the first day and only peanut butter toast the second day.  I drank Gatorade, water, and 7-up.  Today I was finally feeling hungry but was kind of at a loss as to what to eat.  I had my peanut butter toast for breakfast and had to run errands at lunch.  While I was out, I stopped at a local soup place to get some soup.  Soup sounded good.  Soup is good for you!  Unfortunately, this place specializes in soup and therefore had a dozen soups on hand, not all of them smelling or looking good. I had a hard time standing in line with my burbly tummy.  I ordered a chicken and rice soup and went on my way.  Both breakfast and lunch tasted good but neither sat 100% well.  Oh, they stayed where they were supposed to stay, but my tummy rolled and rumbled and I still felt lightheaded and woozy.  Oh well, I think it takes some time to overcome illness, no matter the malady.

Surprisingly, my boss was kind and open upon my return.  Interestingly, tomorrow is my performance review.  I am not expecting much.  No raise most likely and maybe a write up of some kind.  We’ll see what happens.

Tonight Bob and I have to attend a board meeting for MDA.  I am bumming because I would like nothing more than to go home and lie on the couch and watch ABC all night.  I hope we don’t get into the long winded board meeting and can make it home early enough for me to hit the hay before 10pm.  I am a party animal!  Woo!

Sick Days

I've been sick these past couple of days. I woke up at 1am Tuesday from a dead sleep knowing I had to make it to the bathroom post haste. Which I did. Then I went back to sleep. For another 45 minutes before having to make the same trip to the bathroom. Which I ended up doing every hour or so through the night. About my fourth trip in, I added the beloved dry heaves to the party. Not only was I expelling things from both ends, I was achy and so cold. I could not get warm no matter how many blankets I piled on or how many socks I wore.

I spent the day at home yesterday on the couch watching a "The Real Housewives of the OC" marathon on Bravo. Man, those are some high maintenance women, huh? I went to bed early and slept crappily so I called in sick again today. I may be in for some trouble since my boss's boss was in the office this week and this is review week, but stuff it. I was really and truly sick.

I feel much better today. I have managed to keep down 2 pieces of peanut butter toast and some Gatorade so I feel confident I can go to work tomorrow. Nothing is scarier than going to a job where you are sitting all day with a condition that requires you to be no further than 2 feet from a bathroom at all times. I have managed to do OK today so should be OK to go tomorrow.

I've been watching lots of birdies eating from our feeder today. I can only name the cardinals and chickadees but there were at least 3 other kinds of birds out there as well as 3 of our squirrel friends. The squirrels prefer the suet to the seed but they haven't managed to open the feeder yet so it's all still intact. I took pictures of the feeing frenzy and as always, they are posted on my Flickr site.

There isn't much going on here to write about. I am nervous about review time because of last year's depression episodes and how my boss reacted so negatively to all of that. Plus, I was out sick for 2 days this week while her boss was in town and that can't bode well. However, I have made it my mission to stay at Big Bank Co until August 2nd of 2008. That is when I become vested and can take my 401K money with me to the next place without losing what they've added to it for free. If they let me go before that, well, that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Fighting the GCC

Do you ever get tired of fighting the fight?  I don’t know what the fight is for you.  It is different for all of us and sometimes it is different for each of us day by day.  For me, today, the fight makes me weary.  Bob called me at work.  I was at lunch and not at my desk when he called so he left a voicemail.  I am not always happy with the voicemail thing because he sometimes uses it to unburden himself while making me feel frustrated because I am chained to my desk at work and not able to do much about why he’s calling. 

Today’s call left me feeling defeated and helpless and so, so tired.  Apparently he was having trouble with our printer and the new cartridge he put in yesterday.  He called the toll free help line for Giant Computer Conglomerate GCC in order to ask for their help.  I am proud he took this call upon himself.  Usually he leaves that stuff to me because he loathes telephone errands.  And when I say he usually leaves it to me, I mean that he whines and complains about the issue so long that I tell him I will call just to get him to be quiet about it for a while.

He finally got through to a customer service person who asked him for some kind of identifying number found on our printer.  Bob told the rep that due to muscular dystrophy, he could not lift or turn the printer.  Apparently the rep didn’t even let him finish explaining why he didn’t have the number.  Based on Bob’s message, the rep told him he didn’t care about his personal problems, didn’t want to hear it, and if he didn’t have the info, he should just hang up.  Bob attempted to speak with him about his attitude but the dude ended up hanging up on him.  Bob tried to call back and speak to a supervisor only to be thwarted at every turn.  He was angry and sputtering in his voicemail and I felt myself getting angry and frustrated on his behalf. 

Bob’s suggestion was for me to call or email the GCC on his behalf.  I could do this, but I doubt it would get very far.  I don’t know the specifics and would just be working on the information Bob left me in his voicemail.  I also do not have the original information the customer service rep was looking for.  And finally, as much as this irritates me, I just don’t want to do it.  I don’t want to have to finagle my way through GCC’s phone tree.  I don’t want to have to explain what happened and why it should not have happened.  I do not want to have to escalate it in order to get a manager involved.  I do not want to be “handled”.  I do not want to have to fight my way to an apology and good customer service.

This is the thing.  People, if you are in a job that works in any way with the public, learn to be nice!  If your job is specific to customer service, ask for more training in dealing nicely with people.  Do be nice!  Do apologize.  Listen.  Do something to help the people calling you.  Don’t give attitude.  Don’t be sassy.  Don’t say you don’t care.  If you can’t do anything to help, give suggestions that might help with future calls or transfer to a manager.

I cannot wait until we pay off our computer and printer from GCC.  Then we won’t have to deal with them for anything and they won’t have our nuts in a vise.  Plus the interest rate on our payments is outrageous.

Looking this entry over makes me want to delete it altogether but I realize I just need to vent/rant/etc and I am going to leave it up…for now.

My BFFs

I will have to thank my doctor the next time I see her.  At my last visit she prescribed some things for me to help me get over the intense cramping pain of the first day of my period.  I can’t remember what it is called, but the first RX made me sick and dizzy.  I got my period yesterday while at work and didn’t really experience any pain at all.  UNTIL 3am this morning.  The pain was so great it woke me up.  I got up to see what else I had in my pharmaceutical arsenal and was delighted to find a lovely bottle of Vicodin.  I forgot about my doctor’s habit of prescribing back up RXs in case her first guess doesn’t work. At 500 mgs a pop I worried I might choke on my new BFF so I broke it in half.  Also, I am allergic to codeine and worried that I might hurl on a full dose.  It seems the straight codeine is the culprit and not so much the delightful cocktail that makes up my beloved Vicodin.

After about 20 minutes of lying on the couch holding my cramping stomach, I was able to get back up and go to bed.  It was at this time that I discovered I had accidentally left the bedroom door ajar.  Bob was just getting up to go to the bathroom and wondered if I was alright. I told him what had transpired and how I was feeling better but was worried our bedroom was now inundated with felines.  He said he hadn’t seen or heard any so he assumed we were cat-free.  I shut the door and got into bed only to see the kittens run to the now closed door.  I scooped them up and tossed them into the hall.  It is not as easy to do this as it was when they were little.  Plus, Chloe the brat shrieked and hissed at me the whole time.  Brat.  

I was afraid other cats lurked inside our room somewhere but I was too tired to care.  I had a hard time falling asleep so Bob rubbed my back for a bit which always helps.  I was dreaming about something delicious whose specifics escape me now when I was rudely woken by Maisey’s whining meow in my ear.  I hopped up, scooped her up, and tossed her in the hallway and shut the door confident we were rid of all feline interruptions.  I managed to get back to sleep only to be awoken by my alarm in what seemed like minutes later.  I was tired but thankfully cramp free. 

I am at work right now, getting ready to leave for lunch.  I had to take another pill to stave off the pain of the incessant cramping.  It’s a bad time to be at work when all you want to do is curl into a ball under your desk and cry.  Thankfully I have my friend Vicodin to keep me company today.  I wish I also had my other BFF, The Heating Pad, but I will wait until I get home to spoon it.

*Sniff, sniff*

Have you ever put on a favorite perfume after some time away from it and not liked how it smelled on ya?  I always had two signature scents.  In the winter I wear Vicky’s Secret Divine.  I LOVE that scent.  It reminds me of a grown up Love’s Baby Soft.  In spring and summer, I always wore Elizabeth Arden’s Sunflowers.  I ran out of Divine over the weekend and today decided we are close enough to spring so I could wear the Sunflowers.  I put one spritz on one wrist and rubbed it against the other and then rubbed both against my neck.  Now I am sitting at my desk hating the smell of my once favorite perfume.  Maybe my body chemistry changed or they changed something in the formula of the perfume.  Whatever it is, I don’t like it and am disheartened that I need to find a new spring and summer signature scent.

Taking Care of Business

I received a reply to one of my last posts that said the book I was reading (Taking Charge of Your Fertility) was about the Rhythm Method of birth control. Actually, it’s not. The book is about the Fertility Awareness Method, or FAM. FAM takes into consideration a woman’s waking morning temp, her cervical fluid, AND cervical location. Once learned and combined, a woman should know her cycle like the back of her hand and will know beyond all shadow of doubt when she is ovulating, fertile, and when her period is due. This book is so good; I AM going to buy myself a copy. I recommend it for EVERY woman whether in need of fertility help, birth control, or otherwise. The information provided is so good and some of it so basic, I am ashamed I was not more knowledgeable about the inner workings of my body before. Speaking of which, I got my period today. Two days earlier than I expected. Last month it was 2 days late and this month 2 days early. I need to print out some of the cycle tracking sheets and start tracking my stuff. I also did not have any weird cervical fluid this month like I usually do, so I’m not sure what to think about that. I do think Bob and I need to start practicing the “every other day love making for a month” and see what happens after that.

In relation to my reading this book and still hoping to bear children of my own, I write the following:

Did you ever have a dream so personal and so dear to you that to think of it never coming true brings tears to your eyes? Did you ever have a desire and longing so deep that it felt personally connected to your soul? As if it was an actual appendage of your body? Did you ever try and try and try to make that dream come true only to be thwarted at every attempt? If so, did you struggle with continuing to hope and dream and think it would ever come true? Did you stop hoping and dreaming and trying altogether? That’s what having a baby is like for me. There is still hope. I still dream. However, the hurt is so great with each passing month without a pregnancy that the hoping and dreaming are squelched and I no longer allow myself the luxury of whiling the hours away thinking of baby names, imagining baby activities, and coming up with new and creative ways to announce a pregnancy. Instead of dreaming and hoping, I just go along in a grey haze of denial which goes a little way to guard my heart and mind.

However, I have friends who love me. I have friends who say they KNOW I will have children. I have friends whose faith in dreams coming true is bigger than mine. I have friends who stand in the gap for me believing that there will be little Bobs and Amys running around one day. I was gob-smacked on Saturday by one of these friends. Once a month, I meet with up to 5 other women for coffee and fellowship. We either meet at someone’s home or at a local coffee shop. This past weekend was our time to meet at the local coffee shop. These women are my lifeline. They love me when I am not lovely. They lift me up. They make me laugh. They point me in the right direction. They take on my biggest, heaviest burdens and leave me with little else to carry. They stand and fight bravely the monsters that send me cowering in fear. They are my friends but they are also my heroes. This is not to say that they aren’t broken and hurting and feeling lost themselves, but somehow it is easier to stand in belief of someone else’s hopes and dreams than it is for your own. These women do that for me. (Let is also be known that I do the same for them. It is easy to be brave and strong in the face of someone else’s problems.)

One of these women, my friend Lisa, brought a large gift bag with her to Saturday’s coffee chat. The front of the bag said “Happy Birthday!” As far as I knew, it wasn’t anyone’s birthday so the bag remained a mystery until it was almost time for me to leave. She finally brought out the bag and said it was for me. She said that I have been on her heart day and night lately. She said that she has been praying for me. She said that she KNOWS Bob and I will be parents. She said that sometimes in order to really believe in something, we need a tangible thing to see, touch, and hang on to. She handed me this gift bag and told me to open it. Inside was a beautiful hand made card detailing her faith in God and in dreams coming true. Also inside the bag was a bottle of baby lotion, a receiving blanket, a baby sleeper, a cute little onesie, and two cute little baby outfits. As I read the card and unpacked the bag, tears began to fall. Then great heaving sobs began. (This is always fun to do in public! Try it sometime.) I was so grateful for her faith. So amazed at her steadfast belief. And yet so fearful that she went to all this trouble and expense for nothing. (See…hoping and dreaming now goes hand in hand with doubt and unbelief because I can’t allow my hopes to get too high.)

I had to leave my friends in order to get home in time to pick up Bob for his step-dad’s 80^th birthday party, but I left with a sense of amazement, love, and the feeling of being deeply understood (according to the ads for a national dating website, I believe I have found my soulmate!). I hated to leave. When I got home, I put the bag on my desk. Bob asked what it was for. I told him and pulled each item out one by one. I started to cry again. He liked the items and I think he liked the idea of what Lisa did for me, but I don’t think he understood. I put the items back and left the bag on our file cabinet.

The gift bag full of baby clothes sat on our filing cabinet for 2 days and every time I saw it, I had to squelch the hope that the sight of it brought to me. In fact, fear began to rise up at the sight of it. So much fear. Fear that I would never have a baby. Fear that I would never get to use those precious baby things. Fear that I would never know the great joy of this deep, deep dream come true. Fear that I would disappoint Lisa who believes with such reckless abandon on my behalf. Fear that I am a failure as a woman because I cannot conceive and bear a child. Fear that I will never make my husband a daddy. Fear that I will never make my parents grandparents (though they already are to my brother and his wife). Fear that God hates me and doesn’t care about my hopes and longings. Fear that if I allow myself to hope and dream and believe again that this dream CAN come true, I will just be disappointed and hurt again.

I had to take that beautiful gift bag and all its contents and put it up in our closet. I know it’s there I just can’t see it. It needs to be there right now. It needs to be somewhere where I know it exists but I can’t see it every day. I need the reminder that someone else hopes and dreams my fondest desire for me because I still don’t quite have the strength to hope and dream it for myself right now.

I hope you have friends like that. The baby things in the Happy Birthday gift bag were a thoughtful and delightful gift. Yet the best gift Lisa gave me was the gift of her friendship and the depth of hope she has in my dream coming true.

You Know What I Mean?

Are there things about the people you love the most in the world that bug the every living crap out of you?  I love Bob dearly.  He is my best friend and he is my hero.  He rocks my world.  However, there is one thing he does that drives me crazy.  It’s like nails on the chalkboard to me.  I know it may sounds so trivial and minor, but if you had to live with this every day it might drive you a little crazy too.  After almost everything he says he follows it with, “You know what I mean?” or “You know?”  So, we’ll be having a conversation and it will go a little bit like this; 

        Amy     “What do you want for dinner tonight?”

        Bob     “I don’t care, but not zucchini, you know what I mean?”

        Amy     “Yes, fine.  No zucchini.  How about pizza?”

        Bob     “Sounds good.  Hey, the blue crayfish in the aquarium are really growing.  You know what I mean?”

        Amy     “Yes, I see that”

        Bob     “I wonder if I can sell them on Craigslist, you know?”

        Amy     “It can’t hurt to try”

        Bob     “I wrote a new poem today.  It’s about pain and suffering, you know what I mean?”

        Amy     “Oh that’s nice.” (bangs hand with meat tenderizing mallet to keep from choking husband to death.)

I seriously do not know why this bugs me so much other than it feels to me similar to the times kids say your name over and over and over to get your attention.  It’s like he needs me to acknowledge his each and every thought and can’t just let a topic rest on its own.  Or it’s a bad habit he can’t break.  He knows it drives me crazy but he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

So now’s the time to share.  Anything your loved ones do that drive your crazy?  Please tell me I’m not the only one.  Thanks!

Another Storm of the Century

We got to leave work early today. Our department left at 1. The department we used to be a part of had to wait until 3 to leave.

I drove to the drug store before going home. Bob had an RX that needed to be picked up. On the way home, I stopped and picked up some sandwiches, bird seed, and suet. The sandwiches were for us. The bird seed and suet for the birds of course. Finding food is hard for the little critters when everything is covered in a cold white frosting.

Today is the perfect day to stay home and read. I've been reading a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. It's very interesting. Why isn't this information passed on in Health classes and doctor's offices? Weschler teaches the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) which looks at a woman's vaginal discharge as well as her morning waking temp to gauge her fertility. Her frustration with the medical profession is that the 28 day cycle with ovulation on day 14 is universally accepted and rarely challenged. I'm not very far into the book and already I'm feeling hopeful about what I'm learning. It's a giant thick book and I got it from the library, but I'm thinking I might have to actually break down and actually buy a copy of the book to have on hand.

I realized something this weekend. I know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a photographer. I want to record memories for people. I want to stop time in little flashes of light. I don't know when or how but that's what I want to do.

Another STORM! OF! THE! CENTURY! is coming our way

I had my last counseling appointment today. It was good. It felt good to end today. It felt good to say, "I have met and/or exceeded the goals I set in place last summer". It felt good to see my progress. I told my counselor that some people see counseling as a crutch but I see it more as a railing. It’s there to help you when you are feeling weak, ill, or carrying too much. Once you are stronger, well, and empty handed, you no loner need the aid of the railing. Today, I let go of the railing.

My trip to my hometown was good. Well, that’s not exactly the word for it, though parts of it were good. It was also a very difficult visit for a variety of reasons. I am glad I left Friday noon instead of Saturday morning. As I drove through Winona, the snow hitting my windshield was plinking like ice crystals. I drove in and out of that until I hit the first Madison exit. Traffic came to a complete stop and was backed up for about 20 minutes. Once I got through that, the sleety/plinky snow turned to SNOW. It took me almost 60 minutes driving in second gear to get what normally takes me 10 minutes. I think we got a foot of snow overnight that first night.

It started snowing again on Saturday, but this time it was wet, heavy snow. My brother, sister-in-law, and nephews spent the night at my parents’ house Saturday night instead of driving home in the blizzard. It was a fun family slumber party. (Except we all slept in separate rooms of course.) Sunday my dad had to get up and clear the driveway and sidewalks again.

The church parking lot was just getting plowed as people showed up for first service. It snowed/rained throughout much of the day. I tried to leave town Sunday night, only to turn back and crash at my parents’ house for one more night. It turns out that it was good I turned around since the slipperiest roads were just a few miles north and towns along that road had cancelled school altogether rather than delay for 2 hours like much of the rest of the area. I took off for MN around 10am and got home around 2. I have a lead foot and sped much of the way and made great time.

While home I took lots and lots of pictures with the new camera. I really like it. I am still trying to find a good setting for taking photos outside with bright non-sunlight and snow, but other than that, I am really happy with it. I am now saving money to purchase an auxiliary flash and a telephoto lens. You can see the newest photos by clicking my Flickr badge on the right. Most are of family, friends, church, and the rest are of my hometown down town.

The newest issue of MDA Quest is online. To read the small article on Bob, click here. There is going to be another article on how we manage apartment living in the midst of also managing Bob’s disability. Not sure when that will be coming out, but another photo has been requested from me to illustrate it. Yay! (I took the one of Bob in the above mentioned article but someone else took the one of the two of us though they used my camera and I edited it for prettiness.)

We are being told to expect another 11-13 inches of snow over the next day and a half. They just plowed out apartment lot and will have to probably do it again Friday or Saturday. I need to refill out bird feeder and suet holder for the birdies. I don’t usually make a run to the grocery store but we might need some eggs and milk at the very least. We surely won’t be snowed in until Spring, so I think we can make it through the weekend at least. The birds, however, are not quite as lucky. Remember your fine feathered friends!

Made It

So I made it. I left my brother in law's auto shop around 3:30. I drove through some freezing rain near La Crosse and hit some fluffy flurries outside of Madison. Right before one of the first Madison exits, traffic came to a stop. All three lanes were stop and go. And when we went, we all only went about 10 - 15 mph. Turns out, the roads were a bit more slippery than perceived. We passed a cop and a two car accident on the right hand shoulder. Most of us went slower after that. Once I got off the interstate and onto the regular roads and highways, it seemed the snow picked up. I drove in second gear from the main highway to my parent's house. At times the snow seemed to be coming right at me. Other times, it went blowing sideways before me. I couldn 't see the road. Thankfully, there were a couple of cars a head of me making a path and when an oncoming car drove by, the path was made even clearer. I got to my folks' house around 8:30. Not bad time for me in good weather. Good thing I left when I did. The weather people here are daying Sunday will be the worst. I might get snowed in! Good thing I brought provisions. My brother and his family will be spending the night here tomorrow night. It's too bad Bob couldn't join me here. It will be like one big family slumber party. I'm just glad I got here when I did.

Leaving Today

It's actually colder right now in Madison that it is here. That is a rare occurance.

I decided to leave today rather than face the sleet and freezing rain tomorrow is supposed to bring. I am leaving work at noon, getting my oil changed at 3, and hitting the open road by 4 all in order to miss the storm. That gives me about 2 hours after I leave work to get home, get packed, clean cat boxes, make sure Bob has enough food to get him through, and get to the oil change. I have been making lists all morning in an on-going effort to not forget anything. Also, it seems as though I am bringing every electronic device known to man for what amount to be an overnight (2 nights really) trip. Cell phone? Check. Ipod? Check. CD Player? Check. Laptop? Check. Camera? Check, Check. Crazy, no?

Bob is a star! We received the national publication for the MDA association in the mail yesterday and he is featured in an article on FSH MD with a photo and everything! I would link to the online version, but the March/April issue isn't posted yet. If you want to see it, Google MDA Quest in March and read the article on FSH MD.

Once I leave work today, our team of 12 will be down to 6. Another guy is leaving at 1, leaving 5. Although one guy has not shown up and may not show up at all and that will leave 4. Good times. Let's see how many people can be gone before our department grinds to a halt. I have CE on Monday and Tuesday so I won't be here to experience the fray, should there be any.

Snow Oh No

I am leaving Saturday morning to drive 250 miles to my former home town. I will be driving back to the Twin Cities on Sunday. This is what the weather people are predicting for weather. The weather people are practically orgasming about the impending doom of the LARGEST STORM OF THE SEAON! Usually I can drive out of these things but the weather people as saying this storm should encompass all the known free world including Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Illinois. There is no way around it! In the mean time, I will be driving my little Hyundai to Southern WI for a family gathering that is too important to miss and can’t be recreated at a later date. Crap. At least I will have my new camera, my iPod, and a bunch of books on tape for company. To make matters worse, (or better?) I have CE (continuing ed for those in the know) on Monday and Tuesday in order to keep my insurance license current and my boss happy. If I get stuck in a white out on I-94, I will miss the pearls of wisdom that my CE instructor is offering as well as throw good corporate cash in the pooper. Good times.

I would drive Bob’s van except that I need an oil change and tune up on the Hyundai and my talented mechanic brother in law agreed to take my car in early Saturday morning before I head down the road. Since his shop is on the way, it would not make sense to drive down there in my car, get the oil change and tune up, drive it back to our place to switch, and then drive Bob’s car back the way I just came on my way to WI. Plus, Bob is wonky about me driving the van after last week. I told you about my bottoming out on the speed bump on V-Day but I did NOT tell you about the side scrape the next day, did I? Here is my genius: I was driving the van to an early morning appointment. We agreed to stop at McDon@lds for a little breakfast action. I pulled up to the squawk box, put in our order, and as I pulled ahead, we both heard this horrible scraping noise as the side of our hoopty low rider van scraped the side of the curb. I burst into tears immediately and Bob began comforting and shushing me, encouraging me to pull forward to the first window of the drive through. I paid the guy who thought I must be a crazed wacko, picked up our food from the second window and then parked in a space in the lot and cried. I am a winner. Bob felt like crap because he realized I was scared of him and what he would say, hence the tears of destruction. He allowed me to continue driving to our appointment and nary a scrape or bump or bottom out occurred. I told him I drive his van all the time without him and NEVER have this stuff happen. He agreed that the van is just a tool and that as long as we are OK and it’s still running, he is fine with an occasional bump or scrape. It’s why they call them accidents, after all.

My mom just emailed me and said her weather people are saying 8-12 inches of snow and/or freezing rain. sigh.

New Camera

New Camera
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

I've been meaning to get here and tell the story behind my new favorite possession, but the longer my to-do list gets the further behind I get on my blogging.

I got a new camera. And I LOVE it! I've been saving for a few months and then Bob said I could use half the tax refunds to get it. Once I knew that it was inevitable, I began doing research on which camera to get. At first, I was all about the Nikon D70. It was D70 this, and D70 that and D70 all the time. Then I discovered the Canon EOS XT and I was all about the XT. Until I saw the prices. Then I began to expand my research.

I settled on the Pentax K100D for a couple of reasons, one being price. When I first learned how to use an SLR camera in the 80's, it was on my dad's Pentax K1000. This is probably the camera you used to learn on too. It was the camera that launched a thousand photography students. It was basic, easy to use, and took fabulous pictures. One day my dad gave me his to keep and I fell in love with this camera. Unfortunately, it was stolen from my car in either 1999 or 2000. (My car which was locked and also parked in the driveway!) Thankfully I also had a Minolta SLR to fall back on.

When I went digital in 2003, I never used film again. Like most people, my first (second AND third) digital camera was just a point and shoot model. I liked it and learned to use all the features but it was limited in some aspects. The white balance was off and I could never get it right even with the best of Photoshop. The AF could not be adjusted and photos would often turn out blurry if the camera deemed the AF to be off.

Back to the new digital SLR. In doing research, I found that Pentax came out with a brand new SLR in October and I really wanted that one, the K10D. However, the price was once again in D70 and EOS XT areas. So I talked myself down to the K100D. It features shake reduction, compatible lenses and flashes, manual, programmable, and automatic settings.

Once I knew what I wanted, I had to figure out where to get it. There are a couple of national camera stores, a local camera store, and the big box stores nearby. I started at the local camera store. I chose them because they will accept trades and exchanges for store credit which can be used to purchase new and upgraded equipment. I took my old Minolta and flash in and got $60 in return. Not to shabby for a camera that hasn't been used in about 5 years. However, when I went in to buy, I was given a price that included 2 lenses and the camera body but did not include a case, a memory card, a tripod, cleaning solution, or anything else. I went online and did some shopping and found a place that sold the camera I wanted plus the same two lenses, a memory card, a tripod, a bad, and cleaning solution for almost $250 less.

The store would not and could not match the online price. Still, I had cash on me and told the sales guy as much. I said, "I have $XXX in cash on me right now. What can you do for me?" Turns out, he could not do much for me at all. He told me to check the Sunday paper for President's Day sales and come back and he could match local stores prices and gimmicks. I left knowing I would not buy my camera there even with the $60 in store credit. (I am going to use it to buy a tripod.)

I went to one of the big box stores and found they only carried the Canon and Nikon but they did not have a deal on either. I went to Target and found the same. I went to a national camera chain store and found that they had the camera I wanted. It only came with one lens but because I had cash in hand on my person, they threw in a 1GB memory card for free. Plus, they were helpful and knowledgeable, and answered all my questions. They wanted to sell me an extended warranty thing but because the cash I had on hand would only cover the camera and lens, I said I'd have to come back. They said I had 10 days.

I went home and played with my new camera. Bob said I should get the care plan and gave me the $ to get it the next day. I would have gone to sleep holding my new camera if I could have. However, in the morning, I woke up with a bad case of Buyer's Remorse. I wondered if I had made a huge mistake. I wondered if I should have bowed to the Nikon/Canon pressure instead. I wondered if perhaps I had been too hasty in buying and should have saved longer and waited.

That morning, I went to the camera store to buy my care plan. When I got there, the sales guy from the night before told me there was a $50 rebate on my camera and he had printed out the form and duplicate receipt in case I came back. He also mentioned classes they hold on digital camera usage and offered to sign my up. I picked four and signed up for the next offerings in March. As he rang me up, I chatted with the store manager who told me about features she thought I would like on my new camera. She also told me about a dad who was just in before me buying his 12 year old daughter a Nikon D70 with extra lenses. He also bought his wife a D200 which is the professional model and costs about a million dollars. I have to admit I was insanely jealous of that 12 year old and wife. Still, I don't think that 12 year old will appreciate what she has as much as I appreciate what I have.

So, it's been 5 days and I have to say I really like my camera. Granted, about the only things I've taken pictures of these past 5 days have been my 4 cats and my husband, but still...it's a blast. And I am loving the digital aspect because I'm not wasting a lot of money on film to find out if the settings are working or if the flash went off. If it doesn't turn out? I just delete it.

Now I need to build my photography equipment pool. Next purchase will be a tripod. After that, an auxiliary flash. After that, a telephoto lens. After that, a wide angle or fish eye lens. After that, who knows?

I have loved photography since receiving my first camera in 8th grade. I think I've come a long way since then. I've had lots of cameras and I've had my favorites. What I've learned though is that you can have the crappiest of cameras and still get great pictures as long as you understand light, shadow, framing, and sizing. I had a craptastic freebie camera I got from a magazine subscription and yet some of my best photos came from that camera. The reverse is also true, you can have the best photographic equipment money can buy but if you don't know how to use it or you don't understand the concept of light, shadow, framing, and sizing then your photos aren't going to be all that good. Granted there is Photoshop and online tooling that can help, but you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear. Or something like that.

I have received more recognition for my photos these past 6 months than in 20 years of taking photos. And the photos I'm getting attention for were mostly taken with a Fuji Finepix point and shoot. It's all about lighting and framing. I can't wait to see what I can do with my new camera!

More On Yesterday's Issues

I’ve been thinking about the fight with Bob a lot since yesterday.  Obviously we are having problems communicating.  Part of the problem is that Bob continually interrupts me so rather than talk to him about things; I just keep them to myself.  Then Bob gets frustrated and lashes out and I cry and that drives him insane.

Another, more obvious issue is that we are completely different.  Other than him being male and me being female, we don’t think alike and we don’t see things the same way.  For instance, Bob is an all or nothing guy.  He is the definition of black and white thinking while I am more laid back and can see more than just 2 sides to something.  I am more ready to give someone the benefit of the doubt while Bob is quick with the fast judgment. 

Bob is also more apt to see the dark side, the glass is half empty, and the end is near kind of guy whereas I am more positive and see the glass as half full and the silver lining in the dark cloud.

Bob shared that part of the reason he is so gung-ho about saving and making sure we have money saved is because he is convinced he is going to die before I do and he wants to leave me with enough to live on and to get us out of debt before that happens.  However, he also shared that he is afraid that he will die soon and if he does, he doesn’t think I will be able to make it on my own financially.  That was a little hurtful and demeaning to me but not without truth.  However, because of his doom and gloom focus, it is hard to convince him it will ever be otherwise.

Another problem is that Bob is VERY easily distracted.  That is part of the reason that when he gets a bee in his bonnet and wants to do something, he has to do it NOW, especially if it’s an important, non-fun task.  However, I am NOT that way and am in fact very task oriented.  So if I am at work on something or doing something else, it is hard to get me to focus on something else.  However, if this something is on my list of tasks to complete, I will happily do it as I get to it.  This does not just frustrate Bob, oh no, this has implications at work as well.  Although I am learning to adjust at work, I am just not naturally able to move from one task to another until I’ve finished with the first thing. There is a reason for the cliché that opposites attract.  It’s funny because it’s true.

I Don't Know What Happened

The morning started off well. As well as it could with us skipping church again. Maybe it's my fault. Instead of waking Bob up to go to church, I think he would get up if he really wants to go. If it were really a priority, he would get up in time to go. So I don't even attempt waking him.

Instead, I got dinner ready. I rubbed Chinese 5 spice powder on some pork chops. Then, in the crockpot I pot the following; a can of chicken stock, 3/4 cup of dark soy sauce, 2 tblsp dark sesame oil, 1/4 cup dark brown sugar, 4 cloves of garlic crushed, half an onion sliced, 2 inches of fresh ginger sliced thinly, and a container of mushrooms. I stirred it all and then added the porkchops. I cooked it on low for several hours. I served it with oriental noodles and baked egg rolls.

I also spent a lot of time in prayer this morning. I am back on track in getting to know God. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible and praying. Much of my time in prayer was spent praying for Bob. I prayed for his healing, for him to find his calling, and for our relationship. I wanted to reconcile with God AND with Bob.

Yet my good morning was completely ruined and I don't know how it happened. Bob woke up and started talking to me about money. I think that's what did it. We are getting everything in order. We are making it work and yet we really have trouble communicating about it. We have trouble finding time to sit down together to talk about it. We have trouble communicating our needs, desires, wants, and hopes about it.

I got paid on Friday and normally we sit down Thursday night and do bills together online. But now we have this financial class on Thursday nights and we don't get home until almost 9:30. Well, I'm already wiped out from a long day of work and then this class. Bob wanted to do bills and I just wanted to go to bed. On Friday, I came home and Bob was in bed. By the time he got up to go to the store, I was heavily invested in reading The Husband. So we put it off again. Saturday our DSL was out until about 1:30. Bob had to go to the store and I was watching Lost when he decided to do bills.

When we started talking about this, I said that it's hard for me to just stop what I'm doing to do what it is Bob wants me to do. I can't just do what he wants the minute he wants to do it. I said it's like when he asks for sex, he wants me to just be in the mood the minute he wants it. I'm not like that. Then he says to me, "Yeah and you'll notice I haven't asked you for that recently either." Which made me cry.

The fight escaladed from there. It was the worst fight we've ever had. At one point, Bob threatened to leave me for a week. I don't know how it happened. I had spent the morning praying for him and feeling closer to him than I had in a long, long time. Yet here we were tearing each other apart and fighting like cats and dogs.

We worked it out yet we are both scared. We admitted we need help and we will probably be seeking some professional help. Yet it's scary. How can something so seeminly strong unravel so quickly? How can I love someone so much and dislike them so much at the same time? How can I be working so hard at something and still feel like it's getting me nowhere?

Man, this marriage thing is hard.

Checking Back

I'm not sure why Maisey looks so frightened in this photo but it cracks me up. She looks craaaaazay!

So I'm over pouting about getting my period again. It was a set back but I am determined to keep trying and not give up hope.

I emailed the photos the magazine art director requested plus a few more. It can't hurt to be bold and send a few more can it? All they can do is say no and not use them. I don't know what issue they will be in, but I can't wait to see it. The next issue that comes out will feature Bob's story in the main article. That issue should be arriving at any time.

Bob and I are going to share our stories at a meeting of TGIFridays managers on Thursday morning along with other MDA families, staff people, and sufferers. TGIFridays is partnering with MDA to sell shamrocks as a fundraiser. If all goes well, it can become a regular thing AND could go national instead of just state-wide. This is very exciting and we can't wait to be a part of it.

Today has been a good day for me. I got up and finished touching up and resizing the MDA photos. I uploaded some new music to my ipod. I talked to my mom on the phone for over an hour and while I did that, I cleaned the kitchen and cat boxes. Then it was time to catch up on my TV shows. I made enchilladas for dinner and vacuumed the crap off the carpets.

Today was not so good a day for Bob. The DSL was out so he couldn't do his business. When he went to work, someone had parked in front of the wheelchair cut out so he couldn't get in. He tried to find the culprit but no one would own up to it so he huffed home. When he came in, he tracked dirt and oil into the apartment and onto the carpet. They called him when the car was moved so he went back to work. Once there he had a couple of difficult customers and the car wash was broken. We had a heatwave of 15 today so people were actually out getting their cars washed and were mad about the broken wash. All that, and it was bill paying day.

Bill paying did not go as expected. We had quite a few to pay and though we had the money to pay them, we didn't have as much to put into savings which is Bob's goal in life. However, we did get our state tax refund so we did use part of that to put back into savings, so that was good.

You know sometimes I feel like I am putting my life on hold until we have children and other times I feel like no matter how well we live, it just won't be as good until we have children. Children are at the center of my longings and I can't imagine a future without them. To think of going forward in life celebrating anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays without children, well it just feels so empty and void. We are still gathering information on adopting and that would be just fine too. Just as long as children are somehow brought into our family and future, that will be fine. This has nothing to do with anything I have written above, it's just what I am feeling right now.

Learning the Lesson the Hard Way

I just will not learn.  How is it possible to be absolutely, positively certain about something and still be so completely wrong and off the mark? 

I was positive I was pregnant.  I was positive that when Bob and I, um, had relations last month that the end result would be a pregnancy.  I just knew it.  I was positive.  My period was due on Sunday.  It didn’t show.  It didn’t show on Monday or Tuesday either.  Last night I dreamt about taking pregnancy tests.  I even allowed myself to do the unthinkable, hope and dream.  I thought that the brown discharge last week was a sign of implantation.  I thought the mildly sore boobs were a sign of pregnancy.  I thought my instant, absolute weariness around 2pm was a sign of pregnancy.  I thought that my sudden irritability and emotional outbursts was a sign of pregnancy.

I imagined telling Bob about it on Valentine’s Day.  I imagined telling my mother at our visit next month.  I imagined telling all the friends who have been praying for years and years.  I imagined being pregnant.  I imagined going to the doctor and telling my boss and even thought of what kind of arrangements we would have to make in cleaning the kitty litter.

It turns out that all of this was all for naught.  My period made its appearance today.  You would think I would have learned by now.  I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different.  I don’t know why I was so positive that our bodies would have finally produced a pregnancy.  After 5 years of trying and failing.  After 5 years of hoping and praying. After 5 years of dying a little each and every month.  You would think I would have learned better by now.

He Didn't Hit Delete! He Didn't Hit Delete!

Um, remember how in yesterday’s entry I was trying not too hope too much that the art director from the national MDA magazine would contact me about the photos I took from the Winter Wine Down?  Well, either my not hoping too much worked or…well, I don’t know what else to say here because I am too excited.  The art director emailed me directly to ask for my permission to use my photos from the Wine Down AND he wanted to know how he could get permission to use future photos for future publications!  Isn’t that a nice surprise on a cold winter day?  I was going to use my half of the tax return money to get a Dyson but I think I will use it to FINALLY get a digital SLR and see how I can improve on my photography.  I am so excited!  I know it’s not Time or Life or National Geographic, but it’s a national publication that thousands of people read each and every month.  In fact, the photos accompanying Bob’s story in March were also taken by me. Actually one was taken by me, the other was taken OF me and Bob with my camera.  Anyway, it’s a start and it’s a step down the road of becoming someone who is paid to do what they love.

All Kinds of Good Things

So it’s still cold here. But it looks like a heat wave is building and we will have highs in the teens later this week! I can’t wait. When I left the house the morning, the actual air temperature not counting wind chill was -16 degrees. If you don’t know what that kind of cold feels like, well I guess you don’t live in a cold climate.

It seems like the weather was the topic du jour all weekend. A lot of the bloggers who write from the southern states were saying how cold it was there and if you are used to highs in the 50’s and 60’s then I guess it could be considered cold. However, I beg to differ and don’t think you know from cold. It was so cold here this weekend that you could actually and literally throw boiling water into the air and have it turn to snow as it fell. THAT is cold.

The weekend was good but holy moly it went by quickly. Friday night I ran errands and picked up dinner from Cousins Subs. We have lived where we live for almost 5 years. It is about a half mile from this particular sub shop and yet Friday night was the first time I have patronized it. I can tell you that it won’t be the last. The guy at the counter was friendly, funny, and engaging. The bread was fresh, the ingredients tasty and PACKED onto the sandwich. Bob really liked it, so it won the “Bob” test. I don’t know why we haven’t been there before, but it will be a regular part of our “sandwich” night from now on.

Saturday was packed with stuff. I meant to get up around 8 but my bladder woke me at 6:30 and my brain would not shut up. So I got up and made cowboy stew and monkey bread. The stew was for me and Bob, the monkey bread for my friend Lisa’s birthday breakfast brunch. (Quick aside and basic cowboy stew recipe: brown 1 to 2 lbs ground beef with some onion and garlic. While that’s browning combine the following in your slow cooker; 1 can rotel tomatoes, 1 can black beans with lime and cilantro, 1 can Mexican kidney beans, 2 cans crushed tomatoes, 1 can corn drained, 1 can green chilis, 1 packet of taco seasoning, 1 packet of ranch dressing seasoning. Once hamburger is browned, drain and add to slow cooker. Cook on low until all ingredients are mixed and heated thoroughly. This is a hearty meal that we usually eat with taco chips and garnished with cheddar cheese and sour cream.) I left the apartment at almost 10am and the temperature thing-y on our van said the outdoor air temp was -12 degrees. Brunch was fun. I don’t get to see these particular women very often but when we do get together we yak and yak and laugh. This time we met at one woman’s house and each of us brought a dish to pass. I brought the monkey bread, someone else brought cheesy potatoes, someone else brought an egg bake, etc. The food was delicious. After we ate, we talked and caught up. We half-heartedly joked about joining forces and resources and opening our own coffee/tea shop. I could totally see this happening except the 6 of us are all so different that it might be quite the challenge personality-wise. Anyway, we finished our time together with prayer and encouragement. had enough time to run to the store, get home, eat lunch (breakfast had long settled), and shower for the next event. We were going to go to Stillwater for the MDA Winter Wine Down. We stopped on the way to pick up our friends and then made the trek east for fun. And fun was had by all. It was a great event and one that has possibly outgrown its home at the Water Street Inn. The place was packed with people sampling wine and great food. There was live music and dancing. There was a silent and live auction. There was wine. There was a “heads or tails” game played for a trip. There was wine. And while it was frigid outside, the Inn was warm and cozy, maybe because of all that wine.

I played the wine pull. For $10 you choose a bottle of wine from hundreds cloaked in brown paper bags. They range in price, type, size, and quality. I pulled three and ended up with 2 chardonnays and a blush reminiscent of a white zin. One of the chardonnays I got is called Fat Bastard and I can’t wait to try it. The blush came from a local vineyard. I tried it at the tasting table and really liked it. I pondered buying a bottle from the distributor who was there and while I thought about it, I went to the wine pull and pulled that very bottle. Score! We had a great time, met some great people, ate, drank, danced, and left warm and happy. The frigid cold woke us up and conversation flowed as I drove us home. I tell you again, the local MDA is an amazing organization that takes such good care of the people who need them most. We love their events, we love their staff, and we love anything affiliated with MDA.
We got home around 10:30 and Bob decided he was so excited about MDA that he would go to the bar across the street to try and drum up donations for the Stride and Ride fundraiser. (Keep in mind this event does not happen until June.) I found out the next day that he met a guy who plays in the Steve Miller Band. They hit it off and talked for over an hour. The guy gave him his wife’s new CD and he gave Bob his phone number. Bob meets the most amazing people and becomes friends with everyone. He is amazing.

Sunday I didn’t go outside at all. I cleaned, I made dinner, I got our tax stuff ready, and I sat in front of the TV and vegged. Oh, but I didn’t watch the Super Bowl at all. I didn’t miss it, but I am bummed that I missed Prince’s half time show. I didn’t remember under after the third quarter had ended.

Today dawned cold and blustery but still brought good things. Bob had physical therapy and dropped off our tax stuff. I found out that the monthly Muscular Dystrophy magazine’s March issue will feature Bob’s story and a photo! I also had the author of that story contact me to tell me she passed my name and Flickr site to their art director and will keep me in mind for photos should the need arise! I don’t allow myself to get too excited about this because it could amount to nothing, but still…to have someone in magazine publishing say that my photos are good and to pass my link along to their art department, well that’s just a boost a girl can learn to love. Granted the art department guy could just hit delete and never think of me again, but I hope he won’t.