I am OK for Another Day

We are going to look at a condo tonight.  It’s about the size of our current apartment.  It’s in the same town we live in now.  It has 2 beds/2 baths and in unit laundry. (Yay!) The price is in our range and the association fees around outrageous.  If we like it, I don’t know what we will do since we don’t have pre-financing yet.  There is another condo we want to look at that is owned and being sold by Bob’s boss at the gas station.  He said he is flexible on the price.  The associate fees are high so I am hoping he means what he says about being flexible.  We have until the end of the week to make a decision about staying in our apartment for another year.

Counseling yesterday was good.  I ended up bawling at the last 5 minutes and left with puffy, achy eyes.  I talked about what happens if we never have children.  How do I come to terms with that?  Does it hurt for the rest of my life?  Do I ever get over that?  My counselor says I need to grieve it and feel the loss.  When I allow myself to feel it, it hurts so much.  I asked her if I will always feel bittersweet about my friends and families pregnancies.  Will I ever get to a point where I can just be happy for them and not feel my own sorrow and loss?  Of course she didn’t know the answer to that.

Bob and I are going to have the kittens declawed.  They chew the softpaws right off.  I had to replace one whole paw on Chloe when I got home from WI and another whole paw this morning.  Little stinkers.  We can’t declaw for another couple of months but they need to be spayed next month.  We’ll see what happens.

I talked to a representative from Joni and Friends today.  She was really nice and had a lot of good ideas.  She even mentioned a few churches in the area that are very disability minded.  One of them is a church we were interested in looking into at one time.  She also said that we might be able to apply for their grant and put that towards adoption fees. She said she’d never heard of anyone using it for that, but she doesn’t see why we couldn’t.  The worst they could say is no and then we would be no worse off.  Good idea!  We will see how that goes as well.

So, things are moving along…not bad, not great, but fine. I will take that.

Collecting Sea Shells

This week's quote is:
"One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few."~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh ~

I guess this means that life cannot be all beauty and fun and greatness. That life is only beautiful because the crappy stuff makes what isn't crappy more wonderful. I guess that makes sense.

My weekend away was wonderful because I had no commitments, no real plans, nothing standing in my way. I was able to spend time with friends and family uninterupted and it was amazing.

Right now I am frustrated with work (to see why, read yesterday's entry) and all I really want to do it run away. I want to start over. Begin a new life with Bob somewhere else...anywhere else. What I really want to do is raise horses and use them to help kids in need of physical therapy. I want a half dozen dogs and a bunch of cats. I want land near water and a porch. I want hard physical labor and a soft hammock to nap in. I want sunrises and sunsets and a gigantic garden. All of these things would be the seashells on the shore of my life. Right now I feel as if I am drowning in the sea of responsibilities and I need to land on the beach. I keep treading water, but all I get is tired.

When we are in Florida, my favorite place to visit is not Disneyworld. I get excited for our visits to the ocean. I love the waves, the power, the vastness, the sounds, and I love collecting shells. I always walk the beaches in search of new, odd, and beautiful specimens of sea shells. I pick them up, wash them off and bring them home. I live in landlocked Minnesota. We don't have sea shells in Minnesota. The shells I bring home remind me of our trip and our time at the ocean. They still smell of salt and sand and wind and ocean. I love our shells. I am happy for the memories. Part of me wishes we lived at the ocean so we could smell the sea and hear it every day. But if we lived at the sea, it might not be as special to me as it is. I might come to take it for granted...or even worse, I might come to hate it. I might come to hate the salt that covers everything and the wetness that is forever warping. I might come to see the sea as something to dread. Something that annoys rather than something majestic and holy and grand.

I guess in the same way I cherish my memories of the good times. If everything was all good all the time, I would not look upon the good times as I do. I would not consider them fondly and with good will. They would just be there. Maybe some day I will look upon this difficult time with a certain type of fondness as well. Maybe one day I will look back on the changes this time brought about and the lessons I learned and will realize that I had to go through them in order to get to the next thing, the next level, the next "ocean of awe" for me. I sure hope so. I don't feel like collecting times like this. Not like I do the good times and the good memories. But without the tough times, I may not grow to appreciate the good times as I do.

Back at Work

I’m back at work today. It is going OK although my boss requested a meeting with me today and at that meeting, she told me that I haven’t been performing up to par and that while I was gone, she discovered some things that disappointed and surprised her but she won’t go over those things with me until my semi-annual review next month. So, no idea what she could mean, although I know I have not been performing well lately…duh. And she said I would not be getting preferential treatment and would have to put my nose to the grindstone and work hard. I never asked for preferential treatment and I am ready to work hard. She also said she is surprised I am going back to school so soon and if I become distracted again, she will have to talk to me about putting off school for a time since work comes first. Work might come first but they don’t get to tell me what to do with my free time or schooling. Finally, she said that last week we had one day with no transactions at all and she is getting pressure from her higher ups to dictate in actual time what my duties are and how long each one should/does take. She is going to scrutinize me and my job for the next couple of weeks to see what I am doing and how long it is taking me. She is also going to structure my day more so than she has been so I have enough things to keep me busy. I wish they would just cut my position and let me look for something else within the company. Actually, I wish I could just magically transform myself into someone who keeps/care/boards horses and runs training and therapy camps for kids. I think that would be the best job in the world.

My trip home was good though quite quick. I got to my folks’ house Thursday night in time for dinner and then chatted with them for a bit. I realized I had forgotten some things so I made a quick trip to Wally World to pick up the forgotten items. Since I was out and about, I made a quick cruise through town and noticed a couple of new buildings, a couple of new vacancies, and not much else new, exciting, or different. I also got myself a nice car wash since the dead bugs had built up on my windshield and a bird had relieved itself within my sightline on the windshield. I got home and chatted with my folks some more before going to bed.

Friday I woke up earlier than I intended. I had wanted to sleep in but slept pretty crappily and just decided to get up. My nephews were there so we chatted and played and watched a movie. Then mom took us all to lunch at the Pizza Hut. After lunch, I loaded up my car and drove to West Bend to see some friends I haven’t seen for years. Since our last meeting, 3 children have been born and they were all there to delight over. I love these friends. Even though we hadn’t seen each other in years, it was as if we hadn’t been apart at all. The conversation was easy and fun. There was laughter that comes from the belly and lasts a long, long time. There was food and the holding and cooing of babies. There was catching up and remember whens and who’s doing what nows. It was fun and yet bittersweet because though we used to have this kind of fellowship nearly daily for several years, now it’s several years between visits and that’s no fun at all. I left there around 9 and got home near to midnight. Gas prices near Milwaukee shocked me. Nearly $3.20 for a gallon. In Madison it’s nearly $3.10. When I left MN, it was $2.89.

Saturday I wanted to sleep late but again was thwarted. I got up and was on the way to the Madison Farmer’s Market by 7:30. The market was still packed with yuppie families and hippy shoppers. I got my traditional Chai latte and made my way once around the square to see what kinds of bargains and offerings were to be had. The second trip is for buying. I bought some cheese curds. White, not yellow. I bought some goats cheese too, a little feta, some cheddar, and Muenster. I got a couple of ears of my favorite bi-color sweet corn and some funny purple and white bell peppers. Finally, I got some home made pasta that I can’t wait to make tonight with some grilled chicken breasts. I got the goods and instead of heading directly home, I swung by the UW Memorial Union to check out the terrace and the lake. I wished I had had some coffee so I could have just sat and drunk in the sight of the lake along with my brew. But I took some photos and enjoyed the lake for a bit before heading for home.

Mom and dad were leaving for a party in MN for Mom’s brother. We said goodbye and I finished our laundry. I realized that I could just leave for The Cities after visiting my brother and still make it home before dark. I finished the laundry, packed up my stuff, stripped the bed I’d been sleeping in and threw all the linens in the wash, and went to my brother’s to visit him and his family. The visit was laid back and fun. The boys played in, by, around their pool while the grown ups chatted. I ended up leaving their place around 4:30. I stopped for a bite to eat and then hit the road home. I started driving in sun, but soon hit some swirly scary clouds that looked ominous. No bad weather though and was soon back in the bright sunshine. I made it home by 9, which was pretty good time. Bob was surprised to see me, but happy to have me home. I have never been so glad to be home in my life. I unpacked, picked up, and vegged until my eyelids could stay open no more.

Sunday was another veg day. Bob had to work so I made us brunch before he left. I also had a roast in the crockpot for later. I uploaded my photos to Flickr (check them out by clicking my Flickr badge) and caught up on my email. I was in bed early and read until my eyes drooped. Overall, it was a good weekend and a nice way to end these past 2 weeks. I am scared about what is to come and nervous about being back at work, especially when things seem so up in the air and yet so stern and hard-nosed. We shall see what transpires.

Fishing

Bob with a GIANT sunfish I caught and Victor Nelson in the background
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

The photo above shows Bob holding a fish I caught Tuesday night while fishing Cedar Lake. Isn't it huge? Ha! The guy in the background is our new friend Victor from Memphis. He was an extra in The Firm and The People Vs. Larry Flint. He has his SAG card. He's a cook! He's one chatty fellow. We had a good time though we weren't catching as many or as large of fish as last week. It might have been because it was windy and cooler. Who knows. Fish are tempermental.

While fishing, Bob and I talked. Of course he was fine with me telling him all that's been going on in my head. I mean he wasn't really surprised. He's been experiencing my pulling away first hand. What he didn't know was why. We have more talking to do, but it was a good start.

Bob left last night to go north to visit some friends. I am leaving today to go visit my hometown friends and family. Bob comes back tomorrow and I come back on Sunday. I am back at work on Monday and back to school on August 7th. I would appreciate your prayers. I am scared about this whole cycle prepetuating itself again.

I am looking forward to my visit to my home town. I will see my family for sure. I am waiting to hear from a good friend who lives in Milwaukee to see if we can get together on Saturday but she hasn't called me back yet. For sure I will be perusing the Farmer's Market on Saturday morning and possibly taking in some live music. Can't. Wait. I leave in just a few hours...directly after counseling. I am well prepared with things to drink, my suitcase, my camera, my phone, and enough books on tape to cover the 5 hour drive. WI here I come!

Sewing It Back On

bee on a pansy
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

“When life whacks you so hard your head flies off, sew it back on and keep going.” ~ Mary Pierce ~

This is the quote for today from Christian Women Online's "In Other Words" feature. Man does this seem to fit me today.

Life seemed to be so good when Bob and I got married in September of 2001. 9/11 had just happened and the nation mourned the loss of life and innocense while taking collective stock of their own lives and situations. We were so thankful to be safe and alive and in love. Six months later our world imploded around us. Bob received his Muscular Dystrophy diagnosis, his best friend had a stroke and became paralyzed from the nose down, and Bob lost his job. In the next year we had to declare bankruptcy, Bob was relagated to a wheelchair, and I became the main wage earner for our home. Not only that but Bob was hospitalized in ICU for a week with a mysterious blood disorder that affected his breathing and he retained over 40 pounds of fluid. The doctors never did figure out what caused this...it mysteriously disappeared as it had appeared.

Through all of this I felt as though life was whacking my head right off my body and in order to survive, I HAD to sew it back on and keep going. There was hardly any time to stop and think...I just kept going.

Which brings us to today. Last week in counseling I discovered a root cause to my anxiety and depression. Know what it is? I resent my husband. I hate saying/typing that. I love him but I resent him. In trying to help him and to make our home comfortable for him, I ended up doing everything and not asking for help. It's just easier for me to do it. Granted, he does do laundry and that's a huge burden off my shoulders, but pretty much everything else falls to me.

Making meals? Check
Making beds? Check
Cleaning? Check
Paying bills? Check
Cleaning cat boxes? Check
Washing dishes? Check
Putting things away? Check
Picking up crap on the floor? Check

And as most of you know, that's just the short list. Add a full time job and full time school and is it any surprise that I became overwhelmed and anxious? So, today in counseling I hope to learn some strategies that will allow me to talk to Bob about all of this without placing blame on him or hurting him. Then, while we go fishing tonight, maybe I can talk to him about it.

I am off work again this week but everything seems to be in place to go back on Monday. I am taking a trip to my home town this weekend to see my family and friends. It will be a nice break.

Sometimes I Wish I Were a Kitten

A Trio of Sleepy Kitties
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

Today was better than yesterday. That's saying alot. I want to thank everyone who left a comment and a verse for me to meditate. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers.

I met with my counselor today. It was hard but it went really well. I started my session telling her about my epiphany in the Holiday Mart. How I was looking for junk food to fill that big empty space inside me and I realised, nothing in the Holiday Mart would fill that big empty space inside me. Then she asked me, "What is that empty space?" And I didn't know. Maybe it's a belief in myself. Maybe is a sense of purpose. I don't know.

We also talked about how I still believe I don't deserve help. How I crave it but when it's offered I either reject it, feel guilty and accept it, or accept it conditionally still feeling unworthy of receiving it. I think it stems from my weird combination of independence and extreme sensitivity, but who knows.

We talked about how I tend to feel like people who offer help and/or advice or suggestions to fix various situations are above me looking down on me whereas people who come along side of me and empathize and just express concern are on equal footing. It makes sense in my mind any way.

I still feel like I wish I could just run away and start over fresh and brand new somewhere else with a new name, idenity, job, etc. I'm not going to do that, but sometimes I wish I could. When I told my counselor as much she kind of chuckled and said, "It would be a great way to start over if only you were guaranteed a positive outcome from that." Yeah, I know. I still drag all the same baggage with me.

Bob decided to spend his hard earned money taking me out on a date. We went to Sunsets on Lake Minnetonka. It was heavenly. The food was good and the view spectacular. The company was the best, though. Sunsets is in hoity toity Wayzata. It's a quaint little lake-side city with an upscale downtown area. After dinner we took a walk on the docks to see the fish. There were about 50 sun fish hanging out looking for chow. I hocked a lugie into the lake and they all swam for it. Yuck! After that we walked the lake walk for a while. All the while we had a really good talk. It was a much needed time alone together.

We are hoping to go fishing tomorrow. We are just going to drive to a lake and hang out at a local lake and see what we can catch. I tend to go for the small but plentiful while Bob takes his time and goes for the biggest fish he can find. The weather is supposed to get much hotter beginning tomorrow. They are saying 100 by Saturday. We turned on our air tonight in anticipation of the coming heat wave.

Not sure what each day will bring. I just pray for healing and a better day tomorrow than I had today.

"In Other Words"

"Once in a while you have to take a break and visit yourself ." - Audrey Giorgi
It seems appropriate that my first entry into Christian Women Online's "In Other Words" Blog Participation Event should be to write about the quote above and what it means to me.

I think this is what I am doing right now in order to try and get better. I am taking a break in order to get to know myself better and hopefully heal. Tomorrow I will meet with my counselor in order to get to the bottom of why I cannot escape this depression that continues to haunt me. Not only the depression but the searing self loathing that has accompanied it.

In my head I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that the LORD knows the number of hairs on my head and that He has plans for me that are for good and not for evil. Yet my heart feels differently. I need to get to the place where my head and my heart know and believe the same things.

I need to take this time to learn what is good and pleasant and honorable about me. Bob tells me what is good about me and I fear to believe it. Yet I need to take this time to learn what it is that others like about me. I know what is not good about me and what needs improvement. I am going to take this break in order to visit myself and learn what it is that God has implanted inside of me that is good and worthy of life.

If any of you have any encouraging verses you can pass my way, please leave them in the comments section. I will use this break to look them up, reflect on them and apply them to how I might get to know myself better through the eyes of God.

After the Weekend

I had a hard weekend. No one thing was hard about it. I just continued to feel empty and lost. When I went to bed last night, I just cried and cried. Bob came home from work while I was crying and held me. He wanted to know why I was crying and for a long while I just couldn't tell him. Finally I came out and told him that the reason I was crying was because I wished I was dead. I wasn't getting better and couldn't see any good for me in the future and I just wished I wasn't here any more. He held me and prayed for, with, and over me until I fell asleep exhuasted. Before I fell asleep, he wanted to know if I should go to the hospital. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to sit in the emergency room so we agreed to wait until today.

Today I called all around...to my regular doctor, my therapist, a therapist friend, and my church to see if anyone could recommend a Christian based inpatient mental health facility. I did not get a call back until after 2. It was my regular therapist. In talking with her about my state of being, she said she though inpatient care was too drastic. So the plan right now is that this week I will see her daily with a re-evaluation on Friday as to whether or not I still think I need hospitalization. I admit I was a little bummed about this because I had psyched myself up for hospitalization. I loaded and started the dishwasher, cleaned out the fridge, cleaned the cat boxes, changed the sheets, and took a shower.

I am not sure how I feel about this right now. I need help. I am not getting better. I feel low and sad and empty and broken. I hope this time I can get the help I need.

What I Could Write About

I haven’t been writing here lately.  It’s not because I don’t have anything to say.  It’s because I don’t know what to say about what I have to say.  I’m still struggling.  And it’s hard.  I don’t like myself.  In fact I guess you could say I hate myself.  I hate how I look.  I hate how I feel.  I hate my mind.  I hate my style.  I hate my personality and my traits.  I hate my habits and my anxieties.  I hate my proclivities.  I hate my addictions.  Hate. Hate. Hate.  So.  What should I write about?

I could write about how much I hate my job right now.  It’s boring.  Bankers are not selling annuities right now.  I am used to processing over a hundred transactions a day. Lately I have been lucky to process 6.  The rest of my day is filled with busy work that is just stuff no one else has time or inclination to do. 

I could write about the one gal at work I cannot get along with.  She does not like me.  I was ambivalent towards her.  However, her disdain of me has created all kinds of self loathing and introspection on my part.  Why doesn’t she like me?  Am I too talkative?  Am I not talkative enough?  Am I too perky?  Am I too maudlin?  Am I too nice? Am I not inclusive enough?  Do I talk about my cats too much?  What?  Why do I give this person so much power over how I feel about myself?  It wasn’t such a big issue until this last bout of depression hit and now I can’t separate how I feel about myself from how she feels about me.  She never acknowledges me.  If she sees me in the hall, she walks the other way and doesn’t look at me or say hi.  If I go downstairs to get mail, I will bring everyone’s mail back up with me.  If she goes downstairs to get mail, she will bring everyone’s mail BUT mine.  If I order out for lunch I will send an email asking everyone if they want to go in on a delivery order with me.  If she does, she will ask everyone but me.  It’s not in my imagination that she doesn’t like me.  I just don’t have any idea how to deal with it.  I don’t know what to do and It is driving me crazy and is just one more reason why I don’t like my job.

I could write about how some stupid fuzzy woodland creature chewed through our brand new gas grill hose and the frustration that encompassed me last night as I was trying to light said grill.  I specifically went to the grocery store after lunch to get corn on the cob to grill with our lovely pork ribs and we were left grill-less.  I will be purchasing a repair kit tonight and will be taking the hose inside with me each evening.  Stupid squirrels.

I could write about my non-existent sex drive and Bob’s seeming second puberty.  But I know family members read this…so no.

I could write about how I withdrew from my next class because I don’t yet feel prepared to enter the academic fray again quite yet.  I have one more month off before I jump into the next class.  Man I hope I can get it together in time for that class.

I could write about how bad I feel that Bob is married to me right now.  He was gone overnight one night this week and I felt so much more relief.  I didn’t have to do anything for anyone.  I didn’t have to be an audience to anyone.  I came home and made a dinner I wanted to eat and just sat on the couch watching TV and ended up going to bed around 9pm.  It’s not much different from what I usually do, but I only had me to be concerned about and it felt as if a thousand monkeys had been lifted off my back.  I could also write about how guilty that makes me feel.

I could write about how the other day I stopped by our local quickie mart because I needed something and as I walked the aisles I realized that I wasn’t hungry.  No.  I was empty. I wasn’t looking for something to fill my stomach. I was looking for something to fill this vast hole/void inside me.  And as I walked the aisles I realized that nothing there looked good.  Nothing felt good.  Nothing was going to work to fill that void.  I could write about how I left the store and sat in my car and cried because I felt so empty and could not find anything to fill me.  I could also write about how I went home and ate cookies until I thought I would barf.  Granted the amount of cookies I can eat to barf-hood these days are about 5, but still.

I could write about how the paragraph above bugs me mostly because I remember reading about there being a God-shaped hole in all of us when I was in Jr. High.  I thought I filled that hole with God Himself when I was 14 and discovered a faith and belief and Jesus for myself.  The evidence seems to point to the contrary.  Maybe there are more holes in me than in the guy who wrote that quote.  Who knows.  I just wish I could feel fulfilled instead of this vast empty void of nothingness.

Hmmm.  For not having much to write about, I wrote a lot.

Cat Billboard

Cat Billboard
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

This billboard is by the building where I work and I've been meaning to take a photo of it for months. If you can't tell, it's a giant photo of a fishing lure with large fiberglass cats above and below. If you click my Flickr badge, there is a close up photo of some of the cats. It's a cute billboard.

I am not sure where to begin catching y'all up.

We bought the kittens some Soft Paws claw covers. They are too little for declawing right now but NOT too little to scratch up our carpet, furniture, legs, and bedding. The claw covers have been working out really well except they HATE having them applied and I have to replace one or two a day because I'm still learning how to apply them and they are crazy playful. It looks like we have painted their nails blue, but we just capped them.

This weekend I have been busy running errands and picking up stuff. I received a tuition reimbursement check so I got some much needed...stuff.

Friday I went out at lunch to pick up a new cord for my computer. The kittens chewed up my old one and it wasn't charging anymore. Did you know a new computer cord and converter costs $100? Now you do. After work I ran to Target. I needed to get some greeting cards, a couple of gift cards, and a toaster. The toaster we received as a wedding present died last week and they had the exact same one at Target for under twenty bucks.

I had to get greeting and gift cards because this week has been monumental in life experiences for our friends. My friend SuAnn gave birth to their first baby, a daughter on Tuesday. That same day, Bob's good friend Bill died. On Friday we found out that the health services coordinator at the MDA office gave birth to their first child, a son. The only thing is, he came 11 weeks early and he came while they were in Denver for a wedding. He had to have heart surgery and they might be there for 8-11 weeks while he gets bigger and stronger. Thankfully they are staying at the Ronald McDonald house in Denver so housing is taken care of. But how frustrating must it be to have planned to be away for a weekend wedding and end up having to stay/live there for 8-11 weeks? Crazy.

We got a short thunderstorm early Saturday morning and that was kind of fun. I like sleeping through storms. After that rumbled through, we slept in and that was heavenly. Bob slept more while I ran to Petco to pick up a couple of litter boxes. When I got there I noticed that there were a lot of dogs. Turns out there was a doggie adoption going on. There were some sweet doggies looking for homes. I hope they all find one. After Petco I went to Backmans to find some tomato cages. After that, I went home.

Bob worked at the gas station that afternoon and I set up the new litter boxes and tomato cages. I really enjoy our patio garden. My petunias are getting really leggy. I wish I knew how to keep them low and spread out and not so leggy. My rosy pansies are not doing as well. Only 2 out of 6 have survived so far. I have 6 baby tomatos so far and our morning glory vines have really grown, though they have not yet flowered.

While Bob was working, I decided to take in a matinee. I went to see The Devil Wears Prada. I really liked it. I read the book when it first came out and I think they did a great job of making the movie stand on its own while still being true to the main themes of the book. After the movie I spent the evening on the patio. I read a book and I paid our bills. It felt good to get all our bills paid and the night was beautiful so it was nice to be able to sit outside and do it.

Today Bob and I went to church. It was good. It was hard. There were quite a few friends missing today. I was hoping to see our bestest church friends...the couple we hope to have over on Tuesday...but they were not there. The husband emailed Bob to say they would like to spend the 4th at our place but we have nothing formally planned.

After church we came home and while Bob napped, I made an Italian hotdish for lunch. I just fried up some ground beef, onions, and garlic and added that to some tomato sauce, cooked wagon wheel noodles, and ricotta cheese. I topped that with provalone slices and baked it until it was brown and bubbly on top. It was tasty if I do say so.

Bob went to work at the gas station and I went to Wal-Mart to get tooth paste and facial wash. While there I thought I would pick up a replacement hose for our gas grill. We got this grill out of the trash 3 years ago when we first moved in. We replaced the grates, the lava rocks, and the tank. I tried to use it this spring but while it lit, it didn't stay lit. We figured the hose was shot so I went to get a new one. The replacement hoses were $17.00. A brand new table top gas grill was $20.00. I got the new grill. When I got home, I put it together, hooked it up, pressed the ignitor button, and we had a working grill. I put our old, used grill back in the trash area. It had been used as a charcoal grill before we took it and while it worked, it never quite worked as well as it was supposed to. Our new little grill works like a charm and takes up way less space. It will be easy to put away this winter and we won't have to worry about critters making their winter home in it. (We think this is why our hose didn't work...critters chewing on it and making their winter home in the grill.)

So all in all it was a productive, restful, fun weekend. I have to work tomorrow, but it will be a short day. I have Tuesday off and am looking forward to that. I have a phone interview tomorrow for an administrative position within Big Bank Co. Not sure how that will work out, but I am looking for something that is 30 hours a week and this position is.

Have a happy Independence Day!

The Circle of Life

Matt and SuAnn
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

In the truest sense of the circle of life, I have received the announcement that at almost exactly the time Bob's friend Bill was breathing his last, my friends SuAnn and Matt welcomed their first child into the world. Welcome Abigail! Happy birthday to you little one.

R.I.P. Bill

Bills Fundraiser 020
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

One of Bob's best friends died early this afternoon from cancer of the esophogus. He had been suffering with it for over a year. The past 10 days have been the worst of the struggle. His struggle is now over and he is finally at peace. We will miss you Bill! Bob is sad but not without hope. He just wishes he could have seen you one last time to say goodbye, but our time with you last July was sweet and will be a good memory forever. Rest in Peace Bill. Thanks for being a good friend to my husband. Thanks for looking out for him when he was alone. We will be there for your wife, if she lets us.

Everything Reminds Me of My Failure

My coworkers are not so much my coworkers as they are working mothers and fathers.  Some are even working grandmothers and grandfathers.

My period, though regular, is not as regular as is could/should be and comes every month…month after month.  Since getting married, I have had 50 periods. (well, more than that, but I am just rounding off.) 50 months of grief.  50 months of pain and loss.  50 months of hopes dashed.  50 fine, regular, working periods leading to…more fine, working, regular periods I guess.

My 4 cats are great but are a sad story of 2 lonely people needing to give love to something beyond themselves so they choose to give it to pets.  We are the crazy cat couple.

My car was originally purchased over 5 years ago with the thought that it would be a family car.  So far the only family to ride in it has been my Mom, my Grandma, my husband, and occasionally a cousin.  Good thing we sprung for the car seat anchors don’t’cha know.  They’ve come in very handy these past 5 years.

I have 3 cousins that are all in their 20s.  (Two girls and a boy…they are siblings.)  Last year the two girls each had a baby within months of one another.  One got married to the baby daddy after the pregnancy was announced, the other didn’t.  This year, the boy’s girlfriend is due with their first any day now.  That’s three babies in a year for that family.  My dad’s brother is a grandpa by all of his kids.  My dad is only a grandpa by my brother and he only has boys.

The last of my currently married friends to not have children is due any day with her/their first child.  Most of my currently married friends are on their 2^nd or 3^rd child.  Even the friends who married after me and Bob have had children.

I just want to say thank you to all of you for your kind words and offers of prayer.  It really means a lot to me…more than you can ever know.  Someone asked if I have friends or places where I can rant/rave/yell.  That is kind of what this space is for.  I take what is in my heart/mind/soul and put it here so it’s no longer rattling around in my head.  So if things seem somewhat heavy or BIG or tense or manic or whatever…that is because I take those things and put them in writing so they no longer have such a giant hold on me. 

Speaking of things rattling around in my head, I can’t help but still feel that I am huge, colossal failure.  The one thing I have only ever wanted and it continues to elude me. The thing my body was made to do is the one thing it is not able to do.  The one thing so many women so effortlessly achieve is the one thing I seem to not be able to be. It drives me crazy when I hear women say, “Oh, Hubby and I decided to start trying to get pregnant so I went off the pill and the next month, I got pregnant!”  How does that happen?  To think that as a teen and young 20 I remained a virgin not so much because I desired to remain sexually pure until my wedding day (although that was part of it) but because I feared getting pregnant before being married and all that carried with it.  I wonder if I could have conceived then if I had played around?  Not that I would change that, but I just wonder.

More Than Accuclear

More Than Accuclear
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

Two days late so I took a pregnancy test. I am clearly not pregnant. Two hours later, my period shows. Great.

Sometimes I wish I were not me.

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

Sometimes I wonder how Bob can love me.

Sometimes I wish I were dead.

Sometimes I wish I were good at something.

Sometimes I wish I never had to leave the apartment again.

Sometimes I wish I could stay in bed forever.

Sometimes I wonder if things will ever change.

Sometimes I think life sucks.

Sometimes I cry for no reason at all.

Sometimes I wonder how other people do it.

Sometimes I wish I could do things right.

Sometimes I wonder if I could do it all over again if I would get it right.

Sometimes wonder why I even try.

Sometimes I wonder where my baby is.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even have a baby.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to me.

Sometimes I wonder, "why not me?"

Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

I always wish I could be better.

Current Turn of Events

After tossing and turning for hours last night I made the decision to drop the class I am currently taking and take these next classless 3 week to assess where I am at and then join up with my group at the next class.  I hope to take the next 4 classes with my group but I will have to make up this class and a speech class after the first of the year.  That pushes my graduation back to December 2007.  Maybe Spring…but 2007 for sure.

I just couldn’t finish this class.  It’s weird because it’s a subject I like and am deeply interested in but I couldn’t get my butt in gear to get the work done.  I would start and delete and start and delete.  Or worse yet, just stare at a blank screen.  I was behind in my projects and nowhere near ready for class tonight.  I don’t know what happened. I used to look forward to class every Monday night.  Now I’ve been dreading them.  I haven’t been using time wisely in preparing for class either.  I’ve been slacking and my grades show it.  I am not proud of my work and I need to get back to a place where the school work is important and done in a timely and excellent manner.  How do I get back there?  I don’t know.  I’m hope 3 weeks off does the trick.  I am not happy about this latest turn of events or in my part in them, but boy did I feel some relief when I finally made the decision.  It was sweet. 

Bob has been working hard at the gas station.  Not only did their regular nightly cashier die unexpectedly but they fired the newest guy hired due to his pilferage and lying. But the boss told Bob that while they are happy to have him fill in, he doesn’t want him working 10 hour days 5-7 days a week.  He said they would cover the schedule so if he had to work, his shift would only be 5 or 6 hours.  He really likes Bob and wants him to stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible.  Bob has been feeling really good since he’s been getting some hours and bringing home a paycheck.

Speaking of paychecks, I have had 4 requests for interviews today.  I am scared to reply.  I am scared to stay.  My fear is immobilizing me from changing anything. Arg!  Part of the problem is that these interviewers want to meet me during the work day downtown or further.  I can’t take off of work to interview.  I hate being sneaky. Bah.  There is one possibility in a suburb next door that might work over a lunch hour.  Although their position involves some sales and I am not sure I am cut out for that.  Of course the jobs I REALLY want are not calling me.  Maybe I will just keep my eyes open and will only apply for the jobs I REALLY want.

Operation Job Hunt

One Baby Tomato
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

So. Friday. I had a phone screen interview with a hiring rep from another department of Big Bank Co. I think it went OK although I had to admit that I don't have alot of experience in the job they are hiring for. Also, there are sales involved and I am not big on that. If nothing else, I am able to practice my interviewing skills. I do have to say that I do interview well. I have a face to face interview with a guy downtown on Thursday morning and lets not forget my informational interview with the Communications Manger at the Sales and Service magazine! Whee!

Yesterday after work I had to stop at Target. As I pulled up, it started to rain a little bit. The minute I set foot in Target, the deluge began. It was as if the skies opened up. It poured buckets of rain, there was lightning and thunder. It was crazy. I did my shopping and made sure to pick up an umbrella since I didn't have one on me. The checkout guy made a joke about how much I will need it. As I walked my purchases to my car, the umbrella did little to keep me dry since the wind was blowing the rain straight into me. I opened the trunk of my car and had just begun to load the stuff into it when I heard the rain start to plunk. I actually swore and began to load things in faster. It's hard to get a 35 lb thing of kitty litter into a trunk when you are holding an umbrella. However, it's even harder when it begins to rain marble size hail on ya. AND there was a car sitting right behind me waiting for my spot. I made it into my car none the worse for wear.

Bob was working at the station so I picked some hot, yummy food for him and stopped by to see how he was doing. He was happy to see me as he had been worried about me. He said the window in our office was open and he was worried about wetness since the wind seemed to blow strongly ifrom that direction. I told him not to worry about it since there was a tree right in front of that window. I dropped off his food, kissed him and went home to check the damage.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in to see a small/tiny flood right under our office window. The desk had standing water, the floor was wet though not sopped, and the window was soaked. I called Bob and told him I was wrong and he was right. I dried everything off, set up the fan, and shut the window. We had storms off and on the rest of the night and that was kind of nice. I love a good summer storm. My poor flowers got kind of beaten down from the wind and rain, but I think they will be OK.

The nicest thing about this weekend so far was that I was able to sleep in this morning. I did have weird dreams though. Very odd and unsettling. Still, I didn't wake up until 9 and that was heavenly.

I had planned on doing homework all day, but since Bob has to work tomorrow, I decided to put it off until then so I could get the work done. When he is home, he likes to chat and it's hard to get stuff done. Instead, I mailed our father's day cards and decided to stop by the farmer's market. I have lived here for 8 years and this was my first foray to the Minneapolis farmer's market. What have I been waiting for? I picked up a huge bunch of pink peonies for $5, a nice creamy gouda for $3, a mixture of HUGE red and yellow peppers for $3, and 2 tomato plants for $5. Bargains galore are to be had.

Bob was up and awake when I got home. I made him some coffee, chopped up the peppers for freezing, and got my tomato plants ready for planting. I also planted some wildflowers and sunflowers in another pot. We now have flowers and tomatos growing on our patio. We think it looks like a little slice of eden. Check out my Flickr photos and judge for yourself. I planted the pansies, petunias, and geraniums. Bob planted the morning glories. I sat on our patio for some time this afternoon, enjoying the beauty of our patio garden.

The rest of the day was spent alternating between watching TV movies and cleaning. I also made a home made pizza. Our place looks and smells great. Come on over and hang out with us.

Randomness

Touching Paws
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

The picture of the kittens is one of my favorites. They were sleeping on the couch but only their paws were touching. It was supremely cute. Moreso than the photo conveys.

Today we had a team meeting with my boss, her boss, and a coworker to discuss my boss's performance. It was a good meeting and it has been decreed that she is going to work on communication, coaching, and recognition. Good things to work on. She also said she would help us take classes, seminars, or anything else that might help us in our career quest. This is a good thing because:

I was reading Big Bank Co's company service and sales magazine. I noticed that the editor had a local area code. I looked him up on our work intranet site and sure enough, he is located right here in Minneapolis. I emailed him, introduced myself and asked how one might come to work for him. He emailed me back and asked if I would like to get together for a half how face-to-face informational interview. Would I? (Peg leg.) I emailed my boss to ask her permission, she gave the OK, I emailed him back to say I'm there! Whoot! So we shall see what happens.

In the meantime, I received my last shipment of books for my final semester of school. I also printed out my last 4 syllabi and filled out my last 4 tuition reimbursement requests. Thank God! I have one more class in PR Writing and then 2 weeks off. Yay! Then my last semester begins. Bob and I were talking last night and he is going to give me some cash to through a combo birthday/graduation party. The only thing is, I think I will have to have it in January since December is so packed with stuff. I am going to go to the party store this weekend to see if they have any graduation stuff on discount.

I had counseling today too. That is going well. I am learning that I don't like myself. Duh. My counselor asked if I could still of a time when I ever liked myself. I said no. I could think of accomplishments that I liked, but I would honestly not think of a time that I liked me for me. Sad, huh? So, we are going to work on that. Just add it to the list of all the other stuff I have to work on.

Tonight I am going to an event center off Lake Minnetonka. The event is being held by the radio station I listen to. I hope it's fun. I will take photos. Bob was going to come with me when he was asked to work. So he's at the station tonight.

This is wierd, this afternoon my hands would not stop sweating. Bleh.

*Sigh* Back to the drawing board

So the 32 hour work week is not going to happen.  At least not at this job.  It’s all too technical to get into here but it has to do with full-time staff and billable hours and temps and supervisors and office politics and blah, blah, blah.  What they did offer me was a half day of work on Monday (my school day) and a 9 hour work day the rest of the week.  Y-e-e-a-a-a-h.  Not exactly what I was looking for.  So I am searching the job board to see what I can see. They did have the nerve to ask me if I wouldn’t consider putting off my last semester for another year since I seem to feel so overwhelmed.  Ummm…no.  I only have 4 classes and 5 months left of this school thing and I don’t want to put it off for another year.

Bob called.  He ran over Chloe.  Poor kittens and their infernal curiosity.  She is OK but he said she screamed louder than Zoe and Daisy came running to her rescue.  He said Daisy came running with a low, guttural growl and when she got to him, she arched her back, puffed her fur and hissed at him as though he were plotting the kitten’s demise.  He hissed back at her and she backed down, but how funny!  Chloe hid for a while but came out to play with her sister later and seemed fine.

Bob worked at the store last night and did I go to bed early?  No, I did not.  I stayed up until well after 10, drinking a Mike’s Hard Apple Premium Malt Beverage and playing Text Twist.  It was heavenly.  An earlier bedtime might be in order tonight though.  Poor Bob.

Time to Change?

Guess how many emails 7 days away from work will get’cha.  Well, I don’t know about you, but for me it equals 112.  I know for some people that is their daily email intake.  My daily email intake is usually about 12 so 112 is a little bit over average.  Thankfully I have finally gotten through all of them.  They have all been addressed, tossed, filed, or forwarded.  Whew.

I forgot to tell you about the hand burning event of yesterday.  I was making chai tea latte in the microwave.  This consists of me pouring about a cup of chai tea mix into my Pyrex measuring cup and then adding about a cup of milk to that.  I put the Pyrex in the microwave and heat it for 3 minutes.  I do this every day.  However, yesterday something happened.  I grabbed my travel mug from Caribou with my left hand and the Pyrex with my right hand.  As I began pouring the hot liquid into the mug, it all exploded and gushed over the mug and onto the counter, floor, and my left hand.  I set the Pyrex down and was about to rinse my burning hand off when the kittens ran into the kitchen to see if there was a treat to be had.  So they wouldn’t burn their paw pads or tongues, I grabbed them and put them in the kennel until I was done.  THEN I ran the coldest water possible over my burning left hand.  With my right hand, I mopped the mess off the counter as best as I could.  Once my left hand felt numb from the cold water, I grabbed a mop and cleaned up the floor.  Once everything was clean, I ran water over my hand again.  The rest of the day, my left hand throbbed and ached.  It was red and angry looking and it hurt if I touched, brushed, or bumped it.  Today it looks as though nothing ever happened to it and it doesn’t hurt at all.  Weird.

So I met with my boss and am still awaiting word if my request for a 32 hour work week has been approved.  I may not hear for a day or two as we are in the midst of an audit.  Sigh. 

I stayed home from class last night since my hand was throbbing and I wasn’t feeling so well.  I’m not sure if it was because of the burn or because of my lack of sleep from the night before.  I fell asleep on the couch by 6 and was in bed and asleep by 8.  I thought that would go far to help me get through my day, but I still feel tired and sleepy.  My eyes are heavy and my limbs all feel leaded.  I can hit the hay early tonight as well.  Usually I would feel guilty about that because of Bob. He waits all day for me to get home from work and when I do, I only spend an hour with him before going to bed.  Well, tonight he is working at the gas station until close so I can go to bed at 6pm guilt free.

In other news, I have received 2 calls from Big Bank Co recruiters in other areas.  A while ago I posted my resume on our intranet job recruiting site and I am getting responses today.  I have to call them at lunch.  I’m not sure what jobs they are calling me about, but it might be time for a change. 

I'm Back

I am back at work today.  I wish I could have taken one more week, but it is probably for the best that I return this week.  I get to sleep late last night, couldn’t fall asleep, and once asleep, didn’t sleep well.  In fact, I kept dreaming about not being able to sleep.  That never bodes well.  Of course all my fretting seems to be for naught.  Things were fine and are fine at work.  My boss and her boss were worried about me and are going to do what they can to help keep me healthy.  I have asked for scaled back hours.  My first choice is to have Mondays off.  Because of the nature of my work and how highly regulated our business is, that may not be possible.  But my boss assured me she would work with her boss to see if something can’t be worked out.  I feel better just sharing all of that.

Zoe seems fine.  She played hard with her sister last night, ate again this morning, and played hard again before I left for work.  She also took a long nap with Bob and Chloe yesterday afternoon/early evening.  So all seems well with her and for that I am thankful.  Unfortunately, Bob’s big old goldfish did not fair so well.  Bob has had this giant orange gold fish for at least 4 years now and he had to flush him last night.  Poor guy.  He rolls over Zoe and flushes Goldie in one day.

I haven’t really shared much about my week off last week.  I’ve been working through some stuff in counseling and that’s been good.  I am learning that I take on too much, don’t ask for help when I should, expect perfection, and then freak when I find myself fallible and flailing.  I also crave support but when it’s offered, I feel guilty and unworthy so will shun or reject the support I was previously craving.  Mmmmm, healthy!  I also need to let Bob do more, talk more about what I’m feeling with him, and stop protecting him from “the bad” stuff.

Also last week my parents were in town.  So I was able to spend 2 whole days with my mom and that was nice.  Bob and I also were able to attend a Twins game with my dad and grandma.  It was a treat to see them and spend time with them while they were here on business.  Also, I was able to show my mom the yummy places to lunch in the metro area.  We had lunch on the lake at Sunsets on Tuesday and tried the buffet at Qcumbers on Wednesday.  Yum!

So, that’s what is going on with me.  I am hurting but healing and trying to adjust things in my life so there is time for everything.  In fact, in an effort to care for me, I am skipping class tonight in order to get to bed early so I don’t heap lack of sleep upon lack of sleep.  I just cannot describe to you how much harder my life becomes if I don’t get good sleep each night. (Those of you with infants are laughing at me now, I know.)  The extra work I will have to do to make up the class is worth it to care for myself.

Scary Afternoon

Zoe Asleep
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

We just had a scary occurance. Bob was getting ready to take out the trash. As he backed up we heard Zoe scream. Before he could react, she screamed again. We couldn't see her. We didn't know what he rolled over. He rolled back ever so slowly and she came running into the kitchen. I picked her up but Bob told me to set her down so we could see if she was walking OK. She seemed to be walking OK but she had a cough. We put her on the bed while Bob called the vet. I pet her and she purred. Bob did a check up on her and then I got some wet food to feed her. She ate and seemed to be OK. We put her in the kennel so she could rest and we could observe her. She seems to be OK but we are going to watch her closely. We think Bob may have rolled over her tail but it seems to be OK. It was very scary. I did not do so well. As soon as Bob told me to put her on the floor so he could watch her walk, I started to cry. I didn't stop until Zoe started to eat. I am not the person you want to have in your corner during a crisis. Thank God Zoe is OK.

The Fog is Lifting

The Lift Bridge Shrouded in Morning Fog
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

I had a pretty good day today. I slept in and woke up to the phone ringing. It was my boss. I wrote about our plan earlier today. It felt good getting a plan in place.

Later in the morning I found out that an online friend of mine was hosting a summer boutique with a gal I owed dishclothes to. So I loaded up my stuff and took to the streets. I dropped off the washclothes and picked out my payment in product. Unfortunately for me, there are not enough washclothes in the world to keep me in Mily's product. LOVE her stuff. I did have a nice visit with Kathy though and actually felt normal for the first time this week. It was nice to chat and laugh and be silly.

I went to counseling this afternoon. It was a good session. One of the things I'm learning is that I don't allow myself to feel anger. Or at least express it. Both Bob and I grew up in homes where anger was expressed negatively towards us. Thus whenever one of us gets angry the other of us feels as though we were the cause whether or not that is the case. We both have a hard time separating the anger from ourselves. So rather than deal with that, we just don't express anger or outrage of any kind.

The other thing I'm learning is that I have taken on too much. A full time job, the bulk of the breadwinning, full time school and homework, not to mention almost all the household responsibilities except for laundry. I pay the bills. I cook the meals. I clean up after the cats. I do any errand running. I do any administrative stuff that needs doing. And I take care of Bob. It's too much. No wonder I had a near breakdown.

I need to learn to ask for help. As such, I will pursue a lead I found for the spouses of handicapped. Also, Bob and I are going to go to the county government center and see if we can get a social worker to show us what other kinds of help might be available to us. And I am going to see if there is some way someone or several someones in chuch might be willing to help me with some household stuff. I think that's the hardest thing to let go of. It's my home, you know?

For so long I have thought that I had to do it all. That I had to hold us all together. I thought that it all fell to me to take care of us. But it's too much. I know that now. I need to let go and be willing to accept help however it comes.

For now I am going to continue with school. I only have 4 more classes/1 more semester. I can do it. I have to. I need to do this. Yes it's a lot but it's almost over. I've been going to school for 14 months and only have 5 more to go. I will put it on hold if I feel I must, but at this point, I am OK with it.

My counselor and I agree that I need to work on returning to work sooner rather than later, but for sure I will be off this next week. After that, I don't know. I am meeting with her again twice next week. Bob and I will be going to the county building and I am going to try and find the support group.

My counselor asked me if I had one wish that I could make and it would change everything, what would I wish. I thought about it and said I would wish that our livelihood did not depend upon me. And also that I could afford to hire someone to clean our apartment. Ha.

I Wish I Was A Kitten

Zoe not happy to be woken up
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

So the plan is in place. I am on a short term medical leave. I don't know how long it will be and I don't know how I will use this time off to get better. I guess I will just take it one day at a time. I have a lot of people praying for me and the support and love of a wonderful husband. Also, some amazing friends who have really rallied around me. It's somewhat awkward though because people ask how they can help and I don't know. I don't know how they can help other than to not treat me weird.

I see my counselor later today. We will try and come up with some kind of plan I suppose. I don't know if I can afford to see her more than three times a week to begin with but I know I can't afford not to. I am also going to look into some other options as well. There is a church in town that features Christian counseling with a theophostic emphasis. I don't know what it costs but it doesn't cost anything to ask questions. I've also been given a couple of other counseling options by friends, so it might pay to look into those as well. I wish there was a timeline as to how long it takes your heart and soul to heal.

For now I am going to keep going to school. I don't know how to let go of that right now so I am going to keep going.

I feel so guilty. I enjoy staying home but I feel like I should be doing stuff. I should be cleaning. I should be paying bills. I should be cooking. I should be tending to things. Yet I hardly have the energy or motivation to do any of those things. Well, I did pay bills because we use online bill pay and how hard is that? So I have accomplished something today.

I do feel better knowing that I have taken the steps that need to be taken to make sure I am on short term medical leave. With that out of the way, I can concentrate on doing what needs to be done to get better. If only I knew what I needed to do to get better. If only there was an antibiotic that could heal my soul.

A Tentative Plan

Chloe and Zoe on the bed
Originally uploaded by SunFlowery.

So we have a plan. Well, a tentative plan anyway. I am taking the rest of this week and all of next week off as a leave of absence from work. I am meeting with my counselor Friday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and then we will assess where I stand. I am not going to check into a hospital just yet. I may end up checking in there eventually though. I am scared to do that right now. Most in patient mental health programs are full and the ones that aren't are full of people worse off than I am. I don't know if I can handle what I'm going through AND a room with schizophrenia. Who knows. Now all I have to do is notify my boss and see what the verdict is at work. Last time I was hospitalized for depression I lost my job. Bob says not to worry about it. He says my health is more important than anything and even if I do lose my job, we will make it somehow. I want to believe him but I am scared to death. Yet, this is the plan that makes the most sense right now. I hope it helps.