Monday, June 04, 2007

Anxiety and Goals

I need to learn how to deal with, get away from, loosen, fling away, anxiety.  I have been sitting at my desk all morning while my leg pumps up and down a mile a minute.  I come by this action naturally from my father’s side of the family.  (At large family meals it’s a wonder the dining table didn’t take off what will all the up and down leg pumping action.)  However, the source of this anxiety can be traced to this being a week of firsts for me.  On Wednesday, I will be undergoing my first FUS (I’m not sure what it actually stands for but in my brain it stands for Follicle Ultra-Sound.).  My appointment is 11:50 and they are checking my ovaries to see if I’m ovulating and if so, where in my cycle I am.  I believe I am an early ovulator but am unsure exactly when in my cycle I ovulate.  I will probably have to go back in a couple of days to make sure I am getting inseminated at the optimum time.

Speaking of hope, my hope knows no bounds that this is going to work. I know the odds are low and I know there are a lot of things standing in our way, but there are other obstacles that have been thrown in our way only to be cleared with little or no effort from me. The last one being a voicemail from the clinic business office on Friday afternoon and a bill of over $300 from the same clinic that day in the mail.  I read over the bill and realized they were billing us directly for Bob’s clinic visit with me the day we met our nurse practioner.  I fretted a little over the weekend, but not much.  I knew all I had to do was call and ask them to bill the insurance company.  We paid our co-pay so our part should be done.  The fretting came from wondering what would happen if they HAD billed the insurance company and it was rejected and this was our portion.  I knew that they would not let me go ahead with the FUS and insemination if that bill wasn’t cleared up.  This morning I called the clinic business office and they said I could disregard the entire bill.  That it had been submitted to insurance and we were up and current with our bills at the clinic and everything is go.  Whew! 

The billing thing is just one supposed obstacle that has been effortlessly removed.  Because I am in this supposed perpetual place of hope, I am looking at this ever clearing path as confirmation that we are doing the right thing at the right time and that we will be pregnant soon.  This month even.  Is it too much to hope for?  I don’t think so.  It has been done before and why not now?  Why not us?  It could happen.

The other first I am fighting anxiety over is my first day back in class.  Thursday is the first day of the first of my last 5 classes.  Got that?  I had every intention of doing all my homework over the course of the weekend but I didn’t.  I did get 2 chapters read and most of my stuff done.  However, I also had to do laundry and clean and watch movie after movie on TBS.  (Boy that Pay if Forward sucks sweaty donkey balls, doesn’t it?  What a god-awful horrible ending.)  Anyway, I am joining a new group of people who have been together for over a year and I am nervous.  I am hoping it goes well and goes fast.  (No too fast thought because we just got to June and I am not ready to be in November yet.)  I am ready to finally be done with my Bachelor’s degree and I jump through the hoops of these last 5 classes to get there.  (Hey!  Just like I can jump through the hoops of FUS and insemination to get pregnant!  See what I did there?) 

Set the goal, meet the goal, and get the prize.  Let’s just hope it all works out that way…both for school and pregnancy.

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