Monday, March 27, 2006

The One in Which I Don't Know What to Write

The Cats Watching Honor Play
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.
I love this photo of all our pets. The cats look like they are humiliating the dog and calling her names and the dog looks like she is being properly humiliated. Poor puppy.

So it's spring and despite all the good things that have been going on with me and Bob, I realize I am experiencing my normal spring depression. It's nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past, thanks to anti-depressants. Yet I still feel it. It certainly makes the childlessness harder and I feel it deeper.

Church, as good as it was on Sunday, was still hard. Seriously, you really need to be there to see all the fruit of the wombs. There are children everywhere and I love it, but it's so hard. I filled out a prayer request card and asked specifically if they know of other women who are struggling with infertility because I would like to meet with them for prayer and encouragement.

My heart is heavy because I look at Bob and I know he cannot take care of an infant. He cannot bend over/down to pick one up and he does not have the muscle strength himself to hold one safely. This breaks my heart because this means we would either need to put any baby we have in daycare or give up all thoughts of having our own baby. I am crying just thinking about that. This is not something I want to give up and yet I do not see an alternative. Bob would much rather adopt a year old child or older and that's fine. I don't mind that idea at all, but it's so hard to give up the idea of having our own baby.

Of course we are still going forward with the fertility testing...maybe that's stupid. Actually, I wouldn't mind knowing if I have endometriosis, so I don't think it's stupid. We are going to give Bob's sample on Saturday.

The biggest struggle for me is my relationship with God. Everything about Him says life, love, fruit, procreations. He made man and woman to procreate. He commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. He says children are a blessing. He created the family. Why, then, does He not make it so for us? When He knows that to the core of my very being, this is all I have ever longed for?

I know in my heart I'm a selfish whore. As soon as we got Bob's diagnosis way back 4 years ago, I knew it would mean that I would have to be the one who worked. I would have to bring home the paycheck and hold down a job with good benefits. I knew I would not get to be the stay at home mom I dreamt I would be when we talked of our future. I felt my heart break that day and I fell to the floor sobbing when Bob was at work. I knew this disease would take a lot from us but I didn't know how much. Bob is so amazing and focuses so much on what this disease has given us and him. Lately, I have not been able to focus on anything except what it's taken from ... me. I know it's wrong. I love Bob so much but I hate MD. I hate it so much. I really wouldn't have any other man, but I wish I could have Bob fully and 100% without the MD.

I wrote to a Christian based family website and told them how I have been struggling. I know infertility is hard but I think it's hardest in the church. They are sending me a book called Empty Womb Aching Heart. It's more like Empty Womb Cold Dead Lifeless Heart. I just feel so dead inside. So empty and lifeless. Part of it the depression, I know. It's a cyclical thing with me and all of this is kind of feeding itself in one big ball. It's probably time I go back to counseling too. I feel like such a loser. I can't make a baby and I can't get over it.

I withdrew from the class I was in. I will have to take it over in order to graduate and probably won't be able to graduate in December if they don't offer it until this time next year. When I get depressed, I struggle with apathy and sleep a lot. That doesn't leave a lot of time for homework. I was falling behind in this class and rather than try to make up a bunch of work half-assedly, I decided to just withdraw and take it over and do it right. Our next 2 classes are classes I am really interested in and am actually looking forward to them.

Anyway, I know I'm rambling here. There is so much in my mind and I feel like I have to get it out or I'll just go crazy.

Today I was walking home from work and I thought, "Is this all there is?" Just me and Bob alone for the rest of our lives? I know women who are mothers think that from time to time as well. "Is this all there is? Diapers and feedings?" "Is this all there is? Saying no to a toddler and answering 20 questions?" "Is this all there is? Picking up after the household and making dinner?" I know it's normal to go through times like that no matter your stage or station. I just felt so alone at that moment.

I do want to adopt. My dream would be to adopt 2 or 3 kids from Africa or China or Guatemala...or all three places. Really, I would love to have a household full of races and colors. A mini united nations if you will. I just don't know where the money would come from to do that or where we would put them.

Actually, we are looking to finally buy a house when our lease is up October 1st if not before. Once we sell Bob's truck (anyone in the market for a 1999 Chevy S-10 with only 55,000 miles on it?), we won't have his truck payment and we only have 2 more car payments to make on my car. That should free up about $500 a month plus what we pay for rent and that will be our mortgage. It's doable. I just don't know what we can get for what we can afford. Most of the homes I see are a good 30+ miles away in either direction. There is a home up for auction 45 miles away that would be my dream home. I don't know why it's up for auction, but it's brand new and beautiful. I haven't fallen in love with it because my heart is already broken, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want it. It has quite a few bedrooms and bathrooms and a bunch of land. I wrote an email to the realtors responsible for the listing and asked a bunch of questions. They haven't responded yet. Don't know what will come of it if anything. It would almost be too much to hope for, especially now that we have Honor and the van. How much can we push and ask for? Sheesh we're kind of selfish, huh?

Well, anyway, I think I have most of what's been bothering me out in the open now. Bob is so great. He came home while I was writing this and saw me crying. He asked what was wrong but guessed it before I could choke it out. He said that we have to wait for a child only because when we finally are parents, it will be to the exact right children for us just like we had to wait so long to find each other. We are the exact right man and woman for each other. He's right. He's the best and I would take his MD from him in a minute if it meant he could live life without pain and discomfort. Thank you God for this amazing husband.


Rebecca in MO. said...

How like 'the enemy' to steel the joy...from what the Lord has given.
You've been on a mountaintop and now...............
I don't pretend to know very much about depression nor what it is like to really want something and not get it. But I've heard that depression is anger turned inward and I'm glad you're on medication for it. Have you ever gone through therapy because it sounds like you could use someone who you're not related to, to talk to about all that you have on your plate. Someone who could help you sort all those things out and give you some perspective.
You talk about God alot in your blogs. I do know some about him and I recently read somewhere that he will use our circumstances to try to draw us closer to him because what he really wants of us in this life is our "full" devotion. I snese that you have been very busy with your school work and your job and your husband. What do you do for you? How do you fill yourself up? Are you in friendships with other women? Do you do anything that brings you joy...even if for an hour a week? It has been my experience that if I get busy doing something that brings me joy then I don't think so much of the junk of life. Also getting what we want, doesn't neceaarily bring happiness. You already mentioned that Bob wouldn't be alot of help with an infant due to not having strength. Maybe God is showing you that adoption is the way to go with a bit older child. Would that be such a bad thing? I will pray for you and your circumstances. If I knew you, I would call you so we could talk because I think you could use a good friend.

Dawn from PA said...

I really don't have anything to say to make you feel better, but I do want to tell you to please not be so hard on yourself!! You are not a selfish whore!! You are a normal human being who thinks like any other person. There is nothing wrong with wanting certain things in your life. I'm sending lots of hugs and warm thoughts your way. Take care, and don't be so down on yourself.

My Sping On Things said...

Having fought infertility for 16 years, I understand your pain. I really do. I personally have undergone 9 miscarriages, and finally in December of 2000, we have our son through IVF. ART has come a long long way in techniques. If you would like to write me about my journey feel free to email me. You are in my thoughts.