My RE appointment on Friday was difficult. I think I wrote a little bit about it. This was the first time I didn’t go in with a spring in my step and hope in my heart. In fact, I really dreaded this appointment. And I really hated it. Seeing the waiting room filled with pregnant bellies and the hallways lined with precious baby photos just about did me in. I actually teared up while waiting for the ultrasound technician. I just felt so heavy and sad. The tech did the exam and pronounced me fit and healthy and ovulating. I asked if I’m doing so well, why aren’t we getting pregnant. She said that Bob’s sample has actually gotten worse (NOT what I’ve been lead to believe at each insemination.) in number and motility. My RE ordered another semen analysis for him because she is concerned that there may be a problem there. Once he gets that done, we can know more and go from there.
In the mean time, I received my annual benefits enrollment packet which included some changes for infertility benefits. Whereas now I have a 6 tries per confirmed pregnancy on IUI, in 2008 I don’t have a cap on the number of tries but I do have a cap on the amount of money spent. The plan still only covers IUI, not IVF, and still does not cover infertility drugs. The lifetime cap is $10,000. After talking to my insurance company, I called my clinic to see how far that would get us. It seems that each cycle costs roughly $1500 (could be more or less depending on number of ultrasounds and labs needed). So after doing the math, that leaves us with roughly 6 more tries after the first of the year. So we can move forward after this month and try 2 more times in November and December and then try 6 more times in 2008. I don’t know if I’m up for that, but it’s good to know.
A friend of mine came over last night and prayed with me. I felt better after she left…lighter and more hopeful. She had me pray over the phone with a friend of hers who has become known as a man who, when he prays for women to conceive and get pregnant, they do! It was good and he had some good insights during his prayer. The one thing that frustrated me was when he asked me if I have a lot of stress. When I confirmed that yes, life is somewhat stressful, he basically said, “well, stop it, just don’t be stressed.” Um, OK. I’ll try that because it hadn’t occurred to me before! However the rest of the time was fine so I will let that little nugget pass.
Bob and I still agree that this month is IUI-free. So far, so good. I think the biggest frustration of fertility treatments for me is the lie that says, “If you just keep trying or try hard enough, you’ll eventually get pregnant.” It’s just not true. I don’t know the numbers but I do know that there are countless couples who put all their efforts, money, and will into getting pregnant that never do. I don’t yet know if we can be counted among those couples because we have not yet exhausted all our resources but I grit my teeth at the thought of it. It just feels like failure of the worst kind. As a perfectionist and person who believes in the Try, Try Again philosophy, to NOT get pregnant after putting our all into it just feels so must like a personal failure. Sigh.