Counseling, Loss, and Lost

I had counseling yesterday and it was a good session.  I am working on all the stuff I stuffed and ignored after Bob’s diagnosis over 4 years ago.  I am realizing that I don’t allow myself to validate my negative feelings.  I stuff, ignore, or push them away.  I will feel anger, hurt, jealousy, fear, etc and instead of acknowledging them, I try to cover them up in some way.  I wonder where that comes from.  I am also learning to deal with/work through conflict.  I have always known that I fear conflict and avoid it like the plague, but I haven’t known how to face it and work through it.  I think part of that comes from moving a lot as a child.  Having issues with kids at school?  Move away!  Anyway, I am discovering that it is really hard to learn new ways of dealing with things I’ve handled in one way for 30 or more years.  For instance, I still feel angry that Bob lost his job and I was thrust into the roll of family provider.  I think it’s natural to feel angry.  In fact, if it were anyone else, I would totally be understanding of their anger and would do what I could to validate those feelings.  However, because it’s me…I feel guilty and instead of acknowledging the normalcy, I beat myself up and stuff the feelings or ignore them.  But it’s not like those feelings have gone away.  They are still there, lurking under the surface, most likely contributing to my current bout with depression. In fact, when my counselor brings up this issue and asks me about it, tear begin to roll of their own free will.  That’s how NOT gone those feelings are.  The good news is, I see it.  I recognize it and I’m working on it.

My boss’s 84 year old mother-in-law fell on Tuesday and broke her collar bone.  She went to the hospital and because she is usually on oxygen and her lung capacity was compromised by pneumonia, they put her on a ventilator.  Something went horribly wrong and she grew very ill overnight and ended up passing away yesterday afternoon. It was sudden and unexpected for such an injury.  I sent my boss a card, but beyond that I am not sure what to do.  Maybe, when she comes back to work, I will bring her a potted flower she can replant in her yard as a memorial.  What do you think?

LOST.  Wow.  OK, thanks for not calling my house last night because I was stuck in front of the TV for 2 full hours from 8-10.  I really enjoyed the episodes.  They did answer the question of how Desmond landed on the Island, why the plane crashed, what happens if you don’t push the button, where the notebooks go once they are filled, who the leader of the others seems to be, and if Michael would get Walt back.  However, they left a bunch of questions unanswered, plus added a bunch of new questions.  Here’s the list I’ve compiled:

1.)     What the heck kind of bird was that?
2.)     Where did the polar bears and weird metal monster thing go?
3.)     Where is Rouseau?
4.)     What happened to Jin, Sun, and Sayid?
5.)     What happened to John, Echo, and Desmond?
6.)     Who were the guys in the cold station and what were they calling Penny for?
7.)     Why did they let Michael and Walt go?  Hey…why did they let their boat go?
8.)     What happens to Jack, Kate, and Sawyer now?
9.)     Where is this “home” Henry and the others are taking Jack, Kate, and Sawyer?
10.)    What is the deal with “the others”?
11.)     Who pushed the button before Dharma/Hanso Foundation set up the hatches?  How did the world not explode?
12.)     Why and how do the paths of all these people cross with one another in the flash backs?

There you have it.  The things about Lost that make me go, “hmmmm”.