7:00am Check work voicemail, receive message from new manager saying she needs me to call her as soon as possible.
7:10am Call new manager. Am informed that she contacted HR and was told I am on written warning and am not eligible to apply for new job postings and she has to rescind the job offer. Ask if I can reapply after my warning period is up. She tells me yes, but I sense she will not hire me now, no matter what.
7:15am Call my friend and Co-worker, Meg and ask her to meet me in the break room.
7:20am Cry on Meg’s shoulder.
7:30am Sit at desk and try not to cry.
7:35am Send my manager an email telling her not to bother to announce my departure since the job offer was rescinded.
7:36am Receive email from Manager asking if I want to talk. Reply that no, thank you, I don’t.
7:40am Send email to family and friends telling them I no longer have the job.
7:45am Email HR representative and ask if there is anything to be done.
7:45am-5:00pm Receive various and sundry emails expressing sympathy and condolences.
8:00am-Noon Try to work at tasks and jobs set before me without breaking down or crying like a fool.
Noon – 12:45 Drive home for lunch, crawl into bed with Bob and cry for 45 minutes.
12:45pm Drive back to work with red, puffy eyes and sniffles.
1:00pm Get to desk just in time for conference call.
1:01pm-1:45pm Sit at desk and listen to inane yammering of conference call.
1:50pm Receive call from Bob regarding an unspecified financial crisis that were the direct cause of my misuse/miscalculation.
2:00pm Sit at desk and have a silent nervous breakdown
2:10pm Go to bathroom to shake and cry
2:15pm Email counselor to see if she has time to meet with me today.
2:20pm Call HR rep and ask if he got my email. Talk with him about what is to be done. He looks over HR policy and reads that there is no policy about not being eligible to post for job openings when on formal warning, but you must disclose a formal warning during the interview process. He suggests that the new manager must have just said that to spare my feelings since once she saw I was on formal warning and hadn’t disclosed it to her she just didn’t want me on her team. He did suggest calling or emailing her and apologize for the miscommunication and explain the policy and ask her if she would like my HR rep to talk to her HR rep.
2:30pm Compose well worded apology email explaining what happened. Include disappointment over the whole episode and ask if there isn’t anything I can do to rectify the situation. Explain HR policy as understood by my HR rep and ask if he can contact her HR rep.
2:35pm Receive receipt of email read by new manager and never hear anything from her again.
2:45pm Receive email from counselor saying she can see me at 5pm.
2:46-5:00pm Try to work as if whole world isn’t falling apart. Try to stop voices in head from saying what a loser I am. Try to stop that song that says, “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?” from running nonstop through my brain. Try to stop thinking of ways to end my life. Try to stop thinking of all who would benefit from my being gone from this planet. Pack up desk in case I did decide to kill myself so Bob wouldn’t have to come to work and do it himself. Send email to 2 friends who want to meet for dinner the following night including my home and cell phone in case I did kill myself and didn’t show up at dinner.
4:55pm Call Bob and tell him I will be at counseling.
4:58pm Drive to counseling. Consider driving off bridge over interstate.
5:01pm Follow counselor into her office, sit down on her couch and commence sobbing.
5:02-5:50pm Spend the next 50 minutes telling my counselor that I no longer want to live, don’t deserve to live, would be better off by ending my life, crying, sobbing, trying to hide, wishing floor would open up and swallow me up, feel lost, hopeless and thoroughly rejected. Sob about how no one wants me anymore. Receive phone numbers and directions to check self into hospital. Tell counselor I cannot check into a hospital because I cannot miss any more days from work and would most assuredly lose this job if I went to hospital. Assure her that death was a better option. Hear her tell me that death is a permanent solution to temporary ills and offer other options.
5:51pm Call Bob to come and get me because counselor will not allow me to drive home in my own car considering my state of mind.
5:55pm Bob picks me up and drives me home.
6:00pm Bob outlines plan to overcome financial crisis which also includes not buying the condo. Realize I have lost my new job and new
home all in one day. Look at half our stuff packed in boxes and realize everything will have to be unpacked and re-organized.
6:15pm Bob tenderly and lovingly holds me and tells me he loves me. He tells me he is for me and will never be against me. He tells me he can be angry with me and still love me and want what is best for me. He tells me he doesn’t want me to end my life and that he hopes I can put the events of this day behind me and gather strength and go on. He rubs my feet throughout all of this.
6:30pm Bob steers me to bed and holds me while I lay in his arms and cry.
7:00pm Bob takes a nap while I go and open a new bottle of wine.
7:00-9:00 I drink the whole bottle of wine.
9:15pm I feel sick, bring back some of the wine and stagger off to bed.
9:30pm Crawl into bed, feeling miserable and sick. Realize that this is the end of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.