Monday, March 20, 2006

The Van is Officially Bob's!

Just to make it clear. Bob and I will definitely do the two cycles of Clomid. We may or may not do the 4 cycles of injectables because we definitely do NOT want multiples. Plus I have heard about the side effects of the injectables and I just don’t know if I want to put my husband and co-workers through that. The paperwork I was given says artificial insemination but I think the anonymous commenter from my last post was right. At this stage, there would be insemination but that would consist of a turkey baster type effort. A syringe of Bob’s sperm would be injected into my uterus in hopes of getting the little guys closer to my ovulating egg. I think the difference between this and artificial insemination is that AI is done in a Petri dish and the sperm is injected directly into the egg and then the egg is implanted in the uterus. Of course you should be patient with me. This is all brand new to me and as I stated before, it is like learning a brand new language and I am bound to make some mistakes. Dr. Google is always another resource you can turn to if you are looking for answers to your questions. I use “him” all the time. Don’t look to me as the definitive answer to your questions about infertility and treatment. I think we are at a point where we are just going to take one thing at a time. So, for right now we are going to have Bob’s swimmers tested. Once they are tested, I will have my third day blood drawn. I will also schedule the uterine dye test because that stuff is not only important to know but the inside of my body fascinates me. I want to know what’s going on in there. After that…we will see. I just like having a plan and having steps to follow. There is no guarantee that these steps or our plan will end in a baby being born from my body, but this quest is going to end in a child being brought into our family, so that’s the ultimate goal.

My dad called me last night to tell me that a guy called their house looking for Amy Mymaidenname. This is a guy who was active in the single’s group I used to be in some 9 or 10 years ago. He was a strange man then and I can’t imagine he’s changed much in the last decade. He told dad that he was going through some old papers and found my phone number among them and thought he’d give me a call. This is odd because even though we were in the same single’s group and the same small group, we weren’t close. I gave him a ride home a couple of times but other than that, we didn’t really travel in the same circles. I don’t even know why he had my phone number to begin with unless I gave it to him to call me if he needed a ride. Whatever. Dad told him I’d been living in the Twin Cities for the past 8 years and was married. Like all good fathers, Dad did NOT pass along my phone number or address.

Bob and I are going to look at a house on Saturday. It’s located in the far Western WI Suburbs. Kind of a trek from work, but it may be worth it. It’s a 1300 sq ft handicapped accessible house with 2 bedrooms/2 bathrooms. It’s on a one acre corner lot with light tree coverage and easy access to a state park. It’s newly built (2005) and it’s affordable but it is 60 miles from my work. It would be over an hour commute in good traffic. Is it worth it? We don’t know yet. When we saw the photos of it online, it just looked like home. Before the dog and the van I would have said no way, but now…maybe.

Bob signed all the paperwork tonight for the van. It is now his. It will not be in his possession until Thursday, but by all appearances on paper, he is the proud owner of a handicapped accessible van. Whoo hoo! Thank you to everyone who had anything at all to do with this. Thank you to those who prayed. Thank you to those who donated. Thank you to those who told others about the opportunity to donate. Thank you to those who encouraged us to keep believing, hoping, and trying everything to get this van. We certainly could not have done this thing alone and we are humbled by all the efforts that went into this enormous task. So I do want to openly say how thankful we are to you who helped in any and every way.

I was able to get Thursday off from work so I can go with Bob and his sister to pick up the van. We will take it to RollX to get the modification put in it and then get the tabs and registration taken care of as well. This is very exciting to Bob. He can’t wait for the thaw so he can load Honor up in the van and go fishing. I can’t wait for him to load up the van and go to his semen analysis appointment…on his own and on time! I hope this is our time to say goodbye to Metro Mobility. They have been fine for what we have needed but have mostly been a frustration for both me and Bob. I am thankful they are there, but it is definitely a system that needs to be fixed.

Even though things have been going so well with Bob right now, I am in a weird place. I am neither happy nor sad. I am more in a place of apathy. I don’t care. It’s scary because I have things I need to care about right now. Oh, I still care about Bob and am doing my best to make sure he is well taken care of. But I don’t care about keeping our home clean, going to school or doing my homework, work in general, returning phone calls or emails, personal hygiene. I am doing what I have to do to get by and be “normal”, but nothing else. I don’t think I’m depressed. I know depression and this doesn’t feel like depression. I just feel…empty. I’m going through the motions and I don’t know why or what it’s going to take to get out of this place. I also feel tired all the time. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I’m just sleep deprived. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed with all that has happened since January. I know it’s only temporary so I just have to hang on and keep on keeping on. I just wish I could sleep for a week. I think that would go a long way to help me feel better.


Rebecca in MO. said...

Lots of stuff happening at your house. God is definately at work there by all that's indicated. The van, the dog and all. Hope Bob gets lots of pent-up activities out of being able to go.
One question is regarding how you're feeling. Do you think you want to add more hormones on top of that? Sounds liek you have quite alot on your plate, with work and school right now and adding more (you even talk of a possilbe move here) might be a bit much right at this place in time. Could you not wait a few months say even until summer before making big decisions? Have you sought wise-counsel from a clergy person, psycologist or whatever on any of this?

Anonymous said...

What a glorious outcome for your husband to finally get his van! It will be such a blessing to the two of you to have the independence. Something the rest of us may take for granted.
You speak of feeling empty. There's two thoughts to what may be contributing to that. You got the dog and then the van--two items you seemed to be waiting for for awhile. Having been reading your posts for awhile now the van has been a long time coming. Maybe that empty feeling is akin to persons waiting for a long-anticipated vacation or event. The vacation or event happens then it's done and you go "now what?"! Or it's like really really wanting something--you get it and then it's not quite as you had thought it would be. Do you know from experience "that" feeling?? Could it be similar to what you're experiencing now? "OR"---maybe it's from a spiritual emptiness that you haven't been filling. Just a notion or thought of 'could it be?'! With either one--you need to be filled up with something. I know from your posts that you're busy with a job and school but is there something you could do "just" for you?? Something to think about.
House-hunting sounds like fun. Sixty miles one way to work though, doesn't sound like fun. But to look and get ideas maybe will be a step towards finding something that will benefit your situation. Had a thought here, would it be possible for you to arrange work closer to that area? Could you ever work from home? Options to consider for the future.
Hope all your wishes come true!

Cosmicrayola said...

Wow, I just got caught up with you! Congratulations on the van!!! I wish I could get one for Terry. He has his car, but he has to use his manual wheelchair and with his breathing problems, it is hard for him. I'm glad for Bob, it will make a workd of difference to him. Good luck with the baby plans! I am sure you will have success.

Amy said...

Praying for baby. Maybe mulitples is in God's plan. Love ya Aim!

Lut C. said...

If it involves a petri dish, it is not insemination, then it's IVF (in vitro fertilization) In vitro = in glass = in petri dish.

Injecting sperm into the egg is ICSI. I don't remember what that stands for.

Eggs aren't implanted (this expression irks the experienced IF'ers to no end), but embryo's are transferred to the uterus. Implantation is something that has to work itself out afterwards.

Perhaps you want to lay your fate in the hands of your doctors and worry less about it yourself, a good strategy if it works for you, me I want to know as much about this as possible.

I hope you never need to learn any more about the aforementioned procedures.