Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Timeline of the Day From Hell

7:00am  Check work voicemail, receive message from new manager saying she needs me to call her as soon as possible.

7:10am  Call new manager.  Am informed that she contacted HR and was told I am on written warning and am not eligible to apply for new job postings and she has to rescind the job offer.  Ask if I can reapply after my warning period is up. She tells me yes, but I sense she will not hire me now, no matter what.

7:15am  Call my friend and Co-worker, Meg and ask her to meet me in the break room.

7:20am  Cry on Megs shoulder.

7:30am  Sit at desk and try not to cry.

7:35am  Send my manager an email telling her not to bother to announce my departure since the job offer was rescinded.

7:36am  Receive email from Manager asking if I want to talk. Reply that no, thank you, I dont.

7:40am  Send email to family and friends telling them I no longer have the job.

7:45am  Email HR representative and ask if there is anything to be done.

7:45am-5:00pm   Receive various and sundry emails expressing sympathy and condolences.

8:00am-Noon     Try to work at tasks and jobs set before me without breaking down or crying like a fool.

Noon 12:45    Drive home for lunch, crawl into bed with Bob and cry for 45 minutes.

12:45pm Drive back to work with red, puffy eyes and sniffles.

1:00pm  Get to desk just in time for conference call.

1:01pm-1:45pm   Sit at desk and listen to inane yammering of conference call.

1:50pm  Receive call from Bob regarding an unspecified financial crisis that were the direct cause of my misuse/miscalculation.

2:00pm  Sit at desk and have a silent nervous breakdown

2:10pm  Go to bathroom to shake and cry

2:15pm  Email counselor to see if she has time to meet with me today.

2:20pm  Call HR rep and ask if he got my email.  Talk with him about what is to be done.  He looks over HR policy and reads that there is no policy about not being eligible to post for job openings when on formal warning, but you must disclose a formal warning during the interview process.  He suggests that the new manager must have just said that to spare my feelings since once she saw I was on formal warning and hadnt disclosed it to her she just didnt want me on her team.  He did suggest calling or emailing her and apologize for the miscommunication and explain the policy and ask her if she would like my HR rep to talk to her HR rep.

2:30pm  Compose well worded apology email explaining what happened.  Include disappointment over the whole episode and ask if there isnt anything I can do to rectify the situation.  Explain HR policy as understood by my HR rep and ask if he can contact her HR rep.

2:35pm  Receive receipt of email read by new manager and never hear anything from her again.

2:45pm  Receive email from counselor saying she can see me at 5pm.

2:46-5:00pm     Try to work as if whole world isnt falling apart.  Try to stop voices in head from saying what a loser I am.  Try to stop that song that says, Im a loser baby, so why dont you kill me? from running nonstop through my brain.  Try to stop thinking of ways to end my life.  Try to stop thinking of all who would benefit from my being gone from this planet. Pack up desk in case I did decide to kill myself so Bob wouldnt have to come to work and do it himself.  Send email to 2 friends who want to meet for dinner the following night including my home and cell phone in case I did kill myself and didnt show up at dinner.

4:55pm    Call Bob and tell him I will be at counseling.

4:58pm    Drive to counseling.  Consider driving off bridge over interstate.

5:01pm    Follow counselor into her office, sit down on her couch and commence sobbing.

5:02-5:50pm     Spend the next 50 minutes telling my counselor that I no longer want to live, dont deserve to live, would be better off by ending my life, crying, sobbing, trying to hide, wishing floor would open up and swallow me up, feel lost, hopeless and thoroughly rejected.  Sob about how no one wants me anymore.  Receive phone numbers and directions to check self into hospital.  Tell counselor I cannot check into a hospital because I cannot miss any more days from work and would most assuredly lose this job if I went to hospital.  Assure her that death was a better option.  Hear her tell me that death is a permanent solution to temporary ills and offer other options.

5:51pm   Call Bob to come and get me because counselor will not allow me to drive home in my own car considering my state of mind.

5:55pm    Bob picks me up and drives me home.

6:00pm    Bob outlines plan to overcome financial crisis which also includes not buying the condo. Realize I have lost my new job and new

      home all in one day.  Look at half our stuff packed in boxes and realize everything will have to be unpacked and re-organized.

6:15pm  Bob tenderly and lovingly holds me and tells me he loves me.  He tells me he is for me and will never be against me.  He tells me he can be angry with me and still love me and want what is best for me.  He tells me he doesnt want me to end my life and that he hopes I can put the events of this day behind me and gather strength and go on.  He rubs my feet throughout all of this.

6:30pm  Bob steers me to bed and holds me while I lay in his arms and cry.

7:00pm  Bob takes a nap while I go and open a new bottle of wine.

7:00-9:00       I drink the whole bottle of wine.

9:15pm  I feel sick, bring back some of the wine and stagger off to bed.

9:30pm  Crawl into bed, feeling miserable and sick.  Realize that this is the end of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.


Yvonne said...

My heart is aching for you.

Please, please realize this situation is temporary. Do NOT listen to the old voices in your head, they are wrong. This is a temporary set back. It is NOT a reflection on you as a person. You are a loving person, a good person who is wonderfully loved.

I am praying you will feel all the love and support your friends are sending you.

Reighnie said...

My 14 year old niece committed suicide this weekend. It is a very permanent thing to do for temporary situations.

Believe that God has a plan for you.

Melanie said...

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. You are definitely in for a monsoon here in the "when it rains, it pours" theory. I hope today was a little better, at least. When will your warning period be up? Rooting for something good to happen for you soon. {Hugs}

Tuesday said...

Oh dear. I am so sorry about what happened to you and the hurt it all caused. Listen, this too will pass and things will even out even though it seems like that is impossible.

If new Manager was scared off and couldn't respond humanly or with compassion you really didn't want to work for her anyway; better not even to get involved with people like that.

I wish you much strength.

Weetablog said...

Wow, what a truly awful day. Glad it's tomorrow already. What a goldmine you have in Bob! Please don't beat yourself up any more about what is just a stupid policy at work. You must feel as though you got the rug pulled out from under your feet, but it just means that your employer has a dumb policy and is not a reflection upon you. They may be your boss during work hours, but they do not rule your life and you are the champion of your destiny. Be strong and know that you are in my thoughts.

rdhdprincess said...

Oh honey, what an awful day. I am so sorry. I wish that I could have been at this dinner to give you a big hug, my friend. Mwah!

Robyn said...

I'm so sorry, Amy. ::HUGS::

misosmart said...

Your husband is just amazing. What a gem he is. You are so loved Amy. We all love you. Please don't kill yourself. That would be sucha horrible thing.