"There are two kinds of people:
those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,'
and those to whom God says,
'All right, then, have it your way.'"
~ C.S. Lewis ~
That is today’s Christian Women Online “In Other Words” quote. In response to this, I am taking a break from my normal every day blogging and will blog about a time in my life where this quote fit completely.
I don’t remember a time that I didn’t want to be married. All my growing up years I longed for a boyfriend who would one day be my husband. I longed for prince charming. I went to college looking for Mr. Right and my MRS. Degree. Isn’t it funny, then, that I didn’t get married until I was almost 33 years old? Ha!
My marital status was issue number one in my prayers to God. I prayed for a boyfriend and then for a husband. I prayed for the literal man who was somewhere out there. I prayed for his safety. I prayed for his friendships. I prayed for his jobs. I prayed for his family. I prayed that God would hurry up and allow us to meet already. This went on for many, many years.
I had a boyfriend in high school. I left town after graduation. He didn’t. There were other issues, but that was 20 years ago. I later fell in love with a man who returned my affections but not my desire. His preference was for the male species. We were engaged for about 30 minutes when I was 25. Interspersed between these men were many, many recipients of unrequited love. Some of these men were friends and some were just objects of desire from afar.
Soon after I turned 28, I began to seek God more deeply to see why I remained single. If it was something I was doing wrong, I wanted to right it. If there was something I was missing I wanted to find it. As I prayed and read my Bible I came across a passage in…Chronicles, I think. The nation of Israel was crying out to God for a king. They wanted to be like everyone else around them. God wanted them to be different. He wanted to lead them. He wanted to protect them. He wanted their love and allegiance. He wanted to be their king. Reading on I saw that the people persisted bugging God for a king and He finally relented and told them He would allow them to have a king. Not without warning, however. He told them that while they may be like all the nations around them, they would also be subject to a man who may not have their best interests at heart. They would have to submit to someone who might abuse his power. They would have to follow someone who might not know how to lead them. They took the good with the bad and got their king.
As I read this, I got the distinct feeling that God was speaking directly into my heart. I wanted a husband. I wanted to be loved by a man. I wanted to be like all my friends who were getting married and starting families. I wanted to feel whole in heart and I thought the love of a man and marriage would bring that. I felt as though God was telling me that He wanted to lead me. He wanted to love me. He wanted to fill me and He wanted me to find my wholeness and to feel completed by Him alone. I submitted my desire for a husband to Him and for about 2 years I was completely and wholly content with being single. I said, “Thy will be done, “ and it was and it was great.
Around the year 2000, I began to feel discouraged with waiting. I was 31 and began to feel the pang of discontentment again. I started seeing a man off and on. (More off than on, really.) He wasn’t really my type. He was needy and selfish and immature. At the time I thought that was better than being alone. He played head games with me and liked to try and manipulate me. I remember crying out to God saying how frustrated I was and how all I wanted was a man who was captivated by me and was that too much to ask? Deep in my spirit I sensed God say to me, “Amy I will give this man unto you if you really want him. Just know that he is not My best for you.” With that, I felt release to break up with this man. Roughly 3 months later I met the man who would become my husband. If I had continued to pursue this man…the one who was not God’s best for me…I am sure that I would have had my way but not God’s will. Who knows where I’d be now…6 years later. I am happy that I let God have His way.
By the way, one day early in our courtship Bob turned to me, looked me deep in the eyes and said, “Amy, you captivate me.” I had never told him about my prayer to God and yet here was a direct answer to my prayer. It pays to let God have His way.